I would like advice and thoughts please re my Son

[AnnD]

Hi there,

I have just joined this forum and would like other s thoughts or advice regarding my 23 yr old son.

I and other family members have all had similar thoughts about my son, and think he shows signs of possible aspergers.

 

From a young age he has always been in the higher intelligence bracket, this was originally picked up in porimary school and he was put forward for special extra activities. As the school years went by, he became 'over confident' with his abilities and gave up trying.

As he approached later teens, he hardly had friends or any constant friends and never seemed to really connect with anyone to any degree.

He started work, and although he was always dedicated to his job, found it hard to keep to the time requirements of whatever job he did.

Always late or almost late because of never leaving himself time to get there etc.

He always leaves things to the last minute and never prepares for anything in advance and it never really seemed to sink in the reality of such time requirements.

His father and I split up many years ago when he was about 3 yrs old. He had contact with his dad regularly, went on holidays with his siblings to visit him abroad etc. but since he has grown older and his dad has returned to the uk, he can't see the necessity of getting in touch with him or understanding other peoples anguish at his not doing so.

He lost his last job a couple of years ago, and although supposedly looking for work. seemed to absorb himself into playing games online, the same game, day in, day out. never wanting or needing a life of his own. Reclusing himself to his room. He had no real life friends or any social life and didnt seem to want any.

Three months ago, he moved to Germany to be a houseguest of an online friend, he prepared himself reasonably well for that , well sufficiently for him to move to Germany. He, despite suggestions to contact his dad and siblings just to say 'goodbye' before he left, just couldn't understand why he would need to, and subsequently after being out in Germany spent a long time chatting to me online trying to understand WHY they were upset at his not having contacted them prior to his departure.

I tried for so long to explain that people have feelings and worry, but he just did NOT understand even though he said he was trying to understand.

Looking back over his childhood, there seem to be so many things which seem to fall into line with possible aspergers syndrome.

I just don't know where to go from here or know how to help or get through to him to understand or to interact in a normal manner with those around him.

There is so much more to his story, but I just need some advice please.

 

Ann

[Sally44]

If you google the DSM IV Criteria for Aspergers that will give you the areas of difficulty a person has to have for them to receive a diagnosis, and he does fit those areas of difficulty ie. problems with social communication/interaction, problems with imagination and being inflexible, repetitive behaviours.

 

He may also have executive functions problems, which are often there alongside any autistic spectrum disorder. I'll find a link to something I found helpful in explaining executive functions.

 

But being on the autistic spectrum means that these difficulties are lifelong disorders. So he won't understand and automatically pick up these skills. Often it takes years of 1:1 and group therapy [whilst in school], for the child to learn some of these expected behaviours, and even then it will be a 'taught' skill, rather than an automatic one.

 

I would be quite concerned about him moving to Germany and he is so vulnerable. Is he going to stay there for any length of time. How will he fund himself there. And who is the person he has met via his computer in Germany?

[Sally44]

This link has some quite good descriptions for Aspergers and Executive function disorder.

 

http://www.schoolbehavior.com/disorders/

[AnnD]

Thank you for the link and advice, I will certainly look further into those presently.

Obviously his moving to Germany has been of concern to me, although he appears to be coping well with the experience.

He has been out there for three months now living as a 'house-mate' to his friend whom he has known 'online' for almost five years.

Apparently the guy also has aspergers but holds down a highly paid job out there.

I do have all the relevant addresses/phone numbers and contact for my son while he is there.

He is 'earning his keep' whilst there by cooking/cleaning and being a trusted friend' to the guy and is being 'paid' to do so.

 

I did meet his friend breifly when he came over to the UK to pick my son up and appeared to bea decent person. although I do realise that little can be determined from a short meeting.

If it were necessary to bring him home quickly, I do have contingency plans in place both from the UK and with family who also live in Germany .

Edited October 10, 2012 by AnnD

[Sally44]

I suppose it could almost be an ideal situation if they get on and don't have emotional outbursts at eachother.

 

Two aspergers adults together. One able to work and pay for the 'social' and 'housekeeping' duties the other performs. Although it is an employer/employee relationship it clearly seems to be working for them.

 

Can you check that this other person does what he says he does ie. phone him at work?

 

Home the link gives you some answers. But what can you do with an independent adult living in Germany?

 

I think family and friends need to understand that he isn't being rude or unfeeling to them. He just does not get it. So they mustn't take it personally. Maybe you could all agree on a family 'rule' where he has to contact each immediate member of the family at least once a month? Even if that is just an email or phone call.

[AnnD]

Fortunately he did initiate gathering family phone numbers for 'future use' although I am sceptical of his actually following through and actually doing it.

Maybe it was a form of 'security' feeling for him to have them, I don't know.

I have tried and will continue to keep in touch with him, though I have to do the initiating of any contact as he forgets or time passes without his realising it, typical boy.

I believe the experience of actually going to Germany has done him good as he also takes pride in his culinary and shopping experiences and bargain hunting in the process.

I will research further and will keep as close a watch on his progress as is possible, there is little more I can do from here.

 

If the opportunity for me to speak to his father arises to discuss the matter, I will do so though I am not in regular contact with him.

[Lyndalou]

Hi Ann

 

To me, it sounds like your son is striking out on his own, seeing a bit of the world, living with a friend and learning all sorts of skills which will suit him well in later life.

 

At the age of 19 to 20, I had the opportunity to live abroad for a year ( I ended up living there for 10 months) and in a sense, I lived in a bit of a 'sheltered' environment, much like the situation your son is in now. I lived in 'halls' on a University campus where all my meals were provided and the only thing I had to do was tidy was my room, At the time, this suited me well because I couldn't cook and I had a lot of difficulty structuring my time, so much so that I routinely only ever ate one meal - breakfast, consisting of grape nuts and a poppy seed muffin per day - because I was too 'busy' to eat. However, I would work on projects through the night and jogged, swam, played raquetball and went to the gym .

 

I became very independent that year. I did things that I've never had the opportunity to do again and was exposed to many different people with totally different views on life to me.

 

I was (unlike your son maybe), quite homesick much of the time but my parents tended to instigate contact. It never crossed my mind to contact anyone else from college back home or from church - I was there and they were here so I didn't see the point and often at that point in my life people were categorised into different categories in my mind.

 

I know it must be upsetting for you that your son does not see the need to say 'Goodbye' or maintain contact but it may well be something which will develop over time but I would say that that does not mean that you don't say to him that it is the 'done thing' to do those things. How else will he know? Even if he doesn't see the need for it now he may well do given time....or maybe not. This is 'his' way of doing things and maybe it's something that just needs to be accepted by the family.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but he's a grown man, doing his own thing. It think it's sensible to have a 'contingency plan' if you believe him to be vulnerable but otherwise I would let him make his own choices and his own mistakes.

 

Good Luck

 

Lynda

Edited October 10, 2012 by Lyndalou

[AnnD]

Hi there Lynda

 

Thank you for your response. I don't feel your response is harsh at all and I thank you for it.

I am more than happy for my son to be branching out on his own, it I feel will do him good, and has broken the previous rut he was in whilst living here, out of work, having lost all pride in himself and possibly depression too. The benefits certainly outweigh any fears I had of his going.

Yes, he is a grown man, and this venture to Germany will certainly give him far more than he would have gained had he not gone and I fully support him in it.

In the end, he knows I am here if help is needed.

 

Ann

[justine1]

Hi

Wow your son sounds so much like my eldest Josh,he will be 12 in a few weeks. He does not have Aspergers/ASD(my middle two sons' do) he is gifted though and like your son was put on various talented and gifted scheme,including Children's university. I do worry as teachers always say how lovely he is and how excellent his work is and I feel he may start to relax now he is in secondary school. They also don't realise how disrespectful/backchatty he can be,he is extremely spoilt. Like your son he also leaves things until the last minute,like with food tech he will tell me at 8pm the night before what ingredients he needs to bring in and I have to go out at 9/10pm to get everything. It is very frustrating. Actually in many ways that reinforces the idea that my son does not have ASD as my others two with ASD plan well in advance(sometimes to much so!)

 

I do agree with Lynda sometimes when a person goes abroad they grow/mature far more than if they stayed in their home country. Being at home with you or even in the same town means he can easily rely on you when he needs to but its much harder when abroad,there is also the need to succeed not come home a failure. I know this from experience,my eldest brother came to the UK in 1999 age 18,he was very immature but he survived living in shared accomadation getting his own job etc.He is now married with two kids,owns his own home and does well for himself. I followed him here when I was 19 and although I was not as immature as him I do find I rely much less on my mum and anyone else since I been here(10 years now!)

[Sa Skimrande]

I am going to answer this by highlighting my own similarities bearing in mind I got diagnosed at age 42 with mild aspergers, mild because I had over the years worked out my own coping strategies as I had to, I had no knowledge of this and no one was helping.

 

Hi there,

I have just joined this forum and would like other s thoughts or advice regarding my 23 yr old son.

I and other family members have all had similar thoughts about my son, and think he shows signs of possible aspergers.

 

From a young age he has always been in the higher intelligence bracket, this was originally picked up in porimary school and he was put forward for special extra activities. As the school years went by, he became 'over confident' with his abilities and gave up trying.

Yep that was me too my school reports were always; highly intelligent and gifted, but doesn't try or lazy or daydreamer all the way through school where only one teacher back in the late seventies suggested autism but it was never followed up. And yes over confidence I can admit to that as I have been there on that, whereas now I am the complete reverse.

As he approached later teens, he hardly had friends or any constant friends and never seemed to really connect with anyone to any degree.

 

I lost my friends in my late teens they pursuing other interests I had no interest in and could not understand why and from then on I started on my lifelong loner mentality, although I was also this around age 5 to 8 so my dad put me in the cubs, because in his words I was not connecting with people my own age and seemed happier being on my own.

He started work, and although he was always dedicated to his job, found it hard to keep to the time requirements of whatever job he did.

Always late or almost late because of never leaving himself time to get there etc.

He always leaves things to the last minute and never prepares for anything in advance and it never really seemed to sink in the reality of such time requirements.

Yep, yep and yep time keeping was always a problem for me I also left at the last minute and did everything at the last minute, I was still bad at time keeping in the military and I was constantly on Jankers because of it, but I just didn't get it, eventually my C/O gave up he needed me in the bay as I was the only one on the squadron with certain skills no one else had, for I was very good at my job, I could fault find complex avionic systems in minutes compared to hours others took and I had the finest skill with a soldering iron I always got the tricky jobs where I thrived, my C/O said he will turn a blind eye to my issues as I was needed, but until I could sort it out I was stuffed regards promotion. I never sorted it out and I am still the same.

 

His father and I split up many years ago when he was about 3 yrs old. He had contact with his dad regularly, went on holidays with his siblings to visit him abroad etc. but since he has grown older and his dad has returned to the uk, he can't see the necessity of getting in touch with him or understanding other peoples anguish at his not doing so.

 

Yep I usually get my ear chewed off on a regular basis for not staying in contact with family, where it is with me I don't see the need to be in contact as when I do make the effort I haven't got a clue what to talk about.

 

He lost his last job a couple of years ago, and although supposedly looking for work. seemed to absorb himself into playing games online, the same game, day in, day out. never wanting or needing a life of his own. Reclusing himself to his room. He had no real life friends or any social life and didnt seem to want any.

 

Yes, that is very common with myself also and I go through phases of it on a regular basis, but last year my neighbours though I had gone away not realising I had stayed in for five weeks eating my way through my cupboards until I was forced out to go and get food after a few days of not eating through nothing left at all and I mean nothing. Plasterboard walls between the flats and no tv, I live in silence as noise really bothers me sometimes.

 

Three months ago, he moved to Germany to be a houseguest of an online friend, he prepared himself reasonably well for that , well sufficiently for him to move to Germany. He, despite suggestions to contact his dad and siblings just to say 'goodbye' before he left, just couldn't understand why he would need to, and subsequently after being out in Germany spent a long time chatting to me online trying to understand WHY they were upset at his not having contacted them prior to his departure.

I tried for so long to explain that people have feelings and worry, but he just did NOT understand even though he said he was trying to understand.

Looking back over his childhood, there seem to be so many things which seem to fall into line with possible aspergers syndrome.

I just don't know where to go from here or know how to help or get through to him to understand or to interact in a normal manner with those around him.

There is so much more to his story, but I just need some advice please.

 

Ann

 

Well I hope I have relayed the similarities with myself because I do recognise a lot of what you say and it is why I answered as I did, as yeah quite possibly he is but where to go from here is the question as when I first heard of it from my ex wife I was suspicious she was trying to pin something on me to control me and I would have none of it as I had as far as I was concerned functioned well enough up to that point there was nothing wrong with me and to say the accusations of having aspergers was contributory to the marriage break up she was driving me nuts with it to the point I was questioning my every move and starting to lose it somewhat. I suspect your son might think the same because as far he is concerned he is happy in his own little world as I have been numerous times before someone pulled me up on it the way I have become, because now knowing I have this, I am thankful for those that can see what I can't see because i can't see it, but I do degrade quite regularly. If I have not been seen for a while friends come around and are persistent in getting me to answer the door.

 

Given what I have said, if you can get your son assessed somehow he might wake up a bit, but he abroad that's hard, and he is over eighteen so there will be precious little help from services in this country, but here's an idea, he's into computers and online games, send him the geek test ;

 

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

 

And the preceding story ;

 

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aspergers.html

 

The idea being if he finds out for himself he might be a bit more receptive to your concerns.

[JeanneA]

Wow your son Ann sounds so much like my eldest son Luke who is 27. He isn't diagnosed with anything either but I have felt for sometime now that he could be aspergers. With what you described about your son much of that applies to mine also. Luke himself has discussed with me not so long ago that he feels he is 'different' to the norm if I can put it that way, but doesn't seem to want to pursue it, i.e. ask for any professional advice. So it's difficult to know what to do to help him other than being there for him letting him know he can always confide/discuss anything with me.

[karmadestiny]

I suppose it could almost be an ideal situation if they get on and don't have emotional outbursts at eachother.

 

Two aspergers adults together. One able to work and pay for the 'social' and 'housekeeping' duties the other performs. Although it is an employer/employee relationship it clearly seems to be working for them.

 

Can you check that this other person does what he says he does ie. phone him at work?

 

Home the link gives you some answers. But what can you do with an independent adult living in Germany?

 

I think family and friends need to understand that he isn't being rude or unfeeling to them. He just does not get it. So they mustn't take it personally. Maybe you could all agree on a family 'rule' where he has to contact each immediate member of the family at least once a month? Even if that is just an email or phone call.

 

Great advice:)!