robo Report post Posted January 10, 2012 My wifes best friend/adopted mother has died today. what am i supposed to do ! she keeps crying i can't look at her and i just want things to be normal. I have a blank in my head there are no rules in my rule book for this, no ruotine. Daniel Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted January 10, 2012 Hi Daniel, sorry you and your wife are going through a rough time. Everyone responds to grief differently so its hard to tell you what to do. Being there for someone who's grieving and going through a loss is pretty important - it might mean listening or just being there, it might mean giving her space sometimes. Whenever I've known someone who's had a major loss I try to remind myself of what they are feeling like - (since this is a pretty major loss you should have a pretty good idea that now is not a good time for her) I have to remind myself though cuz its too easy a week or 2 later to kinda forget the impact and forget that some people take longer get over things. When my mum lost her mum she was upset for months - so was I cuz it was my gran but I deal with things in a different way that is less obvious. I think the most meaningful and simple phrase is to tell your wife that you are there for her - because people react so differently it might just be easier to say to your wife that you want to support her but don't know the best way to do that, and ask her what she'd like you to do. HTH Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sally44 Report post Posted January 10, 2012 Ask if she wants a hug, especially when she's upset. Ask her if she wants to talk about her friend. Go with her to the funeral if you can. Then gradually suggest doing something that she will enjoy and take her mind off things eg. suggest a walk you know she likes. Buy her some flowers [if she likes them] She will gradually feel better. But don't be surprised if she sometimes remembers her friend on special dates etc and gets upset again. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
matzoball Report post Posted January 11, 2012 Just be there for her - ask her what she needs, if she wants to talk about it, listen to her - everyone reacts in their own way to grief so the key is just to be patient and kind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly73 Report post Posted January 11, 2012 Hi Daniel, My condolances to you and your wife. I can totally understand this is a difficult situation for the both of you. Being there for her, supporting her.. that varies with every individual: so indeed it will be wise to say you'd like to be there for her. And you'd like to know if there is anything that you can do for her. Remember: That isn't an odd question at all (NT-men usually don't know either ;-) ) If she'd like to be left alone, or need a hug. Indeed it is important that you Y'might suggest going for a walk, to clear her head a bit, instead of staying indoors.. break the habit a bit. If you can and would like to, you could do sth extra nice for her: cook diner (or order something if y'can't cook ;-) ) You could ask a friend of hers to help, if these aren't thing that you are comfertable with.. That friend won't mind. Friends just want your wife to be happy, thus will help in anything if she feels this sad. That friend might also have good idea's, for they know her.. (and we do not!). If talking is something that frightens you somehow: write down what you'd like to say (extra special: on a loving card). -------- If you feel that she's this sad for far too long.. I'might wanna adress a friend and verify if it is still normal. I wish you all there very best! <<hug>> Marleen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo Report post Posted January 11, 2012 Hi all thank you so much for your suggestions. I do find it really hard just to ask these sort of questions, there seems to be a complete block with talking personal things so writing a card might be a good idea and flowers. Some times i feel the need to give some one a hug but it feels like there is an actual wall preventing me. Its hard to describe. I am going to take the day off work for the funeral, as the kids are going to come as well apart from the youngest. the kids are 9, 7, and 3 years old. Anyway thanks again Daniel Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly73 Report post Posted January 11, 2012 you're totally welcome! Some times i feel the need to give some one a hug but it feels like there is an actual wall preventing me. Its hard to describe.That is just a matter of not-being-used-to or questioning if it be ok.. if you feel like it, just do it (if it is somenone you know..) The more you dare to be yourself and do what your heart tells you.. the more you can loosen up an become yourself ;-) Maybe a confronting question: Why isn't the youngest coming.. did you discuss that with him/her?! All humans need closure.. At that age, they're rather aware, I wouldn't shut them out, I'd let them make the choice.. (My niece is very aware of life and nééds to know! She lost her grandfather a month ago..) Reading books from the library might help, if they have questions: what does 'dead' mean?! Overall it works better to be honest, than to make something up. Though them becoming a star watching over them, that is something I find rather endearing.. But I'm not you.. and I don't know how you see education and parenting.. and they are not my kids ;-) Best wishes and loads of strength in this period and especially on the day of the funeral! love, B'fly Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
