hes bullying me

[hev]

i hope this doesnt sound silly but i feel like steven is bullying me and i dont know how to stop the behaviour,well in theory i know how to but i find it very hard to carry it through.

 

if he asks for something and i say no he screams at the top of his voice and throws things and i find it very difficult to ignore,he is a very big boy for 12 and my worry is when he gets older its going to get worse unless i change the way i deal with him now,to be honest i have spoilt him,his dad left when he was young,he got picked on at school,hes got aspergers and i know ive tried to overcompensate over the years as i do feel for him and what he goes through.

 

how do you all deal with things when they are bigger than you and are throwing things about,its not as if i can send him to his room as he would come straight down,all i seem to be doing is rowing with him,i feel like ive lost control of the situation,any advice how you cope please

[phasmid]

Negogiate (sp?).

 

If he wants something, anything, then he has to earn it. We have used various ways of doing this. By far and away the best was M-ON-E-Y

 

In our house the boys get 50p a day pocket money. But, they get fined for bad behaviour, 5p or 10p a time depending on the tarrif set (10p for lies, 5p for not doing a job when asked that sort of thing). If they can earn full �3-50 for 'x' weeks they geta bonus of an extra �1-50. However the momment they get fined after week 'x' the bonus goes!

 

When they realised that this would mean spending money on whatever they wanted (except sweets) they went for it. 3 are NT and one has AS. To date only phas jr (AS, 16 and 6ft 3) gets the bonus. They really value 5p too. Phas jr would often 'rage' as you describe as well.

 

It may not work straight away, it may be you have to start with a larger or smaller amount of money and an example of what could be bought after 2-3 weeks, but it might help. As normal give him time to get used to the idea (they could have it each day here to start with but then only at the end of each week after a month).

 

Hope that helps.

[mossgrove]

Hev

 

This must be a very difficult situation for you. I sympathise because we are very worried that our eldest will have the same issues as he gets older.

 

My first thought is that you shouln't have to do this on your own. We have a support worker from CAMHS is working with J (7) to help him with undersanding and dealing with his emotions. J is far aheaad of his peers academically, but his emotional development has been assessed as being on a par with a typically developing child who is 18 months old, so he will need to be taght to recognise his emotions, what anger means, how that is likely to affect him etc. His special school are on board with this and we hope to have everything in place soon.

 

In the meantime you may wish to try reading :

 

Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick

 

Therre are plenty of reviews on the US Amazon site which seem overwhelmingly positive, and you can buy it from the UK one. I think I may just order a copy myself!

 

 

Simon

[asereht]

Hev I know how you feel. I have been there.My son is 14 and a half now . He is out of school and attending an adolescent unit for an assessment on a daily basis which includes some schooling, so things are not too bad at the moment.

 

Thing is when he is in good form, I feel, that sometimes it's because I am not doing anything to annoy him, but when I do and believe me it's easily done. Then all hell breaks loose and then I think that I must be normally jumping through hoops to please him. Then I get upset and wonder if I have him the way he is and think about what a terrible mum I must be and how no other mum would put up with this etc. Sometimes I feel like he is in charge and I have to do as he says or else suffer the consequences ( moods , Tantrums etc.)

 

 

But when things are good again I realise that I am doing the best I can and if I do have to do certain things a different way to keep things calm then so be it.

 

Please don't feel bad about the way your son is ,remember also, at his age the dreaded hormones have a lot to do with the way he is.

 

This is not meant to be advice as I am the last person to be able give advice in these situations and usually come on here looking for advice on much the same problems. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and please free to pm me anytime <'> <'>

 

From all your posts I have read I can tell that you are a good mum who loves her son very much but like us all gets lost at times. Also your son may be like this with you because he knows you love him and he feels comfortable with you ( I know this doesn't really help).

 

Take care.

 

Theresa

[mel_jayne]

HI,i also know how you feel.The word no just brings a full blown screaming match lol.We started a calm down gem program.Kyle(9,still waiting for dx)and i sat down one night and talked about getting gems for good behaviour.white gem for doing a job,light blue for when we are having a bad day a he manage's to controll it,dark blue for a good day with incident.Started this week and all's gone well Kyle loves it after he's got so many gems he get's to pick a treat for them all(3 other kids).Haven't had a meltdown this week .Don't no how long it will work but got to try something

[hev]

been a lot better since i posted about this,ive started saying no to things i dont want him to have or do but we have also had some nice times,i do think i was in a pattern of constantly moaning at him,we played a game of hide and seek tonight and he loved it,i also liked laughing with him for a change,i am just taking one day at a time now instead of keep constantly worrying which doesnt do my health any good,also when i say he has to go to bed earlier i stick to it now and i find it strange but hes better behaved with me when im firmer,im getting there,i feel positive today!!

[asereht]

We all get bad days . Glad things are better now.

 

Here's to more good days

 

 

T