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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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Paula

Son 21 ..... am i actually enableing the behaviour ?

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Paula   

Hi

 

Its been a long time since i last posted on here and i cant beleive my son is 21,i think i started posting way back when he was around 10 and hed got bowel issues....it seems such a long time ago now.

 

Anyway hes 21 so hes all grown up.he still lives at home with me and his dad ,his sister actually got married last year in may so its just us threee now in the home.In some ways its better because his sister like all sisters knew exactley how to push his aspie buttons and wind him up.

 

He left school at 16 and did a few courses and took part in numerous schemes,Hes unemployed and claimes benefits.Thats the rough background.

 

I just wondered how otheres especialy mums who maybe like me have been the maine carer since birth start to step away and leave them to it instead of always feeling you have to help or sort things out.Dont get me wrong i dont meen leave them to rot of course i oversee things make sure hes safe ok not in any danger ect its other things.My son is over 6ft tall and weighs 14 stone hes a big man im a 9 stone woman who he towers above.He can be ver abusive and unkind he shouts a lot when things dont go his way he rants and raves and makes no sence.Just this weekend i was in tears after one of his outburst i just walked out of the house to get away from him with my husband and dog.I was so upset.I thought ive done everything for you over the years made all the sacrafices to make youre life as good as it can be and for what to be verbally abused and treat like sh~~~t .

 

I ended up looking at myself takeing a close look,do i make excuses for him all the time always saying well hes got aspergers blar blar he cant help it he doesnt know what hes doing,Thing is maybe he does maybe he can be just a nasty piece of work who doesnt give a monkeys.He isnt capable of liveing alone ,he can warm food in a microwave ,make cups of tea ect but he wouldnt be able to run his own home.Hes also bone idle and lazy,most days he refuses to get dressed,hes an aversion to bathing and as for teeth brushing he thinks thats not something he needs to ever bother about.I just get so fed up at trying to motivate him to shift his backside,to get dressed to do something other than sit on his backside.Hes not grossley overweight as he is a tall lad,but he does carry too much weight round his stomach and needs to loose around half a stone to sort his belly out but he wont listen to me and when he does leave the home he buys rubbish in the form of crisps and pop and eats the lot in one hit.

 

Im no longer dealing with a child,hes a full grown man who has the right i guess to do what the heck he wants.But somethings got to change.Hes in utter denial over aspects of his behaviour,his weight,his food intake,his lack of hygene.Should i be cruel to be kind and get tough with him,not easy when hes my son or leave him to it.

 

Anyone whos dealing with an awqward adult aspie any experiances ,advice on anything as to how you made the transistion from delaing with a child to an adult would be welcome.daft thing is it was easy with my daughter as she grew up and got married .Im just stuck in the mum ,child carry on with my son maybe due to the fact ive been a carer for so so long.

 

Sorry for long rambling post.

 

Paula

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JeanneA   

Hi Paula, so sorry to hear what you are going through, I'm going through similar although my son Glen who is nearly 21 lives in a care home and has been there for about 20 months. He has taken to staying in his room, laying in his bed, won't get dressed, won't go out. He is mostly non-verbal, he can speak but choses not to. Glen is on the severe end of the autistic spectrum and has mental health and challenging behaviour. I'm concerned that the home isn't motivating him, but he is calmer when left alone, which is why they aren't putting any demands on him, I do have issues with this however. When Glen lived at home with me I would always try to motivate him, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

 

It's hard to offer any advice to be honest, as you are trying to motivate your son but as you say mostly this doesn't work. Is he aggressive or destructive at all? My son is although he has been better recently with the odd incident. I presume your son is verbal? if so at least you can speak to him and ask him what's wrong, or perhaps ask him what would he like to do. Perhaps you could get him to help you in some way in the house or garden, does he show interest in either? Other than that I really don't know what else say other than I can relate to you even though I am not my son's full time carer anymore. Another thing does he attend anything during the day?

 

Thinking of you and hope things do improve sooner rather than later. x Please email me anytime.

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Paula   

thanks for youre reply to be honest i just wanted to get things of my chest in a place where folks "get it" so the fact that you cant offer any difinitive advice doesnt matter just knowing someone knows what you mean helps a lot.Sometimes you feel so isolated.What gets to me is when peole say things like............oh isnt he comeing on isnt he a grand lad..............and i think yes he looks "normal" he can seem the model citezen in the outside world but behind closed doors dont you dare rattle his cage unless youre prepared for an aspie rant..........

 

Yes he is verbal,he can read and wright,he can tell the time,he knows the money system he has a bus pass and travles to his local town which he knows well independantley.he attends a social group once a week and takes part in a disability sports thing also.At the beginning of the year he was involved in a supported volunteering project and helped out in a food bank with support,alas the support only lasted a month and after that was withdrawn it fell apart,he couldnt stay on task,arrived too ealry basically got on everyones nerves.

 

I guess hes stuck in a rut,hed like to work but the reality is hes found it hard if not impossible to get work and even volunteering goes wrong and he cant cope........I dont work,id like to have a small job but ive lost me confidence due to being a stay home mother all my now adult childrens life.

 

I guess it could be worse.

 

Thanks for listening.

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JeanneA   

Hi Paula I think it makes you feel better when you write things down on forums like these, that's what I've always felt. It's nice to know you are not alone and that myself and I'm sure a lot of other parents can relate and know what you are going through very well. x

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soraya   

Hi Paula, you could be talking about my son!! My suituation is exactly the same, my son is also 21, unemployed and stays in his room most of the day. If we challenge his behaviour he gets abusive and angry. I also don't know what to do anymore, since he was 10, I have been saying it will be ok when he is through puberty, then when school finishes, the when college is over, before we know it he is 21 !! And things are still the same. It is so difficult when they are large adults, my son is also overweight, and is bigger than me!! I was also in tears last weekend , so you are not alone, we just have to stay strong!!

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oxgirl   

Hi, yes, another one here. My lad is also 21 and I am the driving force behind everything he does still. It is exhausting, I know, and also frustrating because when they are adults it isn't so easy to just take them places. I sometimes wonder myself if I am making him feel not capable by doing everything for him or finding agencies to help him do things, but I know the reality is he wouldn't do anything if I didn't initiate it for him so I have to keep going. I also don't have an answer. Sometimes people say 'something will come along', but I get so annoyed at that, it's so glib. Where do they think these things will 'come from'?, out of thin air, HOW do you make something happen and change? We are also stuck in a rut, unsure how to move on from here and there is not much help out there either.

 

(*group hug*)

 

~ Mel ~

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Paula   

Im glad im not alone in this but wish i was if that makes sence.

 

Yes when there small adulthood and 21 seems a million miles away and you think things will be different and itll all just fall into place or that adult services will suddenly kick in........then you realise that adult services are thin if not none existant on the ground especialy where i live,services are been cut left right and centre.His weekly social group is on the verge of being cancelled due to lack of funding and not being deemed imortant ,but for us and my son is a lifeline i as well as him look forward to that one day a week when we get to do something that doesnt involve being with each other.Its bliss even our dog seems to sigh a big thankgod when hes hotfooted it away for the day................

 

Im not ashamed to admit ive spent a good many years struggling with depression on and of,im not blameing my son for this but its not helped.Im also getting to that age in my late forties where me hormones are allover the shop and im haveing my own problems so dealing with him at times is getting harder and im just so bloomeing tired of it all.

 

Im well past the stage of why us why him,spent too many years thinking that and it gets you no where but i still wish miricles happend because id remove the autism tommorrow and have him "normal" so that his life could be easier and more rounded.

 

I have changed some of my ways,i used to bang on and on at him to shave his face because he looked a right scruffy mess but now i think sod you youre 21 a grown man and if you dont want to shave im not going to stress myself out over it,the same with his lack of bathing i just think forget it it just makies my stress levels go up and up trying to force him to do something he refuses to do unless he actually wants to do it.

 

It sounds like its all bad...........its not.

 

He has his good points,hes not into fashion so doesnt want all the latest expensive gear,saves us a fortune,he doesnt use much water because he isnt in a shower everyday,he doesnt demand things material things like most young people do and despite the myths surrounding aspies he does have a sence of humour and can make me laugh at times and when i look across at him i feel a rush of pried and love at the fact hes my son and i can see the innocent child that lives in this adult mans body.

 

Maybe 2015 will be a turning point,i hope so.

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Laddo   

Do you know if your son is depressed at all Paula?

 

As an adult with AS and suffering from depression who is in the same age group as your son, I can kind of relate to how he is behaving. Since reaching adulthood I have lost nearly all the motivation I had as a teenager. I've got to the point where I rarely feel like leaving my room too, although not quite to the extent of your son. A lot of people with Asperger's really do genuinely struggle with what seems totally normal for an NT. It's just the nature of the condition, I'm afraid. Chances are he's not being lazy, he's just very depressed and chronically unmotivated. After all, society has little to offer us when it so constantly rejects us. I'm currently looking for work but every time I find a job I think I could maybe do I get knocked by the person specifications - jobs these days are not aimed at introverts. 'Bubbly', 'confident', 'outgoing' etc., all words used to describe the kind of people employers want for employees. It's like rubbing salt into the wounds of those who do not fit into these categories and may make aspies feel weak, worthless, unwanted, not useful etc.

 

Early 20s is a horrible period for a lot of aspies I think. It's the time when the world expects us to get up and 'do our part', despite there being so many obstacles in our way

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JeanneA   

It's very interesting to hear that the early 20's is a difficult time that would make a lot of sense then, I had hoped though by this sort of age that things would be better but obviously I'm wrong.

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