Update

[Tally]

Just feel like talking today.

 

It's been over 3 months now since my brother David died in a cycling accident in the USA. At this stage apparently it is normal for you to start believing it is real. Well that is what is happening now. Most of the time I feel OK, but sometimes I feel very sad. I've heard it said that you have to shed a particular number of tears before you will feel OK again. I'm not sure you can take it quite that literally, but I do feel like every time I am sad is part of the process to getting back to being OK again. So it doesn't feel wrong or scary, just plain sad.

 

The man that knocked him off his bike was drink driving, and speeding. He has been charged with "gross vehicular manslaughter," which is roughly equivalent to what we call in the UK "causing death by dangerous driving." Most countries apparently do use the term "manslaughter" to describe this type of crime. He admits to the facts of what happened, but he still pleads not guilty because he wishes to be convicted on a lesser charge that carries a lesser sentence. The maximum sentence is 10 years, but no one has ever been sentenced that long. We've been told it's most likely he will be sentenced to 5 years, of which he will probably serve half. He has been awarded bail, but no one has come up with the money, so he remains in prison.

 

We are not so concerned with making him suffer a long prison sentence. His conscience will make him suffer plenty, whether he is in prison or not. What matters most to us is that he is convicted.

 

Obviously there are no garuntees he will be convicted. But the American police and the court people have said they are pretty sure this will happen. My dad's friend who is a judge in the UK has said that the police reports are much more thorough than he's ever seen in the UK. So I think it's realistic to believe that he will be convicted.

 

The court case begins on 19th October. It doesn't really start properly at first though, as they have a long jury selection process in the USA. I'm not really sure when they will start hearing evidence. They are keeping us updated though.

 

If the driver is convicted, two of David's relatives may give a victim impact statement to the court. My parents would have been the obvious choice, but they can only really replicate what the other says about the impact of losing a son. Plus my mum does not wish ever to go back to California, although she could have submitted it in writing for someone else to read for her. We have decided that my dad and I will travel to the USA to deliver them in person. This is likely to be some time in the new year.

 

The coroner in the UK is still faffing about with the inquest and has not yet established the cause of death or issued a death certificate. He has been asking my dad for copies of police reports and medical records. I told my dad it's not his job and he should let the coroner get them from America himself, and my dad said he was already doing this. We do already know the cause of death and have a death certificate issued by the state of California, which has been accepted by everyone we've had to show it to. So really it has absolutely no effect on us what the coroner wishes to do behind the scenes. Whatever makes him happy.

 

We still have not scattered the ashes. My dad and I are keen to do this as soon as possible, but my mum is not ready. I don't really want him in a pot, I want him outdoors somewhere nice. I think we will put some pressure on my mum if it gets beyond the first anniversary, but for now we need to wait for her to be OK with it.

 

David was attempting to cycle across the USA from Los Angeles to New York. Mainly he was doing this as a personal challenge, and because he loved cycling. But he also hoped to raise money for a charity called Find Your Feet. So far, £10,000 has been donated to Find Your Feet in personal donations in memory of David. It's going to be used to start a project in Nepal, working with poor rural communities to prevent families, including children, becoming slaves.

 

In 18th September, David's friend organised a memorial football match. It was a really enjoyable day. £2600 was raised for Find Your Feet, and they hope to make it an annual event. Many of David's friends are doing marathons, the 3 peaks, and other challenges to raise money for charity. We also hope, between us, to piece together David's America ride over the next few years.

 

I'm managing to get on with things, plan for the future, and try to make a good future for myself. I started my new job back at the dry cleaners again. I've been there 4 weeks now I think. I like it there. I am moving house to live closer to my parents. After a last-minute panic, it seems to be going OK again and I may even move before the end of October. I'm still planning to go to university next year, but it will be the one closest to me as I don't want to go away now. I think by the time I graduate I will feel Ok about going to live somewhere else for work. I'm volunteering once a week at a wildlife rescue centre, where I get to cuddle cute baby squirrels. I'm going to a German class. When that finishes I'm going to do the Open University course in ASD - mainly because I think it should be really easy for me and give me a formal qualification to prove I know stuff about ASD. One of my dreams is to work with big cats, and another is to work somewhere like a city farm teaching disabled children and adults about gardening and animal care. To be honest I'd be quite happy working in the dry cleaners forever and bird-watching on my day off. As long as there are animals in my life there will be happiness.

 

Still having massive problems with eating, sleeping, concentration, getting into a sensible routine, remembering to eat meals and go to bed before 2am, that kind of thing. But I'm getting there.

 

OK, I think I have emptied my head now.

[Suze]

Tally....just talking and sharing can be a big help .It keeps davids memory alive and makes sense of the here and now and what your going through and coping with.Thanks for sharing and giving an update into how things are for you.I don,t know how I would cope with grief and loss like that.Your family have so much more to cope with though.The court case must be a huge stress and worry for you all , and you will find you,ll all deal with it , in different ways aswell.David has left behind a huge legacy in his charity and doing things for it will help keep his memory alive.Your doing lots of positive things , moving closer to mum and dad will help and the volounteering sounds really cool.I,m a big animal lover too and my dogs, pony , and chickens are a big help to me if I,m low or sad .I think about your loss alot and how hard things must be , I,m sure it goes without saying that you and your family are in many peoples thoughts and prayers , take care suzexxxx

[Pancakemaker]

I'm sorry Tally,I didn't know about David,I hope the driver gets what he deserves,and that you and your family find the peace you deserve.it's always very hard when someone's taken so fast and unexpectedly,it makes it so much harder to accept.xxxxxx

[Lyndalou]

Is there somewhere on-line where you can donate to 'Find Your Feet'? I'd like to do so. <'>

[Kathryn]

<'> <'>

 

You've done amazingly well, Tally, in focusing on what you want to do with your life and getting on with it. It's hard enough losing someone close but to lose them in a different country and in such circumstances must make it even more tough.

 

I expect going to the US will not be easy, on the other hand it will give you a chance to say exactly what you feel. I hope the process of bringing this person to justice carries on smoothly and with the right outcome at the end, and I hope it doesn't cause you and your family more disruption than it has to.

 

Do you want to post a link to David's charity here then people can donate if they want to?

 

K x

[bid]

Oh Tally, I think you have shown great dignity and wisdom through this dreadful time <'> <'>

 

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible in America.

 

Bid <'>

Edited October 8, 2011 by bid

[smiley1590]

tally it takes ALOT of courage and bravery to 'pick up and carry on' try put everything back on track especially after losing your brother to such tramautic sudden circumstances must have been a total shock disbelief for your and your family you and your family and honouring your brother's memory and doing your best keeping strong and carry on with daily life best you know how to in this difficult situation your brother would be SO PROUD of you! not easy with everything still 'hanging' over you and your family as still reliving events from that fateful day must be emotionally draining!

 

XKLX

[Tally]

You can donate to Find Your Feet in memory of David here: http://www.justgiving.com/davidwilliams

Or you can post a cheque payable to "Find Your Feet" to: Find Your Feet, Unit 316, Bon Marche Centre, 241 - 251 Ferndale Road, London, SW9 8BJ. If you enclose a note saying that it is in memory of David Williams, they will make sure it goes toward the Nepal project.

My mum is an employee of Find Your Feet and will be given the information that the charity receive about people who donate. She is finding it comforting to write thank you letters, so she may write to you. If you want to mention how you know David, you can say that you know me (my real name is Laura) from the autism forum, but please don't give them the actual link! You can donate anonymously if you prefer.

 

If you'd asked me before how I would have coped with something like this I would have said I would have crumbled. I'd never lost anyone close before so I didn't know what to expect.

 

People have been really amazing though, and I've drawn so much strength from them. David has a big group of close friends who he's known since school, and a few others they've picked up along the way. They have been really good to me and my parents, coming round to go through photo albums and all sorts. They've invited themselves round my parents' house for David's birthday next May, which will be much nicer than us just moping about. It's been tough on the boys especially because they can't break down in tears and hug their mates like girls can. One of them was a pallbearer and doing that was a big comfort to him. Another found comfort in organising the football match.

 

The first couple of weeks while my parents were still in the USA were extremely difficult. Because of the time difference, the bulk of the daytime was nighttime for them and I spent the day just waiting for them to wake up and phone. However, the time difference did mean I could phone them in the middle of the night. But I was very well looked-after by lots of people, and my parents were very well looked-after by the American police and the embassy. I will never complain about the price of a passport again!

 

Most days are OK now. Some are even good! Others are very difficult.

[KezT]

Tally, three months is no time at all really:( It's been just over ten years since my brother died and i still have bad days.... But time does help. The first year is the hardest because every day is the first "xxx" without him, and your mum may well find that getting past that first anniversary helps a little. BUt TBH I don't think my mum ever "got over" my brothers death. I'm not sure any of us did, in that we were al irreversably changed by what happened. Hopefully the trial will bring some closure for you all. But all you can do is get on with your life as much as possible and allow yourself to work through the emotions and grieving process in your own time and way. xxx

[matzoball]

Glad to hear you are getting there Tally. Thoughts are still with you and yours xx

[Lynden]

Tally it's such a huge thing that you and your family have gone and are continuing to go through. I think you show amazing strength. I imagine going to the States will be incredibly hard but possibly quite cathartic for you too. I hope he does get convicted, but as you say his conscience is something he will have to live with forever. Big hugs to you.

 

Lynne x