Parents?.............your thoughts.

[Suze]

Hi guys following on from another thread here.Hectors Horsey got me thinking a bit .My sons DX brought about a whole heap of self searching and issues.The first book on AS I read sent a chill through me.I,ve always felt I looked at life a bit differently, I can remember teachers shouting at me for not looking at them when they spoke to me .I never had a true best friend at school , I used to hang around with the other dreggs that no one wanted in their social group. I,ve never had any confidence or self esteem and was bullied pretty badly at high school.I had problems eating when I was younger and never ate anywhere other than at home.I would,nt go and play at anyones house as I was worried they,d make me eat .This fear came from a strong sense of smell and a dinner lady forcing me to eat rice pudding ........I puked all over the school table. The older I got in my teens the more obsessive I became, I liked it because it was something I could control, so I exercised and controlled my food ...........not good .After my sons dx I had counselling , talking about the past I realised, my own similarities to my son, I,m not seeking any dx for myself , but discovering my sons problems has made me look at mine and helped me understand him.......................sorry I,ve waffled.

[ceecee]

Suze thats interesting.I've recently realised I have as too.I've always known i had ocd well for years and I understand the two conditions can run along side one another though not always.

 

My daughter suffered from autistic encephalitus after her mmr booster and i believe that in some cases these things can be quite hereditary.

 

Its interesting you say that you first thought about your condition after your son was diagnosed it must have been a bit of a shock.

 

I am not seeking a diagnosis either, some traits I dont actually have so for that reason i would consider mine is quite mild.

[rainbow queen]

good thread suze

i have also looked at myself due to my sons difficulties

hope u folks dont mind-us dregging up our pasts

but i too had probs when i was about 6/7 -think was triggered by my grandads death[was close to] and me seeing him in the coffin and going to the funeral

i stopped eating

and thought i was going to be sick all time-weight dropped off me and my parents had to put me in hospital-not as much was known back then about eating disorders or mental health probs as it is today.

was in hospital for months and force fed by horrible strict matrons-having freezing baths in old type baths -rubbing soap in my eyes

sure it scarred me for life as i couldnt see my parents i thought id been put away

 

anyway to cut long storey short they did all these tests but found nowt wrong -i relise now it was a mental health prob .

i never had many decent friends either,was bullied at high school-felt i didnt fit in

never kissed a boy till i was 18-think by then id developed inferioty complex

ive always made cr*p judgements through out my life-resulting in getting in bad situations

never been able to keep conversation going

and in the recent past years become quite obsessed with dealing with things

 

my sons dad also was a perfectionist/very parinoid/-to be truthfull i looked up that opposatinal defient disorder and it fits his dad-always defied the laws and rules -had prob with people telling him what to do- which suprise suprise my son is just like that.

ive always felt unloved and always been on the depressive side, and 2 years back i was dx with rapid cycling mood disorder[manic] and ocd and been told ill have it for life

 

with hind sight i know this is awfull to say i dont think i should of had children-but at that time non of this had really come to light.

i feel extreme guilt sometimes that its my fault my sons how he is-and my fault for picking his dad ect......

 

though i do love my boys to bit.

but your right suze as u get older you do start analizing things more

 

i do try to remain as positive i can and try not to dwell on things i cant fix

[ceecee]

Dont be too hard on yourself rainbow queen.None of us are perfect parents regardless of what we have or dont have.The important thing is recognising our difficulties and making sure they don't have a negative impact on our children.

 

There are many many parents I'm sure who have no idea of their impact on others and consequently should not of have children but you and i am sure all the other parents on this forum with or without AS etc are not one of them.Have some of these <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Suze]

Gosh ,..................................when my son was DX I too blamed myself for his condition.Counselling helped me look into this but I still blame myself.He reminds me so much of myself that I feel sure I either parented him and made ASD or he got from me because it is hereditary.That does,nt make sense I know, .................

[lancelot]

Suze...

My feelings exactly. Have a <'>

I think my son would be better off with a parent who DIDN'T share his problems with organization. Currently I'm utterly failing to provide the calm, predictable, ordered environment that I'm assured he needs (could someone write me a visual timetable please, and remind me to stick to it?)

[mossgrove]

I think many of us have had quite a few introspective moments since our children were diagnosed, me included.

 

If you want to know what my schooldays were like you should read 'Martian in the Playground' by Claire Sainsbury, I would recommend it to anyone who has ever sat and wondered.

 

For me having two children with ASD's has been a more positive experience.Our eldest (8, Aspergers) finds things more difficult that I did, but we are very clearly alike in so many ways.

 

One of the positive things has been what I call 'Eureka! monents' when something from my own childhood suddenly makes sense after all these years. It won't put right the years of low self-esteem or not knowing why I was different, but at least I know why and I can concerntrate on getting the help that our boys need.

 

I also think that the fact that I have faced similar difficulties and 'come out OK' means that I am more optimistic about my childrens future than I would be if I had been completely NT.

 

 

Simon

[reuby2]

Again I look at my son and see him doing exactly the same things that i did as a child, that's why at first I blamed myself (as i have g.a.d) but I remember the anxiety and not being able to eat in front of people, Taking things extremely literally ( i remember once getting extremely upset with my mum when she called me a little monkey, i explained that i was not a monkey but a little girl!!!!!!)They said when i was a baby i didn't smile but just frowned at everyone (it bacame a kind of joke) I was very musical and love to write music although i became too afraid to play in front of people. Self harmed during teens, seemed to feel that i had missed something in conversations etc .I am not seeking a dx but can definitely see traits in myself. Kind of answers a few questions really.

 

 

Just found another one on another thread, my son covers his ears. I have always done that if i am afraid or shocked, can't stand too much noise and even if someone sneezes too many times it drives me mad!!!!!!!!

Edited December 6, 2005 by reuby2

[Kathryn]

I think my son would be better off with a parent who DIDN'T share his problems with organization. Currently I'm utterly failing to provide the calm, predictable, ordered environment that I'm assured he needs (could someone write me a visual timetable please, and remind me to stick to it?)

lancelot, my sentiments exactly! Our house is chaotic and cluttered, I seem to hurtle through the day without a plan and collapse in a heap at the end of it. I've had to learn the hard way how to create the right kind of environment for my daughter and I'm still learning. Running a house is really scary, after 20 years of doing it I still struggle with so many little things people take for granted, (yet if I'm writing an essay I can organise my thoughts very easily - funny that). I often look around me at other parents whose lives run like clockwork and think she would be a lot better off with them.

 

I was lucky enough to have a very sheltered, traditional school environment - I think I would have struggled a lot more if I had been exposed to the kind of learning environment our children are expected to cope with.

[ceecee]

Reuby2

 

I too often feel I have missed something during conversations and I often have.

 

I've learnt to smile and nod and pretend.Then I just ask hubbie afterwoods.What was that I didn't get it.I cant process loads of info at once.i kind of switch off.

 

I get so frustrated with myself.

 

Mossgrove

 

i have many eureka moments too after reading bits on this site.I think I do that too

 

I agree with you I haven't turned out too bad like you say that gives us loads of hope for the future.As is not the end of the world.

[mossgrove]

I often look around me at other parents whose lives run like clockwork and think she would be a lot better off with them.

 

Don't bee hard on yourself. There are very few parents who could have fought as hard as you did for L.

 

Remember there is a massive chasm between other parents lives appearing to run like clockwork and other parents lives running like clockwork. Most parents feel slightly out of control of their daily lives, it's perfectly normal, NT or not.

 

Simon

[sue1957]

I went to a seminar on ADD/ADHD a couple of years back, and whilst they were talking I got distracted by the handouts and read ahead to the section on Adult ADD. I ticked every one of the boxes, I fitted the criteria exactly. I came home devastated that no wonder I had an ADHD child and a child with difficulties on the autistic spectrum, I was ADD it must be my fault....

 

But if I'm honest there is no history of ADD/ADHD in my family. I was neither ADD or ADHD as a child.

 

As an adult, I would also say I sometimes have some very AS traits, and OC ones as well as ADD.

 

What I have had is a great deal of stress in my teens (being sent to boarding school) followed by a disastrous marriage to an alcoholic. I was then a single parent for several years with a ADHD child, and an alcoholic ex husband. Although I went on to happily remarry and had 2 more children, (one AS) I was trying to juggle motherhood second time round, I was in a stressful job, and still fighting battles with my ex over access etc.

 

Depending on which behaviours I exhibit during stress, someone might label me a number of things. But in my own case I have to say that I think my own problems, and my two sons ADHD and AS are lifestyle/stress based, not genetically based.

[DaisyProudfoot]

After reading the books and threads on this forum I would agree that I do have certain Aspie traits, my husband recognises a few in himself too.

 

It's funny when Martin (my AS son) does things my mum regularly says: "Well, you did that too you know." And I was a very difficult child

 

Apparently I screamed the house down when I had my hair washed or when my mum tried to get me to wear a dress. I used to be sick (and still can be) when I smelled certain things that other people don't notice.

 

I am a nightmare about things having to be done immediately and I can't rest until they're done. When I was a kid at school I had numerous bullies (until I fought back - 13 years old! ), I had loads of friends but no close friends because I couldn't trust them.

 

I had permanent "foot in mouth disease" and I have only combatted that by thinking very carefully before I speak these days.

 

I could go on ......... but the thing is I'm 40 years old and life is good, so if I do have AS - it did affect my childhood - but I think I'm an OK adult, albeit one that has learned many of her skills consciously

 

Daisy

[reuby2]

Edited December 8, 2005 by reuby2

[Flora]

I used to hang around with the other dreggs that no one wanted in their social group.

you still do

 

Sorry suze <'> <'> that was a cheap joke but I couldn't resist it. Please forgive me

 

Suze, I totally relate to lots of what you said. I still feel guilty about my son's dx too. I also feel that dragging feeling of inadequacy when I see the other mum's at school (particularly those on the PTA) who are so efficent it terrifies me. I think I muddle through ok and take a defensive stance by convincing myself I'd hate to be like that lot but really I do envy them their breezy competence when I would forget my head if it wasn't attached properly. Often when I'm talking to people I can't look at them because I get the feeling they are looking at me as if I'm a lunatic and what I'm saying is rubbish. Socially I compensate by getting tipsy then I'm fine but talk none stop barely pausing to listen to a reply if they do get a word in edge ways.

 

I don't want to hijack your thread; but I think there are so much of us out there it's always good when someone opens up and opens the floodgates for the rest of us.

 

Have another <'>

 

Lauren

[ceecee]

I dont need to get tipsy to talk non stop without pausing for breath

[anxiousmom]

With a recent DX for my son I dragged myself back into CBT... here I spoke about him and the psychologist said how similar his problems seem to be to those I had... I then looked more at AS in adults and it pretty much describes me to a T.

 

I'm toying with the idea of persuing a DX for myself as it might help me to stop blaming myself for my inadequacies. I just can't do people, getting the kids to school is a nightmare, crowds and noises and parties and yuk!.... yet I beat myself up for not going to them and then not bonding and seeing these people who really really like me slip out of my life as I somehow 'neglect' them. I just never quite get it right!

 

I used to think my son would be better off with a 'normal' mum but actually I've jumped through hoops for him and will back flip for the rest of his life if possible. I see him doing the things I did but the difference will be that I'll get that understanding and help him in all the ways possible. My parents did there best but 30 years ago they didn't know and with 3 older brothers.... they probably thought I was just 'different'.

 

And hubby? I've diagnosed him with 'kitchen dyspraxia'.... his muscles for putting things away or in the bin or in the dishwasher are just not coordinating right... anyone else had this!?

[Suze]

<'> Lauren have one back,...........and what a cheap joke ...............I can so relate to not being organised........My pocket is always full of bits of paper with things I must,nt forget to do on. ......I frequently find myself at the cashpoint desperately trying to remember my pin..........run up the stairs in a mad rush then forget what I went up for.The worse is the car keys..............I was going nuts the other morning late for school again ...........screaming, where are the keys where are the keys..............turned up dangling on my little finger with my bag ................

[Hectorshouse]

And hubby? I've diagnosed him with 'kitchen dyspraxia'.... his muscles for putting things away or in the bin or in the dishwasher are just not coordinating right... anyone else had this!?

 

in our house I call it 'male domestic dyslexia' as all the very capable males (ie. long suffering one and A the techno teen are fully able to master videos/dvds/PS1 & 2's/operating power tools etc ...) when presented with a hoover or washing machine turn into mumbling incomprehensible wrecks

 

HHxx