jollypig Report post Posted October 6, 2011 my asd teen is generally OK but recently is prone to outbursts of anger at the slightest thing and the things she says are really nasty. i always walk away from her when she starts so i don't make the situation worse but this isn't helping at the moment. she lost it last night because i asked her to put a light out she was passing ,this led to and outburst about how im lazy and are always getting her to do things ! she went to bed in a strop and usually she is calm enough to discuss the issues the next day but not in this case , she wont speak to me but has written a load of nasty stuff like she want to die because she is a slave and how she wants me to die and how if i die her life will be better cos i don't understand her ! im the only person who understands her and i bend over backwards to accommodate her needs but i don't know where to go from here, her dad stands on the sidelines as its easier for him but im feeling so low and isolated at the moment i don't know what to do ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted October 6, 2011 i used to 'blow' anger wise over 'nothing' with my parents .... i would say from personal experience it frustration of being in situation she has NO control over which is having ASD and feel misunderstood is common feeling within ASD i used to go to bed in a huff! the strong words she used is due to her feelings of anger frustration towards having ASD! i don't think it personal even though seems aimed at you! why don't you write her a letter explaining how you feel towards her ... this may help her understand in her own time process that you DO understand?! XKLX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jollypig Report post Posted October 6, 2011 thanks for the reply, it usually doesn't get to me but this time she seems to be carrying so much anger towards me at the moment that its hard to ignore at times. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dijac Report post Posted October 6, 2011 Hi Jollypig, I know exactly how you feel - my AS son (12) is exactly the same. I try to not react to things he says, so yesterday he called me an unfeeling witch, and why won't I cry - which to me confirms he is purposely trying to make me cry. Our main computer is broken, and I won't let him use my work one, so I have been called all the names under the sun this week, he's wished me, homself, and the whole world dead. He also hates school right now, so told me he was going to kill the history teacher. He can't wait to leave home so he'll never have to see me again. This is the same boy who will then sometimes call me in the night, because he can't find his teddy - and he is so glad I understand him!! So all I can say, is try not to take it personally. I am hoping that once adolescence is past, things will get better. Diane Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jollypig Report post Posted October 6, 2011 she is struggling with the lack of independence at the moment ,she also has uncontrolled epilepsy so that doesn't help much ! in the past week she has been great ,she has started to wash dishes ,taken over preparing her packed lunch ,cleans her room without being asked, gets her things ready for school the next day and the completely flips when i ask her to put out a light she is passing ??? i usually don't take it to heart but im off work sick myself at the moment and i guess just feeling a little sorry for myself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted October 6, 2011 Maybe it's a weird kind of compliment - I used to do this at my parents - and like what dijac has said - but maybe that's because she feels secure enough to be able to let her anger out at you... in a screwed up kinda way - it's what I did - I think part of it was testing - like do my parents really love me - how far can I push - will they still love me kind of thing... like pushing boundaries and making sense of the world as you grow up. I think explaining to her how much this upsets you is a good idea, telling her that you are trying your best to understand - and if she says you don't - well at least you are trying to - she has to help you understand as much as you have to try to understand. I don't always know how I come across to people either when I'm like that - I'm just so angry that I can't stop until I'm tired out - but people have told me its scary. I could have done with other outlets for my frustrations back then when I was a kid - my parents didn't really think that way though - but finding out what is bothering her in order to try to address it might help - she has to trust you that she can tell you things and you won't judge (which is hard to do - especially when your convinced someone will judge). It sounds like her helping behaviour now is her way of saying sorry. Teen years aint easy for some but the more you show her you are there but won't take that behaviour (you can't let yourself be bullied or scared) but you don't want to anger her further obviously - it's hard cuz people often aren't listening when they are that angry - I'm not sure how you find a balance between being there but not being treated badly - maybe telling her that you'll not talk until she calms down or something - it's hard cuz that would have angered me further back then cuz then I'd have tried harder to get a reaction - maybe the old "go to your room til you calm down" might work - and if anything gets broken she gets a sanction afterwards Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted October 6, 2011 PS - is there "controlled" ways that she could have independence - like having someone in the background but at enough of a distance to give her some freedom? I used to go out tons when I was a teen - never was in - if I'd have been forced in (which I was sometimes) I turned into a caged animal and got very resentful of being controlled and completely over-reacted about it by lashing out at those closest. If you could find a solution for giving her some independence (which is hard with epilepsy as a factor I know) but there could be ways that she can respect you for trying to help her out - even if it has to a be a reduced freedom to what she'd prefer - you know? small steps first - she gets out and mixes with people or uses some energy - but she knows someone is there in the shadows if she needs them - but with a strict "will not get involved unless asked by her or if the worst happens and she has a seizure". I'm not sure how viable this is but if possible it might be worth a try - and then build it up as much as possible - epilepsy does control people's lives but there are ways to try and give her as much freedom and opportunities as possible in a controlled way while ever the epilepsy is uncontrolled - and see if you can increase the distance so start with watching nearby, then later a little further, and then a few minutes away and making sure she is with someone who knows what to do if a seizure happens so they could call and you (or whoever) would only be at most a couple of minutes away (mobile phones can be a god send - you could even buy one specially for that purpose... It could also be a good trust exercise - you'd have to trust her to not go wandering off and she'd have to trust you (or whoever) to not get involved... Hope this helps Best Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jollypig Report post Posted October 6, 2011 i do try to stay in the background at times but her epilepsy isn't just big seizures she has multiple daily absence seizures ,she is awake but in an unconscious type state,she will keep on walking/eating etc but at a slower pace ,if she has an absence while crossing a road the risks are obvious. she has come in from school happy although she has tried to find a vein with a fork at lunch time !!! there's a small mark . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted October 6, 2011 I think most teenagers get angry with their parents at times and don't want to do anything their parents tell them. I don't really think it can be anything to do with ASD because non-ASD teenagers do it too. Wanting to die because you were asked to turn off the light switch is rather an over-reaction though. Does she really want to die, or is she just trying to manipulate you into never asking her to do anything? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted October 6, 2011 she ever tried to do anything like that before - hurting herself? did she explain why she tried to do this? hurt her arm with a fork? like others have said it hard turbelent rocky time to deal and manage for family and teen themselves so many physical/emotional changes hormones etc add that to ASD and is stressful anxious worrying time to try work through! anger can be physical barrier for depression have you looked into this?! i would personally but up to you!? has she talked about her wanting to die before too? XKLX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
amberzak Report post Posted October 6, 2011 Hi Jollypig. I do a lot of work with teenagers, and I also have aspergers myself so I hope I can be of some help. Scientifically, a teenagers brain works very differently from adults, and that's something I think people forget about a lot. Even a non aspergers teenager will behave in a way that is viewed as a very negative light by adults. I am sure you realise this, but it's still helpful to hear I think, that something we consider to be a small thing is actually something very big to a teenager, especially one with Aspergers. So it isn't your fault that she is reacting like this, and you are not doing anything wrong. It's a very hard place to be (I have been helping a family going through something very similar). On the one hand you need to give her her space as she develops into an adult, but on the other hand give her too much space and she will think you don't care. You could talk to her form teacher at school about how she is getting on there. Also, if you think it this way, when she is shouting at you, it means she isn't shouting at others. All I can suggest is that you come on here to express your concerns and to rant, and to know there will be an end in site. I am guessing by your signature that she is 13. School year 9 (in the UK) or rather ages 13-14 are notoriously very hard years. I'm not saying that older teens or younger teens will give you no trouble, but that particular age group has always been associated with the issues you have listed above. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) she lost it last night because i asked her to put a light out she was passing ,this led to and outburst about how im lazy and are always getting her to do things ! she went to bed in a strop and usually she is calm enough to discuss the issues the next day but not in this case Hi Jollypig, My daughter is 18 and also epileptic - this past year she is making some headway in explaining her behaviour after an event similar to what you mention. I'm not sure how your daughter feels about herself - but my daughter is very insecure, feels a failure at everything yet places high expectations on herself - she also thinks because of her behaviour she doesn't deserve anyone to love her or care for her and is also aware that she doesn't think the same as 'normal' people and this frustrates her. Very often if I ask my daughter to do something that makes her think that she should have done it herself without me asking her to do it she will feel firstly massively guilty and then useless for not thinking to do it herself - sometimes I also phrase things that afterwards I can see she's taken it as a 'slight' on her (if you know what I mean). I'm just wondering if your daughter also feels guilty because she didn't do it naturally as you or I would..... Take care, Jb Edited October 6, 2011 by jb1964 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sally44 Report post Posted October 6, 2011 Having similar things with my son who is only 10! Told me some time ago that he would be glad when I was dead because I would stop telling him what to do and that he would be so happy he would have a party!! Then 30 minutes later he is inconsolable about the "bad things" he has said to me. I think my son also resents his difficulties and how dependent he still is. He also does not have social communication or emotional literacy skills. What he often does if we have an "exchange of words", is he will escalate it more and more. He has recently told me that he does that because he wants me to hate him so that either I leave the house, or he leaves home - either way i'm out the picture leaving him alone I presume to do what he wants without anything questioning him or making demands of him. I've got no real suggestions, as we're having our own difficulties dealing with it all ourselves. He has been out of school for months due to anxiety. And as you've said, if you are ill yourself you won't be coping well with this type of outbursts. On a positive note, my son told me "thank you for being so understanding" about something he genuinely was unable to do due to anxiety. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted October 7, 2011 i do try to stay in the background at times but her epilepsy isn't just big seizures she has multiple daily absence seizures ,she is awake but in an unconscious type state,she will keep on walking/eating etc but at a slower pace ,if she has an absence while crossing a road the risks are obvious. she has come in from school happy although she has tried to find a vein with a fork at lunch time !!! there's a small mark . I can see there are big risks but if she can learn to earn your trust by staying in safe places with people who are reliable (while you or a trusted adult can be close at hand) could be a big thing for her - even if it is only very small steps of independence - does she have friends or could there be someone who could accompany her sometimes in a way that gives her some freedom and responsibility (someone who knows the signs of the seizures). Sometimes the tiniest bit of independence can give confidence - I'm sure things are hard enough though at times without the epilepsy as a factor!! If possible try to get her to communicate what she feels as much as possible - if she's down - it is better to get those feelings out in the open to talk them through and hopefully find ways of easing or resolving some of the things she is having a problem with - even if that means it has to be small steps and has to be controlled for safety Regards Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
