Sibling issues

[rufusruff]

My 16 year old NT son behaves like a real jerk toward his 14 year old ASD brother when we are out in public and ASDer does something inappropriate - usually talking too much and oversharing personal information in a very loud voice, not respecting others' personal space etc

 

NT son *continually* hissing, even shouting at him to shut up, calling him "delusional" (often resulting in meltdown as that's one of the 'trigger' words that infuriate ASDer - he cannot accept that his version of reality could have any faults) and physically manhandling him by grabbing his arm etc leading to public fights between them.

 

All this despite me *constantly* pointing out that correcting/monitoring ASD son's behaviour is our responsibility, not NT son's. He just ignores this or comes out with criiticism that we don't "stop him doing it" - his solution would be to 'thump him until he stops'. He's a perfectly intelligent boy who must know that it would not change our ASDer and in any case such behaviour is verboten at home to either of them.

 

When at home alone with him he plays card games, D & D etc with little brother quite nicely and has rescued him from bullies more than once - often castigating him at the same time!. I know ASDer's behaviour is at times acutely embarrassing but frankly his is getting to be even more so as far as I am concerned.

 

What's to be done? He's a frankly grumpy so-and-so at the best of times, frequently refers to his schoolmates as a "bunch of morons", so maybe it's just teenage moods. But it's getting to the stage where I dread outings as they end up at each other's throats (occasoinally literally) and wind each other up constantly.

 

[smallworld]

Hi,

I have this all the time, and none of my children have reached their teens yet !

I think a lot of it is to do with how kids think they are being perceived when they're out. My twelve yr old NT daughter went and sat about 20 ft away from us on the beach today, 9 yr old just tells 5 yr old he's an idiot all the time, and tries to smack him

Get in the car to come home and it's no better, we need a car with 4 rows of seats to physically seperate them

You're not alone in this, the only solution is to never take em all out together !!

not practical I know, but I use this as a threat, especially coming up to holiday time

My daughter has said she doesn't want to come on our next hol, and will stay at grandparents to have a week of piece and quiet (and sleep)

Looking forward to having 3 teenagers in the house

welcome to the site,

waccoe

[CarerQuie]

My 14 yo son is just as you describe.I think its a phase that they're going through,coupled with embarrassment of having a sibling who is different.

 

I try to remember that perhaps its also a sign that my NT child is finding things hard to cope with,too.Also,we're adults and make accommodations for our children but our other children can't always do this,too.xx

[Minxygal]

My eldest daughter is just the same. I suppose they reach a stage sometimes where they don't want the burden of an SN's sibling and this is the way they show it. It's not nice though I know that. My daughter can say some really nasty things to my youngest as he's the same and bounces all over and in her face. It can't be easy for them though.

What they don't realise is that it's not easy for us having to watch it happen either. <'>

[oracle]

hmmmm interesting thread. I have two sons with ASD. One 18 and one 8. When we are out I have the same problems with my two. The eldest feels that the youngest is acting inappropraitely and spends most of the time we are outing telling him to behave himself! He clearly does not see the inappropriate things that he is doing himself He tells the youngest not to be stupid while he is walking, neither can walk in a straight line and it's like being out with John Cleese and the Ministry of Silly Walks But the eldest does not see this. If we sit down to eat the eldest will usually move away and sit alone No matter how often I tell my eldest that 'I' am the parent, he still finds it necessary to have his say So maybe it's more of a sibling thing altogether than an sibling and ASD thing

 

Carole

[nightingales]

I think you're right that all sibs find each other acutely embarrassing at times. My middle one (NT, age 7) has just started calling his older (AS) brother 'weird' and saying he 'acts all stupid and embarrassing' at school. He's also told his sister that she's too fat to do ballet (grrr!) and upset her so much she refused breakfast. She's all of 3 years old, and certainly 'cuddly', but I DO NOT WANT anorexia to cope with on top of everything else.

 

Mind you, I called him a grumpy little toad the other day, so I guess I've no room to criticise...

[Kazzen161]

My NT son has persuaded both my AS son's to dress more "cool" during the hols. I have been trying to persuade T not to tuck his shirt in all the time (mainly cos it accentuates how skinny he is) for ages - but M has been accepted as the expert on what is "cool"!.

 

Karen

[cherry]

Of my other two boys, my eldest, A, finds it hard to deal with M's "weirdo" behaviour, my other son, D, tends to just find all that he does as very funny...not a case of laughing AT him.

 

A finds it all incredibly embarrassing (he's nearly 13), he hates other people looking, whereas D will turn to them and tell them it's rude to stare!

 

A will sometimes get quite aggressive towards M, and it's very hard not to lose my temper at him...he's old enough to know better I tell myself, and he should 'know' by now how not to react towards M.

 

But he's still only a child himself.

 

 

[Mother in Need]

My NT son of nearly 15 does very much the same including the physically manhandling him, though on the other hand he can be the complete opposite and is then such a darling and soooo helpful!

But yes, he does get very fed-up with this, his 12 year old AS and ODD brother gets away with severely bad behaviour, and to him, it is all not fair! His younger 8 year old NT/ADHDbrother is now feeling the brunt as well, as he has to take care of his 12 year old AS brother while still being so little (for instance when they go to the gents together when the disabled is not available) or this morning while I went in to see the doctor by myself and they had to wait in the waitingroom, my 8 year old had to be in charge and deal with him.

I find all in all my NT boys are geting a very raw deal they have to deal with so much, they have to take on so much responsibility, I never have a tenth of the time available for them as I have for their AS brother, and any conversation it is 'he this and he that'. We can't go out and enjoy the things we want to do, we often can't even have a simple conversation, etc etc etc my NT sons are missing out so much and I feel it is very normal for them to stand up and say 'enough is enough' or simply to express their disapointments and aggressions.

[smallworld]

Hi,

that sums it up perfectly,

I'm constantly asking my eldest two 'what's **** doing ?'

And going to the doctor's, I have to strap youngest into his way too small pushchair and leave the other two in charge

No wonder I never get round to saying what I want to in there, too busy rushing to get out of there and see what's going on in the waiting room our doc must think I'm totally manic, nothing could be further from the truth

perhaps I should organise myself to be ill only during school hours

wac

[Destrum]

As the Brother of an Aspie this subject affects me this has not happened as of yet but may soon i hope the sibs are fine and i do hav to say i would be angry with my brother but i wouldn't do anything lik that

 

PS I LUV DND IT RULES