Adult with AS

[Andrew H]

I have just discovered this site after looking about for a while for some information and would appreciate your comments on the situation with my brother.

 

He is the second oldest (35) of four of us (I'm the oldest) and for as long as I can remember, has always been considered "slow". He has always had difficulty communicating, even with us, has zero confidence and tends to prefer his own company most of the time, although he will occasionally get quite depressed about this situation.

 

He was married for a short time a few years ago but is now divorced. I'm not too sure how that ended as he doesn't really talk about it.

 

The main problem I seem to find with him is his complete lack of understanding of the concept of money. Despite being unemployed, he somehow managed to get a credit card and overdraft, which he promptly maxed out, having spent the majority of it on DVDs. He has done this several times before and we have always bailed him out but all this seems to do is give him carte blanche to do it all again. It's difficult not helping him out but I get the impression that we aren't helping by paying it off for him.

 

As far as I am aware, he doesn't even realise that he may have AS. What I would like to know is, is there any point in even trying to diagnose it? Would it do him any good to find this out or would it cause more harm?

 

If it would help, how can I go about finding out more, or getting him to try and find out some more about it? It's frustrating for me to watch, but it must be a million times worse for him having to live with if he doesn't know what is going on.

[Stephanie]

Hi, how's it going?

 

I have a son with possible AS - diagnosed with HFA, he is only 5 so I can't really relate to the adult stuff but thought I would have a go.

 

He sounds very stubborn ... lol.

 

Have you shown your brother any literature about AS or given him links to websites etc? What about getting the NAS to send him a pack of literature to his home.

 

There are so many books out there - and lots for adults with AS, including coping strategies (both for him and for family).

 

I think a lot of people on here have looked at literature and thought "wow that describes me" and they come to terms with it a lot better that way than being "accused" of having something to do with autism/mental health issues.

 

Also what do you mean by "slow" - what are the main problems?

 

If you think he has AS, you should also try to learn as much about it as you can, so you can try and tap in and understand his way of thinking and try to see things "his way".

 

You may be able to get him some help with regards to his money management etc.

 

Good luck, you are in the right place for advice, as there is a wealth of knowledge and experience in this forum!

[gladysmay]

I have just discovered this site after looking about for a while for some information and would appreciate your comments on the situation with my brother.

 

He is the second oldest (35) of four of us (I'm the oldest) and for as long as I can remember, has always been considered "slow". He has always had difficulty communicating, even with us, has zero confidence and tends to prefer his own company most of the time, although he will occasionally get quite depressed about this situation.

 

He was married for a short time a few years ago but is now divorced. I'm not too sure how that ended as he doesn't really talk about it.

 

The main problem I seem to find with him is his complete lack of understanding of the concept of money. Despite being unemployed, he somehow managed to get a credit card and overdraft, which he promptly maxed out, having spent the majority of it on DVDs. He has done this several times before and we have always bailed him out but all this seems to do is give him carte blanche to do it all again. It's difficult not helping him out but I get the impression that we aren't helping by paying it off for him.

 

As far as I am aware, he doesn't even realise that he may have AS. What I would like to know is, is there any point in even trying to diagnose it? Would it do him any good to find this out or would it cause more harm?

 

If it would help, how can I go about finding out more, or getting him to try and find out some more about it? It's frustrating for me to watch, but it must be a million times worse for him having to live with if he doesn't know what is going on.

[gladysmay]

Hello AndrewH,

 

I am new to this site and looking for answers to so many questions but maybe I can talk about my experience with my 19 year old son who was only diagnosed less than a year ago. I went through circles for many years suspecting my son had AS but not wanting to label, no one else thought he had it so it made it even harder for me to push for a diagnosis, but, without it we were in no mans land, a kind of twilight zone. As soon as I started to realise he could have AS I just went ahead and behaved as though he did and adopted some of the strategies suggested and they seemed to work, so this provided me with more insight. If you speak to the NAS they might be able to suggest ways for you to introduce the information about AS to your brother, not all people with AS will welcome this news so do seek advice, it is not enough to just ask him if he thinks he has AS as he might have a different take on things. My son was angry and had a process of acceptance to go through but he is now managing his own sense of self and place in the world armed with this information. I hope this helps, as I say, I am still on a huge learning curve on this subject, best wishes.

[baddad]

Hi andrew -

I'm a bit confused by your post, because I can't see anything in there that would point you toward feeling that your brother might have AS..

Bit slow/prefers his own company/lacks confidence/bad money management?... I'm not saying you're wrong, but none of the info you've given sounds particularly AS! People. like liquorice, come in allsorts, and it may well be that your brother is just different to you and the rest of your family for no other reason than that... I think one thing we ALL have to be careful of is that our assumptions about other people - whether right or wrong - MAY not be welcome, and handing your brother a variety of leaflets on AS could be incredibly intrusive and (from his POV) insulting...

Not knocking your desire to help/support your brother in any way, BTW, but I do think the information you've given has more to do with how YOU perceive his life rather than how he may view it... He may not actually 'have' a problem with it, and may actually find your value judgements of his life quite belittling (?)

Talk to him and find out how he feels about his life, and if he's generally happy with it the way it is, perhaps you need to shift your perspectives to accommodate that...

As I said, not knocking your motives whatsoever - looking out for your brother is something we see too little of these days, but I think in so far as AS and DX is concerned, you should proceed with caution and make sure that your input is actually welcome...

 

Hope that's helpful in some way

L&P

 

BD

[Andrew H]

Hi,

 

Thanks to everyone for taking time to reply to this post. I'll try and answer some of your points as best I can.

 

Hi andrew -

I'm a bit confused by your post, because I can't see anything in there that would point you toward feeling that your brother might have AS..

Bit slow/prefers his own company/lacks confidence/bad money management?... I'm not saying you're wrong, but none of the info you've given sounds particularly AS! People. like liquorice, come in allsorts, and it may well be that your brother is just different to you and the rest of your family for no other reason than that... I think one thing we ALL have to be careful of is that our assumptions about other people - whether right or wrong - MAY not be welcome, and handing your brother a variety of leaflets on AS could be incredibly intrusive and (from his POV) insulting...

 

Maybe I haven't explained it particularly well, but having read some sites, as Stephanie says, some of the symptoms seem to describe him to a tee. EG when I say he prefers his own company, he has very little communication skills and so, finds it easier to be on his own. When I spoke of his poor money skills, he really has no concept of the value of money or how to deal with it. I have poor money skills but I realise that if I spend it, it needs to be paid back; he doesn't.

 

I am reluctant to say to him, in case he reacts in exactly the way you have said, so I would rather know as much as I can about it before I even broach the subject with him. If I read a bit more about it and decide that maybe I am wrong then I wouldn't mention it to him.

 

Not knocking your desire to help/support your brother in any way, BTW, but I do think the information you've given has more to do with how YOU perceive his life rather than how he may view it... He may not actually 'have' a problem with it, and may actually find your value judgements of his life quite belittling (?)

 

Trying to get information from him is quite difficult as he tells you very little, even if I try and ask him directly. He does seem to confide in my other brother a bit and he is definitely not happy with the way his life is. I had always thought that he was quite happy with his life the way it was and I was surprised to be told that the didn't enjoy it. I remembered an article in a newspaper from several months before and started to search the internet for some more information and as I read it, it did sound like him. If he was happy with his life then I would be delighted for him but it's because he isn't that I am trying to find something to help him.

 

Finally, in answer to Stephanie's question, "Also what do you mean by "slow" - what are the main problems?"

 

He always struggled at school in every subject, from the start of primary school through to the end of secondary school. It wasn't through a lack of trying on his part, as he tried his best. Even today, his mathematical and linguistic skills are very basic.

 

For some reason the one thing he is good at, is remembering song titles and artists. He has always been really good at that and that was another thing that gave me a small clue that he may have AS.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your comments. I'll read some more and see what else I can find out before deciding if and how I should approach it with him.

[Stephanie]

Maybe you need help from someone on here who has AS - an adult and I hope that someone posts something to assist.

 

(I like the licorice allsorts comment - I may use that)

 

Can I just ask what you are hoping to achieve by getting him diagnosed? Is it purely help with monetary issues etc. I guess money is quite an abstract concept in terms of it the way we use money that isn't really there etc, some AS people find calendars and time quite abstract too.

 

Would writing a confidential letter to his Doctor be appropriate?? Even if just to mention about his depression?

 

Could any adults with AS reading this, please respond.

[bid]

I can only agree with Baddad on this one.

 

Andrew, while you obviously care a great deal for your brother, he is an adult of 35, and whether he has AS or not, needs to be treated like an adult of that age.

 

Perhaps a good place to start might be to establish better communication generally, so that you can get a better 'feel' for your brother and his life...without having possible AS as a reason, just because you genuinely want to get to know him better??

 

I do hope I haven't offended you, Andrew...

 

 

Bid

[Andrew H]

I can only agree with Baddad on this one.

 

Andrew, while you obviously care a great deal for your brother, he is an adult of 35, and whether he has AS or not, needs to be treated like an adult of that age.

 

Perhaps a good place to start might be to establish better communication generally, so that you can get a better 'feel' for your brother and his life...without having possible AS as a reason, just because you genuinely want to get to know him better??

 

I do hope I haven't offended you, Andrew...

Bid

 

Guys, no offence taken. I'm just exploring possibilities. I have no idea what I expect to achieve by getting a diagnosis, maybe in my clumsy way I thought that it would help him and help us, ie his family, if there was something that could explain why his life is the way it is.

 

I try to let him live his own life, but as I seem to have been looking out for him since he was the year below me at school, it is difficult.

 

Thanks for all your responses.

[gladysmay]

Hi AndrewH, looking out for someone all your life is tough. I am sure you will come to some conclusion that works for everyone. best of luck.

[florrie]

Hi Andrew, I am an adult with hyperlexia and AS, with a son with HFA, I had a lot of depression before dx of my son and after because once he was dx all he received was predjudice, when i was seeing a psychologist for my depression, she told me mos AS people end up in prison, I was devastated, I decided I wanted mine dx as I thought theyn they would listen to what I understand and it took me several years as the medical profession acted in utter in disbelief, first of all they refused to acknowledge dx and now they acknowledge it they treat me like a dingbat and speak to me slowly etc and made me feel even worse than before, it hasn't brought any support or understanding of our particular probs, so i sometime think it has made things worse although not everyone experiences what I have and it is getting better in some places.

 

Good luck with what ever you decide, but my gut feeling is dx of your brother may make things worse unless it is his choice, and it wont necessarily give you support, but if it makes it easier for you to understand or communicate with him maybe it would be the right thing