How well do ASD kids handle seperation

[lil_me]

My now Ex upped packed and left this morning, part of me is thinking will be easier as he used the home like a hotel anyway, expecting everything done for him and just to sit about all the time, but since he went my sons been self harming a lot, all day almost

 

Just wondering those who have been through it, yes I have cried all day, I'm in bits tbh, but the kids are the most important thing and want to make sure I do all I can to help him and his little brother.

 

Their Dad will no doubt phone in a few weeks wanting to arrange to see them, just don't know what to do for the best help

[Viper]

OH lil-me, I am soooo sorry. You must feel like cr*p right now. <'> I don't know what to say, nothing can make you feel better.

 

As for coping with separation, I can only go on how Ben copes with his dad being away working. He hates it when he goes, has meltdowns when he comes home and seems fine in between. I think it's the not knowing that upsets him. So I think the best advice I can give would be to make sure you have a rigid routine. Make sure your kids know when he will be coming and try to make him stick to it.

 

Again I can only say how sorry I am for you and your kids.

[Bagpuss]

lil me <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

So, so sorry to read your post Dread to think how I would deal with the same situation. I've not been thru this, so can't offer any experience, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your sons right now <'> <'>

[lil_me]

Thankyou both, but please no hugs or I'll start again been to a friends tonight and I wish they wouldn't ask if you are ok, starts me off.

 

I don't know how I feel right now, he's gone to bed saying he doesn't want to live any more because his Dad isn't here, I really wish he could have heard the hurt he put through as he's the one who's gone off and left leaving me to put the pieces back together. Broke my heart hearing him say that, and I know I shouldn't have but ended up sending him a really nasty text about it, as he won't answer the phone to me. Think I'll remove his number from my phone as I realise now how stupid it was as he doesn't care, he doesn't have to hear it.

 

I have said already that he isn't going to flit in and out when he wants to which he did when he left when my son was 2 & I was pregnanyt with little one, sometimes was 3-4 weeks before he seen him.

 

I'll be honest not worried about things financially, or how I will cope as tbh I think I do almost anything anyway, managed to wire this PC up tonight which impressed me (as he took that aswell) he wants the car and tele by next weekend so hoping freecycle might have a biggish tele as a portable is no good in the sitting room with their vision problems.

 

At the minute he's being a complete pig, and I am determined not to be walked over like last time he'd come to see the bairn and he'd bring all his washing to be done, expect his meals made and sleep over when he felt like it. Not happening this time. I'm much tougher now, I hope.

 

Sorry rambling, eyes going fuzzy, sure tomorrow will be easier.

Edited July 1, 2006 by lil_me

[Bagpuss]

Stay strong lil me <'>

[Kazzen161]

I agree, that the more info you can give your son about how things will be (the routine) the better.

 

Make sure you get enough support for yourself, as our kids pick up on our feelings and if we are upset, it stresses them. Relate can be very helpful (kept me sane).

 

Make sure his teacher knows what is happening.

 

Make sure he knows that his Dad still loves him, and that it was not your son's fault he left.

 

There are some good books in the Library that go through what happens when parents divorce (though I found it very hard to read them to my son - there was one about a Daddy bear telling his son he still loves him - made me cry!).

 

Do you have any friends with children in same situation? Sometimes it is nice for them to know it is not just them it happens to.

 

Look after yourself.

 

Karen

[Viper]

Is he seriously going to take away the kids TV? If that is the case I would change the locks and be out in the car when he comes round for them.

 

I know you don't want to make things harder for your son but maybe if he knew what an utter bar*t*rd his dad was being he might see things a bit differently. I don't know what the circumstances are but is he at all aware of anything that has been going on, like arguments etc? Maybe you can try to help him see that things wern't right between you and make sure he knows it's nothing to do with him..

 

I really don't know how a father can take away his own childs things, has he no feelings?

[oracle]

Sounds like my ex he got the lot - but it was things that you can replace and you can't replace the kids and I got the the things worth keeping - my sons!

 

Been there and done it and I'm still standing to prove you get through the other side. You will to - honest.

 

You know where we are if you want to offload

 

No hugs but LOADS of strong vibes.

 

Oracle

[lil_me]

They've woke up this morning crying. M said he could hear his Dad shouting, must have been nightmares. Little one is determined his Dad said he was coming back. Now I have started, just can't stop crying, I just don't know what to do any more. Thought I was stronger than this, but the kids are so upset, all I ever wanted was for them to be happy.

 

Yes Viper he's serious about the TV, and the car. Paid for on his credit card and he pays the bill so he wants them back. Suppose he has a point, but the bairn got so upset yesterday when he went to take it he let me keep it for a week, so on the hunt for one. I know seems crazy how a man can take things from his children. He just seems to see it as another way to get at me. The arguements before it were me wanting him to get off his backside and do something and he didn't lift a finger, if I am honest it will be easier now he's gone, just not for the boys.

 

I was hoping would feel better about it today, but the kids being like this is hurting me so much, they are my life and they are so hurt. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, just I feel like I have lost my way and my torch has ran out of batteries, don't know what to do or where to turn.

 

He's left everything in a right mess when he took his stuff, I just can't face it.

 

I am reduced to crying my eyes out and rambling on a forum to people I hardly know.

Edited July 2, 2006 by lil_me

[Suze]

<'> oh hunny.........I don,t know what to say, maybe it,s just the little things like sleeping with them if they can,t sleep. I can,t believe he has arranged to get the car and tv and left without arranging to see the kids............say,s it all.Your not a doormat hun...........don,t let him walk all over you again. <'>

[phasmid]

What a git! I wish I lived closer as you could have my spare tv with pleasure. Check out e-bay for any local ones, most people are happy for cash on collection or may deliver for a small fee. If it were me I'd want it there before the barsteward returned for his - a petty moral victory for you perhaps but also a way of showing you can manage without him!

[lil_me]

Thanks anyway Phasmid, I'll find one somewhere, I've put an ad on freecycle so hoping to get one from there, but yes I would like to have it there before he takes this one. Not only so I can prove a point but also the kids will be upset. Stupid really gave away 3 last month, had kept them incase something like this happened then decided to have a clear out. I'll have a look on ebay aswell.

 

I managed to get this PC up and running for the internet, had to go and get a new modem etc last night as he took that aswell. But got that going, my son was very impressed as he thinks just Dads do things like that

Edited July 2, 2006 by lil_me

[Viper]

Have you got any family Hun, Someone to be with you when you want them? If you can bring yourself to, take your boys out for a few hours, show them that life can still be fun and "normal" even without their dad. I know it must be hard to carry on but we have to be strong for our kids. Don't hide your distress from them, join them in their crying, show it's not wrong but also show that life goes on and you can live without him.

 

I so want to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder love. It hurts like hell to see your kids upset. My thoughts are with you.

 

If you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime. Stay strong sweetie.

[oracle]

If this is going to happen and he 'is' leaving and wont be back then take his key or change the locks because othewise he will come back time and time again to cause you all emotional harm. This may sound harsh but that means the balance of power has shifted and it may just help you. 'You' then get to decide if you are going to open the door or not.

 

I would also as a matter of urgency go and see a solicitor to see what the real score is - and the real score is that even if he did buy the things on his credit card they are part of a package of goods in that house that have joint ownership.

 

I did not change the locks or take back the key and ended off moving out and in with my Mum for a year and I lost the lot because when I finally got back in he had either took what he wanted or trashed the rest. I could not take the emotional coming and going and nor could the boys. Things improved when the boys knew that we were seperated and that there would be no surprise visits.

 

You are raw at the moment hun and no wonder. If you want to speak you know where I am.

 

Oracle

Edited July 2, 2006 by oracle

[Zemanski]

Do change those locks - then at least you will have the ability to control when he comes and goes.

 

Wish I had more to offer

 

we're all thinking of you and sending you our strength

 

take care of yourself

 

Zemanski

[Kazzen161]

Legally you are not allowed to refuse him access to the house if it is in his name as well - though he would have to take you to court if you just happened to change the locks (after all you coudl easily have lost your keys somewhere and need to change them for security!).

 

It is totally normal to feel tearful, and you will feel like this on and off for some time. I found it hard to try and hide my feelings from the kids. My eldest was 4 when his Dad left, and he was devastated. He started to sleep with me. I went to Relate, and my son had some counselling for a while.

 

It is best not to badmouth your ex - the children after all share half his genes, so putting him down, is puting them down. The kids will one day realise what went on and what he is like - they will make their own conclusions (took about 10 years for the Twins to do so).

 

We just said Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anymore, so we were getting "un-married".

 

My eldest (now 16, AS) would still love his Dad to come back here to live. A few years ago he said that it was Ok if his Dad's girlfriend came too, and she could sleep in his room and Daddy coudl sleep with me!! I am sure they woudl be fine with that -lol!

 

Gingerbread (for single parents) came be a help - I made some good friends through it.

 

 

Karen

[jb1964]

Hi Lil-me,

 

Only just read your post and feel so much for you and your little ones. Hope you have some good family and friends around you to help out....

 

Be strong, take care,

Jb

[Kathryn]

I'm moving this to Help and Advice as it fits better here.

 

Kathryn

[smiley]

<'> Lil-me.

 

I can't think of what to say to add to all the fantastic advice. Just wanted to say, i'm thinking of you.

 

You will get through this <'>

[lil_me]

Thanks everyone, day has got a little better, been offered a tele so thats a start, thank god for freecycle. Boys & I have been at my sisters all afternoon, had a really good time, but as soon as they came home they were asking when he'd be back etc which started me off again. Struggling to get them to sleep again tonight but suppose can only be expected. My sister looked after them for a little while whilst my brother in law helped me remove exs junk out of the garden, kind of the start of the clear out and being determined to get things done.

 

I'm trying not to say anything negative about their Dad in front of them, oldest can't resist telling the world my Dad has left us, think he has told everyone he has seen today.

 

I can say look your Dad will still love you, but I can't say when they will see him again, how often etc as even when I rang today to find out which stuff was ok to clear out he put the phone down on me, so I can only try to make it a little easier for when he calms down from his tantrum and starts being reasonable. Thats if he wants to see them again.

Edited July 2, 2006 by lil_me

[Bagpuss]

You seem to be coping admirably lil me. Take it one day at a time and know we are thinking of you <'>

[oracle]

My ex went for ten months without seeing his sons and was surprised when he did finally ring to see him that they did not want to see him I agree try not to bad mouth although it can be hard - but if you can resist they work it out for themselves eventually even the ones with ASD

 

If your house is owned I have not got a clue what happens but if it's council or housing group then I will stick my neck out and say that they will offer you possession and expect your ex to go. The council would not re-house me because they told my ex to go - it took a full year. If he's already gone and it is council property go and see them asap - then you can legally change the locks.

 

Oracle

[lil_me]

Thanks Bagpuss

 

Don't know what I would have done without all your support. Would feel so alone if it wasn't for you all. So great big thankyou for reading my endless ramblings. Sure we'll get through this, just going to take some time. Going to ring my sons CAMHs lady tomorrow and see if she has any ideas on helping him through this.

 

It is a council property, got all the things like claiming etc to sort out, not looking forward to that at all. I have taken all the keys from him now, there isn't much left he'd probably want anyway. Got the tele now so he can have it, will take great pleasure in letting him know that his petty attitude over material things doesn't bother me. Well it does but it doesn't if you know what I mean.

Edited July 2, 2006 by lil_me

[Viper]

Lil, your son telling people is probably a good thing. It means he is trying to accept things. If he was talking about how his dad does this and his dad does that then he is in denial. I hope you understand what I am trying to say here.

 

You are doing the right thing, getting on with your life. good on you. Well done. Stay strong and show him you can live without him, and of course you can.

[lil_me]

Yes I know what you mean Viper, but it is like he has died when he explains it with such grief. He has it stuck in his head he won't see him again. He has already said and keeps saying he doesn't have a Dad any more as he sees that as Dads should live in the same house as the children. He is in no denial at all, opposite.

 

Just wish he'd trust that I will never leave him

Edited July 2, 2006 by lil_me

[Viper]

That is exactly what he is feeling Lil me, grief at the loss of a loved one. Even though he isn't dead he will still be grieving for his dad. There are many stages of grief, one being anger. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes through that too.

 

How old are your sons and how is the other one taking it?

Edited July 2, 2006 by Viper

[Kazzen161]

One of the things that helped me, was redecorating and moving the furniture around in "our" bedroom. I didn't get a chance to do it for ages, but when I did I think it sent a clear message to my ex and to me that he was gone and it was MY room now.

 

My Twins were only 6 months old when my ex walked out - they still can't get their head round the fact that their Dad used to live here. They met him once while out with my parents, and they introduced them to their Dad, not realising they had known him for 15 years!

 

Karen

[lil_me]

Boys are 5 and 7, oldest is ASD, other ones 666 lol.

 

Spoke to their Dad today, we had a very long talk. Seems most of this has come from lack of communication including me throwing myself into things for the kids and blocking him out really. It's made me realise aswell as him being quite ignorant how much I have ignored him and burried myself taking too much on. He's wanting to see them 3 times a week so far, I can see him letting them down and have warned him no second chances this time.

 

I have started decorating aswell, but in the sitting room as it needed doing desperately, painted the fireplace today and collected the tele off the lovely freecycle lady, also washed all the bed linen for my room yesterday even tho it was only done the day before I could smell him and didn't like it. Shattered but feels good doing it.

Edited July 3, 2006 by lil_me