chatting and small talk

[brummiegal]

hi there, Im new, I have 2 autistic sons and an autistic brother, I am also autistic though I dont know to what extent!

 

anyway, I was wondering if anyone else on the spectrum has this problem with chatting and small talk, I have become good at thinking of topics or commenting on things to people but I cannot make myself seem relaxed and casual, when i chat I always seem to come across as quite serious and a bit intense

 

recently I went to a theme park and my comments on rides were all along the lines of how the ride worked or estimating how long our turn would be based on the queue and the amount of seats used, lol that sounds so boring! I did complain about the wasps before talking about the wasps life cycle

 

I hate myself for getting too indepth with boring trivia or facts

[acid74]

Small talk, and conversations in general with normal people, are always difficult. I have to think about everything I say to make sure it's relevant, not rude or not boring - quite labour intensive on the brain. If allowed to speak what I want to speak I'd end up boring the person with my areas of interest or something trivial (there is a lot to be said about different types of water and its taste!) or offend them by saying something offensive by stating a fact that albeit true, is not "pc" or something. I'm not trying to be offensive or boring, I'm just saying facts and truths that are relevant to the situation (although not completely necessary). If I have something to offer to the conversation that could influence people's opinions or explain something then I'll say it. It just so happens that most people are rhetorical or simple-minded and don't really care for an accurate explanation....

 

See, I'm rambling, I'm ###### at smalltalk even on a forum.

 

I've found that I'm most comfortable to present myself in a manic fashion as my actual weirdness comes across as being humourous, people find it funny and makes you surprisingly popular - everyone likes someone who can make them laugh. Just don't go overboard and appear annoying or completely insane.

 

If instead people don't like it, I don't associate with them, simple as that. I'm not going to waste time trying to befriend people who won't accept someone because they don't do smalltalk about sport or something inane, these people are shallow and often quite stupid.

 

 

A great quote:

 

Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.

Edited August 19, 2011 by acid74

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome

 

Oh yes, definitely! This is very common. I've kind of gone the other way and become very introverted, but when I do say something, it seems to come out very serious and have something to do with tigers.

 

I don't think you should hate yourself for being too in-depth. You're not trying to be boring, it's just what comes out.

 

It's actually a good thing you recognise that it's not always what people want to hear though. Because if you hadn't worked it out, you couldn't begin to do anything about it! Maybe you could find ways to limit yourself. Or you could ask other people questions instead, so you get a bit of a conversation going.

[brummiegal]

Ah like you acid74 I have always used a zany weirdness as well, however as an adult I have noticed people looking bored or uncomfortable when im talking to them , this is probably why I keep people at arms length because whatever I do I come across as boring and nerdy, I could never gel with other girls when I was younger, I was not very feminine and I used to find what they talked about didn't interest me in the slightest, I know autistic people are quite self focused, I am trying to remember to ask people about themselves and comment on the replies. Its surprisingly difficult!

 

I like your idea about getting a conversation started tally, my problem is that I run out of things that are non serious to talk about, if I talk about the weather I am very literal and will give them an accurate weather report rather than chat

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in this!

[acid74]

Yes, I know exactly what you're on about there, talking to females is difficult - I want to discuss science and silly stuff [that men like to discuss], women prefer to talk about fashion and gossip which is a complete mystery to me. I have no idea what to say to them, whenever I try and talk to them like I normally would (like talking to another man) they very quickly think I'm weird and disappear. Like you say, I'm not feminine at all. I function entirely using logic yet they seem to be driven by emotions, it's incompatible!

 

Sorry if that's offensive to females, I'm generalizing, I know that not all of you are like this, just most of the ones I encounter are!

 

 

The reality is I don't care what normal people have to say because normal people are completely boring! It's always the same generic stuff; sports, getting drunk, socializing and women they're "dating". I don't care about any of this, I don't even drink. People don't have any interesting hobbies, again, it's always the same generic stuff - films, music* (see below), games... I find any kind of discussion completely uninteresting.

 

*music: I'm a classically trained musician, a warehouse dj, and connoisseur of numerous styles - when I say I listen to music I mean I REALLY listen to music, like for 9 hours a day I'm playing music and my music collection is huge (and I actually listen to it all, I don't just collect it and never play it). When someone plays the same couple of albums every few days and say they're into music, I find it annoying, in fact I find it insulting. They don't know anything about music or music appreciation.

 

Music appreciation (or rather, lack thereof) is a personal peeve of mine.

 

 

I digress. See? I just go off on a tangent about my areas of interest.

 

 

I don't have any questions to ask of a normal person, after they present that they are completely uninteresting I'm incapable of forcing a conversation.

My best suggestion is to befriend interesting people, ideally people who aren't "normal", because normal people are boring and shallow. Why try and change yourself to be accepted by them? Anyone who requires you to change who you are to conform to their style of friend isn't worth knowing. Just find people who accept you the way you are.

 

 

But that's not what you want to hear is it

 

 

From experience, my top tips:

 

- Talk about sports and other current events. Boring people like this kind of discussion.

- Be vague and don't be argumentative. People don't like opinionated people.

- Ration what you say, but don't say too little. Keep what you say to short sentences.

- Let the other person say whatever it is they want to say (even if you don't care).

- Look out for clues as to their area of interest, usually it's what they talk about a lot. Pretend to care about it so they like you more. This also gives you permission to go on about your personal interests without feeling like you're being boring - you're mutually boring!

- Your knowledge of trivia can come in handy, but just keep it brief, one sentence is ample. A short nugget of trivia goes down well with people, lectures do not.

Edited August 19, 2011 by acid74

[trekster]

I attend a few social groups designed to help those on the spectrum interact but they don't help.

I volunteer at a variety of autism social groups but I feel really lonely and pushed out by the

membership. I'm not a member of these groups and I fear their future. Also the previous problem

of public humiliation (from someone who I thought would know better) has arisen again so I'm fearing

this from happening every time I attend the group.

 

I organise the events for the social groups including bowling, day trips (the last was really

successful) and the Xmas meal. I only attend so I can do these activities because I know I can do

them well. All I ask from the membership is that they thank me and for some reason that isn't something

they are currently doing. I dont get paid for what I'm doing.

 

The only place I can really manage effective small talk is Autscape but that's annually.

I can manage small talk to share interests up to a point but at the adult social groups beyond

'hello, how are you? Done anything interesting this month' I'm stuck.

[trekster]

Ah like you acid74 I have always used a zany weirdness as well, however as an adult I have noticed people looking bored or uncomfortable when im talking to them , this is probably why I keep people at arms length because whatever I do I come across as boring and nerdy, I could never gel with other girls when I was younger, I was not very feminine and I used to find what they talked about didn't interest me in the slightest, I know autistic people are quite self focused, I am trying to remember to ask people about themselves and comment on the replies. Its surprisingly difficult!

 

I like your idea about getting a conversation started tally, my problem is that I run out of things that are non serious to talk about, if I talk about the weather I am very literal and will give them an accurate weather report rather than chat

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in this!

 

I did manage the other day to ask a member what they were doing with themselves. The told me they had

enjoyed some volunteer work. I told the member what I was planning on doing that year. But the conversation

then dried up.

[darkshine]

I can make small talk to a degree but its taken years to get here and even then I can't do it all the time - more like occasionally - sometimes I just shut down and then there's nothing I can do...

 

What I did is I learned "scripts" - there's short ones for when you meet someone say in a shop

 

Greet them, ask how they are, they usually repeat this back, you say you are fine even when you clearly may not be, if they start edging away you say bye or see you later or whatever - if they don't you fall back on weather, news, the cost of things, something that's happened that you both are aware of and keep it very short.

 

I must have spent hours practising every way of saying "hi how are you" using different words and tones to make it sound cheery and more normal than my dead-pan style whatever attitude :rollleyes: it really is so tedious especially when you know that neither of you gives a damn so what's the point in a false chat!?!?!

 

Anyway.... longer conversations are more tricky - haven't perfected them yet they all die out at every turn because I have nothing to say about the things I am asking. Say I ask how their job is going - they give a blow-by-blow account of whatever and I'm like - now what? and think - well that was a waste of time!! It makes it all very stilted.

 

I also hate that I go on and on to people I am more comfortable with - this week my respite guy asks why I'm quiet - I then proceeded to describe everything about the hassle of the course I'm doing and an equal length rant about one of my housemates - totalling 2 hours - I bet he regretted saying anything but I didn't realise I'd done it til I got home and it suddenly struck me - I would say "I wish I knew at the time" but even when I do know at the time I can't stop myself, I just do it more cuz I get stuck on a subject and panic and talk more about it

 

The more successful conversations for me have been with someone I'm at least 90% comfortable with (not many fit that criteria) and it goes well when they ask loads of questions cuz some of them I can just ask back - but this doesn't happen very often.

 

I talk most to my dad - he's a wind him up and watch him go kinda guy - you ask something and he'll go on and on and on about it FOREVER - makes things a lot easier

[littleplum]

There is another dimension to this topic which I have noticed and I wonder if anyone else has come across it.

 

Some talkative people I know seem to speak without actually intending to convey meaning. They are either trying desperately to ensure there is no silence in the conversation, or their mouths are on auto-pilot while their brains are switched off.

 

I have trained myself to listen carefully to what people say to me so I always assume that the other person is interested in a fairly sensible exchange of information or opinions. However, whenever I am with the type of person I have described, I find myself trying to process what, to me, is an endless stream of incoherent babble. If I try to make sense of what I am hearing and respond with some kind of logical comment or question, the other person seems baffled or embarrassed. It's as if they regard conversation, not as a means of communication, but as a kind of comforting noise. Such people are not listening to the other person when they are speaking. I am not even sure they are listening to themselves. As a result, it is virtually impossible to interrupt them in order to comment on or question what they have said.

 

Does anyone have any idea what is going on in such people's minds?

[darkshine]

Does anyone have any idea what is going on in such people's minds?

ooh ooh me - I do

 

Assuming they don't have any anxiety issues it's usually blah blah blah yada yada bs bs bs - its usually better to just smile and nod at points where it seems appropriate

[littleplum]

Apparently, the late Keith Joseph used to tip his barber in advance of the haircut to ensure that he did not engage in small talk throughout the process.

[darkshine]

Apparently, the late Keith Joseph used to tip his barber in advance of the haircut to ensure that he did not engage in small talk throughout the process.

Skill

[indiscreet]

I can usually cope with one-to-one conversations with strangers by getting them to talk about themselves and then all I need to do is smile and nod and occasionally put in a comment. I hate, though, to be in a group - especially a group sitting around in a kind of circle (or round a table) where if you speak all eyes turn on you. I either say the wrong thing, or talk too much or go back to a topic which the rest have abandoned. I feel that I'm somehow out of sync but I don't know how or why.

[darkshine]

I can usually cope with one-to-one conversations with strangers by getting them to talk about themselves and then all I need to do is smile and nod and occasionally put in a comment. I hate, though, to be in a group - especially a group sitting around in a kind of circle (or round a table) where if you speak all eyes turn on you. I either say the wrong thing, or talk too much or go back to a topic which the rest have abandoned. I feel that I'm somehow out of sync but I don't know how or why.

groups definitely are harder in my experience as well - I usually end up saying nothing because whenever I try people don't hear me talk - or worse - one person hears me talk and asks me to repeat it with the focus of everyone on me which means I forget what I was going to say and sound like a moron...

[Linnet]

I can usually cope with one-to-one conversations with strangers by getting them to talk about themselves and then all I need to do is smile and nod and occasionally put in a comment. I hate, though, to be in a group - especially a group sitting around in a kind of circle (or round a table) where if you speak all eyes turn on you. I either say the wrong thing, or talk too much or go back to a topic which the rest have abandoned. I feel that I'm somehow out of sync but I don't know how or why.

 

Oh, that is exactly what I do and feel. I've got the npdding and smiling down to a fine art! I hate speaking in a group - I have this idea that everyone should have a turn to speak if they wish but I never know when it is my turn so I just don't say anything at all. Alternatively, I think of something to say and by the time I get chance to say it the rest of the group are talking about something else. By this stage I have no idea what they are talking about as I was so busy concentrating on what I was going to say and waiting for a chance to say it.

[darkshine]

Oh, that is exactly what I do and feel. I've got the npdding and smiling down to a fine art! I hate speaking in a group - I have this idea that everyone should have a turn to speak if they wish but I never know when it is my turn so I just don't say anything at all. Alternatively, I think of something to say and by the time I get chance to say it the rest of the group are talking about something else. By this stage I have no idea what they are talking about as I was so busy concentrating on what I was going to say and waiting for a chance to say it.

I feel everyone should have a turn too - but in groups that doesn't always (or sometimes ever) happen - I also wait to say things and then lose my chance - it's very frustrating and I sometimes struggle to not take it personally

[lilnicki]

I feel everyone should have a turn too - but in groups that doesn't always (or sometimes ever) happen - I also wait to say things and then lose my chance - it's very frustrating and I sometimes struggle to not take it personally

[lilnicki]

For me i find one- on - one the hardest.....i just don't know what to say full stop. I can't start a conversation whatever. If they ask a question, i answer it, then that's usually end of the conversation. I always forget to ask something back. Group conversations i find easier because you can just sit back and listen, or jump in if something I can add to crops up..... I agree though that i can't always time my "piece" properly, and sometimes i talk over people by mistake.

[darkshine]

I suppose both one-on-one and groups have their up and down sides

 

I too like sitting as a more passive group member and just letting everyone get on with it...

 

And some one-on-one scenarios are absolute hell

 

I guess it all depends on a load of different factors.

[BaffledOwl1970]

People just don't seem to grasp the sheer effort required to make smalltalk. My partner has "trained" me to be better at it than I used to be, but sometimes it's just too much work and a pointless waste of energy.

[darkshine]

People just don't seem to grasp the sheer effort required to make smalltalk. My partner has "trained" me to be better at it than I used to be, but sometimes it's just too much work and a pointless waste of energy.

That's what's called hitting the nail on the head - you totally summed up my view on smalltalk, but I can do it when I have the energy and the inclination (I usually require at least one of these but ideally both) and even then I still don't particularly enjoy it, but people don't seem to wanna be deep, thoughtful, clever or indeed silent all of the time, so it seems that smalltalk is what fills in those gaps - go figure

[littleplum]

people don't seem to wanna be deep, thoughtful, clever or indeed silent all of the time, so it seems that smalltalk is what fills in those gaps

 

I suspect many people are afraid of silence, if they are with other people. It's as if they are afraid of what the other person might be thinking and, because they cannot read minds, the only way to find out is by getting the other person to talk. I think this is why small talk is so pervasive in our society. It's impossible to encounter someone in, say, a gym changing room without feeling an obligation to break the silence.

 

I've always been attracted to those monasteries where there is a vow of silence. If only my wife would let me join one.

[darkshine]

I suspect many people are afraid of silence, if they are with other people. It's as if they are afraid of what the other person might be thinking and, because they cannot read minds, the only way to find out is by getting the other person to talk. I think this is why small talk is so pervasive in our society. It's impossible to encounter someone in, say, a gym changing room without feeling an obligation to break the silence.

 

I've always been attracted to those monasteries where there is a vow of silence. If only my wife would let me join one.

There was a brilliant program on earlier this year that got a few people to try out silent living in a monastery - it quite appealed - the people found it very very hard to not talk though - in fact, it drove them nuts at times!!!

 

I think people are afraid of silence too... Some of the people I've got on best with are the ones that I can sit in comfortable silence with and not feel that pressure to just say any old thing to make a noise (although I can go on and on myself at times when I actually get started with the right people/person - but that isn't small talk its more like verbal diarrhoea).