OTT reaction to name calling

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I'm feeling totally fed up tonight. Kai (7) was playing with the boy next door (10) this afternoon (this is the boy we've had alot of problems with before). They were playing on the trampoline and Kai must have done something to annoy the boy, so he started calling Kai names. This is something that has happened before and has always ended in tears. Today was no exception, Kai went absolutely ballistic and punched the boy. He carried on calling Kai names so Kai kicked him in the head (leaving a mark) .

 

My neighbour jumped in to intervene and shouted at Kai. Kai then started F ing and blinding and i had to drag him into the house. I then had 1/2 hour of meltdown and Kai saying that he didn't deserve to live because he is evil .

 

I have told Kai so many times to ignore when someone name-calls, but he said, "But the words just get into my ears and i get angry." He was really crying and saying that he can't remember to ignore .

 

Is this over reaction to name calling a common AS thing? It worries me that he'll end up in big trouble if he attacks people for name calling.

 

I'm at a loss what to do about the boy next door too. He can be a total wind up merchant and seems to like getting Kai into trouble. It's sad because Kai doesn't have any other friends out of school and sometimes they play so nicely. Our gardens join at the bottom too and it's so hard to stop them playing together.

 

Oh the joys,

 

Loulou x

[Richt]

I don't find Kai's reaction too extreme, if he's 7 and the other boy is 10 it's hardly bullying in the conventional sense (unless Kai is a very big 7 yr old or the other boy is a shrimpy 10.)

 

Sometimes boys need to work out the "pecking order" between themselves, no-one likes name calling, so kai defended himself, was the other boy badly hurt? Did his parents complain?

 

The aftermath is probably more important, boys will be boys, rough and tumble, but how has Kai dealt with it? I remember decking (planted, out for the count) another boy when we were playing a game that got out of hand, he never thought anymore about it, but it worried me for a long time, because I didn't understand where he was coming from, what the rules were.

 

Dunno if this helps of hinders

 

Richt

[loulou]

Hi Richt,

 

The other boy is a VERY skinny 10 year old and Kai is a huge 7! Saying that though it's always the other boy that picks a fight and he always ends up getting hurt. He has been bullied at school so i think he takes it out on Kai.

 

He was sporting a big shiner today, so i felt really awful. His Mum was ok about it (she has an autistic sister), but Kai has been "banned" from their garden for the rest of the week.

 

The boy has taken great pleasure in this and has tormented Kai today. Kai was very sweet and has apologised . To be honest i'd be glad if they put a 6ft fence around their garden!

 

Loulou x

[Elanor]

Hi Loulou

 

I really do sympathise with your problem, but I think you should plan on it getting worse. Kai is at a difficult age, when he's exposed to more and more pressures at school, and generally as he interacts more with other children. If he continues to respond with aggression - and outright violence - then you have to intervene.

 

It is also so very painful for Kai - he doesn't want to do this, he can't help it - and you need to make sure he's not put into a situation where he loses his control, because it is so damaging to him.

 

Unless you can be confident that Kai can learn to control his anger and to direct it elsewhere (my son uses a punchbag - but it took him 2 years to get used to using it, he used his brother instead) then you might have reached the stage where you either have to ban the other child from playing with your son, or always be there to supervise.

 

You don't need to tell me how unfair or unrealistic this is, I really know - but what choice do you have when your child gets violent with someone else's child, and you can't stop him?

 

I'm so sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear, but my fear is that things might not get better for a few years (I medicated my son from the age of 9 to control aggression).

 

Can you get any help from CAMHS in teaching your son how to re-direct his anger? You can do it with behaviour modification (ie rewards and punishments!) but it's a long haul. On a brighter note, I no longer need to supervise my son (he's 12) with other kids, he knows how to recognise that he is becoming angry, and how to deal with that (ie to walk away and take it out on the punch bag, or cool down with some music).

 

Take care - you can manage this, but it's so hard.

 

Elanor

[zaman]

Would it be worth putting up a fence between the gardens so that you can control how much he sees of this other boy?

[dayle1]

hi loulou

 

My son started hitting and kicking in year 3 always when some kid had done something to him like name calling or taunting. This continued through year 4. We and the teachers were constantly telling him to rather go and tell the teacher if someone annoyed him. We even made him some football cards which he could show to a teacher (white meant he felt ill, yellow meant he felt annoyed and red meant he felt angry)

this saved him having to speak when he was stressed out. He only used the white one but I think the cards gave him another option other than hitting or telling a teacher (which was too difficult for him). Currently he's in year 5 now and he hasn't hit anyone this year and he's gone and told the teacher when he's feeling angry. He has had a lot of praise from all the school staff for this and this has reinforced the communicating bit for him. It can be very worrying when they do these things. I still supervise my son quite a bit when in group situations.

 

Dayle

[DaisyProudfoot]

Martin really hates it when anyone calls him names especially "idiot" or "stupid" he just goes totally beserk and it can takes ages to bring him out of it. Mind, no one likes being called names and he calls us (his family) some pretty ripe names too. He can't seem to work out why it should be OK for him to name call but not anyone else!

 

Big Sigh!