Gillian Roberts

Hi Esther, I totally agree with everything that you have said. My son is 11.1/2 years old, having gone through 7 horrible months at High school, the usual disruption of class, detention, answering teachers back in a matter of fact way, fears of open spaces, wondering if someone is waiting for him around the corner, running away from school because he felt safer at home. Frustration, not being able to understand more than one instruction at a time, has led to my son's diagnosis of AS. Education board have now moved him to a smaller school there is only 180 students, the anxiety levels have dropped but his confusion to social interaction and understanding of simple social play and jokes creates the meltdowns and he has become verbally abusive, swearing and commenting on peoples faults, like fat boy and get the mole on your face out of my face. all very funny to us but can be upsetting to the receiver and rude to the teacher. What can I do to calm him down, I ahve a punch ball on a stand for him to vett some frustation and energy out at night, I continually write notes for him to follow through the day, you can tell him how to behave, how to be polite and show manners and my son has all of them, that I am proud of but when frustrated they all go out of the window and this little monster appears. Had a massive meltdown last Thursday, had to take day off work, I think I am the trigger at home, its difficult to shut down, where you want some order, your child says he doesnt care, cant do it wont do, dont have to do attitude. A simple tap on the leg triggers off a hitting match on my arm. I have to ask him for a cuddle. Asked him to come in for tea, because he was happy with his pals and not interested in tea I shouted " IN NOW" he came into the house, decalred I had embarrassed him in front of his pals and started banging doors, throwing stuff in living room and then started kicking and punching me. Hacve spoken to my doctor, she is lovely, we have to decide on a traffic light system. RED - punch the boxing ball till he calms down, AMBER - he goes to his room to have quiet time and GREEN - where he lets me know if its ok to come and give him a hug. I ahve read lots of books, its still hurts me that my boy 7 months ago was quiet, but outwardly confident but strugled with school work. No aggression all. Reassurance has always been there with him. Even though he may be good at something he will always ask if he has completed his task ok. I have a meeting with the Peadiatrician, SEN Officer, and have been put on the CALHMS list. I need ANGER MANAGEMENT and some visits with the phsycoligist. I think his problems go deeper, High School has only brought it all to the surface. Sorry for going so long, I only have a few people to turn to, this forum is a great help. Gilly x

Ok maybe I didnt explain myself correctly, my ex husband took everthing you said literally, never understood it at the time, because he picked up a joke the wrong way at a party he head butted the host, he lost his front teeth as a teenager because he took a conversation the wrong way and reacted to it. My son has a distinctive glare, non expression face and will nervously giggle too and say yes out of politeness and I know he hasnt understood the question. He is too embarrassed to ask and gets annoyed if I ask for him. His dad reacted the same way but to speak up and explain something for an adult(partner) to him was insulting and he would get defensive so I never did it. Yes you could say this is of a non AS person, but I am sorry its too obvious with them. I do believe there is a genetic connection but then I have perceptions of life situations, social rules and boundaries. I will think before I speak, I will consider how it will affect another person, my ex as well as my son dont care when they have something to say, they say it no matter if it will hurt someone's feelings. I think in the end, are people in denial and refuse to accept any form of condition because they have lived with it all their lives? to them it is normal to others like myself it has been very hurtful, and I sufffered depression, blame, fear and weight gain. We will think inside the box. Gilly x

Hi everyone, My ex husband was 28 like myself when my son was born. until diagnosis with my son last month at the age of 11 years, autism to me was never thought of. BUT in hind sight i have seen all of my sons behaviours in his dad (passive), 2 uncles who are now 22 (proactive) and 15 (passive) and his grandpa who is 60 (passive). I was always blamed for our arguments, but now the signs were there in my sons dad. he was very shy, nervous and giggle, never looked directly at you and would not say alot in group conversations. I believe now that maybe he did not fully understand the content of the conversations and just agreed. He would then would twist my words and always try and pass the blame back at me and say that I was talking down at him, then through frustration he would swear at me and throw things. His release to be someone else was through drink and would become very aggressive towards me. Without a drink he would go back to the quiet recluse. It was a struggle to communicate with him and he would never talk to me about his feelings. If I knew then what i knew now I may have dealt with the situations differently. I may have been his triggers but I am not blaming myself anymore, it was not my fault. I still dont think we would have been together today but he may have been seeing his son. When you have a child answering his parent back your natural reaction is to say that they are being rude & disrespecful but to an AS child it feels like a threat when someone shouts at them and their natural instinct is to defend themselves which in turn leads to a meltdown. Thank fully for me my sons dad never hit me but my son is now. kicking and punching me because he is too embarrassed to have a meltdown in the street. HIs fathers family have been notified of my sons diagnosis but they are in denial and well thats their problem not mine now. My wee laddie is my priority now and whether it is genetic or coincedence, he will get the best support and life skills that I can offer him till one day he can hopefully lead an independant life on his own. Gilly x

Thank you again Mel We went into Lancaster on Saturday to get his new uniform and his biggest fear at the moment is teenagers. I ahve never seen him get so upset before just by seeign them carry on in the market square. covered his face with his jacket hood, started swearign at me and calling me a f***in ###### (which I know he doesnt mean, jsut his frustration) but it was this need to get home straight away, away from the situation. I struggle because I would like to go places and look in shops but this constant looking over his shoulder means that I dont get to enjoy my free time. He never used to have this problem, just suddenly came to teh surface ion teh last 7 months of going to a large busy high school. We both had an open cry on Sunday night, he sort of knows that his condition could be passed down via hi genetics, his ager over his dad reflects on his moods and therefore he jsut told me that he is not like his dad and his dad will never be the great wee lddie that he is. Begging me never to leave him like his dad did. Yes, I have read alot about it, but it still is very difficult to connect it all with your own. Cheers, Gillian

I have suddenly got a notion for Regency Romance novels. 18th century set. Dont know them girls, they are raunchy, sexy story lines. men with long hair, breaches, waiscoates, black carriages along country roads. Just finished a trilogy by Liz Carlyle. 1 little Sin, 2 Little Secrets and 3 Little Sins. they were that good that I didnt put them down for a week. best way to get yourself off to sleep into nice dream land. Gillian x

Have you tried communciation cards, picture fan cards. look at www.sparklebox.com offers all sorts of cards for facial expression, where your child could point to pictures, like the toilet or glass of water, or luch or play. Very good and might encourage to say and repeat the words.

My son at 11 years still wants to dress up in batman, spiderman, superman outfits. not really normal for his age at high school.

its taken about 3 years to get classroom help to Ryan's dificulties coming to the surface last Sept07 when he started high school at 11 years. Whats the rush in England to send your kids so young. There is 1600 students at heysham High, 4 building blocks so his fear escalated, Sen officer in school saw the low attention span, non response to instructions and out bursts of what we would call rude matter of fact back chat with the teacher. School Peaditrician, Education phsycologist, LEA officer, multi agency, 7 months. Now moving to a country high school with only 180 students including a lot of special needs support. Success at last. Gilly x

<'> No one sees it in their child. I have been told now to stop blaming myself. Its not your fault. I seperated from my son's dad when he was 8 months. it took 6 years to divorce him bcause i wasnt happy about the visitations, the upset and the hitting and biting that happened at the age of 3 when he stopped seeing him. then 1 year later he wanted to see him again. you cant turn a child off and on like a tap.I blamed all of the that for Ryan's behaviour. When its one on one you do miss things and blame things on yourself, I went through 3 years of depression, lost out in alot of quality time with my wee boy. Give yourself a break, you are doing something now and that is what matters. you are a great mum, its just taken us both a wee bit longer to realise it. Take care, smile a while Gillian x

Hi Mel, Warren and Bid What can I say, THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. ( although realise that technically is not possible ) It is proving very dificult to even understand my son's mind. You are right SELFISH is very brash, if their perceptions are that sparce, social interaction that difficult to understand then it is only natural for them to create their own life routine to protect themselves. I have gone from being a NIL tolerant womant to slowly approaching the 50% mark, still struggle to ACCEPT that all his misbehaviour isnt put on just to annoy me lol. :wallbash: Mel, I am presently transferring Ryan to a smaller High school which includes fantastic support for special needs. Today has been a complete nightmare where teachers still continue to shout at Ryan because either he has ignored their instructions or he refuses to do the tasks put in front of him. he has ran away from school alot of times in the past because he feels that he is safer at home than being placed in an inclusion room the size of a large cupboard as a safe room. he now sees it as a punishment room. Continual esclusion has had the opposite effect that he darent open his mouth in class so that they do not remove him from the class. He did say something bad in Learning and evolving class (intruduction to social studies, hsitory and geography) today where they were looking at multi racial areas. he turned round to another lad and said have you ever seen a Packie Slap. Several boys turned round and called him rascist. The same boys that call him a Scotch egg Bast****. He didnt know what the phrase meant but everyone else was laughing at him. the teacher took him out of the class and that point he ran home. The school rule is to get the community officer to go and collect him back but they didnt phone me first and so I had an histerical wee laddie on the phone telling me they were at the door. After talking to them they calmed him down and he walked back to school for a chat with the year head. He is fine now but I am on cloud 12 with annoyance and anger. I ahve put a formal complaint to the SEN officer and hopefully I should receive some form of explanation. We go on Monday to see the new sschool, I am really excited that Ryan will be able to move on with his life with geniune, caring support. God I have gone on again. I cant help this, should write a book and leave some space for the rest of you. Thank you again, Gillian x

Hi Warren I am a little confused, because self centred to me means the same as selfish, along with arrogance. In a normal trait (dont like using that phrase either) gives an air of they are more important than others, putting oneself first, which is to a certain extent selfish. trying to place my mind in my sons way fo thinking is a little frustrating. I try to let him know ehen he is rude, or inconsiderate and that he only now recogises when I am upset when he sees my tears. My sons frustrations lead to him hitting me. Feel like a human punch bag. WEll this is all a learning curve, I am seeking help in anger management, diet, hygiene and social communication. My son is a very outgoing (proactive type) child but like me lacks slef esteem and self confidence. He constantly looks for reassurance. Thank you for explaining that for me, cheers Gillian

I am sorry if you felt that I jumped back down your throat ( is that an idiotism LOL) not litterally of course. It is all very upsetting at the moment, and if it had been noticed earlier at primary school we could have prepared him for high school and all the bullying, loud noises, teachers shouting at him for his adult like back chat ( one trait that facinates me how matter of fact he is). I am now having him transferred to a small country high school which caters alo for special needs. I cant sleep and so I am very much wide awake at the moment. My son has problems geting to sleep. Dont know if his mind actually shuts down or he has to get to the point of exhaustion. What can I do to get him to sleep earlier. Cheers Gillian

my answer to you is how old are you that you feel you do not agree with this. My son does not understand personal space, he has to be in your face, he must have your attention at all times when he wants it even if you are reading a paper or watching the news. He is unable to observe social situations. He considers himself more important than me. If you want to ask him something his answer is to tell you to shut up and let him carry on with the computer or the ps2 game. If he does not like a way a role play game is going with his pals he needs to take control and make decisions for everyone. he does not like it when someone else is given the place of leader within a group discussion. he then gets frustrated and starts shouting and hitting the table. My son is very talented, can watch a film replay it and recite parts of the play back to you but when you are watching a film he takes the remote off you, changes the channel or plays the dvd film back several times because he finds it funny, suiting himself and to take control back off him starts another temper. My life has ben restricted, as the mum I should be the one setting the boundaries, making the decisions, choosing trips for day outs. Instead at the age of 40 this year my 11 year old doesnt want to leave the house at the weekends, wont go out in the car with me, takes over my computer, my telly without asking and I have repeated and repeated this instruction of asking first over and over again. Please do not tell me that you are the only person with Aspergers who is not selfish and who doesnt need control of your life. This is a very common trait recognised by everyone with a child with AS. From an AS kids point of view or adult they think that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing, that by twisting the words that have ben said to them and changing then into a different context they blame you for accusing them of something when its really the other way around. It is frustrating to me that I have to justify myself but at the same time this is all very new to me. My son has only been diagnosed this week with AS at the age of 11 years but the signs have been ther for the last 7 years. Call it a mothers intuition. I also now in hind sight saw this in his father too. How many decisions or instructions did you make for someone today and how many did you allow soneone else to give to you. Look with an open mind, never take people for granted and show consideration to others feelings. My son struggles with all of these. Take care Gillian

Hi Caroline Dont dispair. I in the past was getting worried that at the age of 11 my son still wishes to dress up as batman, superman, spiderman. and I thought he would get alot of bully words thrown at him. He tends to play with kids at least 2 or 3 years younger than him because they look up to him and do not see him as being different because they want to do the same things. Try and find ways to build up his confidence. Does he have any special interests, obsessions, like superheroes. Tell him its ok to be just the way he is. To stay away from the ones who have nothing better to do with their lives because they want to grow up too fast and be bored doing nothing. My son is creating and dealing with his own fears around teenagers but at the same time my life has been restricted even more because open spaces, and car parks and journeys because he doesnt want to be seen by them. This is all new to me as I have just received his diagnosis of Aspergers this week. It is all very upsetting and although I am not in denial of the situation it still hurts to know that he has his own world of thought and perception of life. I ned support. I know now that ti site will be valuable to me and hopefully to others, if they dont get bored with my essays LOL Chin up, I am a single parent Divorcee and have brought my son up from 8 months old. I am convinced now that his dad has Aspegers also, but he is not concern anymore. Take care, Gillian x

Hi Kirstie I empathise with you completely. My son's learning dificulties were missed all the way through primary school. We moved from Paisley Scotland to Morecambe in the North West 4 years ago. Having been born in August, England put my son 1 year ahead of his friends in scotland into year 3 instead of 2. He has a low attention span, struggles with more than one instruction, is distracted by noise, stares at walls and looks out windows rather than look a person's face, and very much tells you in a matter of fact manner if he dosnt like something and felt he was being bullied.. Primary school teachers for 2 years put it down to bad behaviour. Fought for an assessment in year 5 and we got an IEP set up. But no one linked his behaviour to aspergers. When he moved to High School in September 2007 although it all seemed exciting and he loved the fact he went to so many classes, in turn he didnt like certain subjects, teachers and the size of the school (1600 students) and the open spaces frightened him. In the space of last 7 months we have gone from daily detention slips to inclusion support rooms, to meets with school paditrician, education phsycologist and LEA officer. We are now getting approval to have him transferred to a small minstream high school in the country, only has 180 pupils adn has lots of special needs facilities. It is based round it education. Ryan has finally been diagnosed this week with Aspergers. What I feel now is Ryan may seem to his present school as a problem but really in our kids eyes WE ARE THE PROBLEM. We must learn to understand their disabilities, the triggers that set off their frustration and anger and to let them know that they are not a problem. Perservere for help. If you dont ask you dont get and never accept that your child's behaviour is not acceptable. Maybe its the teacher who has just shouted at your child who is at fault, who hasnt given step by step instructions for the task. Has looked for faults and not for achievements. I generally feel that teachers should have the inteligence to look into different disabilites to enrich themself into being a better teacher than snub off our children because they do not conform to normal traits. Good luck but dont give up and dont take the blame throw it back in their face. They get paid to educate our children we can only love and instill morals and standards into their lives. Take care, Gillian x