What happens now?

[soraya]

Well, Nick has done it again, he has kicked off really badly and threatened me, thrown things around the house, and had a complete meltdown, just because I told him that instead of lying around the house all day, he needs to go job hunting!! I called the police this time and he has been arrested. I am going to stand firm and not allow him back in to the house, my question is do SS have to step in and give him assisted living as he is 17?

[Mandapanda]

Hi soraya

 

Poor you <'>

 

When we had our niece living with us and she went off the rails, the best SS offered her was the YMCA. Not ideal if they are vulnerable. It should be as there are staff there. But she knew people who hung around there and there were fairly undesirable (which is why she knew them!). They never offered her any other option. Later we found that a couple near us were like foster parents to teenagers too old to be fostered - they were supported housing in a normal home. We were never told about this or offered it - it would have been more what she needed. That couple got lots of training, help and support, that we as family were not 'entitled' to . We declined the YMCA and put up with her for a bit longer, which sadly was a mistake for us and our own children.

 

Try and explore the local options on the internet, ask people you know, etc. It won't be easy whatever happens and I really feel for you.

[chris54]

I am assuming he is in police custody.

If so you need to stand firm and not accept him back into your custody, the police will probably try to tell you this is the only option. If you don't accept him back as he is under 18 it down to SS. What happens once they have accepted custody of him is another matter. They will do everything they can to get you to take him back. If you don't then they have to find something for him. They will keep telling you that you have to take him back but you don't.

Don't expect SS to keep him secure, he will probably turn up on your door step.

 

I don't know any background and there may be other factors in play but basically once he is 18 he is on his own.

Edited June 14, 2011 by chris54

[Enid]

Hi,

there are many supported living hostels around, stand firm, They will not turn him out on the streets, You can go the local housing and declare him homeless and they WILL find a hostel place for him. really feel for you. Perhaps its time for him to live apart from you now and they you can rebuild your relationship. sending loads of support your way.

 

take care.

[soraya]

Well, he was meant to be staying at his uncles house last night but he turned up at 4.30 crying on the doorstep. We let him in and called SS when they were open to say we could not have him living with us, and they said they could not put him in supported housing as he has aspergers and needs to be assesed. We have an appointment for some medeation tommorow arranged by SS so we will see what happens. He has been told this is his final chance by us and the police. He seems to be sorry for what happened, and is at last willing to talk.

[Sally44]

I'm not saying that his behaviour was at all acceptable, because it wasn't. But how capable is he of "going job hunting". Does he have the social skills, the organisational skills, qualifications. Could he walk into the job centre and approach a member of staff and seek information/advice. Does he have anxiety? He seems to have emotional issues demonstrated through unacceptable behaviour, which would suggest he has never had any emotional programme during his educational life in school? He maybe ill equipped and unable to even begin or know where to start with such a task and may need alot of support to achieve this. Hence the response. If he does not have these skills he is not going to learn them by being in supported living? That is just removing him and his problems out of your house - which maybe something you need, but he isn't going to learn those skills anymore than an ASD child is going to learn social skills by being turned out into the playground every day. He may well have been failed throughout his educational years and now finds himself an "adult" in an adult world without the skills to do the things he needs to be able to do to survive and be independent.

[soraya]

Hi Sally and thanks for your reply, at last someone who sees a different side to the story. Education failed Nick, he was moved from school to school, and therefore has no social skills training at all. He is very confident, perhaps too much, and can talk for England!! Although his behaviour was totaly unacceptable, I feel he is a very lonely and angry young man. So many people have said " dont put up with his behaviour, next time call the police" that I felt i needed to do it as a wake up call for him. Well much to our horror he was charged and is out on police bail, the officer who can round said that he would just recieve a warning, but instead was locked up for 6 hours and was charged. This is why l was reluctant to call the police in the first place. We have had a long chat with Nick, and it turns out that the reason he is always on the internet is that it is the only form of social life he has, we have tried to explain that this is not real life, but it is all he has. All he wants is a mate who will go to the cinema with him, or come round and just chill out but he has no one

[JsMum]

What about local Mental health services such as Mind, they offer social groups and activtities, there is also projects in our area where there is Youth offending teams that offer social activities to reduce offending behaviour.

 

 

What is also clear he needs some form of Anger Management course and councilling, relate offer councilling, even if he is locked up, there is nothing stopping him reacting in a similair way, he needs stratagies to help him deal with his emtions and feelings, agree with all youve said Sally, Nick seem ill equipt to deal and cope with the real outside world and needs help in all areas of his life, social, mental, emotional, behavioural.

 

The assessment hopefully will provide your nick a suitable provision that meets his needs.

 

JsMumx

 

Best wishes.xxx

[Sally44]

I am not denying there is a problem. And i'm not trying to make you feel more guilty than you probably already feel. My own son is not an adult so I don't have the experience to say "try this" or "seek help from x, y or z". But what my experience so far is that my own son (who was passive and non-agressive), is slowly becoming more uncooperative and angry and is not even in school at the moment because he was not coping in school. He was telling me that he was not coping and I was telling the professionals what he was telling me, and still nothing happened. If I don't put my foot down and get something sorted I can easily see that further down the line, if he is not in the right place (educationally), and is not supported, and does not get the professional input and therapies he needs, he will not have the skills to cope. There is every chance he could become more aggressive, and could start on that downward spiral that seems to be where your child/adult now is.

 

I would advice you to get advice from places like the National Autistic Society. Also places like The Centre for Independent Living. Your son has a diagnosis, he is vulnerable, he has a lifelong disorder that is not going to go away and he needs a support network around him. Whatever is available and whatever is out there you will need to fight for for your son. No one is going to tell you what is available and no-one is going to ensure he gets what he needs or is entitled to.

 

It maybe that you need Social Services to assess him (and the family as carers) and for him to get Direct Payments. If he gets that he could pay an organisation for an adult support worker to go out with him to the cinema, or to a suitable club etc. Okay it is 'buying' a social network - but it is a start and it can lead to other things. I'm trying to get this for my own son and am going through the process of getting a SS assessment of my son and myself.

 

I'm sure there are many parents on this forum who identify with their child spending alot of time on the computer either playing games or on social networks or chatrooms etc. It is easier for them this way because they communicate through the computer rather than face to face (which is much harder to do). And I don't think any of us (by that I mean NT) would actively seek to go out and do stuff we were not good at, which made us feel awkward about ourselves or made us feel anxious, which is how everyday life and situations are for them. That is basically what we are asking them to do. To put themselves repeatedly and daily into situations they struggle with. I'm not saying totally avoid these things because you can't. He is becoming an adult and he has to be able to function in the real world. But just recognise the difficulty for how severe it is for him.

 

Does your son have any ideas of what might help him, or what he might like to do? Are there any adult AS or ASD support groups in your area? He needs to try something and succeed at it. Success breeds success and breeds confidence. You say he sounds very confident - even arrogant. That maybe just him having very rigid/literal thought processes and having a lack of imagination and poor theory of mind. That could make him sound superior and condescending and irritable and self centred and egotistical.

 

What you don't want is for him to be repeatedly charged by the police. That isn't solving anything. That isn't moving forward either for you and the family or for him. How old is he now? Did he leave school with any qualifications? Did he have a Statement? Could he attend mainstream or special college? A Statement would support a child up to age 19.

[Sally44]

If there is absolutely nothing socially available within your area, what about starting something up?

Find a way to advertise something like a monthly meeting place for adults your son's age, which would take place at a suitable venue. That might involve a monthly film screening (there are venues and local NAS groups that organise these things). Your local NAS group maybe willing to put a notice in any newsletter they produce asking for anyone interested to contact you, or let them know etc. Even if one other family gets in touch that is a start. Whether your son and any other adult would have the social skills to hold a two way conversation, or enjoy eachother's company is another matter. But it is worth trying. Even if it is just going to eachothers house and playing computer games, and maybe going to the cinema once a month - that maybe enough.

Just because there is nothing currently out there, does not mean you can't start something. If your son wants to meet others with a similar interest, you can bet a million dollars there are others out there thinking the same thing.

Does he get Disability Living Allowance? Could you use that to pay for some private social/emotional therapy?

 

If he does not get DLA, then consider applying for it. There are other benefits that become available if you are on DLA, and I have found that often the criteria for accessing services or supports is based on the level of DLA you receive.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Sally44

[soraya]

We do get DLA and i am going to use it to pay for some counselling for Nick. He is very worried as to the outcome of his offence, so we have said if he shows remorse and is willing to talk to someone it will be in his favour and he should just get a final warning. JSmum, we had so many fights with the LEA over funding for residential schools and we were not successful, so I know for a fact SS would not fund any specialist supported housing, its bad enough trying to get direct payments!!! Things are calm at the moment and Nicks brothers are down at the weekend to talk to him so watch this space!! Thanks for all your replys