Hello

[Beth59]

Hi my name is Beth, I am a 51 year old who has been in a very turbulent relationship with someone who has undiagnosed asperger's for 12 years. I am seeking help as once again I find myself at that well used fork in the road - can I leave him and if I do can I manage without him?

I love him with all my heart but the 'loneliness' that engulfs me at times becomes hard to cope with. Currently I am taking refuge at my elderly mother's home. I have been my mum's carer for 1.5 years since my dad died. For the past 6 months I have been living back in my partners (and ex husbands) home and travelling to my mums nearly every day. 5 days ago I partially tore my Achilles tendon and ended up on crutches at my partners home. It has been a scary and upsetting eye opener about how unable he is to cope with any 'illness' of mine like this. His seeming lack of concern once I was home has been awful. He started to just leave me alone saying he didn't want to be 'encarcerated' in the lounge with me all day (normally he and I will sit and watch tv together or just sit and chat over a drink) he hasn't wanted to talk to me and acts like I have some horrible disease. He laughed at me crawling around on all fours, when my arms hurt from the crutches. He went back to going to bed at night with no words to me and slept like he does when he is cross at me, mostly with his back to me or hiding behind his arm or using the duvet to cover his face. He denies that he is behaving differently and says I am imagining it all...he won't sit next to me when he is like this and even stops in his tracks if he is coming into a room and sees I'm already in there. He has done the least possible to help me and at night has gone up to bed, leaving me to struggle up stairs on my knees bringing my crutches up. Even after all these years his behaviour this time has rattled me to the core, because I do not understand him, it's as though he is angry at me for being disabled, I would dearly love to talk to other partners for support and advice. I told him I would be at my mum's for a few days, and I doubt I will hear from him, with him it is out of sight out of mind. Unless he wants me! :-(

[Pancakemaker]

Hi my name is Beth, I am a 51 year old who has been in a very turbulent relationship with someone who has undiagnosed asperger's for 12 years. I am seeking help as once again I find myself at that well used fork in the road - can I leave him and if I do can I manage without him?

I love him with all my heart but the 'loneliness' that engulfs me at times becomes hard to cope with. Currently I am taking refuge at my elderly mother's home. I have been my mum's carer for 1.5 years since my dad died. For the past 6 months I have been living back in my partners (and ex husbands) home and travelling to my mums nearly every day. 5 days ago I partially tore my Achilles tendon and ended up on crutches at my partners home. It has been a scary and upsetting eye opener about how unable he is to cope with any 'illness' of mine like this. His seeming lack of concern once I was home has been awful. He started to just leave me alone saying he didn't want to be 'encarcerated' in the lounge with me all day (normally he and I will sit and watch tv together or just sit and chat over a drink) he hasn't wanted to talk to me and acts like I have some horrible disease. He laughed at me crawling around on all fours, when my arms hurt from the crutches. He went back to going to bed at night with no words to me and slept like he does when he is cross at me, mostly with his back to me or hiding behind his arm or using the duvet to cover his face. He denies that he is behaving differently and says I am imagining it all...he won't sit next to me when he is like this and even stops in his tracks if he is coming into a room and sees I'm already in there. He has done the least possible to help me and at night has gone up to bed, leaving me to struggle up stairs on my knees bringing my crutches up. Even after all these years his behaviour this time has rattled me to the core, because I do not understand him, it's as though he is angry at me for being disabled, I would dearly love to talk to other partners for support and advice. I told him I would be at my mum's for a few days, and I doubt I will hear from him, with him it is out of sight out of mind. Unless he wants me! :-(

[Pancakemaker]

Hello Beth,I'm Emma,I HAD to reply when I read your post,asd or not this man is inconsiderate and completely selfish and uncaring.I struggle completely to understand what your waiting for?do your think he'll change?!please please cut your losses what kind of person laughs at someone crawling because their tired of their crutches?you can only love someone who loves you,you can do a trillion times better.I've been in abusive relationships,and it's not always physical,this mans left you with no self esteem or ego come on honey you can so do better.xxxxxxx xxxxxx lease feel free to personal message me ok?x

[philipo]

Agree with Pancakemaker,EXCEPT,if he's been living/coping with undiagnosed asd then he needs training.Dont wait for any majick cure from the doc.Check his physical symptoms and cognitive stuff and get him to talk about feelings.Its obviously hard to say but asd or not his behaviour is a little calous.Is he saying he's aspy/asd just to exuces his behaviour?

Years ago (I'm 48 now and recent dx) I lived with a woman for three years,I eventually left her because she kept being really jealous with twenty questions etc.It got worse and worse and stressed me even further.After chewing on my late dx I realised very quickly that because I kept staring at the wall alot and into space this woman thought I had a big secret and interpreted my behaviour as suspicous.

Your bloke may appear quiet detached and aloof but if he's asd job then you should expect some tenderness and feelings.their s a myth that aspy/asd jobs are not very good at feelings or empathy with others,I think thats quite mistaken ,along with many other traditional myths.

If he wont work on it and do some self help 'cognitive stuff ' then like any reltionship ,dump him.

asd 's or not its all about self realisation and working together,if he is stuck in his ways then get a dog or have a happier time dating the elephant man,your personal happiness comes first ,dont be a rescuer.

philipo x

[Beth59]

Hi Guys, thank you for your replies, I am feeling very low at the moment, due to total frustration at being incapacitated and upset at the way he is treating me. Firstly, Emma I don't know how to email you privately, could you help me out please? Secondly, my partner has not been diagnosed. He is adamant that he has not got Asperger's (by the way sorry for being stupid, what is DX?)

 

About 3 years ago I went to see a relate councillor for help, it was he who suggested that my partner sounded as though he had Asperger's, after that I read loads of stuff, on the net and in books and all of his behaviour - which at times is totally wierd, fell into place. I wrote out several A4 sheets of paper - a long list of traits that I had read and fit him to a T. Then I plucked up the courage and gave it to him to read, I asked him who it was about, he was mad as hell at me but did look at it briefly, his response was: 'well me of course, so what?' I told him it was not about him but just general traits of how someone with A can act. We had a row with him storming outside to finish a job off he was doing, I expected him to leave (he was at my house) but he didn't, eventually he asked me: 'if I have this thing, is there a cure?' I said no, but there was help out there that could make a difference, at that he just got madder and told me to shut up as I was just being stupid. the think is I suspect very strongly that his daughter, who is 13, (by a previous 4 year relationship) also has it as she behaves very like her father. Strangely he gets annoyed at her traits, and I gently tell him that she is just like him, he says: well I should understand her then shouldn't I?

 

We did get married, I have always kept my own home, and spent times living with him with my two youngest kids, our relationship was like a yo-yo, moving in, moving out. When I was out, he would woo me back with unbelievably loving behaviour, attentive, light hearted, etc, when I moved back within a few days he was cold, uncommunicative, and what felt like hostile, he would pace around and stare out of windows for long periods of time or take off to his garage, when he did come back in he would often be fairly hostile and not want to talk, this drove me crazy and I couldn't understand what was going on. So I'd leave again. (my poor kids) eventually he told me he would get married, he knew I wanted a commitment from him. I spent ages trying to explain that I didn't want just marriage I wanted his love and his kindness...etc...

 

We got married in a registry office with my two eldest boys ( I have 4 kids) as witnesses, no one else. The night before our marriage he was almost ill with stress, I told him not to go ahead as it was obvious too much for him, but he wanted to go ahead. After the marriage we had lunch with my boys then went back to my house alone, I was excited and wanted to move straight back to his house, and he told me not to be too hasty as I would lose my tax credit if I did!!! (I was speechless) Eventually he let us move back with suitcases and not much else. Within a week of our marriage he told me he was in a 'black mood' because of what he had done. I was gutted and felt responsible for his upset. Eventually after two years I divorced him, something he has never forgiven me for!!! (go figure)

 

We can have lovely times together, when out walking on the fells, having picnics, cooking together. he has funny little ways that I almost ignore now, he pulls a silly face at me, baring his teeth and wrinkling his nose at me, he laughs usually but sometimes does it when we are out, he seems almost unconscious that he is doing it. He gets obsessive about certain things, a song, a book, a film etc. He has a few films on video he watches again and again over the years, it took a while before I realised that he borrows phrases and behaviour patterns from the heroes in the films, and when he was wooing me in the past he was acting out what he had seen and admired, - it was effective, it hooked lots of women, he was obsessed with sex, and over the years has broken a lot of hearts in his quest for yet another relationship.

 

If we are watching a programme and he hears something that gets him riled up, he will talk over the rest of the news etc in a loud voice, totally oblivious of the fact that I am trying to hear the TV. He is fairly obsessive about maps, OS maps, he has loads and sometimes just spends ages looking at a map, it seems to calm him. He also hates shutting drawers, all over the house drawers are left open, as are his wardrobe doors, he also likes to have window sills covered in bits and pieces, screws, bits of wire etc, if I tidy up it gets him agitated so now I leave things as they are! He cannot keep eye contact and doesn't like it when he is looked at by people. He doesn't like it when anyone comes to the house (even my kids) and tends to just get up and go out after a while and not come back, early on I just thought he was rude. The night before my lovely dad's funeral I phoned him for some support, I was with my mum - he suddenly said, 'by now they will have filled the body with excellerant so it 'goes up' more quickly' my dad was being cremated. I was beside myself with hurt that he could have said such a thing!

 

I was thinking last night that he has the argumentative skills of a 6 year old, the tantrums and sulks of a grumpy teenager, the diy skills of professional - there is nothing he can't mend or do, and the emotional skills of a robot!!!

 

He told me once that getting or giving a hug left him cold, he gets nothing from a hug, if I am upset or in tears he never ever comes to hug me. He dislikes kissing or hand holding and if I try to take hold of his arm or hand to snuggle on the sofa he whines at me in a child like voice 'don't Im comfy' meaning - don't touch me!

 

Apart from sex, when he wants it, he doesn't like to cuddle in bed, his idea of contact will be fingers touching or a leg thrown over me, but mostly bed is a very lonely place.

 

He hates texts and rarely replies to anyone - he says 'you don't send a text to get a text' - and on the phone he is a nightmare, long silences when you are not sure if he has gone or not!

 

He is such hard work at times, and yet I do love him, he is such a larger than life character that without him I feel empty and lost. Yes, he does wear me out and the isolation he can make me feel is awful. He never ever compliments me, if I ask he says, is your self esteem so low that you need me to say something about how you look? I recently went out for a girlie night out with ex work colleagues, I got ready putting on make up and a dress and when I came down he just kept saying: you look like you're going on a date. he was clearly uncomfortable with that idea!

 

I don't know how to let him go. To be honest over the years we have had some horrendous rows, and splits, but he always lets me back into his life, he says he feels comfortable with me, (high praise in his book I think) and he says he thinks we will end up together.

 

I know I sound pathetic, my family are sick of me - they want me out of his life, my daughter understands and kind of knows like me there is something wrong, but still thinks I should move on.

 

:-( (sorry for the long rambling post)

Edited August 19, 2011 by Beth59

[Pancakemaker]

Hi Beth to personal message me you go on my profile and look at the bottom and it says email me just click on that ok Hun?speak soon.x

[Beth59]

Hi Emma, tried that but it says Access is denied! Not sure why or what I can do now...x

[Kathryn]

Hi Beth,

 

It's not an email you want to send but a personal message.

 

Just click on Pancakemaker's name in her post above. This will come up with her profile information. Under her personal info look for "user controls". Click on "send me a message". Type your message in the box that comes up, just as you would do with an ordinary post.

 

Hope that helps

 

K x

Edited August 19, 2011 by Kathryn

[Beth59]

Thank you Kathryn. Success!

[Tally]

Hi Beth and welcome to the forum.

 

I have Asperger's. Whilst your partner may well have Asperger's, it sounds like he is also a complete pig.

 

People with Asperger's often have difficulty telling what another person might want. I think I would be able to work out that you are on crutches = you need some help. But Asperger's might make a person fail to offer help in this situation if they couldn't make that connection. But it doesn't sound like he simply can't tell what you need. It sounds like he's being deliberately nasty. You need some awareness of other people's feelings in order to be deliberately nasty.

[Beth59]

Thank you Tally, So do you think he has Asperger's from what I have explained. But what you seem to be saying is, he may have it, but he has a brain in his head and eyes and if he cares about me on any level he must see I need help! So cruelty is not really the Asperger's but because he is just being horrible to me?! God, I sound flaming stupid don't I?

 

I think I am learning fast though.

[Aeolienne]

(by the way sorry for being stupid, what is DX?)

Diagnosis

[robert7111a]

Hi Beth

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Sounds like he's a complete bigot. Are you scared to let go? Fortunately not all of us men are pigs, many of us do have feelings - this guy clearly does not. Get rid and make a new life for yourself.

[trekster]

Since he wont accept help offer him an ultimatum he either ties to get a diagnosis and some help or you are leaving for good this time.

My mum got taken in by an autistic malice and i nearly did as well. He's a bully and not worth wasting your brainpower on.

Hope you recover soon from the crutches.