When do you begin to think "Enough is enough!"?

[Shrinking Violet]

Hello again to anyone who remembers me!

 

I don't know how to word this, been planning it out in my head for days but, as always, when it comes to put fingers to keys, it doesn't always go as planned!

 

The last 3 months, since the last time I was here (4th March, according to the date in the bottom right corner of the screen) have been eventful to say the least and, as usual, I spent much of it on the streets in the North West and Yorkshire.

 

I won't bore you with the entire story, as it could go on for many, many, MANY pages (and I know this forum has a character limit on posts!) but after weeks in Liverpool, Manchester and Sheffield, I ended up in York. From there, I was sent by the Salvation Army to a women-only project in Bradford but I had been struggling to keep a lid on things as I'd had my iPods stolen when I was roughing it in York (and you can imagine what a big deal that was for me) and it culminated in me being picked up by the plod again for breach of the peace (a familiar story it me!) and I spent the night in the cells at Bradford nick,

 

The following morning, I was given a leaflet by the desk sergeant, and was told that I'd be taken to this place and the people there would be able to help me. However, it didn't transpire that way, as the copper driving didn't appear to know where he was going (and his mate didn't seem to have much of a clue, either) and they just dumped me in the general vicinity but, as luck would have it, I was found by 2 workers from another organisation (the name of which I forget now) who tried to assist me the best they could. They took me to the housing dept at BCC, who arranged for me to go into a B&B for the night, From there, they took me back to their offices, and called the Adult Services team at social services and arranged for me to be seen by a social worker specialising in adults with ASDs and AD(H)D. She was fantastic, and was the most helpful human being I've come across thus far in my long, long, LONG struggle to achieve some form of independence. She asked me for the name of my GP (which I couldn't remember, but I did manage to give her the practice details) and she said she'd call the surgery and try to arrange for me to be referred to a specialist unit in Sheffield and to see if SS down here could arrange to assist me with finding accommodation back up north.

 

So I toddled off to the B&B for the night, and caught the earliest train I could back down here (via the Apple Store in Brum, to purchase a new iPod (I how have a 64GB touch, bought not only for music, but because I thought there'd be apps that would assist in making my life a little easier...)). This is where everything started falling apart.

 

1) My GP is NOT able to refer out of county

2) Social services will NOT offer me any kind of help, support, and have told me that there is nowhere in the county I can obtain a diagnosis. If I was 7, no 37, and my mother had called SS requesting a SEN, then fine; if I was elderly and in need of home help, fine. If I was a (physically) disabled child/adult, fine but, of course, I'm not. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING by way of support for an adult approaching 40, with (suspected) AS!

 

This is, as you can well imagine, taking a very serious toll on me: - physically, mentally and financially. As I believe I may have mentioned here before, I have IBS, which has become SO acute and severe now, I'm beginning to wonder if it's not 'mutated' into something more serious. If I want to leave the house, I MUST take the following with me: -

 

1) A change of clothes, anything up to 3 sizes bigger than normal (when fully 'deflated' I'm a size 6 almost everywhere - even H&M, and their stuff comes up small). I got rid of all my bigger clothes (gave the size 10 Ts to my mum) - thank the gods for Primark! When I was in Manchester, I went to Debenhams to be measured for a new bra, as my current ones were becoming very loose. The woman measured me up as a 28B (well I did say I was tiny now! ) I returned to the same store a week later when I was EXTREMELY bloated and saw someone else. She couldn't understand why her colleague had measured me so small as, according to her tape measure, I needed a 36DD!! I had to explain to her that they were BOTH right (the 2nd occasion, I'd gone in wearing size 12). I have since given up wearing a bra at all (thankfully, my boobs are NOT a 36DD, but there is something which causes my chest to expand (one GP I saw at a walk-in centre at the MRI said it was gas) and it really is dramatic, hence the need to carry bigger clothes round with me (the problem is my waist doesn't change, so I have to carry a belt round with me). I went to Westfield in London the day after my birthday (I spent the actual day living in the bathroom in agony). I treated myself to GBK but, within minutes of finishing my meal, I was in agony, and had to rush off to their loo to change and, on the Tube back to Marylebone, I had someone offer me her seat because she thought I was pregnant!

 

It has got to the stage where, if I don't use Ex-Lax (or similar) on a regular basis, I just can't go at all and, when it comes to TOTM, I CANNOT leave the house AT ALL (which, because I also have PCOS, means I could be incarcerated for anywhere up to a fortnight). I can go for night after night after night without sleep because of the pain (in the winter, I can use hot water bottles and those heat pad things to ease it but, in the summer that's not an option when the nights are warm). I'm not too bad today (probably because I spent the last 3 days living in the bathroom with the runs) and I'm actually wearing my H&M XS tops (albeit sans bra) but I've had to resort to size 10 legs, because I can't not eat! I'm also suffering from stress-aggravated alopecia (I have several bald patches now, varying in size from 5p up to £2)

 

Because I just want to escape all the time, I'm spending money I don't really have (I'm now PERMANENTLY overdrawn!) on train tickets here, there and everywhere, because it's just 'something to do'. I'm also back on the sauce again after nearly a decade of being almost completely dry (back then it was spirits, now it's cider and perry). It doesn't help when Tesco has Magner's/Bulmer's on offer for just over £1 a bottle if you buy more than one case. I'm trying to be careful, though, as the very last place I want to end up (obviously) is back in the local psychiatric prison.

 

So, after all that (and I know I said I wasn't going to ramble again - I fail at that every time, don't I...? ) how the HELL do I escape back up north permanently? I know where I want to be (Sheffield) but without any kind of help and support, I just don't see how I'm going to be able to leave here. There's nothing in the way of advocacy, either (think I may have mentioned in the past that there's only one advocacy agency round here and they dumped me about 5 years ago; to quote their manager (and she's still the manager now, so I've not bothered reapproaching them) "We can no longer help you, Sarah, as you are wasting to much of our time which we could more usefully employ helping other people". Nice, huh..?

 

I honestly can't see a way out anymore (apart from in a wooden box). I'm too f**ked up to live, but too cowardly to finish it (and I'd have to make sure I did the job properly, or I'd be spending the rest of my life on a section 3 in Tindal!)

 

If anyone can offer me any advice (and I'll be VERY surprised if anyone can) then please yell! In case you've forgotten, I'm in South Bucks, I don't drive and I'm skint!

 

Thank you all very much,

 

<'>

 

Sarah xxx

[RainbowsButterflies]

Hi Sarah, sorry you've been having such a hard time.

 

I don't know if they can help or not, as you're the other end of the country, but ring the Adult Asperger Consultancy on 01282 844464 and hopefully Cornish or Julie(?) can help you find some local support. They are both adult Aspies who run an advocacy service and who are leading on our local autism strategy planning, and they are fab!

[DameBeverage]

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. You've had quite a three month journey. It is a concern you have started drinking again.

I'm going through my own nightmares, which involve authorities too and so I'm no help to anyone right now and can't come on here much as I am too exhausted.

I have the same feeling though, where everyone just leaves you with no information, so haven't a clue how to cope with it, or what is going on. But I just wanted to give you a response. It is not nice out there right now for some of us.

 

Wishing you well

DB x

Edited June 5, 2011 by DameBeverage

[bid]

My honest opinion, which will probably be unpopular, is that at nearly 40 you need to take responsibility for your actions.

 

You write as though all these things somehow just sort of happen 'to' you, but you are choosing to enact these behaviours...and as I guess you will already know with alcoholism, no-one can change things apart from yourself.

 

With regard to PCOS, of which I have 20 plus years of experience, there are many very effective treatments available now. Also, I honestly don't see how your bra measurement could increase from a 28 to a 36...cup size yes; but the number is the band measurement around your rib-cage, how can that have increased by 8 inches in a week??

 

I think you need to step back and really think about what you are doing...that I think is the first step to sorting things out. Stop trying to move anywhere, spending money you say you don't have, until you have started to take back control.

 

Very best.

 

Bid

Edited June 6, 2011 by bid

[Kathryn]

So I toddled off to the B&B for the night, and caught the earliest train I could back down here (via the Apple Store in Brum, to purchase a new iPod (I how have a 64GB touch, bought not only for music, but because I thought there'd be apps that would assist in making my life a little easier...)). This is where everything started falling apart.

 

Sorry Sarah, you say that you don't drive and you're skint - presumably to pre- empt any sensible suggestions others might offer, but I'm having trouble believing that when you can get your act together to catch a train, go off and buy an Ipod, (and top of the range one at that, which hardly suggests that it's an essential purchase), that you're quite as helpless or out of control as you'd like us all to believe. I agree with Bid I'm afraid, you're in many of these difficult situations because you've made choices to act in a certain way.

 

If you're finding every door is locked and bolted, as you say, maybe it's time to analyse what is it about your behaviour that's causing agencies to react this way to you? Then change it!

 

Until you stop behaving as though everyone else is being unreasonable, and start acknowledging that YOU need to change, you'll just continue in the same cycle, so I guess it boils down to how much you really want things to change, or whether you're just content getting some kind of perverse satisfaction from feeling misunderstood.

 

Sorry, - maybe not the touchy feely kind of post you were expecting, but I don't know what else to say really, because in your previous posts on the forum you've tended to knock back any obvious suggestions offered.

 

K x

[bid]

And further...why should the police have to waste their precious time and resources dealing with you 'breaching the peace'? In an earlier post I believe you also said that you have caused trouble at a GP's surgery through being verbally aggressive? Why should anyone have to put up with this behaviour from a grown woman?

 

Kathryn is absolutely right.

 

Bid

[RainbowsButterflies]

I agree with what both Bid and Kathryn have said...

[DameBeverage]

I hope you are ok Sarah. Please stop drinking, which is what I would advise firstly, because it sounds you were doing so well. You are sounding to me that your actions are because you don't think very highly of yourself. It does sound that you are self harming. I am really concerned that you are sounding so low. I haven't been able to read all detail of your post because I am dyslexic, but if you are suicidal go for help.

I too have mental health and pain issues, so can relate a bit. I have fear of authority, so avoid them, which is what gets me in trouble.

The thing you need to start to do is think better about yourself. Any tiny thing is a start. This is really hard to do. But do things that are positively challenging rather than negatively destroying.

You could start by looking at your post and trying to look at some that you are seeing as negative and twist it around to view it as positive. For example, being able to travel is positive, especially if this is very hard for you to do. It is an achievement.

 

I hope this helps.

There are other sites that might be better than this one that could support your emotional needs. Saneline is a good site that might give you better emotional support.

 

Best wishes and look after yourself

DB x