new term, new worries

[gladysmay]

Hi, my son has some very negative pre-enrolment things to say about college and his expectations. i have tried to suggest the logical reasons as to how it could actually be a better experience this time around but i am worried.

 

i expected to feel okay but the truth is that old feeling of dread crept back from some hidden place it had been lurking all along, the rush of emotions from the bad old days, i love him and want the best for him. he has an all or nothing expectation, i beleive, if just one thing goes wrong then its no good.

 

now i am dreading the enrolment, tomorrow, i will not be there, his choice, but he seems fearful and anxious of course, who wouldnt be, i think he is worried about what to expect, form filling etc. i have done all i can to try to alert the college to make it accessible for him, up to now he seemed absolutely fine?

 

i think he feels so much is at stake if he cannot manage in a mainstream college after all, as if it is some kind of a test of how to cope in the world?? he is under no pressure to do this and has insisted this is his choice so maybe that has added extra pressure on himself, it is hard for anyone to face failure as our loved ones have been led to see themselves by the wider community, this is a continual balancing act but in the end must i suppose come from inner confidence in the end?

[gladysmay]

b ack again, sorry to say that my worries were justified but NOT becuase my son did not cope but because the college yet again messed up and put him through all kinds of hell not knowing how to process his application and the whole funding thing, asking him loads of inappropriate to him (as) questions and him being totally stuck in a mental logjam because of them!!

 

i have written letters, emails, made phonecalls in preparation for this new term and went in for several hours yesterday and STILL it was confusion - I'm so ###### mad at them but should i even bother to complain about it, will it prejudice them against him if he has this noisy mother????

[jb1964]

Oh Gladysmay - I feel so much for you both.

 

It's so hard to know what to do. With my daughter (she's only 13) I'm suddenly realising what she thinks she is capable of doing and getting through independently is totally different to what she can actually do - she too is like you say one thing goes wrong and it's give up because they think they can't do it.

 

They want to achieve so much - and then when things don't go quite what they thought they feel a failure and retreat - it's heartbreaking to watch it.

 

As for writing to the college - I've never written to the school regarding my daughter and at review meetings I let them bully me into whatever they say - I've felt like you do that they'll go against her for me upsetting their apple cart. However, this summer I'd had enough because they hadn't done lots of little things that they promised to send before she started school this term - I wrote a letter (and it was pretty awful - which made me feel so guilty - but I was so annoyed and frustrated) - and since Monday - the head of year must have rung me at least 4 times and made an appointment yesterday and sorted out everything that they've said they were going to sort out the past 2 yrs - so sometimes you definitely do get somewhere by complaining.

 

Take care and hope you get something sorted (good luck with whatever you decide to do).

 

Jb

Edited September 6, 2006 by jb1964

[lollypocket]

What a shame that they have made what he feared a reality. I think it depends on what your Son wants, as to whether you complain. He (and you) may want to give them the benefit of the doubt, to get themselves sorted and see what happens from there.

 

Starting at college can be chaotic for NT students, so it is no surprise that it is more so for our children. I wouldn't give up on them, just have a healthy contempt and give them the time to come up with the goods. Then complain like billyo if they fail after that.

 

Hope he gets to do what he wants

 

KW

[gladysmay]

well, i emailed the support co ordinator who said she had been extremely busy all day and was not aware of any confusion and that when she saw him he was happy.

 

what am i to make of this, does she acknowlege i have a genuine worry or that students with AS have the whole issue they have, how they see situations, how they react to the whole environment and even if 'they' i.e. the college staff, are not aware of a problem because it would not be a problem 'to them' being NT's then there isnt one happening???????????????

Edited September 6, 2006 by gladysmay

[gladysmay]

What a shame that they have made what he feared a reality. I think it depends on what your Son wants, as to whether you complain. He (and you) may want to give them the benefit of the doubt, to get themselves sorted and see what happens from there.

 

Starting at college can be chaotic for NT students, so it is no surprise that it is more so for our children. I wouldn't give up on them, just have a healthy contempt and give them the time to come up with the goods. Then complain like billyo if they fail after that.

 

Hope he gets to do what he wants

 

KW thanks,

 

they messed up his first application, refused him entry altogether when he was 16, this is our second attempt with this college, it has taken 9 months of interviews, negotiations to come this far and still they got it wrong??? but they dont think they did, my point is that my son feels something was wrong and i know they cannot change everything but reasonable adjustments like processing his application and not bombarding him with loads of questions was apparently too much to hope for.

 

edit - meant to say thanks for your comments, everyone, it is frustrating but my son managed despite the difficulties so I am hoping I can take that from the scenario as a good thing and that he will be less surprised next time around. (maybe me too!)

Edited September 6, 2006 by gladysmay

[gladysmay]

back to different campus today to sign up for a maths workshop, i am not really happy with this as i though he would get additional one to one support on the campus where the main course is running??

 

he is really stressed today and shut himself in his room, had enough of it, all the managing and being in guest mode trying to sort it out, i just cant understand why the college could not appreciate that giving him all this extra information like today, being asked to fax over a copy of the timetable from one to campus to the next and to ring a certain person later on next week when the main course finalises their timetable is all too much, and then questioning him again over the financial questions and now questioning as to whether he has evidence from his previous course, all of which i have already done and they have the info sitting in their in tray somewhere???????

 

i am so worried they do not understand the basic issues of Aspergers, that all this information is info overload and they are expecting him to do stuff they should not be asking, what can i do, i have asked before what training they have in As but they refuse to reply, i know they get funding from LSC for supporting students with special needs but i think it is up to them how they spend it, anyway, im just fed up with it, it s like hitting your head against a brick wall.

[Kathryn]

Hi Gladysmay,

 

I really do identify with this as we are going through similar at the moment - in fact we didn't even get as far as enrolment!. Generally the support at L's college is good, but she was supposed to go in on Tuesday after filling in some horrendous forms that even I found daunting. She was stressed about enrolment as she wasn't sure what would be expected of her, so we ended up not going, and I emailed the tutor to explain why. I feel the support is erratic, in classes they take great care but at other times she is expected to behave as an adult and make complex decisions, fill in forms and breeze through unfamiliar situations like enrolment after a six week break. I'm tired of explaining over and over why this isn't possible and what exactly her problems are.

 

At the end of last term she agreed she'd be doing a graphic design course. It's a mainstream course on another campus - probably, with a tutor she hasn't yet met and with students she doesn't know. Not surprisingly, she's having second thoughts. There are just too many changes to cope with.

 

Well done to your son for getting this far and coping as well as he has with the whole process. I do sympathise with your frustration and worry.

 

K x

[gladysmay]

thanks Kathryn, it all feels so unfair, he has missed so much already and it has all been failure on the part of others and inappropriate measures that have at times just made him much worse, I have the feeling people in education in general have a kind of parenting mindset in relation to the students i.e. they have to learn to do it for themselves, if we help too much they will never do it, they just dont understand this is not possible for AS students. It is all about giving info which is necessary, logical and not too much, among other things.

 

I rang the tutor yesterday and explained that my son now thinks he does not have a place all because they asked him for copies of the first year certs again, a casual bit of extra information that they threw in because it turns out, they have lost their copies and they only want them to make their life easier to work points but they have another way of finding this information out???? it is so frustrating, I told him that my son had taken this as information very seriously, I wonder if I should write a letter to the tutor and send him some basic info on AS, always seem to be on a tightrope tyring to work who will be upset and who can help - as you say, a social interpreter is what is needed, even if only for a session with the staff to bring them up to speed??

 

I do hope you find a way forward for your daughter, there have been many times during my sons education when we have just pulled out for sanitys sake, sometimes this is entirely the right decision despite the negative feedback from educationialists who seem to have a bit of a closed mindset in my opinion when it comes to anything different. sorry to all those that are trying hard to understand and be flexible, imaginative etc etc good luck xxx

 

How ironic that his induction programme requires him to do - lateral thinking exercises!!??

 

heres another - produce a map of the campus - not sure he do one of his room LOL

Edited September 8, 2006 by gladysmay

[gladysmay]

just dropped my son off for first day, induction week - he was in such a state, didnt know what to wear, worried about his hair, his skin, everything, I could hear him rattling around all night and this morning. I tried to offer reassurance but he was in his own zone, we were a bit late as he needed to be ready down to the minute detail and still had to go back to the house for something as we set off -

 

however, he is there now I just hope and pray it all goes smoothly for him,

 

I know others are worried sick about their kids going off to new schools or old this week, so good luck everyone, keeping my fingers crossed!

[barefoot wend]

gladysmay

 

Keeping everything croosed for your son today. Hope it goes well.

 

Barefoot

[UltraMum]

for the first day

[gladysmay]

quick update, my son seems to have managed the two induction days okay - hurrah, i feel to frightened to mention it just in case i put a hex on it??

 

so many times in the past the first two weeks have gone fantastic only to be followed by total and utter disarray and devastation, however, with my glass half full hat on this evening i am able to say it i feel relieved. i know it could all be temporary but i need this good space.xx

[asereht]

Good news hope it continues to go well for your son.

[gladysmay]

back again - not so good news this time.

 

after a successful start we have run into an 'attitude' and very poor communication problem, NOT my son but the staff at the college!!??

 

today my son had to attend a different campus to begin the seperate maths course he was told to apply for by learning support in order to help him with his problems with numbers. Sadly the tutor said that he might as well 'quit while he was ahead' and made general comments as to how 'her grandchild of five' can do this' - shocked, I am so fuming, he was put in a position of having to explain in class that he had Aspergers Syndrome, that he has had very sporadic education and virtually no teaching of maths since no one could ever figure out a way to teach it to him. Apparently she went blank and then backed down, but oh my god, what is going on with this college, how many times do I have to go in and advise them on what to do and how to behave, this person did not even know my son had AS and yet it was learning support who sent him over to them and the woman organising the admission to the course knew he had AS?????????????????????????????

 

why oh why is it always like this, so he is now upset, not surprisingly and so am I, my immediate thought is to write in and complain.

 

I thought he should be having appropriate education for his disability, cant imagine what this is at the moment.

 

the thing is, maths is just one of those things that caused so much trouble during school, picture a child, hiding under a table crying every maths lesson with the teacher saying 'dont be a baby' and the whole class laughing resulting in a seven year old fleeing from the site and being lost all day

Edited September 22, 2006 by gladysmay

[Kathryn]

today my son had to attend a different campus to begin the seperate maths course he was told to apply for by learning support in order to help him with his problems with numbers. Sadly the tutor said that he might as well 'quit while he was ahead' and made general comments as to how 'her grandchild of five' can do this'

 

These aren't helpful comments to made to anyone who is doing a maths course - let alone someone in particular need of support and struggling with confidence. Well done to your son for coping with the situation extremely well and I hope it hasn't put him off. Can you send some information to the tutor yourself? That way you know that she has the complete picture of your son.

 

I sympathise with the lack of communication and your feeling that you have to keep advising the college - I've been in a similar situation. I have been on and on at the college tutor during the last two weeks to mke contact with L just to reassure her before she started the new term. I didn't send her in last week as no contact had been made and she was feeling a bit anxious about it all. Eventually I asked them to send her an email to give her some information about the new timetable and arrangements. Finally L received this and is a whole lot happier now there aren't so many "unknowns"- she'll be starting on Monday. I'm relieved but also frustrated that I had to tell them exactly what to do to help her: they are the learning disability support team after all and they do know her by now!

 

K x

[gladysmay]

thanks Kathryn, good luck for Monday. I think I will send some info sheets and add a little note, polite of course and send it to the other tutor also, its a good idea. I know they could get all offended but surely if they are adult about it then it will be okay.

 

maybe in a couple of days it will not seem so bad but it does feel like they just cant be bothered to get it right. I hope I can help them to see that it is in their interest also to get it right.

 

best wishes for Monday once again, I really do hope it goes well xx

[gladysmay]

hello, back again with a question about some of the difficulties my son is facing because of what seems to me to be a continuing stream of misinformation and bad admin??

 

now he has received a letter on the very matter that I have already sorted out once of not twice, the missing certificates from the level one course - he took these in and the colleg copied them for their own records. then at enrolment they asked to see them again, this caused a lot of upset to my son.

 

I range the tutor and asked why the college needed to see them again, after all, he had produced them at a second interviews and been offered a place unconditionally, I was told it was merely to save them looking for their own copies and not to worry.

 

Can I assume they now have lost their copies and WITHOUT THINKING have written to my son asking for the copies again - they obviously have NO UNDERSTANDNG OF AS WHATSOEVER or they would know the distress this is causing!!!!

 

on top of that, my son has forgotten to do a piece of work despite writing himself post it notes all over the place and has informed me that the college has a three strikes and your out policy when it comes to deadlines for work and he is really stressing about it and staying up all night to try to get it done???

 

this cant be right, he alredy has to attend an additional course over and above his peers in order to catch up with all the maths he missed out during school years and so has less fress study time for homework, despite having greater need and working 150% just to cope in the mainstream.

 

sorry to be longwinded but doesnt he have the right to extensions on deadlines or something under the circumstances?