Making friends

[lindy-lou]

Do your kids want to be friends with people or do they have no interest in other children?India really wants to be friends with other little girls but then she is unable to maintain what is expected from 2 way play,she does not get imagination but does try,but it always leads to tears and tantrums,and more often than not she just goes off on her own,i have also heard her wind other kids up and just not been bothered in the slightest that she is upsetting them,she has developed 2 imaginary friends,who she talks about so realistically its hard to believe they are not real people,i am concerened whats going to happen in september when she starts full time primary and has to cope with playtimes and being there all day,she is being assessed at nursery by the autistic teaching services at the moment but i think what they see of her in nursery to what she will be like in school is very different.

[kirstie]

<'> Hi Lindy-lou!

Lewis used to go through this at Nursery too. He would either try and play with the other kids but it had to be on his terms and would dominate the play, causing many difficulties. He would kick off that much the kids would avoid him if they could, or run for cover when he went into meltdown. Either that or he would play by himself and it didn't seem to bother him. He just didn't have the social skills to realise that some things are about sharing and turn taking.

The other thing though is his imaginary friends! He has loads!! Don't worry about it. Many kids with or without an ASD have them. I would always go along with it, to the extent we would have to open the car door for 'jimmy' or put his seat belt on him and even chat with him at the dinner table. I remember once asking 'Jimmy' if he wanted any dinner and Lewis replied "He's not real you know MUm!" made me look a bit of a plank, but they do realise they're not real or at least Lewis does. The time we went to Town (it's rare!) he had about seven of his imaginary friends with him on the bus. He got very angry with the woman who got on and 'sat' on them. I have come to realise these friends appear when he is quite stressed out. Couldit be the same for India?

Anyway Lewis is at School now and he seems to have matured as well as learnt a little more about social skills and is doing very well. He isn't in Mainstream primary though so he does have a lot of help. He has friends and sometimes he does prefer to be alone or with the adults but that's ok, when he feels ready he will play with the kids. Is India going to have support at School? What about SALT? because they could make her up social stories if she needs them.

School is a major step for them, so if she needs the support make sure she gets what she deserves. As for the imaginary friends, they'll disappear as soon as they arrived!

[Bagpuss]

Our dd also likes to play on her terms. She was quite solitary at nursery, and when she did play? with other children it was mainly in a disruptive way (ie she would throw their toys on the floor or scream for it). She began full time school in Sept and although she still tends to be solitary, she will tolerate a child playing with her or alongside her. We actually went to the school to observe her at playtimes to put our minds at rest (she wasn't able to see us) . She seemed very settled, sometimes playing alone, sometimes playing with other children with games like running up and down the hills, or hiding in the bushes. She is watched closely by the staff, as she has muscular dystrophy aswell, so tends to fall easily.

[lindy-lou]

I dont actually mind the imaginary friends!!i had 2 when i was little as well,but i do get the feeling that she is making them up to compensate for the lack of real friends,she doesnt really understand how an imaginary friend works either as she points to random people and says "thats chelsea" or "thats amy" ,she has even gone up to a girl and called her chelsea before She also calls people her best friend when they have maybe only smiled at her before,never spoke to her,she has a friend at school called Jane but all they seem to play is chasing each other,which seems to be the only thing india "knows" how to play,we had a little girl move in next door and she is now indys friend as well,india thought she wouldnt be able to be friends with jane now she was friends with jade,this friendship is becoming very strained as they just fight non stop,It has to be indias way or the highway but the little girl is very strong willed and refuses,more often than not though Indy drops her like a hot brick and isolates herself while the girl begs her to be friends and play with her,i do fear this is going to be the continium into school

[justamom]

I She also calls people her best friend when they have maybe only smiled at her before,never spoke to her,

 

My son does this all the time, just yesterday he was going swimming and on the way in the car i heard a conversation he was having with his friend. He said I hope L is there, she is my best friend you know. His mate said to him but Keegan you have only spoken to her once how can she be your best friend????

[KATHY BLAIR]

I hope I have got this right - but your little girl has Aspergers? My little girl also has Aspergers she is seven now and was diagnosed when she was 4 (at the end of her preschool year). We were fairly certain that she had it though before she was diagnosed.

 

If you take a look around the children in your daughter's nursery, you will find that many of the children in her age group are struggling to make friends. When Rachael was at this stage I would have had many of the same concerns as you have, but you may be surprised how things will change. Playing, for many children at this age is a self-centred activity and the true benefits of enjoying the play experience together haven't set in yet.

 

School will be much different to nursery in many ways and you may be surprised how she makes the transition. Play will become a lot more structured in school and there will not be so much free time to have to think about what to play. They are actually in the playground for relatively short periods of time and some schools are very good at structuring this time also. She will "enjoy " the structure in school as this will be less stressful for her.

 

Will she have a statement going into school? We did not have a statement at that stage, but Rachael's teacher initially limited the amount of time she spent unsupervised in the playground. Her classroom assistant now gives one to one supervision in a discrete way and is there to step in if there are any difficulties. We also gave her small toys which she could hold in her hand, or a little colouring book and pencils that she took into the playground. We found that this also had benefits because some of the other children would have taken an interest in what she had and this acted as a motivator for play. You may or may not agree with this, but if there was a "playground craze" like aliens or scoubies and so on we encouraged her interest in it as it gave her something in common with the other children.

 

Talk to her loads about friends; read her books about what friends are and how you can share with them, how you play nicely with them and keep reenforcing them - showing her examples of whne she has done this. Have a child form nursery for a short structured play session, where you help them to choose what to play and how to play nicely. What you have got to remember is that her tolerance of playing one to one may be quite low at first - build it up. Recognise that there are times, maybe at lunchtime, where she needs some down time alone, and that is fine. Try not to show any anxiety around this to her (as I did and probably made things worse).

 

We had terrible problems with Rachael initially, but a calm and positive attitude wil help resolve this. Until Christmas this year, Rachael did not want to stay in over lunch. She now has the option of not going out at lunchtime with her friends (which she never takes), she has supervision ina discrete way. She walks to the end of the street now with her friends after school to meet me - last year we wouldn't even have imagined this.

 

There are still problems in understanding friendships and so on, as one of my posts shows. But on looking back to the nursery, with the right help and support she has come such a long, long way! Yes there is still a long way to go, but sometimes reflection helps you to see how far along the road you have come already.

 

There is a firend out there for all of our children - she just hasn't found hers yet