School phobia

[curra]

After the series of unfortunate events at school (described in my thread about exclusion), M is now totally phobic about going to school. He feels sick, has lost his appetite and has no breakfast, he has been begging me every morning not to take him to school because he's afraid. He was at home poorly for 2 days, then went back to school yesterday and it was OK. But today, he was afraid again, then hemade his best effort to go, I took him to school by car and ... he just couldn't get out of the car! I had to bring him back home because it would've been impossible for me to drag him out since he's bigger than me!! He's not pretending, I can tell by the expression of fear on his face. So things really got from bad to worse after the exclusion. He's getting more support at school but he's still too afraid to face the other boys. He calls himself an "idiot", a "failure", "ugly", "fat" (nothing of this even close to be being real), and he doesn't want to hear me say all the qualities he's got.

Who do you think is the best person to turn to for help? Counsellor - the emphasis has been too much on his bad behaviour IMO and M feels not understood . EWO? I've got no experience with them and have no idea how they can help, but I guess the school will have to take that initiative.

 

Curra <'>

[Brook]

Curra <'> <'>

 

Your boys self esteem has hit a very low point, this is what they should now be focusing on,

he needs to feel 'safe' in his environment for him to function, and obviously he feels anything but!

 

My sons self esteem went dramatically downhill at mainstream, I ended up pulling him out and

home edding, he is now in a special school where the emphasis is on 'praise and rewards' for the

smallest efforts, he comes out telling me all about his day (something he would never have done

before, he would come out very subdued and crying at a drop of a hat, he would also say he

was a 'bad person').

 

I know this is not any help to you, but they have GOT to start building his confidence up,

and working with these other boys as well, he cannot function if he is in a permanent state of

fear and confusion at school.

 

Now, I know that YOU know this, but they have got to start doing something about it!

 

I really feel for you both. <'>

 

Brook

[Flora]

curra <'> <'>

 

Your poor lad, I was almost in tears reading that. School phobia is no joke and I can't really see what the EWO can do. This is the big difference that someone pointed out the other day between phobia and refusal.

My son was school phobic; he never refused to go, he would be ill with anxiety the night before and in the mornings but stoically continued to attend. He coped by opting out completely by becoming totally passive in school but I could see it getting to the stage where it was becoming physically impossible for him to go. He's now signed off on the sick.

 

I'm not suggesting that your son should be signed off, but if you have a sympathetic GP or are in contact with CAMHS then it will be worth discussing it with them.

 

I was very sad reading your post about the real and obvious fear your poor son has got. <'> You must talk to your GP or consultant.

 

Hope he's ok

 

Lauren <'>

[curra]

Brook,

I 'm so glad you found a solution for your son. M is not statemented yet, the school has taken 2 years to realise that he needs one, so they have just requested a statutory assessment. That doesn't take mys son's stress away though, which is due to teasing/bullying and the school not being on top of this. M went to school today, saying he was not feeling very well. Fridays seem to be a bit easier for him. I hope next term he can go to another school with a unit, once he gets the statement, in the meanwhile I'll insist with the counsellor to build his confidence up. I don't expect more from the school apart from the statement, because they have a one- size- fits- all approach, so no hopes for a boy like mine.

Take care! <'>

 

Lauren,

 

What your son went through sounds a lot like mine. M used to like going to school during the primary years, in spite of the bullying he constantly suffered, because he enjoyed learning. Now it's not the case anymore. He's so afraid of being ridiculed and rejected that he can't find much interest in the subjects. It's just incredible that some teachers can be so blind to what really goes on between the children! His tutor said to me, " It's also that if someone looks at him, M interprets it as teasing". This is so untrue, M is the type who won't say a thing at school and talk about it only at home.

 

I spoke to the GP and she told me to discuss the problem with the school and that if I leave him at home it would be truancy. The peadiatrician and the counsellor may be more understanding. I hope that I am able to express clearly what the problem is because I tend to get nervous too.

 

Thanks both of you for your replies! It makes me feel a lot better to know that you've been through something like this and could find a solution.

 

 

Curra <'>

[Brook]

Curra <'>

 

I sincerely hope that you get the statement and are able to get your son into a more

suitable placement, you both deserve that.

 

Brook <'>

[Zemanski]

Com has been through exactly the same, we seemed to have been getting there with him at school when he was excluded and it knocked him right back.

 

Immediately after the exclusion he was signed off sick for 2 weeks and it took us 3 to get him back in. He then developed OCD symptoms and after another month we felt it couldn't carry on and he is now off till Sept. and we're trying to sort out provision, probably home based as he is so much better at home and there's no specialist placement in our LEA or in neighbouring LEAs.

 

the GP has been very sympathetic, yours doesn't sound like she understands at all, and CAMHS and the LEA specialist have helped loads.

 

you do need a sick note if you're going to keep him off - try ringing his paed if the GP won't do it

 

Z

[Glock]

My 14 year old has been through a very similar experience and has now been withdrawn from school until September. Our LEA has put in a bid to the NAST team who are going to see him at home/school in September to help to boost his self esteem and encourage him back into school. From what I understand they work in 6 week blocks with your child as necessary and then it can be ongoing if need be.

 

Its all very daunting isn't it?!?

 

Hang in there!

[justamom]

Hang in there curra, and try and see either the GP or the Paed because like my son he needs to be signed off... I also get nervous so try and rehearse what you want to say to the gp before hand, write it down and maybe take some info on ASD for the gp to look and it also shows that you know what you are talking about...

 

My heart goes out to you and your lad all the best <'>

[denise2]

Our son was exactly the same 18 months ago. I really believe he was on the verge of a breakdown, and his self esteem could not have got much lower. We felt we had nothing to lose, so we took him out of school and started home educating. Initially it was hard work and we had to win back his trust again. After 9 months we had a visit from the LEA but when she mentioned the word school he broke down in tears and she told us we could not send him back as he would not cope, she agreed to come back later this year to see the progress. Well this year he started learning, his confidence and self esteem are really good and his behaviour has improved. The paediatrician is so pleased he has put him on annual appointments. He saw the G.P. for the first time in 6 months the other day and he told us he was amazed at his confidence given his difficulties and his age.

 

The trauma is still there, as his sister started at the school last September we have to go to collect her and he copes with that, however sports day caused major stress so we didn't go to the next event and we had to pop into the school the other day and the previous behaviours came back for 24 hours.

 

I know home education isn't for everyone but it saved our son, he was so traumatised he would not even consider a teacher coming in to the house and he still won't. He knows he has the option of returning to school if he so wishes, and we have recently been abe to discuss that option rationally, but I don't believe he will ever be able to go back.

 

Good Luck and I hope things work out for you.

 

Denise 2

[curra]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts!. <'> <'>

 

I've been to a second GP, the pead and talked to the counsellor. It's hard tp believe but this time it was the school who showed more understanding than the other people involved. They agreed that DS needs a week at home. So M has been here doing nothing, apart from talking about his interests and feeling frustrated with everything. He has not only school phobia, but also (in MO) agarophobia because he's terrified of going out. This is real, he had a mega meltdown the other day because I sort of forced him to go out for a walk. He was so terrified that I had to walk him back to the car holding his hand (he's 1.65 m tall...)

 

The GP said that I can leave him at home but he didn't sign him off, so it would be my responsibility. The Pead. was too busy sorting my other concerns so he only advised me to give him Risperidone again and to take the school phobia to the counsellor. Talked to the counsellor, who insists that M is more naughty than AS, and that he's making all this up to stay at home... I won't accept that, so I have been writing down some things to talk about in the next sessions, and now I'm so angry that I feel like ending this counselling which hasn't helped very much anyway... But I'm worried that it could be a bad move to do it right now because we are in the middle of the assessment and we need CAHMS support (whether they are supporting the Assessment or not is not really quite clear to me. ).

 

I'm not sure about home education because my DS is getting too challenging with me and he might end up learning nothing. I have all my hopes in the statement and moving him to another school in the next term.

 

<'> <'> Curra

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Curra,

 

Do you remember my posts about B going through this, it is exactly the same. Counsellor is good but eventually even the counsellor and Paediatrician agreed my son needed to take Luvox, for his anxiety, other techniques that are helpful are deep breathing, and say to your son when they are feeling fearful try and think of anything but what they are worried about, like anything that makes them happy, even some music or look at the trees, listen to the birds.... focos on different colours like in the rainbow.

 

Music therapy is something I completely forgot about and they are allowing my son to take a Ipod to listen to while he is working. They are also providing him with a room he can go and chill out in and watch a video if he is having a panic attack. He gets a lot of comfort from stimming a lot of kids do the hand flapping etc, something that really helped my son was a basketball. He spins this on his finger and finds looking at it really soothing.

 

Shooting hoops, perhaps they can allow your child to take some time out to shoot some hoops. Talk to the counsellor about this, but if your counsellor is saying this is more naughty than AS - get someone above this counsellor or find another one. They use that comment way too often with AS kids and 90% of the time they are wrong...... after all counsellors are not qualified to make a judgement like that, a Psychiatrist or Paediatrician yes but not a counsellor.

 

Hope this helps - most importantly in sound therapy is music like Mozart or guitar music. My son loves listening to Joe Satriani, he finds his guitar music really soothing.

 

Regards

Hailey.

[curra]

Hi Hailey,

 

I've missed your posts, glad you're back to the forum <'>

M is having a breakdown, he's terrified of going out, has nightmares about school and violence, and gets very frustrated and aggressive about nothing. Music has a fantastic soothing effect on him. He loves baroque music (and no other) which has calmed him down a lot during this week. But he doesn't let me say anything to him when he feels anxious, he says that even the sound of my voice irritates him more...

Much of his frustration comes from the fact that he 's suddenly realising that he's different to his peers, also in not being able to play games and sports.

I think that M needs a therapy aimed at sorting his mood problems and not so much to constantly emphasize what he's doing wrong as it's the case with his counsellor. It's not building his self-esteem at a time when he needs so much support. I'll insist on this point to the counsellor, I hope that she understands.

 

At times like this I find it hard to be strong because I feel so sad that I can't help him as much as I would like.

He has to go back to school tomorrow... I dread the thought of it more than M. He'd love to take his Ipod but it could be worse if his classmates took it from him and broke it, it has happened with other things that M has taken to school. I have also asked for a room where he could go and chill out but the school say that they cannot provide it ( they don't have enough rooms).

 

Thanks for your good advices

Take care <'> <'>

 

Curra

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Curra,

 

I have missed you all too <'>

 

I was encouraged to talk with the teachers especially in high school and explain to them how important it was for my son to sit near the class nerd genius, they were often very helpful if he was struggling and also to seat him close to the teacher or front of the room so if anything happened they could keep a close watch.

 

If not an ipod even an old walkman or cd player. the teacher could take charge of it. It is a big comfort to know they can even step out of the class room and listen to it to chill out for 5 -10 mins before returning to class.

 

My son like yours would reach overload, need to escape. He found this really effective in Year 6, I stopped it when he went to high school, now I wish I hadnt as it is the one thing thats helping him go back to college.

 

When they have meltdowns at home, they need absolute calm, a safe place to fall no disturbances, my son could be quite brutal with words - I would walk away ignoring then go back in 20 mins put a hand on his shoulder and say I love you, he would automatically say, sorry mum, you are the best mum in the world, I dont know why I get like that, its just the way they are wired. I remember Daisy Fulkirk described this beautifully in some of her posts.

 

Sensory overload - lights are brighter noises louder, it affects their moods. They are also saying a combination of fish oils and evening primrose oils are helpful, I have had my son on these for about 4 weeks and he does appear a little calmer.

 

Hang in there, dont forget to look after you Curra,

 

H.

 

N.B Just wanted to add Curra, those class nerds 'the good kids' are still his friends today and still include him whenever they have a computer get together. They are so kind and caring and understanding of his behaviours and random comments. So this is one of the best things I did, it certainly paid off.

Edited July 9, 2006 by hallyscomet

[curra]

M stayed at home for a week and went back to school but he's at home again today after he felt so afraid that he "had an accident" on the way to school (pee).. The school is again seeing it as only bad behavoiur and truency, they just can't grasp that M has AS, same as the counsellor, only because his language is good. Why can't these people grasp his communication difficulties, how he misunderstands others. misconstrues what is being said to him and why he is so impulsive?.

 

On top of it M also denies that he has AS and expects me to help him without a diagnosis.

 

Sometimes I wish I could SCREAM!!!!

 

Hailey, Thanks for your post. Hope your son is doing well at college, why can't he take a walkman with him?

Take care

 

Curra