SidiousUK Report post Posted March 30, 2012 I have come to the conclusion that my "anti angry" pills are not working. No matter what I am doing, the memory of some idiot will pop into my head and remind me of their total stupidity leaving me with the angry feeling boiling in my belly which I then have to fight against which then makes me miserable. I have decided I want a memory wipe. I've seen such a thing on a TV show that I enjoy and I have even made a copy for my shrink so he can see if it really does exist. I've just about had enough and well believe Master Yoda when he says: "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to pain, pain leads to suffering" - Yeah my suffering not the rest of the stupid world. The more I do to help my self the more the devils own herd lays cowpats in my way. I didn't ask for this life, like I didn't ask for this particular disability. Wipe the 40 years of idiot abuse from my brain and we can then let the world take advantage for another 40 years buy which time I can just be considered senile! Rant over SidiousUK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special_talent123 Report post Posted March 30, 2012 do u get flashbacks I do, i am trying to deal with them by talking a helpline specialising in this kind of abuse I have been through. I understand what you mean my head counts each 30th and then i feel down and the week it close to 30th then the week falls apart and i think im upsetting everyone but don't mean too. PM me if u need too Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SidiousUK Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Not really flashbacks just total recall of conversations. I would say it's a bit like tourettes - I remember a conversation from years past, get angry and utter a few explectives and then feel absoloutly knackerd but with a feeling to belt the living daylights out of something. I just want a memory wipe. I don't if I don't remember anything - just want a clean slate Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LancsLad Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Sidious this is a very powerfull post. What I would say is that in life we can not stop events from happening nor can we easily control our emotions which come as a result of such events. What I think we can do and this takes a lot of concious effort is influence where and how we store such experiences in our minds. I think that a large part of the AS condition for example requires we re-route our neurological pathways anyway so why not be constructive about it. For my part when something happens I find I need to give it an associated label which relates to a stroage zone in my brain. We do this all the time when I hear the latest Coldplay track on the radio for example I think that sounds like Coldplay, I listen to see if it is Coldplay from the presenter and then I go to music/favorites/coldplay/newtrack untill I might buy the album and assign more infor name of it track number 3 and even give it a rating based on my own taste 'not as good as their early stuff' for example. Why should we not do the same with bad experiences and good ones for that matter? My own sotrage system of my brain has a very big file named '###### happens all the time'. The point is do I want to focus on ordering this stuff or is it a dump place, the answer for me is I don't dwell on this stuff and dump it in there. The good stuff in my life in contrast i very carefully arrange with multiple coppies if needed in different locations and I try to focus on these areas. Sidious if you are talking about some form of electro therapy it feels like you are contemplating a kind of system restore in computer terms. My gut reaction is, is there an earlier restore point in your life which you can use as a basis for tidying up all this stuff from and putting it into the right places or not? If you do go for this option you are of course going to wipe out some good stuff along the way. I currently have two computer machines here in my office one stuck in safe mode after a major crash, the other three weeks old which I have slowly loaded programmes and transfared files across too and am slowly making sure has everything I want before I get my better and more powerfull machine up and running by going back to factory settings, you have no similar opportunity with the suggested approach. What you might be able to do is gather together evidence of the better things in your life and whilst someone going down this path might not recall such events it does help to give them a strong indication as to things like personality etc... I think this would be a sensible precaution and one which could play a significant part in reorganising how you arange your life at present. It is a process I would engage in but the choice is yours. Sidious you have been through a lot recently please don't underestimate it, I don't when I think of you. These things take time and often they come with a lot of pain which reemerges. We get some answers and this often leads to simply asking more and deeper questions to ourselves, I think this is natural. Keep things in context and be constructive. I am not saying this is not an option but it is a pretty extreme one. I would not be surprised if your GP is against it on ethical grounds and if they are you will have to respect their views on this. It is an option but there are also others which irt needs to be considered alongside just trying to offer a few suggestions as to what they might be, take care. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SidiousUK Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Thanks LancsLad I can only think of one thing that has made me happy and that was when I was about 12 or 13. I want a brain wipe. I don't care if I don't recognise my family, remember how to drive, etc Anything has to be better than living with total recall of times when people have taken the p*ss out of someone who has tried to help out, do the right thing, do a good job. Ethics will have nothing to do with it. Money talks. so if the GP won't do it. I'll go to someone who will - for a price. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LancsLad Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Sidious I will always respect anyones personal views. You have described yourself as "someone who has tried to help out, do the right thing, do a good job". In my book these are actions which are deserving of a label in respect to positive qualites which are I suspect a true and honest reflection of yourself. You have however for your own reasons and at the time this might have been a very valid response, placed a very strong negative label to the associated events. The point I am trying to make here is that at times to use the computer analogy we might decide to create some new folders and move things around a bit so it is ordered in a more logical structure. I am not sure this is neccessarily the best time considering what you have been through recently to undertake such an exercise. What you are advocating is deleting out the examples in you life when you have been a person who has tried their best to help others out, has done the right thing in situations and who does do a good job. For me many of those things are esential building blocks to construct things such as self esteem around. I can fully understand that the assesment process you have been through recently might have acted as a buldozer on your self esteem foundation structures. We all react differently and in a previous post in constructing a reply i have to admit to reading back through diagnostic criteria and I felt "oh ###### is that how I would describe myself". My personal answer at the time before replying back to your post then was no I don't read it all that way, but I might have a copule of years back immediatly post diagnosis if I had started to think that way. In this respect I believe I understand where you are coming from and can respect that as a very valid reation, I don't however agree with it in the short term as I think there needs to be a passage of time before coming to any final conclusion on this issue. My concern is that if you get fixated on this response you in effect minimise the possibilities working. I would rather advocate by all means find out more about this procedure and possibly try to contact someone who has been through it their experiences might be invaluable. I would also try and rebuild you own self esteem post the diagnosis process and I would press your GP for support in this, it is one thing supporting a decision to go for a diagnosis but there needs to be a level of responsibility present which involves dealing with any consequences. As someone who has been through a diagnosis in the past couple of years and who thinks in very black and white terms, one of the best things I managed to do was to try very hard and be neautral in my thoughts regarding my diagnosis and simply let everything settle down. I was fortunate to have a demanding university course to complete in the following months and this was a good distraction. Without such a focus I can not say how I would have reacted even then it was difficult not to question everything. When emotions are running high thoughts tend to come flooding out of our brains and once they start it is very difficult to put the brakes on. It is all too easy to create a label machine which might simply say pain, or bad or negative and slap the label onto everything which comes out as a way of dealing with its emergence. It think this is what might be happening here, only you will truly know. In many ways I have to look at myself and say even though many may find this post shocking who am I to judge you, after all I have planned on a number of occasions to take my own life. In comparison logic would say this must be a better option than that. The nearest thing I can relate to is someone wanting to go for a gender change. I could not say that in many cases this might be a very good option, there will also cases where such operations have been reversed at the request of the individual concerned. In many ways this is far more serious that that as it is not reversable there is no hard drive to keep at one side just in case. As such it is something which needs to be thought through over an extended period to make sure everything has been carefully thought through. I have worked with children who do not know their parents and can see the massive holes this leaves in their lives, this is far more serious than that. I have said my piece and know you will take it as it is meant with a great deal of empathy for your position, thinks this one through very carefully and try and understand the context you are in and how it may be affecting you. best wishes. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SidiousUK Report post Posted March 30, 2012 No matter waht you do to help people they always end up <explective deleted> on you. So I see it as dammed if you do, dammed if you don't Best way is to forget, and as I can't seem to forget (even things from as far back as school) the only solution is to have them wiped. As it does not appear that you can selectivly wipe, the only other solution is totally wipe. You seem to know me LancsLad and you should know that I will consider all variables before attempting to get my mind zapped. I have received little to no help at all from the medical fraternity throughout my whole experience with this syndrome to date, so I may as well sort myself out as usual and I don't have the time to wait for the latest "little blue tablet" to see if that works and then onto the next new fad. Don't worry, It is not something your usualy domestic supply can rectify and has to be done within a hospital with specialist equipment SidiousUK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted March 30, 2012 I have come to the conclusion that my "anti angry" pills are not working. No matter what I am doing, the memory of some idiot will pop into my head and remind me of their total stupidity leaving me with the angry feeling boiling in my belly which I then have to fight against which then makes me miserable. I have decided I want a memory wipe. I've seen such a thing on a TV show that I enjoy and I have even made a copy for my shrink so he can see if it really does exist. I've just about had enough and well believe Master Yoda when he says: "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to pain, pain leads to suffering" - Yeah my suffering not the rest of the stupid world. The more I do to help my self the more the devils own herd lays cowpats in my way. I didn't ask for this life, like I didn't ask for this particular disability. Wipe the 40 years of idiot abuse from my brain and we can then let the world take advantage for another 40 years buy which time I can just be considered senile! Rant over SidiousUK I know what you mean about this - and its another reason I don't do anything, any stupid conversation just auto plays through my head when I don't want it to - and its worse when everything's quiet and still because then my mind turns it up a key. Then I get incredibly angry - to the point where I'm imagining all sorts of stuff - anything from things I could have said at the time to far worse. Unfortunately unless you damage your brain, you can't have a memory wipe - oh for a system restore on humans, or a new hard drive - a clean slate.... I find that my "angry pills" do ok with reducing my head stuff - it varies but on average by 20-60% better - what do you take? Mine are anti-psychotic pills (they are actually for epilepsy in the main). Another thing I want to do in the near future is find anger management so that I have coping skills for when I get angry - because its rubbish being stuck in a loop with it. Do you think this sort of thing could help you too? Best Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SidiousUK Report post Posted March 30, 2012 These are my second lot of anti physcotics. There is no way I would even consider anger management. Sitting around with a bunch of carbon based lifeforms is something I will not even consider. To quote a tee-shirt I once saw, I don't need anger management, you need to stop p*ssing me off! The procedure I want is featured in House Season 3 Episiode 11 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Words_and_Deeds SidiousUK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) Interesting... but what if you ended up being a worse you but you didn't know because you didn't remember? Or what if it made you something evil? Or a sick bast4rd? There's no guarantee that you would come out of it better..... and to be honest it seems like a bit of a cop out sorry but it does... I understand your sentiments though - its just that I think we get these challenges for a reason and if we can overcome them we become stronger as a result - just takes an eternity. I'm not keen on sitting in a group doing therapy of any kind either - my views on this are not positive - but the other "people" there don't have to matter - in a selfish way, the only thing that would matter would be looking out for you. Anger management was just an example - maybe there's other ways... I'll let you know if I find them... as I myself have not found a reliable method of stopping the things you describe - in fact I've often done stupid things to just get those types of thoughts out of my head - or at least I tried. I don't want drugs forever either as they only mask the problem - they don't solve it - but sometimes the masking can give us the space to find other methods of dealing with things if we think about it the right way. Again - I haven't managed this either but hey, it's better than zapping myself and maybe turning into a worse me than the one I got now, cuz knowing my luck I'd end up in a worse place... Edited March 30, 2012 by darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LancsLad Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Have spent a bit of time trying to find out more Sidious have you got a name for the procedure. Alternativley what part of the brain is the electrotherapy aimed at as I have in the past research electro therapy as it was suggested to me some time back as a means of kicking in some synapse activity, but i decided not to follow this up. What you are suggesting would be something entirely different and possibly aimed at the Hippocampus area of the brain am I right or wrong here? I know some people feel that this area of the brain and it funcionality is linked to things such as short term lack of memory and some conditions such as Turrets Syndrome. I kind of share Darkshines concerns that this sort of thing is not as clear cut as it might seem and you need to think of all eventualities and what life might be like in a worse case scenario. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted March 30, 2012 Some good points LancsLad - I'm curious too - and how much control would they have in localising certain memories - I thought a fair amount of this stuff still has many uncertainties (biology of the brain that is - when I said this stuff) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
