Death, Ben is worried.

[Viper]

Hi.

This is a really hard subject and quite distressing for me at the mo.

 

Ben was talking yesterday and asked me what the point of life was. He said we get born live for a while and then die, what is the point of it, why can't we live forever? He then said I don't want you to die Mummy I'll miss you so much.

 

Previously he has said "Mummy when you die my new mummy will take me to school won't she. I asked him what he meant and he said I'll get a new mummy when you die. I told him it will be a very long time before I die and he will be all grown up by then. He asks all the time how long we live and when I will die. He is not even 5 yet and he is worrying about these things already, is it normal, I know my girls never asked this sort of thing and I find it quite upsetting.

 

Could this be part of his seperation anxiety disorder? It makes me so sad to think he feels these things and I worry what will happen if anything does happen to me, it breaks my heart.

 

Viper.

[Minxygal]

I remember once Mark asked who'd drive the car if one of us died. It's not easy is it?!

 

I found this website while trawling one night and saved it. I don't know if it will help but it's worth a look, there's a good few pages of advice.

 

KidsHealth Positive parenting.

 

 

<'> <'> <'>

[CarerQuie]

Rhodri has the same fears and there is no real answer.He says that he wants to live always and never die.xx

[~Jonathan~]

I've lived with death anxiety since my late teens, most night I'll wake up bathed in sweat just thinking about it, worrying that when I get off to sleep that will be it ... finito, light's out. It caused me to spend my entire 20's seacrhing out religion/spirituality, trying to find the best deals I'm now 31 and a confirmed atheist and not thinking about when my time comes though I know it's getting closer with evry minute that passes. I won't know anything so it won't matter I guess, it's just not being able to see another tree or beautiful woman, with lovely long legs - I can't handle that at all

[Viper]

Thanks for the link Minxy. Some good advice. I do answer Ben honestly but up to now he has not had any experience of death so I don't know what examples to use except to point out to him that both of my parents are still alive as are his dads I also say that me and his dad are nearly 40 and we still have our mum and dad so he should too at that age.

 

I often wonder if when he has been away from me for a few hours and he say's "mummy I was so worried about you" if he thinks I might die. It just upsets me to think he is always worrying about me, I want him to enjoy life not think about his loved ones dying all the time.

 

Viper.

[Corcaigh]

Viper, my son (9) is CONSTANTLY worried about any of us,or any of his pets, dying. If anyone is late, say, from the shops or from work, he starts with a lithany of "is daddy alive? is everybody alive?". I am talking about dozens of times a day...

This is the unfortunate legacy of the death of one of his beloved pet cats, back in April. Since then, he's absolutely terrified by death and by the fact that somebody might die suddenly.

His constant questions are driving his sister nuts (while us parents are somehow used to, kind of numbed... ), but I am very worried that this anxiety might become a crippling fear later on.... still don't know how to approach it, though....

 

Martina

[jan]

We went through this as well. it started when M was about 8. He used to get really distressed even though he had no experience of death at that point not even a pet! It was very upsetting, he would say, "I don't want to die but I don't want to live forever either what do I do?" We used to reassure him as much as possible, there was little else to do.

 

On a more positive note, it has got better as he has grown up. He is 11 now and seems to have moved on from it.

 

It is very upsetting when your child is so distressed and there are no definate answers to their problem. But hopefully like us it will improve for you!

[elaine1]

my son has never worried about death but since the bombs in london he is very worried. i keep reassuring him, but nothing seems to help.

perhaps if this becomes an every day thing you should seek help.

 

maybe if yr son talks to someone else about it it may help him.

[sarahjane]

Hi my son , 6, also went through a phase like this and still sometimes brings it up. For him he is anxious about what would happen if i died but also is fascinated by the concept of death in general. He is star wars mad and is understanding is based around what happens to jedi's and they seem to be sort of resurrected which is very complicated.

 

When his brother as in hospital H asked was he goin to die, and seemed quiote disappointed when reassured he wasn't!

 

I don't know what the answer is, i tried to answer questions as honestly as possible and reassure him, and it did wear off after a while. However we still have to drive passed the graveyard everyday so we can say hello to the "living dead!"

[Amanda32]

Had this conversation lastnight thought I was going to start to cry myself.... We was watching Casualty/Holby city and they were talking about transplants. So I explained that if they didn't get it they could die so sometimes another person that dies donates their organs if they are on the doner list. I also said that if someone needed a kidney sometimes a family member can donate and still live a long life after doing something as wonderful as that. It's hard to explain as he doesn't understand much. He said I dont want to die mam and all I said is he's going to be a old man by then but we cant live forever. He started to cry and came over by me and held me tight and said mam dont want to die, what's it like dying. It's only because we were watching that program but I think it is quite educational for children to hear of transplants being a sucess etc. Me and hubby are on the doner register as Id like to help people and also im on the bone marrow register as If I cant donate money etc at least I can do this to help people. A bit of reasurance my son was ok but never seen him so scared I hope I haven't said the wrong thing to him.....

Take care

Amanda <'> <'>

Edited August 28, 2005 by Amanda32

[Viper]

Amanda, Ben is not worried about himself dying, I don't think he has thought about that much, he is worried about me dying, he hates the idea of living without his mum bless him.

 

Viper.

[seeking-sanity]

Hi

Our son J is nearly 11 and for years has not let me out of his sight to the point last year he wasnt at school cos he was so scared I was going to die without him, somehow he thinks if hes with me I wont die and you're right it is the hardest thing to deal with I hope with time J will get easier abouth this, but I think he will always worry, also he will not let his dad drive anywhere on his own in fear he will die, our whole household has had to work round this as otherwise even with his tablets we would not get any sleep or any peace, he still constantly asks how old I will be when I die or how old will dad be and it is really upsetting to know hes worrying constantly and what ever I say doesnt seem to answer his fears.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

[mrs q]

Sorry no advice

 

I hope he feels less stress about it soon...

 

Good luck

[Lucas]

I have also been having death anxiety recently. I'm just having troubling coping with it from a first-person perspective. I keep thinking that there will come a time when I won't exist anymore, I'll grow old and then I'll just stop being.

 

I think it is horribly unfair and I don't believe a good life is adequete compensation for it, so I don't find people who say I should make the best of the time I have at all comforting. I also feel that religion would be nothing more than a painkiller of sorts, it will not actually change the outcome when I die. All I can really do is hope that my own first-person existence is proof that I exist for reasons considerably more complex than material reactions and is not dependant on them to survive.

[Lemony]

My son has had an extreme worry about me dying for over a couple of years now, he is only 7. It is even in his assessments for statementing that he has a phobia of me dying which is absolutely heartbreaking to read.

 

Big hugs to all <'>