NT daughter still causing havoc

[stressed out mum]

Hi Everyone

 

Sorry to keep posting here but I can't find a decent forum for advice about teens.

 

I told my daughter that now she is working I would be expecting a third of her wages for keep, she earns ?600 a month p/t.

 

She flew into a rage and said you can have ?100 a month or chuck me out!

 

When I said that it was not negotiable she packed her stuff late last night and tried to leave, I had to call my father-in-law to help me in the end because she was violent and screaming out the front door when we tried to get her back in

 

Her father never backs me up and never has done (he left for night shift the day I brought her home for the first time ) and gives in to her for a quiet life.

 

She then said that she will only be working until September and then going to college (she dropped out of A levels a few weeks ago) as she has found something that she would like to do now

 

My AS son won't go to school (not that he is happy there) and my other NT daughter (quiet one) is in tears

and shouts at her not to upset Mum.

 

Am I being unreasonable I know the amount sounds a lot and probably gave her a shock (I was surprised myself when I worked it out

 

The atmosphere in our house is so bad I am thinking of leaving myself now

[lil_me]

I do not live in your home, but if this was my child I would be trying to compromise with my child, asking what they think is fair and why. Most teens I know pay about ?10-?20 a week board, making it % of what I earned when I lived at home made getting a pay rise/bettering myself at work seem much less of a goal as I would not get XX% of what I earned. With my parents, after trying various ways, we sat and decided how much I needed to live on, how much it realistically cost for my keep with food and fuel costs included, which gave them a chance to put their side to it, and came to an arrangement. My family always agreed never to argue about money as thats not what was important so most things became a discussion rather then them just telling.

Edited January 24, 2006 by lil_me

[smiley]

Aw hun <'>

 

Sounds like a battle ground <'> . If it was me - i wouldn't give in. She may be cross with you etc, but that's the fun of parenting! Your teaching her to be responsible. If you cave-in now all the fights won't be worth anything.

 

Give her a couple of days to settle - but be firm ans keep to what you said.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

I don't think ?100 is unreasonable.

[stressed out mum]

Hi thanks for the replies

 

I gave my parents ?50 a month for keep (I earned ?170 a month) and that was 22 years ago so I thought it would have gone up with inflation!

 

Will try to have a rational conversation with her when she gets up. This is her day off so she is going to her b/f's and will be back tomorrow after work!

 

Maybe this will give us some breathing space.

 

It didn't help when she told me I was a cr*p mother either (not that she hasn't said that before)

[bid]

Probably not popular, but I think ?200 is fine...it's more realistic compared to if she was renting a room elsewhere.

 

AND, I'm nearly 40, I work and I certainly don't have ?500 a month just to spend on myself, which is essentially what she is suggesting!!

 

Bid

[jb1964]

I think ?200 a month is quite realistic it's just making her understand that. Perhaps if you listed what a few things cost i.e telephone/water/rates/food etc - I know most kids don't want to know and shut down when you tell them but it's worth a try.

 

Also, what about reducing it slightly if she pays for her hygiene/toiltetries. I know when I was 16 and started working I earned ?25 a week full time (on a YOP scheme!!) and gave my mum ?8 but bought my toiletries myself.

[Jill]

Just an idea (not having any experience of actually dealing with teenagers & it's a looooong time since I was one)

 

Why don't you give her the option of

 

1) Paying ?200 a month (as you originally suggested)

 

OR

 

2) Contributing her equal share of the bills each month e.g. if there are 4 of you in the house, she pays one quarter of the mortgage, the council tax, the electricity, the gas, the food shopping etc etc, plus have an itemised phone bill and she pays for all of her calls?

 

I suspect she'd jump at option 1), plus it might help to make her realise why you are asking for ?200 i.e. she might see it's not actually so much!

[Kathryn]

I'm reading this thread with interest as we may be in this position one day! ?200 sounds fine to me too - she will still have a respectable amount left to save or spend as she chooses.

 

I hope things have calmed down a bit today. <'>

 

 

(Bid - nearly 40??? That is virtually teenage from where I sit. )

 

K

[stressed out mum]

Hi Everyone

 

Tried talking to her when she eventually got up today, she did seem approachable (probably because she thought she had won) but she would not discuss anything concerning money and still says that it is ?100 or you can chuck me out

 

On top of that my DH (sez she sarcastically) gave her the fare she needed to get to her b/f's

 

Spoke to my parents in law today and they think that she has a valid point too

 

Just wanted to add that she also earns commission on what she sells which was ?76 this month and ?60 ish last month! That is on top of the ?600 monthly salary!

 

Looks like it will be me moving out after all

Edited January 25, 2006 by stressed out mum

[LittleRae]

Hi Stressed Out Mum

 

I agree that ?200 doesn't seem very much. When I lived at home, I wasn't earning much, but it was a third for keep, a third for me and a third for the bank. When my siblings had better jobs and lived at home they were asked for a nominal amount for keep, but expected to contribute towards bills, etc.

 

By not making her pay her way you are not helping her in the long run - you are not preparing her for the real world. Eventually she will leave home, but if she has no idea what things cost, she will be at a disadvantage.

 

What I would do is spend some time on this. Get local paper & check the rents for flats or sharing. Take out a copy of every bill you receive, Gas, Electricity, Council Tax, TV Licence, Phone bill, mobile bill and any others. Get the receipt from your last big shop & divide it in 4 (you could go one further and go to 'large supermarket' online and do a 'pretend shop' for one to check out costs). Do you know how many taxis/buses she takes & the cost? Of course, if she moves out she will also have the cost of equipping her new home - bedlinen & duvet, towels, - add any item you can think of. Don't forget to add in any one-off annual items like insurance, etc.

 

When you have all these you can present the list to her just to be 'helpful' so she knows what she needs to set aside each month when she moves out. For the 5p she'll have left over each month, just mark that down under 'entertainment'!!

 

If it was me, I probably wouldn't discuss it too much, but present the information and let her look at it, without pressurising her. It wouldn't do any harm to let your DH see it either. Also put it to him that it's part of his responsibilities as a parent to help his daughter become an adult who will be able to pull her weight in the world and take care of herself.

 

Hope this helps

 

A

[stressed out mum]

Hi D's mum

 

That's exactly how I feel. Have tried showing her what comes into the house and what goes out but she will not even glance at it. She says that she is not interested and will find out when she gets a place of her own

 

We have been fortunate that I could stay at home to raise our family (studying aswell) DH is the only wage earner and so knows how much the bills are! I feel guilty if I spend anything on myself unless I have a p/t job for a while and that was not made easy cos DH works 70 hours a week most weeks so has not been around to give me any support at home. He did nothing with the children when they were small, he also does nothing with our son who has Aspergers. Now they are teens he thinks he can step in and be the friendly parent Sorry getting off the subject now

 

When I tell her that the weekly shop comes to ?120 a week (2 adults and 3 children) without daily bits and bobs. She says 'well you should go out and get a job then and stop trying to take all of my money'. 'How do you expect me to save?'

She is saving for a car and driving lessons, which we said that we would get her for her 17th anyway

 

So really she expects to give us ?100 take it or leave it. Then go to college in September (have already said that no keep will be expected then)

 

And of course her friend only gives her parents ?100 but earns a big amount in London but both parents work there anyway.

 

She forgets that I have been here to run her (and the other two) around and her b/f is here most weekends. Then her b/f is here most weekends, not that he's a problem but it is not always convenient. If I say anything she gets annoyed and goes to his house instead.

 

Maybe she has had it too easy up until now.

 

I don't want to get into an argument with DH, he works soo hard, but I feel as though I have spent the last 16 years wasting my time doing everything for other people

 

I am not alone I know and there are more people worse of than me but thanks for listening!!!

[jb1964]

If you were thinking of getting her the car/lessons for her 17th anyway - if you really think you're not going to get anywhere with her at all over this - what if you said you'd accept say ?125-?150 - but she gives you the money to save for the car - I'm taking it that she would probably save at least ?50-?100 a month towards this. Problem would come after her 17th when she would still only give you basic but not the savings. Just a thought.

Edited January 25, 2006 by jb1964