Unhappy teenager

[KezT]

DS is 11, but well into teenage hormones..... He started secondary school this September, and they have been absolutely great - well supportive with everything, but DS has not made any friends at all. He goes to several clubs including a "breakers" club at break/lunch time for kids who have dificulties dealing with that time, but can barely name another child, never mind claim to be friends with them.

 

He is very unhappy with his lfe at the moment - he desperately wants to have friends and to play with others:( It doesn't help that he is very big for his age (5'4 and over 10 stone), but still plays like a 5 year old - very physical and in your face, so is always being told off for being too rough/dangerous.

 

We have been having some real battles at home about the way he behaves towards us as his parents - he shouts a lot and always speaks in terse commands/orders rather than asking for things....

 

Dad gets really angry at this, and they are at loggerheads every day:( He has reported dad twice for hitting him, even though he doesn't! (both SS and school have completely dismissed the allegations after investigating).

 

He says no-one listens to him and no-one cares about him - I know that is normal teenage talk, but I think he believes it all the time....

 

Does anyone have any advice to help DS feel better about himself or to help with the home dynamics? Its really geting us down:(

[justine1]

Hi

 

I know how you feel. Although it is different in that my son is NT, he is also 11 and most of what you describe sounds just like him!

 

He goes to secondary school sept 2012. He is very bright,achieving level 5's for all subjects and is the chairman on the school council.He has always been quite back chatty,not just with me but with any adult he thinks is wrong! Surprisingly he has always been a "teachers pet" in fact two weeks ago he had left his work at home,I got a call from his teacher asking if she could come and collect it,I was so shocked! Sam gets detention when he forgets his work. I do find teachers tell him how clever he is etc a bit too much and it does go to his head a bit.

 

I have a new partner so this has cause him to be a little worse at home. He was "man of the house" for just over three years since I left their dad,I guess he thought I would never be with anyone again.He blanks my new partner,hardly utters a word,though I know when I am out he seems to speak to him more so that is good to know. He is very spoilt though and even my family keep moaning about how he gets what he wants all the time. He has the most clothes,and most expensive, a doctor who mag subscription,contract mobile and goes to bed late.

 

 

I know where I go wrong with him but feel its so hard as he gets older. I am using same methods Sam has i.e if he is disrespectful he gets no telly or game time,however it has not effect on him long term as he will still be disrespectful. He feels very badly done by and have no idea why. I have given him 1:1 time every night for an hour,we either go through his work or just chill watching something he likes or playing a game. It helps a little as far as he does seem to feel more loved. Maybe you could try spending more 1:1 time together doing something he likes.It does'nt have to be every night could just be once a week. It is worth a try. Maybe his dad could do similar say once a month to try rebuild their relationship.

[Sally44]

This was all a major issue for our son too. And thankfully it is now being addressed in his new placement.

 

But you are in a LA school aren't you?? So I would recommend that you phone the speech therapist first and say "xxxx wants to have friends and play, but he does not have the social communication or interaction skills to achieve this. It is making him very unhappy."

 

This is the speech therapists remit. She should have assessed him, and he should have targets, which should be put onto his IEP.

 

These are all "Educational" elements. Education is not just about english and maths. If you went to an Educational Tribunal they would agree with you and his Statement would contain this as a need in part 2, with professional input and provision in part 3 to meet that need.

 

If he is struggling to recognise and name people - my son was exactly the same. The OT did an assessment [which the SALT could also do], which involved pictures of people and asking him to describe the person and see what he says. My son does not look at faces to get information. He often processess things out of real time. He cannot multi task. He is now said to have prosopoagnosia.

 

What we have noticed is that in his new low arousal school, in small classes of 8, and often working 1:1 with the specialist teacher, or the SALT or OT - he has already learnt alot of their names in weeks. Previously he was not learning names after 3 years eventhough he was with the same children/teacher and TAs.

 

This is another need that should be in the Statement. People should always introduce themselves when they approach him and not assume he knows who they are or what they are about to do [some children can believe they are in danger or under attack and lash out]. He could be put with another adult who always wears a name badge, and encouraged to associate certain characteristics about that adult to associate them with the name.

 

If he is not getting this basic information you can imagine how anxious he must be in most situations because everything is new and everyone is unknown. As the psychiatrist said to me "every experience is like learning to drive, and each experience is like a different vehicle." So the "familiarity" never comes.

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

My eldest son went through a phase of sounding angry, shouting etc. We found telling him off or questioning him escalated things. We took the approach of responding to him as if he had responded nicely, in other words ignoring the way he responded but listening to what he was saying. After a period of time, he began responding less crossly and now is mostly very polite. My son wasn't aware of what he was doing or why it was wrong - he wouldn't listen to explanations as he didn't feel he was being 'like that'. I think that's why responding nicely worked - he learned to respond in that way back to us. Obviously if he was doing it to cause an argument it would probably have escalated his behaviour in order to get a reaction from us.

[Sally44]

My son often copies things from TV, both the phrase and tone of voice and does not automatically know what the tone infers. So, as above, in the 'instance' we would respond as if he had used the right tone of voice. But later we might use the same words and use different tones of voice and ask him is this voice 'angry' or 'calm'.

For a long time he used to say 'sorry' often. But it was in the tone of a sarcastic Tracey Beaker! But with work he now uses the right tone, and if he uses the sarcastic one I model it back to him and ask him if that sounds like a true sorry. Sometimes he honestly answers that he is not 'truely sorry'. So in that case he has used the tone correctly - so we have to approach that differently as to why he thinks what he did was okay and does not need an apology.

[Paula]

My son now 18 was also the same and still can be at times.....his speech can be very abrupt and often comes across as rude and shouting and barking orders............i too found that responding to him in kind and questioning him just made everything escalate and worse and we too learnt the ahrd way to just respond as though hed not shouted or barked orders at us to not take it personally..............i would then later on though in a different situation say mum /dad doesnt like it when you shout,swear bark orders stomp about.............he would dismiss it and be in denial initially but very often later on in his own time say im sorry ...................

 

Teans arent easy at the best of times id often just walk away leaving him to rant and shout because what ever i said at the time would just fule his rage.........

[loubeeloulou]

Hi

I agree with the above response, teens are hard work, especially boy teens my 14 lad is like this, he responds abruptly, without regard for whatever 'treats' he has had, I see this as he can't actually work on the basis of 'you've just had.... ' or 'you won't get...' he simply doesn't understand the negotiation element. Not does he get consequences, such as you can't do this or that. Everything is simple, black and white, in his eyes. It doesn't matter if I gave him hundreds, if he is in a state then it's gone.

I've never found an answer, although I too have taken to ignoring him, or just keeping him calm at least. Sometimes I do say I didn't like the tone etc, later on, but emotions are tricky aren't they with asd, I've sat crying at things and he is often repentant looking but hardly ever says sorry.

I used to be quite angst when my other kids 'misbehaved' but I've become a calm almost completely forgiving of anything mother!

I too have given my son pretty much whatever he wants, as he doesn't go school or even go out, I always feel he doesn't have anything else so I should.

Knowing exactly how to respond I guess is whatever flows at the time, staying calm, maintaining everything being the same reaction and keeping everything quiet is often the only way.

L