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Hail_x

Aspergers & Relationships

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Hail_x   

Just joined this forum and this is my first post so apologies if it's in the wrong topic discussion.

 

My bf (and I use the term lightly as he doesn't like labels) has Aspergers at least we suspect he does (or a form of it). Just wondered if there were others here in the same situation and how you cope with a relationship? just wanted opinions and advice. He randomly goes off the radar and will go a month with no contact but for no real reason, then he'll get drunk and pluck up the courage to see at silly o'clock claiming he was too shy to talk to me, all the while he's missed me. He can never explain his actions, and before anyone says it, he's not off with other women, he's at home usually in his room (he's 30 and lives with parents).

I used to go mad at him but we'd just end up breaking up as he thought it was the best thing for me to not have to deal with 'the way he is' but then months later he'd be back and neither of us had moved on or got over each other. This has been going on 5 years +

 

Is this a common trait or is it just him and nothing to do with him possibly having Aspergers? Thanks

Edited by trekster

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trekster   

Difficulty with social communication can include how to start a conversation or maintain social contact. Some aspergers folk find socialising tiring and overloading so have to limit social contact with others even people they know. He could be hiding in his room at home. Also others emotions can cause difficulties for asperger folk. There is a book 'aspergers and alcohol' and a few books about social relationships but avoid maxine ashton as she says offensive things about aspergers folk.

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Hail_x   

Ah thank you for your reply and advice! i'll have a look into the books.

 

It's hard because people think i'm just making excuses for his behaviour as to an onlooker, it just looks like he doesn't care about me or us. Funnily enough, he's very affectionate at times but I feel like it's out of sight out of mind.

 

He admits he doesn't like going on 'dates' where we will bump into people he knows as doesn't want to have to false 'small talk' even when I say just say hello. I'm trying to understand more so when we do finally have the 'talk' I don't just lay into him. He also won't tell his family about me which I find really upsetting, he claims it's due to them then asking '20 questions' when I suggest that once they've asked the questions, they'll leave him alone he doesn't seem to understand.

 

Again, wondering if all the secrecy is another part of the Asbergers?

 

The way i'm describing him almost sounds like we're having an affair and he's married!

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trekster   

Having an extreme view of ones own privacy can be an aspergers thing but it could be something else.

 

Avoiding small talk and avoiding questions are both things i struggle with due to my autism.

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I have lived with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has Asperger's. He has no contact with his family at all and does not see any reason to have any contact either. Nor does he have any friends. The only people that he speaks to are me, his colleagues and students (when absolutely necessary) and our cat. Before he met me he spoke to no one apart from at work (he is a senior lecturer at a university). He also refuses to meet my family or attend any social events at all.

I can understand some of this because when he is with me he is relaxed, funny, talkative but when around others he is very hesitant and uncertain. He can also appear very blunt and rude.

So yes, I think that they way your boyfriend behaves is consistent with Asperger's. The question is whether you can live like this?

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Hail_x   

Thank you for the replies.

 

Frances20 - I think understanding that it is due to his Aspergers helps as it's hard for me not to take it personally. Why would he suddenly stop texting or speaking to me for no real reason - obviously my mind is different to the way his is so knowing there are others who can relate to this makes me feel better, and of course, friends opinions on how one should be treated all adds to the mix.

 

I guess i'd like to know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How long were you together before your relationship progressed to living together?

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trekster   

Can you go to relate or a counsellor to discuss your difficulties and try and find an understanding between you both?

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Hail_x   

I can't get him to meet my family, let alone go to a counsellor :( and at the moment he's doing his 'retreat to cave' he's not spoken to me since mid June - this is the major problem and cause for my initial question about whether this was a aspie trait or just him being an a***

 

It's just a waiting game for me now, when he want's to talk, he'll turn up drunk and break the ice. I'm just out of ideas on how I should or shouldn't be dealing with this.

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Hail_x   

Well I finally txt him asking why the silent treatment and got the response 'need to be on my own' I think every year of our 6 years i've had this, and he then says it's not going anywhere... (even though he's the one who won't let it) so since i last saw him his feelings are gone.

 

Can I really blame this on the Aspergers or is he really that heartless. Same conversation last year when he ended with me in June then come January this year, comes crawling back and tells me he only said those things because he thought he was doing the right thing by me.

 

Very distraught at how heartless he's handled it and how he seemed to have no feelings when I tried to talk to him face to face, his repeated response was 'I don't know what to say'.

 

Anyone else experience the hot/cold in a relationship with an Aspie? and the sudden 'it's not going anywhere'?

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TomC   

I have Aspergers and find my relationship with my girlfriend very hard. Being at home in my room on the computer is where I can relax the most, I find being with my girlfriend stressful and tiresome and miss my room when I am staying at her house

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Hail_x   

thanks for your reply - sounds very familiar to how he was when with me in my flat.

 

hope you don't mind me asking but do you go cold on her for no reason? have you had periods where you split up and then regret your actions?

 

my ex always comes crawling back (be it 6 months later) but i find it strange that he can say such hurtful things about not having feelings anymore and then have the gaul to approach me again saying he's missed me and doesn't want to be alone.

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Abagley   

Does anyone know what to do. Since my diagnosis of Aspergers. My brother, mum,sister and my father's partner are struggling to know how to talk to me. Before the diagnosis they were distant more now have diagnosis. Since my mental health is worse my relationship with my mother has broken down. I have tried to discuss with her. She thinks a meal and chat will sort out my mental health. It won't she's in denial. I have tried to talk to her why I am cross with her.She is not getting it.I have left a message on her phone to say sorry for what I said to her and to say I will see her when my mental health is sorted. My friends are my family my son is great he's really understanding.

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Mihaela   

I'm so sorry to hear that. It all seems so very unfair.

 

I'd tell them you're exactly the same person as you were before your diagnosis, and there's just no reason at all that should be treating you any differently. It's not as if you've suddenly contracted a disease. Your mother should know better than to say that. It must be very upsetting for you. If they really care about you the very least they could do is respect your diagnosis and learn more about what it means. It wouldn't just help them better understand you, but it would be far better for your own mental health too. They're making it hard for you, when they should be making things easier.

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Abagley   

Thanks for that you are right. I am talking to my mum not about my mental health. My mum hasnt really accepted my diagnosis of Aspergers. I am very open and I discuss my mental health. I have a appointment on 7th January to see a Physcatrisit to see what else is happening. It doesn't help I keep having infections on the fourth lot if antibiotics. I am less depressed today and got my cleaning done.

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trekster   

I can't get him to meet my family, let alone go to a counsellor :( and at the moment he's doing his 'retreat to cave' he's not spoken to me since mid June - this is the major problem and cause for my initial question about whether this was a aspie trait or just him being an a***

 

It's just a waiting game for me now, when he want's to talk, he'll turn up drunk and break the ice. I'm just out of ideas on how I should or shouldn't be dealing with this.

I tried dating an asperger whose on the spectrum and drank a lot and it turned out with me getting hurt. He also exhibited a lot of the behaviours you're describing.

 

Do you think he would accept and go for a diagnosis?

 

Could you attend a parents/carers for adults on the spectrum group?

 

What's his parents view on this? Could you support them to get him the help he needs?

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trekster   

thanks for your reply - sounds very familiar to how he was when with me in my flat.

 

hope you don't mind me asking but do you go cold on her for no reason? have you had periods where you split up and then regret your actions?

 

my ex always comes crawling back (be it 6 months later) but i find it strange that he can say such hurtful things about not having feelings anymore and then have the gaul to approach me again saying he's missed me and doesn't want to be alone.

Give him an ultimatum "if we go to counselling together and really work on our relationship then we can date again".

 

He's confused and can't make up his mind. He doesn't realise how much he loves you until you're not there.

 

Friendships for me have fizzled out because I was unable to maintain them.

 

Have you read up on strategies to help with social isolation or the book "aspergers and alcohol drinking to cope"?

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trekster   

Thanks for that you are right. I am talking to my mum not about my mental health. My mum hasnt really accepted my diagnosis of Aspergers. I am very open and I discuss my mental health. I have a appointment on 7th January to see a Physcatrisit to see what else is happening. It doesn't help I keep having infections on the fourth lot if antibiotics. I am less depressed today and got my cleaning done.

Can you take probiotics to help with immunities? There's the books "OCD for dummies" and "breaking free from OCD" which I've found really helpful. My OCD is hoarding and spending. The spending is more under control than the hoarding.

 

The nhs choices website can help you further. Also look up "ocd +(you're local area)" to see what therapies you have avaliable. My ocd is related to my trauma which caused my cptsd.

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