Spirit Report post Posted December 14, 2011 Hey All Wow. Where to start? Ok, I'm 28 and my partner is 38. We've been together for 18 months and we've been living together for nearly a year too. (I relocated 130 miles, in part to be with him, and our housemate has just moved out - so we finally have space & privacy *yay* ). Obviously I love him very much, but so frequently we seem to have communication problems. We speak the same language, but we may as well not; there's so much misunderstanding of what each of us means. Someone suggested to me some months ago that my partner may have Aspergers and I have since researched what this is and was shocked to find that SW (partner) meets an awful lot of the 'criteria'. Unfortunately, it has not been suggested to him before and he is not diagnosed. But it has been playing on my mind and this evenings outburst has pushed me to properly asking for help... It's really putting a huge strain on our relationship and i find it very hurtful a lot of the time; I seem to spend more time tryign to address and sort an issue than being happy in this relationship. And it is very, very hard work. But when SW is good, he's really, really great and I don't want to give up on him or us. He doesn't get on with his family and doesn't really have any friends, so I want to see what I can do to communicate better with him (& me understand him, which may help me feel less hurt); I find that he's bringing me down an awful lot. TBH, even if we don't continue with the relationship, it would be great to see if I can help him, to assist him moving on with his life. I apologise if this comes across as moaning, but I can assure you that his characteristics really are similar to that of a 'classic' aspergers sufferer and I just want to help us, save us and carry on happily with our lives; together, without having to put soo much effort into us. I haven't mentioned this to my friends or family as I doubt they know what it is, but maybe on here, I can find some understanding advice more about the condition in adults and maybe a little bit of support..? How can I get a solid diagnosis? How would I bring it up with him, without causing great offense? Anyone who has been through similar, with someone of a similar age? Any advice is gratefully received. Thank you for listening, all the same. Spirit Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted December 14, 2011 Hello Spirit, and welcome to the forum No, you don't sound like you are moaning. Obviously you are not seeking support with the good aspects of your relationship, only the difficult parts. I am an adult with Asperger's, I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and I am 30 now. It was suggested to me by two other people. I read a little about it, but I wasn't really aware of how I came across to others and the list of traits didn't make any sense. It was only when I happened across an article written by a woman with Asperger's about how she feels that I realised I felt the same way and that it did actually make sense after all. I can appreciate the difficulty of bringing up the subject with your partner because I have two people I know well who I think have Asperger's and I haven't worked out how to bring the subject up with either of them. If your partner is aware he has difficulties he might be much more receptive to an explanation for them. You need to bear in mind that the difficulties he perceives may be totally different to the ones you do! I have a book which I think is very good. It's called Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Realtionships by Ashley Stanford. It is written by a woman whose husband has Asperger's. Aside from the obvious, it also talks about how Asperger's can present in adults, especially when they have been undiagnosed until adulthood. It might also give you some ideas of how better to communicate with your partner so that he can understand your needs better. You don't need a diagnosis to start trying this. It could also be helpful to see a relationship counsellor. I know a few people who have found Relate extremely helpful. Even without a diagnosis, they should be able to help you raise the issues with each other in a non-confrontational way. They might even help you bring up the subject of Asperger's with your partner - you should have some individual sessions as well as being seen together. You can even go by yourself if your partner is unwilling, they can often still help you that way. Diagnosis for adults can be very difficult to come by. He would need to start with his GP, and it's normal to see the mental health team to rule out mental health difficulties as a cause for the symptoms. He would eventually need to be assessed by a psychologist, but it can be very difficult to get an assessment out of the NHS. There is always the option to be assessed privately. But it sounds like this is all a little way off yet I think there are a few people around in a similar position to yourself. I hope they will make themselves known to you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly73 Report post Posted December 14, 2011 (edited) I don't see expression concern as moaning... wow, quite a difficult situation you are in! Are there other area's that aren't functioning for him.. that might give you a lead, maybe My partner hasn't been diagnosed either, not as an aspie at least.. that made it easier for me to address him on that topic.. I asked him if he saw himself as NT.. he responded not so much.. Maybe it'll help to read up on stuff like sensory input problems that undermines the functioning.. (Olga Bogdashina has a wonderful book on that! ) Than you might address certain characteristics.. and ask him if there are things that he might struggle with.. I'm Dutch.. so I don't know the English process.. But first you need to tackle your friend, secondly for a diagnosis one needs the GP's approval as far as I know! Loads of love and strength to you! Good luck, Bfly Edited December 14, 2011 by butterfly73 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted December 15, 2011 Hello I know someone who fits all the classic criteria too, a friend, but I would never tell them what I think. If I did - and that's a very big "if"!! I'd just come out and say it - I'm rubbish at subtle - this is probably not always the best idea though - but with things like this I don't see the point in skirting round the issue - I'd just say, hey, I was reading this thing the other day and it reminded me of you, what do you think? As already pointed out though, it'd depend on his awareness of any problems, and his point of view about diagnosis, or having a label... and the big question is what would it achieve. Take me for example, I was diagnosed several months ago and having the diagnosis hasn't changed anything in any real and graspable way - sure, I have a reason for some of my difficulties, an explanation even, but ut hasn't made it all go away - and its hard cuz some people wanna use it as an excuse, I don't like people saying I have AS so that means I won't/can't do something, or lowering their expectations, I actually hope that I'll "get there" some day - even if it takes forever. From what I've seen on here, and through researching it, a lot of people seem to feel relief when they are diagnosed (but I'm not one of them) I guess there's no guarantee to any of this - his reaction, outcome, the future etc. cuz everyone is different. Best Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeolienne Report post Posted January 22, 2012 On a point of information, people do not "suffer" from Asperger's syndrome. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
