Ive taken on Asperger traites

[Paula]

Ive realised........no ive known for a long time......ive become exactley like my 18 year old asperger son because ive had to be like him i guess so he doesnt get aggitated and upset.

 

What i mean is that i also hate going to new places so avoide at all cost........because of my son ive spent the best part of 18 years going to the same places so he felt safe.......now i only feel safe in places i know.I no longer socialise with anyone except my husband,son and daughter......I hate visitors comeing to the house......i dont answer the telephone unless in know who it is......i havent seen my sister for twelve months.......we used to see each other at least twice a month,i no longer visit my parents .........i used to go every week.I never go to anywhere different to eat, i always visit the same shops in the same order when i go out,i avoide busy times i like to be there and back before the crowds....againe ive had to do this for years so my son felt comfortable.........its got worse due to the fact hes been home with me these past two years so his ridged routines have become my ridged routines............I find i feel panicky if ive to break a routine ..........i hate being late...........

 

My sister wants to meet up this week ive kinda siad yes but im already thinking of how i can get out of it............

 

Was wondering has anyone else slowely over time inadvertantley but through necessasity taken on autistic traites without relaiseing it............

Edited April 15, 2012 by Paula

[justine1]

Wow I don't think thats taking on autistic traits,I think thats becoming a prisoner and being controlled by your son,sorry just an observation.

 

I lived with a very controlling man for 10 years of my life and everything you discribe is how it was for me. I was completely cut off from my family for three years. I did not have any confidence left and so never socialised. It was a miserable excistence. I am not one to go out partying or heavy socialising but I do like to have the choice to do so and now that I have re-built the relationship with my family I see my brother once a week for coffee and his family come once a month for a get together. I also try and see my father once a week,though he is often too ill/tired.

 

I think what has happened is that you have become so used to that way of life,the only way to get back your life is to start going out. I know it will be hard at first but you just have to push yourself to do it. Trust me you will regret it if you don't.

[JeanneA]

Paula I agree with Justine, she is definitely right in what she said. I to was exactly like you until last year when sadly I had to place my son into a care home due to his serious aggression towards both him and me. I've only recently started to get my life back slowly it does take a while after 17 years of doing what is best for my son. Do try and push yourself as Paula has suggested it is not easy but you really need to do it. Is there someone who can look after your son for a while so that you can do something for yourself? and please do see your sister, can she visit you are your house at all if that is better for you? Family is important trust me, please don't lose contact with your siblings and parents.

[oxgirl]

I understand what you mean, Paula. I gradually became more and more isolated and lost more and more confidence until I, too, felt like I was the autistic one! I think it's that you get so used to being alone with your child that you get out of the habit of being around people and then it just becomes easier and safer to stay that way. Last year I finally managed to get a part-time job and it has done me the world of good. I was a nervous wreck at the start, but it has really helped me to break out of the prison that it sometimes felt like at home. So few people without autistic children understand just how isolating it is, not just for the child, but also for the parents. They are out there with their parties and their sleepovers and play dates, but, because our children don't have friends, then we can't participate in that life and end up as alone as our children are.

 

I would urge you to push yourself to do things. I have worked hard to increase my lad's independence so that now I can go to work three mornings a week and leave him to get himself up and get himself some lunch. Holidays are the worst, if I had to stay at home with him, just the two of us, for five days a week all day, it wouldn't be good for him or me. I've had to break out of MY shell in order to help him to break out of HIS and to show him that it is possible.

 

~ Mel ~

[darkshine]

 

I would urge you to push yourself to do things. I have worked hard to increase my lad's independence so that now I can go to work three mornings a week and leave him to get himself up and get himself some lunch. Holidays are the worst, if I had to stay at home with him, just the two of us, for five days a week all day, it wouldn't be good for him or me. I've had to break out of MY shell in order to help him to break out of HIS and to show him that it is possible.

 

~ Mel ~

 

As someone with AS I'd just like to say that this is so true!!!!

 

People who spend extended amounts of time with me end up getting sucked into the void if they aren't careful...

 

Over the last year I have had to repeatedly tell my housemates to go out and get their social lives back instead of the 3 of us rotting together - they have - and by doing so I meet a couple more people now and I get dragged along to things every now and then - and even though I want to back out and not go I try because they try - and their motivation rubs off on me and stuff - including independence...

 

I need that!! I need to see them living a life and doing ok cuz it makes me think I might be able to do certain things and then gradually I can do more things - its a balance though cuz if they did it all the time I would feel useless and trapped and like I was being left out - in this case I am fortunate as my housemates are still antisocial enough to not go out too much

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think I know what you mean...

 

Caring for an ASD son who has significant anxiety issues and behavioural problems, I've found that I have to consider outings, going to restaurants, visits to shopping centre, etc etc. As a result, I've found that because I've had to consider things very carefully, it's almost like I've adopted his mindset in some way, which I think to some degree impacts upon me, whether it's out of habit/routine or way of thinking.

 

There was a recent programme about Carers in Scotland and I think one of the families summed things up in a nutshell - when they were given some respite, both parents were often too exhuasted to actually go out. They went further and added that it was almost as if they had lost the ability to do normal things.

 

Caroline.

[Sazale]

My sister in law offered to babysit last weekend and we nearly said no as couldn't be bothered! I even said to my other half we could do with renting a little flat so that when people babysit we can go there to rest!

 

Both me & my partner have noticed the same things (he works from home). It's amazing how it creeps up on you and you don't realise you're doing it!

[Paula]

Thats whats happend to me its crept up on me and like someone said you forget what a normal life is...........our son can be left alone hes 18 and can rustle up a microwave meal and i do go out to the supermarket or shops.....but i always go to to the same place .........i find i cant be bothered going somewhere different ive got too used to doing the same things.........i do have a little casual job ive done it on and of for years......i escort special needs kids to and from schools im a school bus escort but i only work a hour in the morning and one in the afternoon.

 

I dont have freinds........lets be honest its hard to have folks round for coffee and chats when youve got a kid that screamed the place down if anyone came into the house or constantley shouted at you to shut up talking and kept putting his hand over youre mouth.........he thankgod doesnt do that anymore but the damage was done years ago........

 

A neighbour recently told me an elderly neighbour that the rumour going round the neighbours was that i abused and beet my son because they could often daily here him screaming like he was being hurt..........no wonder no one spoke to me..........i once explained to my immediate neighbours that he was autistic and hated water so if they heard screaming comeing from the bathroom it was because of that...........

 

We could never get baby sitters ,and he wouldt go to his grandparents so over the years you just get used to things being limited........

 

I also have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.........so combine that with a son with autism and lets face it youre hardley going to be top of peoples fun times list...........

[Mandapanda]

Hi Paula

 

I know what you're saying. I have been through the same thing but I believe it's the stress of living with my son, and partly depression. When you have such a stressful life of course you want life to be as simple and manageable as possible, but probably not for the same reasons he does.