Ex had my Son diagnosed - I disagree

[Scotland_Father]

I have recently found out that my ex had my son diagnosed with Asperger's. I have contact with him, but this was a shock - surely any behavioural testing should have included both parents..... Anyone else in a situation where ASD is being discussed in relation to their children but not being the 'primary care giver' our views are not heard?????

[cmuir]

HI

 

At the risk of being extremely blunt, I don't think its unreasonable to seek the opinion of a child's primary carer that's presumably spent a great deal of time with the child over the years (i.e. infancy, toddlerhood, etc etc). It's only through having spent time with a child day-in-day-out that one gets to know any idiosyncrasies, odd behaviours, etc. Although I'm married to my son's father, my hubby didn't seem to notice to the extent that I did the behavioural issues and odd behaviour, etc, and so I think it would have been incredibly difficult if we'd disagreed about whether we felt there was an issue or not (mainly because I feel that it's understandably so difficult for a child to be assessed and diagnosed anyway, that disagreeing parents could grind that process to a halt). For what it's worth, I do think you should have been consulted and asked for your viewpoint, but do think the primary carer's views should be considered in the first instance for the aforementioned reasons.

 

Best wishes.

 

C.

[Mandapanda]

If a Psychiatrist or Pediatrician has diagnosed Asperger's that is not your ex's fault, and it would be based on an assessment of the child not just one adults' say so. I can understand you might feel left out, but this is about your son getting any help that may be needed, and shouldn't become another reason for an argument between his parents (excuse me saying this, I don't mean to offend you - you may generally get on very well with your ex, or it may be your ex that causes problems, I don't know)..

 

What do you disagree with? The fact it was done without your knowledge or involvement, or with the diagnosis itself? Obviously I don't know what reason your ex might have for not including you - perhaps it's just that you're apart, it's difficult to get hospital appointments without involving more people, or perhaps you have argued about the possibility in the past or not been supportive of any concerns. Perhaps you're the one who had concerns and your ex didn't want to admit that you might be right. It's never easy getting a diagnosis that there is something 'wrong' or 'different' with your child, and in my personal experience in some cases parents can be in denial either because they don't want something to be 'wrong' with their child, or because they think it's normal because they are like that themselves.

 

My husband didn't see the difficulties with our boys as he was out at work all day. He just put difficulties in the evening down to them being tired and ready for bed. Also they'd be pleased to see him (having not seen him all day) and distracted from rituals etc because of that. Also I would be the one to see the boys in the social situations which showed up just how different they were, toddler groups, messy play, playgroup etc.

 

Read up about Asperger's, Tony Atwood writes some very good books which show the positives as well as the negatives.

[butterfly73]

I understand that it is very difficult to have been left out!

Maybe she was afraid you'd try to intervene or deny the test.. Which would not be in the best interest of your kid, which is most important to both parents, right?!

 

Be very aware that having Aspergers, diagnosed or not, makes understanding the world and certain interaction even more difficult.. Anxiety and fear are at the basis of most (new or daily) experiences, due to sensory input being slightly distorted or overloaded..

If the school, parents and other people he's in touch with are aware of that ánd make sure he is as comfertable as possible, your son might not even have any difficulty developing.. And him having Aspergers might not even be noticable (except for himself, needing more time to unwind, quiet time..)

 

Be aware that no-stress and structure are most important for any kid, your son is extra suceptible to that.. So if you'd like to discuss this with your ex, make sure that you know what you say, how you say it, and not have any kids present. So you would not add any stress. Nor in her either, he'd pick it up in nó time!!

 

It is very important you, as parents, need to see eye2eye on this.. If both have a different perspective, it will be hell for your boy!

I'm very glad you expressed your emotions here.. Hopefully it will lead to first steps in acknowledging and accepting.. and starting helping your boy!

 

What are the key elements they noticed about your boy, which made the psychiatrist acknowledge Aspergers?

For some parents.. (and I have met plenty) the caractheristics aren't that special.. they or a sibling were like that themselves as a kid. So even if there would have been a conversation with the psychiatrist, you might not have seen certain signs. (like mentioned above)

I had a parent fill in a list on sensory input.. Tactile everything was fine, also oral sensory input.. Though mom added, that her daugther (9yrs) only ate white bread with peanut butter or whole wheat with cheese.. no mixing that either! I ask you.. If I were to just read the list, it would have been a big zero there: no specifics.. I'm glad the mom added the info ;-) That is how difficult things are to notice, even as the concerned parent.. stuff you might have found odd, is now so normal, or less odd.. thus 'normal'..

 

(I have Aspergers too.. I know that since last year. I would have loved to have known that earlier! Eventhough my 'problems' only started showing in extreem stress, by starting my own practice, which was too much planning for an Aspie to oversee.. Being smart, you think you should be able to handle it, and wonder why everybody else seems to just..flów with it, while you struggle..and struggle again. That was sth I had already learned in secondary school! Not very good for buiding ones self esteem, might I add!!)

 

Love, B'fly

Edited January 19, 2012 by butterfly73

[butterfly73]

I'dd like to add, that the autistic traids with Aspergers are very subtle usually.. That might mean a less severe problem*..

The behaviourisms are less noticable.. thus the outside thinks there are hardly any problems..

 

But if there are, Aspies are used to dealing with things themselves, for their intellect usually compensates and helps.. Until they notice: NOT in everything.. and by that time, they haven't learned to ask for help.. thus struggle and tend to 'drown'..

 

My first real encounter with that.. Highschool essay for history.. For the asignment has to few 'boundries', wasn't specified, I got stuck.. totally went blank up there!

So... it took me ages, and finally I picked something extremely difficult. Even when the teacher tried to help by narrowing stuff down, it was still too big.. I got a D.. I'm not used to D's!

 

(*nope: the fact that it is less noticable is a curse in itself!)

Edited January 19, 2012 by butterfly73

[Sally44]

What is it that makes you think the diagnosis is wrong?

 

You could ask your ex for you to be informed of any future appointments so that you can both attend.

 

The thing is that IF he has been diagnosed, as others have said, that will be because he fits the diagnostic criteria - which you can google ie. DSM IV Aspergers. For a child to be diagnosed they only have to meet one or two of a list of symptoms or behaviours out of each section.

 

Your son should have been seen by a number of professionals over a substantial period of time. This usually includes a Developmental Paediatrician and a Clinical Psychologist, but may also include a Speech and Language Therapist, an Educational Psychologist and may an Occupational Therapist. They will have all met and observed/assessed your son and had meetings or correspondence to discuss their findings.

 

And as hard as it is to come to terms with, if he does have Aspergers, getting a diagnosis is not the end. Your partener, and you, will have to fight to get any support he may need in school.

 

Indeed, if you went to meetings stating that you did not want your son to be diagnosed, or had doubts, the professionals may not diagnose. You must understand that any support that he may receive due to his diagnosis is going to cost the school and local authority and NHS money. So any excuse to put the diagnosis on hold could be used.

 

The National Autistic Society hold "Help" programmes for parents. It might be useful for you to phone your local branch and get your name onto one of their day seminars explaining about Aspergers and how it affects children. That may help you get a better understanding, and there will be someone from the NAS that you could ask some questions of.

 

Alternatively ask your ex-partner if you can come to the next meeting she has [if she has any], so that they can explain to you HOW and IN WHAT WAYS he meets the criteria for Aspergers.

 

If he really does not have Aspergers that will be apparent, especially as he gets older.

 

Most parents find that the difficulties their children have tend to become more obvious as they grow up, especially the lack of social, play, friendship skills.

[justine1]

Hi

 

I can (unfortunatley) see this from both sides. I took my son Sam to get a diagnosis after his school had urged me to do so, I had always suspected something "not quite right" as did my family but whilst living with their father I was told not to take him to GP and that he is fine. He got a diagnosis at age 6 when if I had gone when I was with his dad could have been when he was 2 or 3 saving alot of trouble with regards to school problems.

 

Sam's brother Dan was diagnosed a year after Sam but moved in with their dad a month later (he has eating and sleeping issues ,amoungst othe rthings,and thought it were in his best interest.) Their dad has disregarded both Sam and Dan's dx and in fact slowed down me getting Sam into right education by "forcing" him to attend a mainstream where he only attended three half days and was told not to return!! Since Dan has been with him he did not inform the school and he has had no follow ups since,he needs speech therapy really,he has also stopped contact with me and his brothers at various intervals (lasting total of 5-6 mths if added up) I am now going through the courts which is very hard but have no other choice.

 

I do not know if you have parental responsibilty or not,but if you do you can ask for detailed reports etc,if you dont have them already. Maybe you will see something in there that you noticed but dismissed for other reasons. Also both my boys behave differently in different environments,it maybe that the way your son is with you is not the same at home or school.

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I'm sorry you have come to learn of this diagnosis all of a sudden. It must have come as a massive shock.

 

There are cases where one parent is in denial about a child's difficulties, and the other parent is allowed to pursue a diagnosis without their input. When there are people like you, who have been excluded for no good reason, it does seem unfair, but it is legal.

 

You should have the right to contact your son's school and doctor to find out what is going on there. They should be able to explain to you why this diagnosis has been made and give you the opportunity to have an input.

[darkshine]

Hello,

 

It's probably a good idea to talk to your ex when you get a chance, and see if she can explain everything to you (this could take several conversations as I'm sure you want to know why she thinks this, what made her seek diagnosis and what it all means) and in the mean-time learn more about Asperger's, read the report on your son a few times (ask for a copy) and see what you think in a few weeks time when you've had a chance to find things out and think about it.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

Edited January 19, 2012 by darkshine

[Adam Mars]

Anyone else in a situation where ASD is being discussed in relation to their children but not being the 'primary care giver' our views are not heard?????

 

Why do you think your 'view' on a diagnosis should be heard? Are you a doctor?

[darkshine]

Why do you think your 'view' on a diagnosis should be heard? Are you a doctor?

I think the problem is that he is the father and feels he should have been allowed input on his own son