Oh What's The Point?

[TheNeil]

Don't want to sound as though I'm moaning (I know that there are a lot of people here with problems far more important and serious than mine) but I am just so mindnumbingly depressed and I just don't know what to do. It all started last week with the 'warning' that I received for upsetting some stupid <insert rude word here> saleswoman (detailed in another thread). Added to this the work that I'm supposed to be doing is a joke - I'm supposed to be coming up with timescale estimates for a project...a project that no-one has actually decided anything about (great, roll some dice or just draw numbers out of a hat) (I've done it by the way and it was utter guesswork, but I did add a big note saying so and that the entire project was a joke - I'm subtle like that). I need to know all the information before being able to do things like that and I end up getting upset as I'm being asked to do something that isn't quantifiable...it's just impossible to visualise/work with otherwise.

 

Yesterday (at work) I did nothing, and I mean nothing. At five to nine I asked my boss for some work and at ten past four I went home which meant that I'd twiddled my thumbs all day and that never does me any good (I need to be kept busy (or 'entertained' if you prefer) all of the time) - everyone still ignores me so it's like sitting in a corner having to be quiet for 7 hours. I also found out that we're having a 'team building' day next Tuesday and these, to AS me, are like hell on Earth (we all go out, as a team, have lunch and then do something 'fun' together. Something 'fun' usually being something competitive that I always come last at)(and I have tried suggesting other things but all to no avail). Even though I've explained this to my boss on numerous occasions I'm still 'expected' to go...so something else to look forward to.

 

Then I got home to find out that one of the guinea pigs had stopped eating and wasn't moving about much which meant that Mrs TheNeil had taken her to the vets (anyone with guineas will know that a guinea pig that isn't eating is running the risk of dying very quickly). I know it sounds materialistic but that'll mean a big vet's bill to pay.

 

And then, to make my day complete, the job agency phoned up about the interview I went to last week. Apparently I really impressed them but (and it's a 'but') I came across as being a bit negative about my current job so they wouldn't be progressing my application any further. Of course I'm negative about my current job, if I wasn't then I wouldn't want to leave would I (I didn't think I had been by the way)? The agency seemed pretty convinced that they could talk to the firm and maybe persuade them to change their minds but if they do then I'll know that I was very much a 'second choice' which isn't exactly going to give me much of a confidence boost. What it did do though was convince me that my time is up at my current company - I was so disappointed that it was blatantly obvious.

 

I couldn't even relax last night as I'd arranged for someone to pick up a computer part (via Freecycle) and the <insert rude word here> didn't bother turning up which meant that I was on edge all evening waiting for him to call.

 

What with everything that had happened (and the heat)(and the pain in my arms from Mrs The neil's 'suggestion' about how I lift my weights) I got about 3 hours sleep and my brain just went into panic mode whereby every bad thing that's ever happened flashes through it and gets me all panicky (I could have woken Mrs TheNeil up but I always feel guilty - she needs her sleep too). I did come to the conclusion that I'd like a job where I have to sort/order things ('things' not people - maybe a librarian or working in a book shop). Even that though is a pipedream as I have the mortgage to pay so can't afford to take the wage cut.

 

So I came in this morning and the closer I got to Leeds the more depressed I felt. I've been in the office now for nearly an hour and not said a word to anyone, no-one's spoken to me, everyone's chatting amongst themselves (and the sound is driving me mad) and I can see it being like that all day. I just want to go home, curl up in a ball and shut the world out

 

I just don't know what to do anymore

Edited July 25, 2006 by TheNeil

[UltraMum]

Wish I could help ... your present company don't sound very AS minded ... nor do they seem to be stretching you or giving you a challenge in your work

 

(Always a good reason for why you are leaving if asked at interview!)

Some useful interview tips here http://www.datsi.fi.upm.es/~frosal/docs/25mdq.html

 

All I can do is send some <'> <'> <'> <'>

[TheNeil]

If anyone does have need for a Delphi/C# coder (nearly 10 years commercial experience) then...

[marshmallow]

TheNeil, I wish I could make things better for you, have you seen your GP or do you have some annual leave coming up, I don't know but maybe a break will help in the short term? Lots of <'> <'> <'> . Take care.

[TheNeil]

I saw my GP and got a week off work just a couple of months ago and I don't know how enthusiastic he'd be about signing me off again so soon (I know that it should be about what's best for me but...). No holidays booked at the moment and Mrs TheNeil only started a new job 2 months ago so she hasn't built up enough holidays to be able to take time off. We were thinking of going away but it wasn't until the end of September, which is kind of a long way off

 

As I feared, my boss is in meetings all day, everyone else is ignoring me and every idea I've ever had has popped out of my head

[curra]

TheNeil, by the sound of it you're being bullied at work and as you are AS it must be terribly hard for you. Some years ago I went through something similar and I was so stressed out that I really needed time off. I suggest that you go back to your GP and explain all the physical and pshychological symptons of stress that you are having. Not because you had a week off a month or so ago it means that you can't have another one if you are so depressed. Maybe you need anti depressants to help you, that is something for the GP and you to decide, but in most cases they help to regain strength and find a solution when things get too tough. Keep trying for a new job until you find something better. Good luck!

Lots of <'> <'> <'>

 

Curra

[BusyLizzie100]

Hi TheNeil, sorry to hear you're having a bad day. I haven't got much advice on top of what's already been said, but I just wanted to say hi and send a few of these your way <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

If you still have nothing to do at work today, keep posting on here and I'll keep dipping in from time to time to chat - I'm at work, too, but I'm on a go-slow today after working my socks off yesterday, desperately trying to get it all done so I could get home at the time I told DS1 that I would be arriving - made it with a minute to spare!

 

Lizzie

[CarerQuie]

So sorry that you're going through such a tough time at work.I'm thinking of you but have nothing tangible to add.xx

[TheNeil]

Thanks for the support people. Sadly I think everyone here at work just doesn't understand just how much AS can affect things and how difficult it is to just appear 'normal' (i.e. the stresses and strains that NTs don't have to put up with even when doing 'normal' things)

 

As if things couldn't get any worse though, the vet now reckons Mrs Wills (the guinea pig, not my other half) is not long for this world

[BusyLizzie100]

Oh no, poor Mrs Wills! I think you probably DO deserve some time off - things are piling up for you and you sound a bit overloaded.

 

<'> <'>

 

Lizzie

[TheNeil]

Poor Mrs Wills indeed - she's only just coming up to her second birthday

[aro]

stupid people at work! Sorry the interview didn't go well, sounds like a bit of a low time, sending you a hug and hope things start to improve for you!

Anna x

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Your work is really really getting you down. I think that when work makes your miserable even outwith 9 to 5 then you need to call it a day. I know that's a lot easier said than done when you've a mortgage to pay! I was in a similar situation years ago. Had enough! I was waking up miserable with the thought of going to work and going home miserable because I knew I'd have to go back the next day. The staff were horrible to say the least (would ignore me one minute and shout and ball the next) and I handed my notice in. They even had the cheek to arrange a leaving night out ? needless to say I didn't attend! I did temp work until I found something else (lucky for me I found something quickly!). Guess one thing about your interview was that you did get positive feedback. Try and use what was said constructively ie simply say that you feel it's time to move on. Keep it simple and don't go into great detail. Your colleagues don't sound particularly supportive or understanding which doesn't help things. Do you get the opportunity to speak to your manager about how you're feeling ? is s/he approachable? My 4.5 year old son has AS and last week in particular, I felt like the whole world was against me. I felt like a failure as a mother, and that I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I know that Robert was fed up and missing nursery due to summer holidays (out of his usual routine). In addition, he may be getting vibes from me that I'm worried sick about him starting school. It's a ###### feeling when you feel that everything is on top of you. But somehow we've all just got to deal with things, one at a time, and at a day at a time.

 

I best get on and do some work, but I do hope things take a turn for the better for you. Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[phasmid]

Hi TN, it really does sound like the people you work for could do with knowing some more about AS and the effect it has on you. Have you got a human resources dept or is your place not that big? If you have you could draw their attention to some of the stuff from the NAS and ask them to read it.

 

Hope things pick up for you soon.

[TheNeil]

Hi TN, it really does sound like the people you work for could do with knowing some more about AS and the effect it has on you. Have you got a human resources dept or is your place not that big? If you have you could draw their attention to some of the stuff from the NAS and ask them to read it.

 

Hope things pick up for you soon.

 

Our HR department is half a woman. A say 'half a woman' as it's actually the MD's secretary who also has the responsibility of dealing with pay, bank accounts and that kind of thing. I know that she's been informed of the situation (she and the health and safety man contacted the rest of the organisation (our company is part of a larger group) to see if there was anything specific that the company (as a whole) had defined for Autistic people - there wasn't by the way and the only question I got was to make sure that I wasn't going to freak out on the stairs during a fire). It's not a real suprise that they tend to overlook/ignore my AS needs though as, when told, the head of department, didn't even think it was worth talking to me about it and no-one has ever really asked what I need/what they (the company) can do. They know that I 'don't do' group meetings and I have avoided one but next Tuesday is 'team building' day and I just know that it's going to be hell on Earth and it's been made clear that my presence is required (maybe a strategically timed 'illness' might be in order...).

 

When I was first dx'ed I wanted to be open about it and announced the situation to the department via an email in which I went through the main points of what AS meant and how it affected me (and therefore them) and I deliberately wrote it in a very informal/jokey way (didn't want to scare anyone etc.). As well as this I emailed links to the NAS (and a few other selected sites) to my boss as he asked for them and I'm assuming that he took the time to read them (although that's a big assumption).

 

I've kept the company informed since I first started down the dx route but as I've found out more, realised new needs, issues etc., they've never (I feel) tried to keep track of the situation, monitor how I'm doing etc. You could say that I should be telling them these things but that's, for me, part of the inherant problem: I can't talk to people - I need them to ask me (and it has to be in a controlled and one-to-one environment otherwise I'll just mumble an answer and clam up). I often wonder if I'm complaining too much, overly sensitive etc. but there seems to be so little about AS adults in office environments (indeed any work environment) that I don't have a frame of reference to work within and I kind of have to feel my own way. What I do know is that I now won't just bury my feelings and assume that 'everyone's like that' like I have in the past - I'm different to most (NT) people and I won't put up with feeling anxious, frustrated, annoyed any more where it can be avoided (well, that's the theory anyway) . From reading what you parents have to put up with when it comes to support (or lack of) I sometimes feel guilty (you all do a great job in some dreadful situations) but, hopefully, I'll be able to offer some help/support back some time in the future.

 

I've still haven't got any work to do but I decided that I could better use the time to practice my coding skills and do some reading up on techie type stuff - might as well let them pay me to do it

[phasmid]

Don't ever feel guilty about your situation compared to anybody else's. If what is happening where you are is causing you distress it is as much of a problem as anything any of us are dealing with. Your problems are no less valid because your an adult.

[lynyona]

Hi TN

 

Gotta nothing helpfull to say im affraid but just to send you some <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> .hope things get a bit easier for you

 

lynn

[BusyLizzie100]

Hi again. Just a thought, but have you tried ringing the NAS helpline? I was just thinking about what you said about there being no info about AS adults in office environments.

 

When I have contacted them about my sons' issues in the past, they have always been very knowledgeable and helpful; if they couldn't give an answer or suggestion straightaway they went away and came back to me later.

 

I appreciate you don't like doing the talking, but how would you feel about talking to someone helpful and understanding on the phone? Alternatively, they have an email helpline also.

 

Lizzie

[TheNeil]

Hi again. Just a thought, but have you tried ringing the NAS helpline? I was just thinking about what you said about there being no info about AS adults in office environments.

 

When I have contacted them about my sons' issues in the past, they have always been very knowledgeable and helpful; if they couldn't give an answer or suggestion straightaway they went away and came back to me later.

 

I appreciate you don't like doing the talking, but how would you feel about talking to someone helpful and understanding on the phone? Alternatively, they have an email helpline also.

 

Lizzie

 

That's a very good idea and I think I now feel an email coming on (talking on the phone isn't too much of a problem for me but talking on the phone in the office could be 'problematic')...

[Bagpuss]

TN <'> <'>

[marshmallow]

<'> Hi, just wondering how the rest of your day went and if you are ok?

[TheNeil]

<'> Hi, just wondering how the rest of your day went and if you are ok?

 

I'm hanging on in there (and a lot better since I left work at ten past four). Wrote to the NAS to see what they could suggest given the current situation and then got a call about one of the jobs I applied for last night - nothing definite but a definite 'maybe' so there's hope. I'm not actually sure what the NAS can do or suggest (which is probably a good thing as they might come up with something that I'd never think of) - if they could help me to get the message across then that'd be a big step forward. More positive news though is that I'm 'working at home' tomorrow so at lest that'll give me time to calm down a bit (I would say cool off but I've just seen the weather forecast ) and I have a PC to setup (at work) on Thursday - hardly challenging stuff but it still beats twiddling my thumbs

 

Talking to Mrs TheNeil she reminded me that if I keep overpaying the mortgage then we could be rid of that in maybe 4 years and then I could walk away from the IT industry altogether. That's a bit of a long way off just now but it does kind of put things into perspective a little. This does not mean that I'm just going to grin and bear the current situation though - hopefully I can come up with a feasible plan to get the message across. If not (or what I come up with doesn't work) then I might have to resort to going back to the doctor's and getting signed off sick again - maybe they'll get the message that they're making me that sick (which is a shame as I actually like working - I get bored otherwise)

 

As for Mrs Wills...doesn't look very good

[marshmallow]

<'> for you, Mrs TheNeil, and Mrs Wills. I do hope you get the work situation sorted soon, and get some understanding in the workplace, whether it be at your present work or a new place.

[Elaine]

Hello TheNeil

 

I'm sorry you're down. I can relate to what you're saying as I have also spent a fair amount of my (now former) working life wishing I was somewhere else. Actually, most people I know could say the same thing.... It certainly sounds like a change would do you good. I'm sure that if you keep at it, something will turn up, but it could take a while.

 

In the meantime, here are a few ideas for cheering yourself up which have helped me:

 

* Listen to happy/uplifting music

* Do something fun/different in your spare time, even if it's just a walk or a picnic somewhere nice

* Rent a good comedy DVD

* Read Dilbert. It's brilliant and anyone who's worked in I.T. will appreciate the humour

 

Also , re jobs, look into alternative types of employment other than permanent office based work. Have you considered:

 

* becomming a contractor. They earn loads of money and if you change jobs after 6 months, it wont look bad on your C.V.

* starting your own e-business. Someone my husband knows is into paintballing and has turned his hobby into a second income by having an online store.

* working in a college/university I.T. department. I see from your website that MACs are a special interest of yours. Uni lecturers may not be well paid, but they do get time and facilities for doing research.

 

Just one more thing, I'd think twice about telling potential employers about your A.S. In a perfect world, people would be nice, kind and supportive. But it isn't perfect and people do discriminate. They discriminate against old people, women, sick people, people with a life outside of work,....the list goes on. Once I had an interview (for a software developer role) and was told by the interviewer "we normally only employ single young men as they work hard and have no social life"

 

Anyway, feel free to email me if you want a chat

 

Elaine

[TheNeil]

Hi Elaine,

 

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I've thought about contracting or setting up my own business before but I think it was too far outside of my 'security bubble' to take such risks (I get stressed far too much just filling out my self-assessment tax form each year and that's usually only for a couple of thousand )

 

I've been living by a fairly rigid plan for quite a few years now and that was to get rid of my mortgage and take no risks while doing it (I rationalise that if I have a roof over my head then I least have somewhere I can hide from the world) - it probably sounds boring and dull but it's 'stability' for me. Once I've done that (probably 4-5 years time) then I can afford to take more risks and will probably be walking away from the IT industry and doing something that will make me a lot happier...but probably not pay so well (I'd like to work in a book shop or, as was suggested by someone on the forums, maybe work for the Post Office). Some people might not understand this but it makes sense to me

 

This last interview (which it doesn't look as though I got) was the first one since my dx and I debated long and hard about whether to mention the AS or not. The job agency advised that I should mention it if it seemed appropriate and Mrs TheNeil and I had decided that if I mentioned it, I shouldn't make a big thing about it. I know that I shouldn't have to mention it and that I shouldn't be discriminated against if I did but you're obviously fully away of the vast differences between what the law says and what actually happens (I did drop it into the cnversation by the way, as I'd had to do an online test which included a psychology element and they asked how I'd found it).

 

By the way, was your 'we only hire single young men' for Microsoft? I've heard that they can be swines for doing that

 

In light of my 'down-ness' earlier in the week, I'm starting to pick myself up a bit. Some work has started to trickle my way (not much but...) and that always helps as it keeps me busy, stretches the mental muscles and stops me from becoming frustrated through boredom. I also think that taking positive steps towards getting a new job have bolstered my confidence and, most importantly, the guinea pig is back from the vets and seems to be making a good recovery

 

So are you a software developer? What's your 'field'/language? (Just out of interest)

[Jill]

Just a thought - I know someone else has suggested self employment and you didn't fancy it, but have you thought of retraining in preparation for when your mortgage is paid off?

 

The angle I am coming from is that hubby is in full time employment, he's just completed a three year two evenings a week training course to be a plumber. He does some plumbing work in the evenings and weekends to supplement his income. He employs a chap to do his tax stuff at a cost of ?300 per annum.

 

His intention is to ultimately go self employed when he has a few customers lined up & is sure he can make a go of it (it's a scary prospect with bills and a mortgage!)

 

So, that was my thought - you could perhaps start an evening training course now in something completely different that you fancy doing. When your mortgage is paid you'd then have something else you could do that you would enjoy more and you could pay someone to do the paperworky bits.

 

It doesn't solve the "now" problem, but it does give you something to look forward to. Plus, even if you didn't end up doing whatever it is in the end, you would at least be meeting other people with similar interests on the course?

 

Ignore me if I am talking gibberish, it happens a lot.............

[TheNeil]

Ignore me if I am talking gibberish, it happens a lot.............

 

Not at all Jill - all comments, suggestions, advice gratefully received. Re-training is an option but what to retrain as/in, that's the big question. I'll have to have a think about that one (and try to work out when I'd be able to fit it in). Hmm...