My ex is on the spectrum

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

 

My daughter J and I were at the Paediatrician a few weeks back, and he sat down and explained to J that her dad was on the Spectrum and why she had so much trouble communicating with him.

 

Everytime I read a post here on ASD I realise so many things about him. I found him very cold and aloof and J is experiencing the same behaviour and as we were talking to the Paediatrician he went into detail over it to us for over half an hour.

 

J felt he didnt love her, that she was the forgotten child, I hope this has brought her some comfort, that it has nothing to do with her.

 

B. is so similar in behaviours but more sensible in many others. The thing is B & J's dad isn't aware, thats why he found it so hard getting involved with the diagnosis when B was diagnosed and ran off to hide couldn't handle it. Still avoids the issue.

 

I realised on another level, I had to communicate with him in such a way all these years having learned his triggers and what could cause a meltdown.....I can't believe I couldn't see it until now.

 

Hailey

[Tylers-mum]

First off... lots of <'> <'> <'>

 

Secondly, you are not alone. I first came to this site looking for info to confirm that I was right about T's issues. I found everything here to back me up and eventually got a dx for him but on the other hand, I could also see that a LOT of what I read was also fitting for T's father too. I left him when I was pregnant b/c he was emotionally and physically abusive but now I've come to believe (as does the doc who dx'd T) that his dad is also on the spectrum. He was never one to give kisses but was ok to hold hands, he was VERY controlling and liked to be in charge, he loved the PC and would sit in my home for hours on the PC and totally ignore me, never said he loved me, nor did he ever say Thank You for the gifts I bought him. I never had any gifts from him and never felt wanted by him. He was never very social, only attending things that he was in charge of and he was very immature in many things he did, often liking to be around kids than adults his own age.

This and a lot of other things lead me to believe that he is also on the spectrum and T is very much like him.

 

You are not alone and I hope that J can find some comfort in knowing that her dad does love her, but in his own little ways. <'> <'> <'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Tylers Mum <'> <'> <'>

 

This sounds like B & J's dad in many ways - I was treated like a doormat.

 

Hailey <'> <'> <'>

[Tylers-mum]

Hi Tylers Mum <'> <'> <'>

 

This sounds like B & J's dad in many ways - I was treated like a doormat.

 

Hailey <'> <'> <'>

 

Ohhhhh YES!! I can totally relate to that one!!!

Partly one of the reasons I chose to leave him. Obviously didn't know of the poss dx then though, although his brother and nephew were known to be on the spectrum.

[ceecee]

I think sometimes once you come on here for one reason initially then the penny just drops and you suddenly see the wood for the trees

 

Hope this makes sense

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

Edited April 2, 2006 by ceecee

[elaine1]

aww i can totally emapthise with u on this one. I suspect my partner of being on the spectrum too he has no emotion really and never hugs the kids or tells them he loves them. I feel for them so much. If they hug him he will hug them back but they have to make the move first.

 

Also when i had four miscarriages he never spoke about them, he said he didnt want to upset me but i dont honestly think he knew what to say or do. My dad has just died (friday), and he hasnt said a word, he made my breakfast on saturday morning and thats the only 'consolation' I got.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Elaine,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your dad, <'> <'> <'> are you okay <'> <'> <'> you know they are going to go one day, but you never want to think it will come one day. Sorry to hear about this, my prayers are with you and your family through this very difficult time. <'> <'> <'>

 

Be gentle with yourself, grief affects us all in different ways

 

Thinking of you

 

Love

Hailey

[Mother in Need]

I too can now see so clearly that my ex is AS, everything has clicked into place over the last few months, it is all there. He ofcourse hasn't got a clue, and doesn't care what his son has. I hoped that if he read up on AS for his son's sake, he might recognise himself... 9 months later he still doesn't care.

Knowing this myself is helping though, I can now understand his behavioiur so much more and forgive him for some of the things he did or did not do. Also, when he sees the boys, I now interact differently with him, and basically treat him the way I do my AS son. This seems to be helping the situation a lot.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi

 

Its sad that they won't acknowledge it. I see my ex struggle in so many area's of his life, if only he read some books about it, he might be a whole lot more comfortable about it all, embracing who he is. Learning about it so he could benefit from this knowledge.

 

Everytime I tried to sit him down to get his attention, and show some of the reports from B, and even B taking his dad aside and trying to explain to him, "this is how hard it is for me dad", we got in a habit of lying to B's dad about his progress over the past three years- because he kept abusing B and telling him to pull his socks up. So B and I lied to him about how he was doing at school and college, just to keep the peace.

 

A week after I said to my ex look at these tests and assessments and listen to B. even my mum and partner gently put in their views, I suggested to my ex a really good book that will help him to understand B's world so he could be more supportive - all he could say was, look, I just can't read a book, I don't have time, I trust you and all that you are doing for B. and I am leaving it up to you.......

 

Then another week later all this has gone out the window and we are back at square one with B. what are you doing why don't you join the army. got B all excited about this idea.

 

Fortunately B sat with the Paediatrician and he advised that this wasn't right for B.

 

I only wish he would read the book, I think personally - he would be more accepting and comfortable within his own skin. Life is hard for him. I see him making the same mistakes over and over again, and possibly without realising why.????

 

Hailey

Edited April 3, 2006 by hallyscomet

[bid]

I have huge sympathy with all of you who have had problems with ex-partners who you believe to have AS <'>

 

BUT, can I just say that it is just as possible for adults with AS to be loving, affectionate and thoughtful. Our children are unique within their autism, and so are adults.

 

Bid

[Guest hallyscomet]

I have huge sympathy with all of you who have had problems with ex-partners who you believe to have AS <'>

 

BUT, can I just say that it is just as possible for adults with AS to be loving, affectionate and thoughtful. Our children are unique within their autism, and so are adults.

 

Bid

 

Thanks Bid, my boy is VERY loving, I call him my "sunshine" my gentle giant. His dad is "very loving too" but I could wring his neck sometimes as it is so important he listens to B.'s difficulties, but it just doesn't go in......I think he is so absorbed in himself. I hope you don't misquote me, I am not saying people with AS are like this, just my ex.....

 

<'> <'> <'> ASD people are the most loyal and loving people I have met.....I experience that first hand.

 

Just having a bit of a moan as usual. sorry

 

Hailey

[ceecee]

I personally don't think anyone was giving their partners etc a slating as such just highlighting the difficulties of having a relationship with someone with a.s.

 

Yes people with a.s. can be very loyal and very loving but equally as Hailey said they can be very absorbed in themselves and some of the things and behaviour displayed can be distressing.

 

There are pluses and minus in a.s. and there are two sides to the coin.I think that is apparent from reading posts on Krism.

 

 

I think most of us are aware just like n.t people there are good and bad points about a.s

[DaisyProudfoot]

The more I read on here, the more I read in books, the more I think it's me who has the AS. I don't think it's worth getting a dx for but ever since I came back from the Help! course last week so many things started to ring true.

 

I was a VERY awkward child, I found friends were just too much like hard work, I often look away from people I know even when I know they've seen me, I'm a dab hand at saying the wrong thing, I get panicky when things aren't going the way I plan them, I get worked up at too much change (although cope better than I did) - the list is endless really but you know how it goes.

 

I'm surprised my hubbs hasn't walked out on me a hundred times over - but he never has He just waits for the moment to pass and doesn't mention it again.

 

Strangely learning how to deal with my son is learning how to deal with myself too. Although I'm pretty certain I'm not as bad as him!

 

Ah well, you live and learn

[Kathryn]

Yes people with a.s. can be very loyal and very loving but equally as Hailey said they can be very absorbed in themselves and some of the things and behaviour displayed can be distressing.

 

I think self absorption is not exclusively an AS trait. NT's can also behave inconsiderately and in ways which are distressing to their partners. Learning what makes someone else tick, and being able to compromise when your partner's needs and feelings don't quite match your own, takes time and energy whichever end of the spectrum you're on. Just my opinion.

 

I'm sure people on the spectrum find their NT partners equally perplexing!

 

K x

[bid]

Brilliantly put, Kathryn <'>

 

Bid

[ceecee]

I think many people come on this forum when things are tough and not going well, to lok for help support and advice.This is human nature.Consequently their posts are possibly showing the negative points of a.s. rather than the positive.When things are going well possibly they wouldn't post so readily.Again this is just human nature and does not mean they are unaware of the positive parts of a.s.

 

I personally would hate to feel as though someone was going to jump down my throat if I said anything negative about a.s. When possibly I was pulling my hair out and looking for help support and advice.

 

I have generally found this forum supportive but there have been occasions when i have felt like this.

 

Anyway just my thoughts.Hope I haven't caused offense putting this point across.

[Guest hallyscomet]

The more I read on here, the more I read in books, the more I think it's me who has the AS. I don't think it's worth getting a dx for but ever since I came back from the Help! course last week so many things started to ring true.

 

I was a VERY awkward child, I found friends were just too much like hard work, I often look away from people I know even when I know they've seen me, I'm a dab hand at saying the wrong thing, I get panicky when things aren't going the way I plan them, I get worked up at too much change (although cope better than I did) - the list is endless really but you know how it goes.

 

I'm surprised my hubbs hasn't walked out on me a hundred times over - but he never has He just waits for the moment to pass and doesn't mention it again.

 

Strangely learning how to deal with my son is learning how to deal with myself too. Although I'm pretty certain I'm not as bad as him!

 

Ah well, you live and learn

 

Hi DaisyProudfoot,

 

There was a similar debate over here with parents finding so many comparisons in themselves when they attend these ASD workshops (especially when they say it is a genetic thing)

 

We also have this absolute jerk on the radio name withheld saying that there was no such thing as ADHD and he went on to say that if he did the test on everyone in the radio station - going through the checklist, everyone in the radio station would present as having ADHD.

 

 

What I have discovered is that many people can present all these ASD and ADHD traits - so soooo many jump to conclusions that oooh my gosh, I must have ASD or ADHD etc. But the difference is everyone can have these traits but each pointer is on a scale of one to ten, on how much that particular area affects the individual. Is the person mildly affected by this item on the checklist of 20 situation or do these things severley impact on the persons life.

 

This is how they do the comparison of Low Functioning to High Functioning Autism and also with ADHD some are mild requiring no medication and some are severe needing medication and special needs programs.

 

So tread carefully Daisy, its easy to over analysis ourselves, we all do it, then start blaming ourselves. No one is to blame. It just is......if it is who you are.......embrace the knowledge, its being in the dark that plays on our minds and does the most damage. If you get a result, love who you are.......

 

I came out of one of these workshops also and when I watched the video, I came out feeling really flat, thinking ooohhhh my gosh, my entire family is on the Spectrum....... no wonder they were soooooo unloving and distant when I needed them. But looking back I was over analysing things and realised like I said above, everyone can have traits of the spectrum, but it doesn't mean they have it.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Love

Hailey <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Cee Cee, thank you also - thats all I am trying to do, get some answers as the Paediatrician pointed out my ex's problems to my daughter, I am and always have been the one trying to pick up the pieces and feel it is unfair.

 

Hailey <'> <'> <'>

[bid]

Daisy, I have PM'd you <'>

 

Bid <'>

 

Ceecee...which bit of my post or Kathryn's post is 'jumping down anyone's throat'?? If you read them again, I hope you'll see that we are both just (politely) expressing a different opinion. Which is something this forum has always accommodated.

[ceecee]

I have no problems with someone expressing a difference of opinion.It is when someone is overly on the defense that it could then become a problem making people reluctant to post anything negative.This is not the first post this has happened.It happened a couple of days ago and someone was trying to get help for their husband who they suspected had a.s.

 

After a defensive post about a.s. the person trying to get some help got no further posts and consequently there was no further help or advice offered and the posts went to the bottom of the page.

 

I was just trying to make a point that on this forum you are going to have people saying many negative things about a.s. because they are trying to understand and get help and support and post when things are tough.

 

Anyway i think we have gone off the point of the original reason for this thread.

[mossgrove]

The more I read on here, the more I read in books, the more I think it's me who has the AS. I don't think it's worth getting a dx for but ever since I came back from the Help! course last week so many things started to ring true.

 

I was a VERY awkward child, I found friends were just too much like hard work, I often look away from people I know even when I know they've seen me, I'm a dab hand at saying the wrong thing, I get panicky when things aren't going the way I plan them, I get worked up at too much change (although cope better than I did) - the list is endless really but you know how it goes.

 

I'm surprised my hubbs hasn't walked out on me a hundred times over - but he never has He just waits for the moment to pass and doesn't mention it again.

 

Strangely learning how to deal with my son is learning how to deal with myself too. Although I'm pretty certain I'm not as bad as him!

 

Ah well, you live and learn

 

 

 

Have you read "Martian in the Playground" by Claire Sainsbury? At times it's like reading a diary of my own school days.

 

To digress slightly, this is one thing that has confused me since I first started to discuss Autism. Without wishing to restart the whole high/low functioning debate we had a few months ago, (where there was a kind on consensus that people are either Autistic or not, it just affected them in different ways) I am still struck by the number of people here who recognise a lot of Autistic traits in themselves, in many cases there are probably not enough traits (or thay are simply too busy getting on with life) for diagnosis as an adult to be an issue, but too many issues to dismiss as 'not autistic at all'? How many of us may have been assessed/doagnosed as a child had we been going through the school system today? I'm not sure where I'm headed with this question, I'm just curious.

 

Simon

[Guest hallyscomet]

The doctor that diagnosed my ex with Autism is a specialist Paediatrician and he has been seeing my son since he was 2 years old. He has been seeing my family for 16 years,and it was through these sessions with my daughter who is seeing him for a different reason. He finally came out and explained to my daughter about her father because she felt he didnt love her......

 

The thing is, we know it, but he doesn't and he is in his 50's. If he had taken the time to read some of these books I have been recommending all these years, he would have learned something about himself.

 

He always left it too me.... he always said the books were trash.....

 

For years I felt he was just an angry person, very unapproachable, walk carefully around this person.....I could never tell him about my sons condition as there was always this huge wall up, don't tell me don't don't don't.....

he sabotaged my self esteem whenever I tried to get support or understanding about why his child needed medication, why this and why that.....

 

When the Paediatrician finally came out with the truth..... I used to think he was just a b......d, but now I think...he just couldn't deal with any of this or us......

 

Meltdowns over simple things, the list goes on.......I think I am shell shocked that I could see it in my son but not my ex...... the Paediatrician had been observing myself and my ex for years, as well as my children, I would say my son is a moderate functioning autistic child. Before the MMR booster he was a HFA child, the regression my child went through, I needed his dad to listen and learn.

 

I don't know where his dad is on the spectrum, but all Iknow, is if he had known of his condition, his life could have been so much different. I am not going to be the one to tell him either.

 

For years I questioned whether I was the genetic connection, if someone said to me tomorrow I am I wouldn't be sad, I would think, ohhh, well that explains XYZ, I would be greatful to say thats whats wrong with me,...

But what my doctor explained is wrong with me is that I have been walking around with a lump in my throat for the past 16 years grieving, worrying about my son..... and his dad not even noticing the effect this has had on me......

 

Now my daughter is walking around feeling very similar because of her fathers lack of visual perception, communication. So for the first time in 16 years, he had to tell my daughter "this is who your dad is"and for the first time, I am talking about it......in a place that Ihope is safe to share this, as CEE CEE said, without being judged.

 

This is the grief and ASD in denial causes their family, its not the end of the world. Ionly wish I could say something to him, but Iknow all I will get vack is oh I am trying to poison his childrens mind against him. So Ichoose to saynothing, and all my daughter can do is say, I understand now why he treats me and our family like he does.

 

I started this thread to ask others how they got through this, not to offend anyone, there are parents having trouble with children with the condition, is it not okay to say what do I do now that I know someone in my family has the condition.

 

?????????????????????????????????/

 

Hailey

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hailey,

 

Would the peadetrician be willing to speak to your ex about the concerns he has? Perhaps if it came from a professional medic rather than from yourself it may help.

 

It is sad that you've all been through this when in hindsight things may have been different, but I guess if your ex doesn't want to know and prefers his life as it is the there's not a lot you can do.

 

Certainly I think telling your children is certainly be a good move for the future then at least they will learn to understand why their father is the way he is and how it may affect their own offspring in years to come.

 

You probably won't get this post until your morning as we're often like ships that pass in the night on here!

 

Hope everything goes OK <'> <'>

[Kathryn]

Hailey,

 

You haven't offended anyone by describing your own situation with your ex husband, and I hope you don't feel judged for doing so - there's no reason why you should. It is because this thread has strayed into generalisations about AS that conflict has arisen - nothing to do with the original subject of your posts.

 

I can identify with a lot of what you say about your daughter and her father: I've recently come to believe my own father may be on the spectrum, and that this could explain a lot of the problems between us over the years. Even though there will probably never be any confirmation of this, I feel a lot happier knowing it, it helps me to understand him better, and our relationship has improved as a result.

 

I hope your daughter comes to a similar point of understanding and acceptance about her father - I know she's going through a tough time at the moment.

 

K x

[Guest hallyscomet]

Thanks Daisy & Kathryn & Ceecee,

 

 

Will come back to this tomorrow, its after midnight, I feel much better reading your posts.

 

Take care, all the best

 

Hailey (we need a waving emoticon) good day / good night. <'> <'> <'>

[ceecee]

Kathryn

 

I too believe my father may be on the spectum.This is something that i too will probably never know for sure.

 

Mossgrove

 

i have not read martian in the playground but will endevour to do so.i recognise many a.s. traits in myself and would guess i too havea.s traits.In your post you actually described me to a 't'

 

Hailey I can so identify with what you are saying and will p.m. you.

 

I would like to think on this forum we are able to say negative things about a.s. without being judged. I am sure we all know that people with a.s present differently to each other as do n.t. people.

 

You only have to read through the many posts on here to see how distressing the condition can be but equally how loyal and loving people with a.s. can be.

 

The same would apply to n.t. people but this is a forum for asd so primarily i would say this is what gets discussed.

 

Hailey you don't offend me and i have a.s. traits myself.I know the plusses and the minusses .

 

 

Hailey <'> <'> <'> I understand exactly how you are feeling.Take care

Edited April 4, 2006 by ceecee

[baddad]

I have no problems with someone expressing a difference of opinion.It is when someone is overly on the defense that it could then become a problem making people reluctant to post anything negative.This is not the first post this has happened.It happened a couple of days ago and someone was trying to get help for their husband who they suspected had a.s.

 

After a defensive post about a.s. the person trying to get some help got no further posts and consequently there was no further help or advice offered and the posts went to the bottom of the page.

 

I was just trying to make a point that on this forum you are going to have people saying many negative things about a.s. because they are trying to understand and get help and support and post when things are tough.

 

Anyway i think we have gone off the point of the original reason for this thread.

 

 

Hi ceecee -

sorry to jump in on this one, but I actually find the tone of your post quite offensive too... If I'm understanding correctly, you seem to have found Bid's responses offensive and overly defensive in some way... To recap, she posted:

 

I have huge sympathy with all of you who have had problems with ex-partners who you believe to have AS

 

BUT, can I just say that it is just as possible for adults with AS to be loving, affectionate and thoughtful. Our children are unique within their autism, and so are adults.

 

and her subsequent post read:

 

Ceecee...which bit of my post or Kathryn's post is 'jumping down anyone's throat'?? If you read them again, I hope you'll see that we are both just (politely) expressing a different opinion. Which is something this forum has always accommodated.

 

I THINK the other post you refer to where someone asked for help with their husband was this one:

 

Hi, is there anyone out there with any coping stategies for dealing with a hubby with AS. He was diagnosed 4 years ago - aged 50 - and it has made no difference at all to his behaviour. He blames me for all his mistakes - I'm a BAD woman - and doesn't make ANY effort at all. Are they actually capable of realising that there is a problem? I am slowly, but surely, going MAD. HELP.

 

Is it just me, or does 'he doesn't make any effort at all' sound patronising to anyone else? And as for 'are THEY actually capable of realising that there is a problem?', erm... sweeping generalisation or WHAT??? They? THEY??

 

Check out the 'unreasonably defensive' answer that particular post got - from memory it said something like 'In my experience some NT people are equally capable of displaying such traits'... It's just possible the reason the thread died was because other people found it patronising and insulting too!

 

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is discourage anyone from posting their problems or concerns on the forum, or to paint a rose tinted image of the very VERY real problems that autistic/AS people face... What I do like to see, though, is some consideration in how those individual views are expressed. I'm NOT seeing that in many of the posts in this particular thread... I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions about which posts I mean......

 

L&P

 

BD

[Suze]

Hailey, <'> <'> , hope you have a good sleep, bet the sun,s shining with you tomorrow, it,ll be raining here probably .Take Care Suzex

[bid]

Hailey <'>

 

I know from reading your other thread that you are having a really tough time with your daughter's health difficulties I really hope that things turn a corner for you all very soon <'>

 

But one thing that does concern me (and please correct me if I've got the wrong end of the stick ) is the fact that a paediatrician 'diagnosed' your ex-husband, apparently without his presence or consent? And then talked about this 'diagnosis' to other people? Does your husband not have any right to medical confidentiality?

 

I'm not trying to offend you in any way, but it does look as though this is another example of the increasing trend to view (certainly adults) not as people who can face huge difficulties because of their autism, but as the actual 'problem' themselves

 

I do hope this isn't seen as overtly offensive or defensive by anyone on this forum...

 

Bid

[Guest hallyscomet]

Edited April 5, 2006 by hallyscomet