Promises and lies

[jb1964]

My daughter gets extremely upset over this.

 

I try my best now not to promise anything anymore as the consequences is usually a good few hours of hell over my 'lying'. Even though I've tried and tried to explain to her that I'm not lying - it is her interpretation of this and I'm finding it hard to get around.

 

I'm at a loss at how to get her to understand the reversal of this in terms that sinks in and she will accept.

 

When she's promised something she cannot break it even though it causes more anxieties. She feels the reverse i.e. if she breaks a promise then she has 'lied'.

 

For example she once told her English teacher she would be library supervisor during the lunch break the following day. The next morning came and she had a 'migraine' and was sick - she was far to ill to send to school (and will normally do anything not to go as she dislikes it so much) - yet she felt she had to go because she'd promised the teacher. I said I'd ring and explain - that wasn't good enough and she eventually went to school - only for me to have a phone call 2hours later to pick her up because she was still being sick.

 

Last night we had a similar problem again - she occasionally goes to a christian youth club and they pick her up - she has to ring to let them know. All tea-time she got upset because she couldn't get an answer and didn't know if they would call for her - eventually she got through and it was all organised. However, 5mins before they came her head started to hurt and she went very pale and started to fall asleep in the chair (which is so-o-o not like her) - I told her not to go but she couldn't because she said she'd go.

 

She eventually came home at the end - the lady in charge had walked her home because she'd been so concerned about her the whole time she was there - she said that she was so pale and looked like she was going to faint - but she refused to go home.

 

I just wondered if anyone else has managed to get round this somehow - so that they don't feel like they're breaking a promise and therefore 'lying'.

 

Many thanks,

Jb

[polkadotty]

My son (AS 8 yrs) gets the same way about me 'lying' if I said i'd do something, and something prevents me from doing it. I don't think i have a failsafe method for preventing meltdown, but he seems calmer about stuff at the moment.

 

I try to do a thing i call 'forward visualisation' with him: talking about how he will feel, andwhat he will do if something happens. Sort of a social story I spose. For example, I talk about what I want todo, and say tht I would really like to do this with him, but there may be reasons why it won't happen. Then i give him examples and say something like, " i expect i'll feel a bit disappointed, I wonder what i could do about that..." sometimes it works like a charm and we think of stuff together, so that he is sort of prepared.

 

 

And somtimes we just have meltdown. I think that the best we can do is explain things in as close to autie terms as we can, being logical and clear. But I do avoid promises, since they have a habit of biting me in the bum.

 

Dont worry though, sounds like you're doing a great job. WE don't get it right all the time, and we don't have to be perfect, just good enough. We're learning too.

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polkadotty

[Bullet]

Maybe you could tell her to preface her promises with "if I am able to".

[tmf]

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I know exactely how you feel we have had one huge meltdown tonight, with everything in sight thrown. Also hitting df.

 

And y......all because we said 'we would see' when asked to go on his ps2. I had to explain to him he had been on it for a while already today and that his time limit was up. He either needs a definate 'NO' or 'YES' we havenow discovered! He cannot compute anything in the middle.

 

This ASD is soo hard to understand, just when you think you have it sussed it comes and hits you hard in the face.

 

I really think the others have given some sound advice. I have just started a temporary parent class, so if pick up anything useful from there about this i will pm u.

 

Take care

xx

[Bullet]

I have to admit that promises mean a lot to me as well. I rarely promise something as I have to be sure I can do as the promise says.

[KarenT]

Maybe you could tell her to preface her promises with "if I am able to".

Good suggestion, but still a bit vague for some children. J likes to know exactly what the sequence of events will be to ensure that a promise is kept, eg 'When you have put your coat and shoes away they you'll be able to watch tv". He likes the element of control, knowing that he has to do X before I give Y. Even so, when the mood's on him it will still be my fault if he doesn't do X and I'll be responsible for making him unhappy, in his eyes. Sometimes you just can't win.

 

Karen

x

[jb1964]

I try to do a thing i call 'forward visualisation' with him: talking about how he will feel, andwhat he will do if something happens. Sort of a social story I spose. For example, I talk about what I want todo, and say tht I would really like to do this with him, but there may be reasons why it won't happen. Then i give him examples and say something like, " i expect i'll feel a bit disappointed, I wonder what i could do about that..." sometimes it works like a charm and we think of stuff together, so that he is sort of prepared.

And somtimes we just have meltdown. I think that the best we can do is explain things in as close to autie terms as we can, being logical and clear. But I do avoid promises, since they have a habit of biting me in the bum.

polkadotty

 

This sounds a good idea - going to give this a try.

 

I hardly ever promise anything anymore - unless I'm pretty certain it's going to happen.

 

I've tried the 'I'll see if I've got time' - which leads to what % do I think the chance of doing it will be and how long before I'll know and...and...and.....

 

If I say something off the cuff like 'I'll do it later when I've got 5mins' - in her eyes if I don't get round to it - I've lied again - I really try to think about everything - but sometimes the words come out automatically and you just think I can't believe I've just said it (again!!!).

 

Thanks all.

Jb