Self esteem updated

[marshmallow]

My DS was so proud of himself yesterday, as were we, because he let go of me in the swimming pool for the first time, which was a major achievement for him. He wanted to tell his teacher this morning, with my hel as he stuggles to share news. However, when we went to school there were quite a few other children with their swimming certificates, medals etc and no one seemed that impressed with his achievement. He has always struggled with his self esteem. We have tried giving him certificates for things before as suggested by his psychologist, but these were ripped up in a melt down, due to the facy that 'they don't count' if they are from us, according to him. He struggles with his school work and is behind in that, though I think he is doing really well and he does try really hard. We do our best to make him feel confident with his own abilities but it getting harder. Any suggestions please? Its heart breaking to hear him say "I try my best Mummy" when he sees others getting recognised for their achievements. I'm proud of him.

Edited July 20, 2006 by marshmallow

[Jill]

Perhaps you could have a quiet word with whoever it is that hands out the certificates to other kids, explain the situation and see if they are able to do certificates for your son.

 

You could perhaps devise a set of things for him to achieve & get certificates ready for when he does achieve them. You could design these yourself at home, but give them to the "certificate issuers" at the swimming pool, so that they are giving them to your lad so he gets that real sense of achievement.

 

I think what he has achieved is brilliant by the way - very brave to do this I reckon. (((())))

Edited June 23, 2006 by Jill

[KarenT]

J has issues with self esteem as well - he has unrealistic expectations of himself and often calls himself stupid because he's failed to achieve. J doesn't see that he could make a genuine mistake or forget so with these things happen it has to be (in his eyes) because he wasn't clever enough. He self harms regularly when these failings upset him.

 

One thing I've done is to type up a list titled All The Things I Love About J and have pinned it up in his bedroom. If he's having a bad time with self esteem we'll sit together and read it through - it reminds him (and me) of all the good things about him and helps to relieve some of the anger.

 

On occasions such as the one you're describing I've sometimes told J that his achievement is greater than the others' because he has had to try so much harder. Maybe the other children are naturally good at swimming without much effort - your boy has had to work really hard to gain his confidence and that's a far bigger achievement than for someone who already feels comfortable in the water. I tell him that real bravery isn't about having no fear but being scared witless and trying anyway - that's what your boy did, but the others don't have to work as hard at it as he did. Tell him from me that he's done amazingly well.

 

I like the idea of your own certificates but it's a shame it didn't work long-term with your boy.

 

 

Karen

x

[Flora]

marshmallow... this is one of the things wrong with some mainstream schools, independent and state alike. The sporty types and high flyers get loads of recognition and the best parts in plays etc... while those that struggle don't get much at all. I find this insiduous assault on the self esteem of some kids very hard to swallow and it's something that I have raised with schools often.

 

I think it boils down to the attitude of individual teachers. I remember Luke coming home with a trophy and certificate for some tiny achievement when he was in year 1.... he had the most lovely teacher and I don't think I've ever met one quite like her since then. He was absolutely bursting with pride and it was really

 

It's very difficult to get the balance right; but there must be a balance but you rarely see it. What your son has achieved has taken more effort than the kids who managed to get badges and certificates for swimming... he has begun to overcome what is obviously a phobia and he should have masses of praise and recognition to encourage him further... and not just from you...

 

to your son. I hope you can get his school to open their eyes.

 

Lauren x

[marshmallow]

Thanks guys! some excellent ideas! He's in a good mood at the moment (long may it last!) because of the weekend and wanted to send you all a picture of batman so here you go...........

 

<'> Marshmallow

[Kathryn]

I agree with everything Lauren said.

 

On recognising achievements - I think my son's primary school gets it about right. Every week two children from each class receive a certificate - this can be for anything they've done well, however minor. It's fixed so thayt every child will get at least two during the academic year. The reason for the award is clearly written on the certificate, and read out by the by the head teacher at Monday assembly. Parents are invited to watch. (Next week my son is getting one for writing a good description of a sewer, apparently. )

 

Marshmallow, I think it's a pity your son's progress wasn't celebrated at school - I think a word with the class teacher would definitely be a good idea.

 

K

Edited June 23, 2006 by Kathryn

[marshmallow]

Thanks Kathryn, and say well done from us to your son on his achievement! It is important that people understand about sewers ! We would be in a mess without them. Seriously well done to him though, its lovely when anybodies acievements are recognised, particularly when they do have more hurdles to overcome. <'>

 

Marshmallow

[Canopus]

The sporty types and high flyers get loads of recognition and the best parts in plays etc... while those that struggle don't get much at all. I find this insiduous assault on the self esteem of some kids very hard to swallow and it's something that I have raised with schools often.

 

I absolutely agree with this. Most schools are very unmeritocratic and they reward some skills and talents better than others. Sporting and musical achievement tend to be most highly rewarded and talented sportsmen and musicians get plenty of recognition and respect.

 

When I was at primary school I was an expert at computer programming and electronics. They were not school subjects, or seen as appropriate activities for a 10 year old, so the teachers and my EP took the stance that I had extreme obsessions as opposed to talent or high intellect. This badly damaged my self esteem and made me very depressed. To make matters worse, I was also bad at certain things including handwriting, bike riding, football, and relating well to other kids of my age which I was expected to be good at by default. There seemed to be some system in place at my school where kids who were good at sports or had beautiful handwriting were given preferential treatment over everyone else.

 

I was given 10 out of 10 for an homework assignment at secondary school about sewers.

[marshmallow]

Very happy little boy tonight! He got his first swimming award for travelling 5 metres in the water with aid from a float. Don't think he is letting his certificate and badge out of his sight !

[CarerQuie]

Fantastic!!!xx

[Kathryn]

 

Well done to him!

 

K x

[madme]

Hubbie and I have been discussing this very topic- Marshmallow you have had some excellent advice. I wish I had considered this years ago. Mine is 10 now and still has self esteem problems. His first primary school blamed us as he knew about his dx ( his consultant told him not us). In reality looking back it was what you have all described - he saw others being praised and he wasnt. He has dyspraxia and so wasnt sporty etc In his second school which he has just left to go to secondary they were better - it was a school for specific learning difficulties but even they couldnt get it right. He worked so hard for his sats and got a couple of level 5s. We were so proud and praised him so much - at the leavers assessmbly all the usual suspects got praise but no mention of his achievements ( even though I had asked the teacher and head) presumably they felt it inappropriate as others hadnt done so well. Im still annoyed. He went to camp and won the cup for coming fisrt - was that mentioned - nope! Instead the sporty ones and the theatrical ones got the praise - I wouldnt mind but it wasnt the first time they had had public recognition of their success. And they wonder why he has low self esteem!?