missing my son

[kinky j]

I'm finding things quite difficult at the mo, i'm being investigated by social sevices as my nearly 3year old had bite marks from his friend who's also nearly 3, my son had asd and his friend has undiagnosed but obvious adhd and on the whole they play nicely together it was just occasionally they'd have a tif about a toy or some food or sweets (you know what it's like).

 

my family seem to think that i should no longer let my son play with his friend (not a big problem as we've moved out of the area and won't get to see as much of him anyhow) but i believe it would be unfair to stop them completely as he's the first person my son's age that he's every truly been able to relate to.

 

it's not as if they beat each other constantly or either one was ever endangered, and i thought it was an inevitable part of their disorders that sometimes fights would occur. we were always on hand to break up the fights before they went too far.

 

I understand that people are only looking out for my son's best interests, and that helps me to not feel angry, but this has disrupted his whole routine and i haven't seen him for about a week, which must be as difficult for him as it is for me as i've been the only stable person in his life

 

now, to make matters worse my ex, who was abusive (hence why he's now ex) has been telling everyone that he's going to try for custody. this would be terrible for my son as he now has a second child and my son needs too much attention to not be an only child, especially as his dad doesn't seem to want to accept his asd and doesn't stop the new baby from infinging on connor's personal space or interfering with his needs.

 

please give me your opinions on the matter as people seem to think i've done something wrong, should i have stopped them from playing together?

[jb1964]

I don't really know what to say regarding your whole situation as I don't think I really understand (is your son not with you at the moment?).

 

But all I would point out is that very often some kids of 3 bite/kick/hit each other anyway - regardless of whether they have ASD or not, that it can be just a phase they go through.

 

I'm sure you'll get some real good advice soon.

Chin up

[kinky j]

thankyou, i feel a bit better just having shared it.

 

no my son isn't with me at the moment, he's staying with my sister as social services decided i wasn't allowed unsupervised access until the investigation's over in case it was me who bit my son (bizzare, but in a strange way i guess i can see their point) though he's been visiting his dad the past couple of days.

 

I'm going to see him later it'll be the first time since last friday as i'd told him it was a holiday and didn't want to confuse him by going round too often. but the investigation's taking longer than expected as they've not been able to speak to his friend's mum yet, i was meant to get him back yesterday and have now been told it won't be til tuesday, it's really killing me

[DaisyProudfoot]

Surely they could tell by dental examination that it was a child's bite?

 

If I were you I'd be onto social services and ask them to get sorted out pronto - it seems unfair on the both of you.

[smiley]

I agree with Daisy - i'd be on the phone aswell.

 

I'm not sure what else to suggest - really hope you get it sorted soon.

 

Just thought - do you have the mums number?? If they haven't got hold of her yet - could you contact her??

[Paula]

<'> <'>

 

What an absolutley awfull time.

 

Kids aged 3 often bite each other and pull haire and inflict all sorts of injuries onto each other.Im amazed that social services would even bother looking into any of this.Sometimes i think these people are stupid and dont use there common sence.Its causeing more distress you not being able to see youre son than any bite mark inflicted from another child would have done.

 

As for youre ex partner trying for custody.The key word is TRYING.Lets be realistic 9 tomes out of ten men dont get custody of there children.Keep that in mind.Hell be trying to scare you.Sod him dont let him see hes got you worried.Not easy i know.

 

 

I hope you and youre son are reunited soon.

 

I dont think you did wrong letting youre son play with this child i think social services are stark raveing mad to remove a child from a parent for something as daft as a bite mark coulnd common sence of prevailed.

 

<'> <'>

[jen]

Do the social service know your ex was abusive. Have social services talked with the childs mother.

Ask social service what else needs to be done?

You are in a difficult position but I am pleased you can see it from the side of SS protecting your son.

Who is looking after your son? Can you now visit him (supervised more frequently)

 

Jen

[kinky j]

i've just had a visit from the social worker, she's said that everything seems fine and they're just waiting to speak to the other child's mum, they're going out there on tuesday, and then that should be the end of it.

 

i'm going to see him tonight, my sister's picking him up from his dad's in about half hour and is gonna text me as soon as she's back so i can go straight round and i'll be seeing him again tomorrow as well so that's got me feeling loads better

 

social worker seemed much more understanding this time, i explained a few things to he (the possability of myself and my current partner being on the autistic spectrum and the difficulties between me n my ex, and just how much work i've been puting into finding the best ways of dealing with the asd in our family) and she actually looked like she realised she'd been misjudging me.

 

thank you all so much for your input, it's nice to finally have people to talk to that have real hands on experience rather than the profesionals who seem to think that parents can remain as emotionally detatched as they do.

 

kinky j

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[sue45]

Hi Kinky j,

 

What an upsetting time of it you;ve had. I'm glad you seem to be getting it sorted out and feel you are being listened to by the ss woman.

 

This is a great place to come for advice and support.

 

Take care and I hope all goes well.

 

Sue

 

xx

[jen]

roll on Tuesday so it is all finish. SS might be able to put in some help and support for you

 

Jen

[jb1964]

kinky j

 

Hpe you're reunited soon - can't imagine how you're feeling.

 

Take care,

Jb

[curra]

Kinky

 

Just an advice (from experience) - if you're ex is trying to get the custody of you son you need legal advice, in case you are not getting it yet...

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

<'> Curra

[kinky j]

went to see c earlier, he was as overjoyed as i was though he did ask for my partner first (favouritism, it's great!) we had a lot of <'> and he told me about what he's been upto, in his own way. It was fab!!!

 

I was gutted when i had to leave but i don't think they'd have ever got him settled if i'd stayed much later. am going again tommorow so not too bad i guess.

 

have just e-mailed a local solicitors firm so am getting the ball rolling, though i'm mighty peeved as i found out that my ex is recruiting people i've fallen out with to badmouth me in court!! not too worried though as most of them will probably back down when i "casually inform" them that i'll be doing them for slander straight after the case. they're a bunch of deadbeats anyway so i don't think it'd actually get that far, any serious solicitor will steer well clear.

 

the only proffesional on his side is my old health visitor who kept telling me it wasn't asd, c was just deaf. i told her all along (from about 9mths) that she was wrong! there's nothing wrong with his hearing, you only have to try and sneek yourself a cakebar while he's out the room to know that!!!

 

how come all the bad things happen at once?

 

thank you all once again for your support, i'd have gone insane today without it. sending you all loadsa <'>

 

kinky j

[Mother in Need]

Hi Kinky, I hope you'll manage to wait till Tuesday, it''ll be a long weekend.

 

As for social services, I think they are down right crazy and haven't really got the best interest of the children at heart. An example of that: I was verbally attacked by them several times, in front of witnesses, because at one point I made a mistake and in my desperation to get him to school (I was too shattered to have him another day home, couldn't drive him in either, and simply couldn't cope) All sorts of meetings followed, they told me I had to take parenting classes, they wouldn't accept he was AS as he was still under assessment but had had no final diagnoses yet. The things they told me to do instead, were so totally useless (and dangerous too due to them ignoring his additional medical needs) they would have been laughable had the situation not been so serious. Once he was diagnosed with AS and ODD, did they back off. Then, at one point he seriously threatened his older brother with a knife twice, and my boys got pretty scared. When I mentioned this at a subsequent meeting, they simply brushed over it. I pushed it and said 'what about the saftey of his brothers, this is a child protection matter'. They still brushed it off, and I doubt it was ever put into their notes.... I'm sorry, but what is more serious, a child that gets pulled by the hair because of his mothers pure desperation for help, or 2 children who are threatened with knifes?

Needless to say we are now nearly a year later and SS have still not done a single thing.

 

If your ex abused you, he is not going to have a chance of getting the children; especially not if he also touched the children themselves. Explain it all to that solicitor, and he should sort it all out for you.

[kinky j]

aarrgghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! f***ing useless social services!!!!!!!!!

 

the social worker's car's f.u.b.a.r'ed and she couldn't get out to speak to the other boy's mum so she's had to re-arrange the appointment for 2moro. that means that c's got to go to his dad's as usual and i'm not gonna get him back now til thurs! i'm so angry and upset i just want to !!

i've been the only stable influence in c's life and now that's been compramised, i fail to see how that's in his best interests.

 

i've been visiting him as often as i can, but it's just not the same. it's really doing my head in as i just want to get things back to normal for all our sakes.

 

on the up-side, my ex's solicitor has told him he can't do anything without parental rights and is gonna write me a letter asking if i'll give him them which will recieve a big fat NO!!!! in reply

 

he says he's gonna take me to court to give a valid reason for not giving them but i think the fact that he was violent, hangs around with known stalkers and heroin addicts and hasn't paid a penny in maintanance in the 3 yrs his son's been alive should just about cover it, so looks like he doesn't have a leg to stand on. at least something's going my way

 

thank you all for being so suportive, i'll keep you all up to date.

 

kinky j <'> <'> <'> <'>

[ksasnic]

Oh kinky j I really feel for you.... so big <'>

 

just one things been niggling at me though and that is how did the social services know that he had bite marks ??

 

I wondered if its your ex doing all this so as to gain custody and shall we say 8 times out of ten for the child benefit, dla etc.. seek a professional who can help you with dealing with the social services quickly.. and in all things strike before he does...

 

fingers crossed for tomorrow

 

<'> <'> <'>

[yahoo]

just one question if he had bits on him and the ss where involved who was looking after the kids and there must of been some consern about your son in the frist place and your ex how come you still let your son go to him if he was so violent not trying to upset you just trying to understand the sit better as i am in a sim love yahoo

[kinky j]

hi yahoo,

 

c and his friend were being watched by myself, my partner and his friend's mum, they were going in between the front room and connor's bedroom (we were in a bungalow at the time so was all on the same floor and connor's room was next to the front room.) the bite marks occured on seperate occasions, one at a time, and each time they were seperated and they were calmed down before being allowed to play together again. the majority of the time they played really well together and sometimes would go days without any problems, it was only if they both wantd the same toy or if they did some thing to annoy each other (easily done with asd's) that they started fighting!

i wasn't aware of any concerns until social services got involved but apparently my health visitor had had concerns but this was only since my ex's new child was born (as she's his health visitor too) and i'm not sure if it's because he's been feeding her bulls**t because she was fine before, though i did have an argument with her as she insisted that c had hearing problems despite passing his 9mth test and a hospital test i'd requested when he was 2mths ( but saying that it was her referal to the local hearing specialist that got his asd dx, as she told me his hearing was spot on and refered him to the learning difficulties specialist with a general dx of social-comunicative disorder, so i guess i shold be grateful really!)

my ex was violent with me both before and during my pregnancy, but i genuinely believe that he'd never be like that towards c! i believe it was the result of us being in an unhealthy relationship (we'd been together since i was 15 and he was 16, and it was a very immature relationship and we didn't split up til i was 21) and as i am quite a pushy person i wasn't the easiest person to live with (it still doesn't justify his actions, i know, but it does make it more understandable as to why it happened.

c's now back living with me, though he's gone to his dad's for 2 nights at the mo, and we're just having to attend meetings and let ss keep tabs on us (which i don't really mind cos at least they'll actually get to see that we've got nothing to hide and aren't doing anything wrong!)

i hope this helps with your situ <'> , feel free to ask away if you have any more questions

 

kinky j

[onlycrazygal]

hi,

just quickly wanted to say im so glad you have your little boy back and there arnt any hiccups.....sounds like the ss are being reasonable with you , though there are plenty that arnt, im glad your staying positive about the whole thing. just be cautious with these ppl sweet, dont mean there out to do any harm but plz just be careful.......

big hugs,

paula x

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[yahoo]

thanks kinky j didnt mean to intrude hopjava script:emoticon('', 'smid_25')

smiliee to talk to you soon love yahooxxx