Telling parents about diagnosis

[tinminer]

Hi,

 

I was diagnosed with having AS just one month ago.

 

So far, apart from the medical people, the only people I have told are my wife (who also may have AS) and my line manager (I was off sick recently with depression & anxiety - the cumlination of which resulted in me getting a Dx).

 

I have NOT told my parents.

 

I am 41 years of age, they are in their 60s.

 

I did have problems at school, especially socially > my mum's solution was to force me into the scouts - I lasted one week - I ran home screaming!

 

I realise there is a sigificant 'generation gap', though they do know about AS, as they knew when my son was diagnosed 7 years ago (he's 14 now).

 

My relationship with my parents is rocky - ever since I married my wife 15 years ago. My wife may also have AS, but my parents just thought she was 'odd'. and effectively gave me an ultimatum that if I married her, they would not speak to me. They didn't - for over 5 years.

 

Reasons for not telling them:

1. They won't understand

2. They might think I have AS is their fault (it isn't of course - it is part of who I am)

3. They might think I am getting at them

4. It could upset our relationship more.

 

Reasons for telling them:

1. They might understand me and my wife better, plus why I was/am like I am.

2. Time is running out - they won't be around forever

3. They might understand my son and my wife more

4. Think it is 'right' that they should know.

 

Ultimatley, of course, it is my decision, but I would appreciate your views/comments so I can come to a fully formed decision, and perhaps look at viewpoints I have not considered.

 

PS - I have no reason to believe either of my parents have AS.

[smallworld]

Hi,

I would tell them, if I was you ( but of course I'm not, but we are of a similar age, with similar age parents)

I think the reasons for telling outweigh those for not.

It might help them to see how you are now, and more for them, how you were as a child.

My son has an asd, and my parents think it's totally from my partner's genes, and said so. I then had to ask them to think about how I was as a child (they would have said 'difficult,over-sensitive, eccentric, self-absorbed .....')

Because of our son I think they have started to re-evaluate their view of me.

It's easier to explain because I have a child on hand to illustrate exactly what I'm talking about when harking back to my childhood ( a bit too vividly !)

I've gone on too long, do some more thinking before you tell them, be sure it's the right thing for you, and your wife,

I hope you get there with your parents,

 

wac

Edited December 1, 2005 by waccoe

[phasmid]

I'd tell them. Iy may provide answers to many things that have happened to you/them over the years.It may open a can of worms for a while and some may wriggle out and never go back in. But, I think in the long run it is the right thing to do. When my son was diagnosed I gave my mum some info to read. She called me later in tears having just read all about my brother!

 

It's your call in the end, whichever way you decide to go good luck.

[BuntyB]

Hi,

I wondered what my parents would think too. My concerns about my daughter were 'well, you were just the same'- in other words they thought her behaviour was 'normal'.

I am not sure they accepted her diagnosis, thinking that we just have names now for what we've always known, but the more they have read, seen things in the media, I think they are coming to terms with it.

I don't have a diagnosis, but i am sure that they know what I think, becuase I ask them if they recognise the traits within the family. My mother made the comment, 'Well, aren't we all a bit autistic?'

 

Perhaps if they realised that before i self-diagnosed, I used to blame them for the problems I had, they might prefer what I have discovered!

[Elanor]

When I told my parents about my son's diagnosis, they responded very positively, and have gained a certain understanding of AS, which is helpful to me. They also made other connections - strong AS traits in my Dad and my brother and other family members.

 

However, you're parents already know about AS - you told them about your son.

 

How did they respond to that? Did they suspect that you had it also? Have they been receptive of the diagnosis, or ignored it/always downplayed it?

 

The answers to these questions might point you to how they might respond to, or feel about your own diagnosis.

 

BTW, I don't think they have a right to know - but you have a right to tell them, if you want to.

 

Elanor

[ceecee]

Iw ould second what Ealonor said.Parents dont have a right to know but we have a right to tell them if we so wish.

 

I told my mum I thought I had suspect AS and she was a bit shocked and a little bit upset.then she kept saying to me well it is only mild though isn't it.to which i replied yes because i feel it is.

 

Then she came to the conclusion that I was still me the daughter she had always had and now I dont think she seems me as any different just as me the same person she has always loved.But from my experience it takea a bit of time for them to get their head round.As someone else said there are occasions when it seem to open a whole can of worms.

 

So I cant offer any advice one way or the other just have to do what you feel is best for you.Good Luck

[tinminer]

Thanks: waccoe, phasmid, Shona, Elanor & ceecee - some brilliant posts there, which have got me thinking about it from different angles. I really appreciate your input.

 

Elanor, to answer you specific point, my parents re-action to my son's dx was very downbeat. They knew 'something' was wrong, i.e. felt he was different to 'normal' (NT?) children. However, and here is the crucial point, I am an only child, but both my parents come from large families, so they have had more dealings with other children. Their frame of reference was much bigger than mine, so picked up on my son's nuances far more easily than I ever did.

 

Having said all that though, when I explained to them what AS was (my son also has a learning disability and epilepsy), they were very much like, 'well there are far worse things to have'. I'm not totally sure they have fully grasped what the concept of AS truly is, but they have some idea of the difficulties he faces.

 

I will give it much more thought, as there are no easy answers, and I want to make sure I make the right decision.

 

Once again, thanks to you all.

 

PS. Sorry I can't use the emoticons, as I get confused by their meanings, and will end up selecting the wrong one!

[laine]

Hi

 

Just read youre email. My advice to you is what i would do myself and that would be to tell youre parents, we are of a similar age and my parents are. The response you get may not be the one you want but at least you have told them. When i told them about my son having AS my mum had heard of it but my Dad hadnt. I then had to explain what it is and this is why my son is the way he is. To be honest i wouldnt want him any other way this is the little chap we know and love and AS is part of him. I am sure youre Parents will love you for whatever and this may be the final piece in their jigsaw.

 

I do hope what ever happens you and youre family are happy.

 

Take care

 

Laine

[ceecee]

I too agree with what Laine said.After a while people realise that as is part of the person and without it they wouldn't be them.Sure it can take a lot of getting your head round and getting used to.I know my husband sometimes is driven mad by me.He just walks away in frustration.Then other times he will laugh and other times he informes me he loves me because of it.i do feel though that sometimes if you have as particularly if it is mild and you recognise afterwoods something you have done is because of as you tend to get a bit upset and frustrated with yourself.

 

I am sure that your parents will love you for you.People with As have many many good qualities as well.