Advice needed please

[ziggy]

I've been with my parther for 2 years (she is 40) and we have been living together for just over a year.

 

When we first started dating everything seemed normal as you would expect with any new relationship, but it soon became apparent to me that aspects of her behaviour were a little unusual. As time has gone on her behaviour has become more challenging. There was a part of me that thought that, maybe, something wasn't right but then I would just write it off as personalities and hope that things would get better.

 

Sometimes we are fine but there seems to be a cycle in which she will fall out over the simpliest things (she refused to speak to me for a week once for not eating a bowl of rice pudding!). If I try to talk about our relationship she accuses me of being over emotional and can be very cold. In social gatherings she says inappropriate things that shock me (and other people) but we just laugh if off. With her old friends she built a reputation as being "the mad one" but I wonder whether this we because of her irrational communication skills.

 

She also say things about my son that (I would feel) she should know I would find hurtful but she seems completely oblivious to the hurt she causes and gets extremely defensive if I challenge her.

 

We have had a couple of major fall-outs (almost to break up point) but I've always tried to convince myself that things will get better but not a day goes by when she doesn't say or do something that make me question whether I should stay with her.

 

Anyway, the other day we were watching a documentry on television about a teenage boy with Aspergers and it took my breath away, like an epithany. All the symptoms were there, an inability to show emotion, irrational behaviour, high IQ, obsessive behaviour, manic highs and deep lows, starring into space as in some kind of day dream, often mumbling and irratic and constantly tapping her foot when watching tv, restlessness (I've known her start cleaning the house at 1 o'clock in the morning then get angy with me for not helping), extremely contradictory (whatever I say she will ALWAYS take the opposite view). I though there is a chance she has a Aspergers. It all made sense. I know she struggled with school and her parents when she was young and, as she put it, went off the rails. Her son's (he is 5) teacher told her recently that she thought he may have ADSD so there could be a genetic line. I know her mother has a history of mental problems as well.

 

The realisation that she may have Aspergers at first came as a relief because there suddenly seemed a reason behind her behaviour (she wasn't doing it on purpose). These thoughts were soon replaced with a sadness for her and a feeling that I would want to help her in some way. I want to discuss this with her but I know that she will go absolutely mad if I do. When her teacher suggested that her son may have ADSD she went ballistic and said she will never accept it as it will be a stigma that will stay with him all his life so I genuinely don't think she will accept that she has the condition.

 

I do love her but feel that this is something that I have to discuss with her. I worry that she may react so badly that she may never get over it and, ultimately, it may lead to our breakup. How have other partners broached the subject from cold?

 

How best could I discuss this with her? I want her to know that I understand and maybe we can work together to put things in place that will help the situation. It's such a sensitive issue any advice would be gratfully received.

 

I'd like to know more about Aspergers. Do people accept that they have Aspergers or do they think they are "normal". If they can accept that they have the condition then can they work on improving their behaviour pattern (I know there is no 'cure')? If somebody with Aspergers believes that what they do is normal then how can you convince them that they have the condition?

 

Also, I'd like to know if there are any support groups for men whose partners have Aspergers? I live near Nottingham and would love to share things with other men (or women) in my position. It can feel lonely and isolating being in such a relationship and I feel that being able to talk with people who are going through the same things as I am would really help.

 

Thanks for reading

[justine1]

Hi and welcome to the group.

 

Sorry I may not be that muc help as I am not in the same position. However just a few comments about your post....whether your partner has aspergers or not it is never an excuse to be constantly hurtful to other people. If you have reached the point where you have almost broken up why do you think a diagnosis may help this? It will not change who she is as a person,she will remain the same post diagnosis as she was pre-diagnosis, and you should not accept bad behaviour just because she has got aspergers.

 

I have two boys with ASD,when I went to assessment for my 9yr old(then 6) the paediatrician asked about his history including family details. When he described his father the paediatrician said by the sounds of his controlling and manipulative behaviour he to may have ASD. I had already left him 2 yrs prior to this,although there was the option for us to reconcile I could not see the point in it. I left because of his very hostile/abusive behaviour and even if he was to accept a diagnosis(which would never happen anyway) it would never change that behaviour,after all he clearly did not want to change.

 

So my opinion is you need to evaluate wether the relationship will work regardless of the possible ASD,if not then there would be no need to suggest it unless as just a friendly opinion.

[smileyK]

i can relate to what of what you have put in your post about your partner the struggles/difficulties she has daily life etc the highs and deep lows in her moods managing them keep them balanced/stable i never feel in middle with my moods always one end or the other you try convince and in denial stage that nothing is wrong and that you are "normal" like everyone else i don't think you can turn her around she may just have to come to terms and accept this on her own terms and conditions which maybe hard and difficult after all these years of wondering and not knowing what's 'wrong'

 

she may want to push all thoughts away along with her denial she may begin to start to come round to the concept of what you trying to do and say is in her best interests and because you care about her! she may go through several different stages before she accepts she may not even come round to accepting at all just a chance/gamble you had to take by pointing it out making it clear and telling her.

 

i think you have done right and positive thing by pointing it out to her as seems like lot of past experiences add up and difficulties she had experienced also it is normal process rejecting ideas/thoughts of others of could be something there worth adding up make it become clearer in focus and adds up to a bigger picture that been lurking in background for years it maybe hard for her to hear and shocked taken aback by what you have put to her! may take time to sink and adjust in

 

just don't rush her as she maybe surprised .... and alot get her head around in one go....

 

just reassure her as she maybe worried scared anxious even that you will be there to support and comfort her if she does need it!

 

XKLX

[smileyK]

i think she may have many feelings /emotions surrounding the situation which may complicate the situation further she may get defensive or even angry at suggestion made!

[trekster]

I've been with my partner for 2 years (she is 40) and we have been living together for just over a year.

 

When we first started dating everything seemed normal as you would expect with any new relationship, but it soon became apparent to me that aspects of her behaviour were a little unusual. As time has gone on her behaviour has become more challenging. There was a part of me that thought that, maybe, something wasn't right but then I would just write it off as personalities and hope that things would get better.

 

****TBH theres no such thing as normal. I can understand you thinking at 1st you could adapt and was wondering which literature about autism/aspergers have you read? 1 particular book is called 'aspergirls'. Although she is a woman rather than a girl it wouldn't hurt to try some of the tips at the back.

 

Sometimes we are fine but there seems to be a cycle in which she will fall out over the simpliest things (she refused to speak to me for a week once for not eating a bowl of rice pudding!).

 

***Im guessing there is more to it than a bowl of rice pudding. What were you discussing at the time? Something to do with emotions? Something in which a hobby or routine of hers (non hurtful to yourself or her) had to be broken? Problem is they're unlikely to be simple to her. What lead up to the rice pudding incident?

 

If I try to talk about our relationship she accuses me of being over emotional and can be very cold. In social gatherings she says inappropriate things that shock me (and other people) but we just laugh if off. With her old friends she built a reputation as being "the mad one" but I wonder whether this was because of her irrational communication skills.

 

***Yep emotions are very overloading for many autistics/Aspergers. She probably is unaware of how her behaviour may seem to others. She might think her behaviour is causing you to laugh and so continue with it due to your reaction. This can result in her being shocked and surprised maybe even angry when she discovers the opposite is true.

 

She also say things about my son that (I would feel) she should know I would find hurtful but she seems completely oblivious to the hurt she causes and gets extremely defensive if I challenge her.

 

***How do you challenge her? eg if she said your son was fat would you respond as though she was a naughty child. My mum tells me 'not to be mean to her' no matter how I put that she has upset or hurt me.

 

We have had a couple of major fall-outs (almost to break up point) but I've always tried to convince myself that things will get better but not a day goes by when she doesn't say or do something that make me question whether I should stay with her.

 

***How does she describe you to her friends? It does sound like you both need help, Relate if she will go has some experience of autistics.

 

Anyway, the other day we were watching a documentary on television about a teenage boy with Aspergers and it took my breath away, like an epithany. All the symptoms were there, an inability to show emotion,

 

***Which documentary did you see? I would like to see the documentary that claims autistic/Asperger folk are unable to show emotion. In fact a New Scientist magazine article 'Aspergers theory does an about face' is likely to shed some light on this subject. Feels others emotions too intensely to cope.

 

irrational behaviour,

 

***I dont trust this sort of documentary, especially if it is claiming were unable to show emotion and show irrational behaviour. Besides to the 2 are unable to go hand in hand. In order to be irrational you have to show emotion.

 

high IQ, obsessive behaviour,

 

***Average to high IQ but this disguises their disabilities. Being highly articulate can get you mistaken as being NT rather than disabled hence the frequent misunderstandings on both parts.

 

manic highs and deep lows,

 

***Confusion and depression meltdowns but also a possibility of co occurring bi polar disorder.

 

starring into space as in some kind of day dream,

 

***Thats a shutdown normally caused by overload or being absorbed in thought hard to tell which one.

 

often mumbling and irratic and constantly tapping her foot when watching tv,

 

***Probably scared shes going to upset you regarding the mumbling. 'Irratic' hard to work out how or why. Sounds like she has a lot of energy probably caused by her difficulties with sleeping as indicated below. Also that she's become depressed due to a lack of an appropriate diagnosis (unless she is diagnosed but doesn't wish to accept it). What was her reaction to the documentary?

 

restlessness (I've known her start cleaning the house at 1 o'clock in the morning then get angry with me for not helping),

 

***Depression seems to have set in and anxiety but hard to know what can help her. I've kept relatives up until the early hours of the morning but considering my list of disabilities that is expected.

 

extremely contradictory (whatever I say she will ALWAYS take the opposite view).

 

***Is that in regards to social conventions and emotions only? Some example of conversations you've had could help.

 

I thought there is a chance she has Aspergers. It all made sense. I know she struggled with school and her parents when she was young and, as she put it, went off the rails.

 

***Sounds like she hasn't managed to get back on the rails a very confused and upset person. Were her parents displaying the behaviours that she is towards yourself? She may be projecting those behaviours onto you without realising.

 

Her son's (he is 5) teacher told her recently that she thought he may have ASD so there could be a genetic line. I know her mother has a history of mental health problems as well.

 

***She's a parent as well? How is she towards her son? How is her son towards yourself?

 

The realisation that she may have Aspergers at first came as a relief because there suddenly seemed a reason behind her behaviour (she wasn't doing it on purpose). These thoughts were soon replaced with a sadness for her and a feeling that I would want to help her in some way. I want to discuss this with her but I know that she will go absolutely mad if I do. When her teacher suggested that her son may have ASD she went ballistic and said she will never accept it as it will be a stigma that will stay with him all his life so I genuinely don't think she will accept that she has the condition.

 

***Is there a way of talking about her ASD without mentioning ASD? eg non violent communication or something similar? Sounds like she is scared about ASD and is in complete denial this wont help either of you or her son. However if you are spending quite a large proportion of your time, effort and worry about her that could qualify you as a carer. Parents groups tend to be carers groups as well. You might wish to try a generic one or carers group for parents/carers of autistics. The good news is I've heard good things about the Nottingham office and 1 recently diagnosed friend of mine found their support post diagnosis to be invaluable.

 

I do love her but feel that this is something that I have to discuss with her. I worry that she may react so badly that she may never get over it and, ultimately, it may lead to our breakup. How have other partners broached the subject from cold?

 

How best could I discuss this with her? I want her to know that I understand and maybe we can work together to put things in place that will help the situation. It's such a sensitive issue any advice would be gratefully received.

 

***I've been with an undiagnosed autistic before after 3 years I decided to end it because he kept lying to me and also wouldn't accept the possibility that he could be autistic (was also physically pushy). Neither would his parents including his mum who ironically was a support assistant for an asperger pupil.

 

I'd like to know more about Aspergers. Do people accept that they have Aspergers or do they think they are "normal". If they can accept that they have the condition then can they work on improving their behaviour pattern (I know there is no 'cure')? If somebody with Aspergers believes that what they do is normal then how can you convince them that they have the condition?

 

Also, I'd like to know if there are any support groups for men whose partners have Aspergers? I live near Nottingham and would love to share things with other men (or women) in my position. It can feel lonely and isolating being in such a relationship and I feel that being able to talk with people who are going through the same things as I am would really help.

 

Thanks for reading

[justine1]

Just to point out Trekster with regards to the partner making remarks about the OP's son...I don't think you can compare that to you and your mum,you are both adults whereas in this case it is a child(regardless of the age) which in my opinion is wrong wether you have ASD or not its wrong to say horrible things about your partners child,even if its in an argument why bring the child into it?

 

Again on the issue of children if the OP's relationship has been at breaking point and is volatile it may not be a good environment for a 5 yr old to be in.

[Mike_GX101]

The trouble is the longer someone has gone without being diagnosed the less likely they are to reciprocate to any kind of suggestion from another that they may be on the spectrum. They have learned to accept who they are and may well be very set in their ways. Any act of 'kindness' in suggesting they're on the spectrum may well be very taxing on the relationship you have with such a person.

 

Some stones are better left unturned. The only suggestable thing I can think of right now is rather than suggesting it yourself Ziggy (and risk damaging the relationship) is to suggest that things are not going as well as they should be and suggest you both see a relationships counsellor. Leave the identifying to the professional who may well see in your partner what you've described but at least they have nothing to lose in shedding light on your partner's possible problem. But then you still have to suggest seeing a relationships counsellor which could in itself leave you in difficult territory so tread with care!