mikesmum

Does anyone have any wording for targets relating to bullying/teasing?? And about asking for help?? My son has finally made an attempt to ask for help in a kind of oblique way at school and has made it known that he is getting very upset about teasing. He was in tears on a day I turned up for a meeting about the IEP. The SENCO instructed him to keep a diary of the number of times he was bullied and to write a tick for each time he ignored or dealt with the teasing by saying 'hiya' in return to a reference to his height (he's very conscious that he is very little for his age) Well, we've talked to him so much over the years about handling teasing, he has books which he often reads...but they don't seem to recognise that he doesn't ...?have the maturity to handle it or the ability or...not sure what words to use but I know it's part of the ASD which is at play here. He simply cannot interpret the teasing as friendly but he's been 'told' that it's not malicious (he would naturally feel that's a great big assumption for how do they know if they haven't seen it?!) Any thoughts on this? Our relationship with the SENCO seems to have completely imploded.

Hello - Just wanted to pop by at this stage to say thank you for the moral support and for the info. I'm still 'processing' what went on and trying to reach a place where I'm not just reacting to stuff. Two weeks it's taken me - phew!! So thank you Annie, LKS and curra - I really have appreciated your comments. I'm going in tomorrow for the meeting she's having with my son to discuss the IEP. I don't think he's had any warning. I feel that if I prepare the groundwork so he feels safe to function well, it will just give her more ammunition to say 'where's the problem?'. But if I don't I'm being an irresponsible mother. I'm choosing the former and hating myself but it's HER meeting so I'll leave her to choose how to organise it. I'm beginning to realise just how much I constantly create an environment around my son which will 'enable' him - but I couldn't put into words what I do, why I do it or what would happen if I didn't. I don't push him to do things, but I try and create a space in front of him that he can walk into and I make sure there's always a titbit that I know he'll find attractive and familiar in some way. It's difficult to explain that he'd just 'disappear inside himself'/switch off if I didn't and, anyway, I reckon I'm probably treading a fine line between supporting his development and being too much of a control freak!! ;-) Do you have similar experiences? curra - my son has twice talked about ending his life - once when he was 5 and then again when he was 9. Both times as a result of what was going on at school. Different schools because we moved house... Yes, LKS, I've realised I must have someone in tow at every meeting - Having said that, I'm going in alone tomorrow but under strict instructions (from myself!) not to respond to anything that's said to me. I'm there in an observer role and that's it - but I practically had a panic attack this afternoon!! Thanks Annie - I hadn't heard of a Pastoral Support Plan before and I note the difference between that and the purpose of the IEP. I've got the impression that the SENCO feels that if my son doesn't have a 'behaviour' problem then he's of no concern. If he's 'getting along' educationally and producing homework then he's of no concern. They are happy for him to be 'average' - but that's not helping him make the most of what he's got. If he 'gets by' doing homework in 3 minutes then that's fine by them - but I want him to be attracted to learning for its own sake, not just 'this is what they've asked for and I'm doing the minimum to meet what they want purely in order to avoid getting into trouble so I don't end up crying and being called a cry baby (even if what they ask for makes no sense and I don't know why i'm doing it)'. But I'm not sure what you can put on an IEP to help avoid that!!! Thanks again!!! <'> A lifebelt in exceedingly choppy waters.

Absolutely. It's 'social' imagination not imaginative 'play' that's missing. They can have so much imagination that they can't distinguish between reality and their own imagination. It's scary when even the professionals don't understand the criteria!!! I'm new too - have an 11 year old son who has just started secondary school and only recently diagnosed. The knowledge that he has something specific has really helped him. It also explains some family stuff, too, which has made many things easier to handle.

My son has just entered yr 7. His dx (dated July 2005) says that high functioning autism is the best fit. The school received a letter from the paediatrician asking them to deal with him as if HF-ASD. They did nothing at all for the first half term. They didn't even follow the advice in the occupational therapist's report regarding his difficulty with writing eg provision of laptop or similar. I found a pen in a catalogue which he seems to like and that's it!! Long story short, after two meetings with us, they are refusing to accept the paediatrician's 'meandering' letter to them. They want a firm and proper diagnosis, otherwise eg they will not and cannot allow him to see the Autism Outreach officer. And they are most certainly determined not to listen to our descriptions of his inner life and outer needs. They keep saying 'where's the evidence'. And then refuse to accept our input. As far as I know, I can contact the autism outreach officer and invite her in so it's a load of old tosh. But I don't know what to do first/for the best. The SENCO was in a complete paddy!!! And the Head joined in!!! And this is a school which talks about learning by caring!!! I felt like telling them I wouldn't allow my son to act out in this way - and then I got tongue-tied because I was worried they'd tell me I was a terrible parent for being too strict with him!!! She also told me I had no right to be in the meeting when they discussed the IEP with my son - even tho I had put in writing that I wished to be there - she told me that she did it when she had time and it was done already!! And then we found out later that she hadn't after all. I find it impossible to believe that adults, professionals can be playing power games like this. I feel physically sick every time I think of the meeting - I've never been treated with such contempt in my life!!! And I've clearly got it so very wrong. Let my son down. Failed him and failed everyone. How do I repair things?

LOL - That made me laugh. Thanks for that!! :-) We had a letter from the Secondary school today saying they have decided to put him on School Action Plus and will spend the next few weeks doing assessment amd gathering information before contacting us about drawing up an IEP. Does that mean they've spend the whole of the first half term doing nothing??! And if they had the results of the 'previous' School Action Plus during the vacation...what more are they going to do?? We've done the ed psych, the occ therp, the physiotherp, and the paediatrician. They have the reports. What else do they NEED????? Oh, and the other thing which 'got' to me - the primary school IEP made many comments about my son's dependence and reliance on his dad. I have had SO many discussions (aka arguments) with my AS hubby about NOT doing everything for him because it's disabling and doesn't help him become independent (and he DOES want to be independent tho very open to opportunities for laziness!!) - again WHY didn't they challenge US instead of blaming the child for lack of independence!!! Their challenges would have been helpful. Not their fault I guess - but I'm growling!!!!!

Yes, I think that's what it's called. If it's published in 2005 it must be the one. Half an hour passes quite quickly as it covers every age group but you see a young man at 6th form college who feels so much better for being there - and several people say what a difference it has made to him. And there's a young woman who reads a book she's created, very lively, very communicative and you realise that she's living independently. And a super headteacher who makes you feel good and very hopeful just cos he's clearly a great head and an all-round warm and cuddly person!!! Every school and every college should have just such a head - relaxed and kindly and understanding.

Well, I phoned the primary school to find out where we HAD been on the system and discover we were at School Action Plus - and he has had at least TWO IEPs written which I'd never seen and TWO Reviews of Special Educational Needs which we weren't privy to either! We didn't have a single meeting during his last year at school. There were several comments about his poor attendance which I don't even understand. I was always sending him in when he didn't feel well but he did have several mornings off for appointments with the specialists he was seeing as a result of School Action Plus!! And there were comments about him being late! He was always on time to our knowledge - we took him to school in the car. If there were problems with lateness and attendance why didn't they talk to US? How can a child be responsible for being late and attendance??? I'm thoroughly angry and confused as these have also been forwarded to the secondary school. Anyway. if I can scrape myself off the ceiling...what happens next? Do you know what the relevance is of something called CAPS???

Lincolnshire Autistic Society has just produced a DVD which show ASD children and teenagers and the choices they have made. She will see positive experiences of specialist colleges for teens if you can get hold of a copy.

Hi HectorsHouse. I went to my first local ASD parents meeting this evening - it was good to make some connections. I discovered what the Parents Partnership is and how to access it. Understood a bit more about all the jargons (Action+ and IEPs) - and now recognise what it is that I don't know!!) And...I got through to your blog - wow! Tough journey. It's half term next week so I've decided to put my angst away for a fortnight (as advised this evening!) and start afresh immediately afterwards. Thanks so much for your reply. Everything is like a jigsaw at the moment and every new bit of input helps put everything else I hear into context. Getting there! :-) (Actually, I still feel pretty confused but I WILL get there ;-))

I am very confused about all this. My son received a diagnosis of ASD (high functioning) during the summer holidays - in between leaving primary school and starting secondary school. We believe it's Aspergers but the paediatrician who wrote the report said that we'd get more support by using the phrase ASD otherwise the school would be looking out for behaviour which he wasn't demonstrating (to her!) As it is I'm very concerned that he's being seen as one of the 'naughty boys' (his words) BECAUSE they don't have the right criteria for assessing his behaviour and supporting him. But what do I know??? In addition, what's with the IEPs etc?? We had spoken briefly to the SENCO during an introductory evening a term ago but anticipated that the school would want to meet with us once they had the official report and before he started the term to discuss things. We then anticipated that they'd want to have a meeting within a week or so of starting - and then thought well, they want to wait to see how he settles in. Aaagh - terrible mother - nothing is happening and i should have got in sooner!!? I've written a couple of letters to 'explain' my son's difficulties and sent the SENCO a copy just to keep her up to date. The first resulted in an irate teacher phoning me back - fortunately I'd had enough sleep and was feeling fairly balanced that day but it took a lot of effort to bring her round. Defensive or wot!! As far as I can remember my note was simply an account of what would otherwise be invisible and some suggestions for ensuring he was taking in what she was saying. I also sent a copy of that one to the TA. There is also a pastoral teacher for year 1 (super lady) and a new (fierce by all appearances but I suspect he's a pussycat really) form teacher but he seems to have a downer on boys generally which isn't helping. I just don't know 'which way in' - how to handle this - what to expect - should there be an IEP, should we be involved...??? We dutifully write a note each week in his homework book but we've never received a comment back although I believe they read it and act on it as he always seems happier the day after they've read about some problem or other. I asked for a meeting iwth the SENCO over a week ago but haven't heard anything back. I don't know whether the reminder I've enclosed today of our request will result in anyting. I've grown to hate using the phone as a result of difficulties with my AS mother (it must have acted like aversion therapy!!). As you can probably tell, I can't see the wood for the trees and feel completely lost - can anybody help me find a way in??

Although I felt relieved that the boy hadn't murdered his mother, it's a moot point because he did in fact kill her. In fact, it showed AS as creating behaviour which is aggressive, out of control and a danger to life. I was hoping for something that would help me open a dialogue with people who don't yet know about AS. It also demonstrated AS as something very visible to the eye - things didn't 'look' right about that young man in the film. I'm sorry I missed the Holby City episode. Before we knew about AS, my son's aggression started to get channelled into something a little more positive via martial arts. It was his choice. I wasn't keen to begin with (he might get hurt!) but I recognised quite quickly that it teaches good attitudes and positive use of aggression. He threw himself into it, earned several sashes and learnt that he could defend himself. That gave him self-confidence so he expresses the aggression less in physical terms although I am aware that he still thinks in terms of physical aggression as a response to most hurts. The way the sensory issues were demonstrated was great : how he could be totally different according to his environment (he looked like a totally different young man in the neutral room). We love Monk - all of us. That was before we knew about AS. Looking forward to a new series and wondering how we will react to it with our new perspective! I don't think of the AS folk in my life as having OCD but there's so much I realise I never realised that nothing is certain any more!!!

Hi Kathryn - Looks like we were posting at the same time. You sound completely burnt out and need a big rest - most especially a big rest from guilt. (Hugs) I'm just wondering if your daughter gets her own way at the expense of the wishes of the family cos it's too tiring to do otherwise or because of the guilt or because she is more deserving? In every family there is give and take - so what about striking a deal? One weekend she chooses what the family does (eg stay at home) but then each member of the family gets a weekend to choose. I hope you choose a weekend away just for yourself. :-) That's the other thing I learnt - like in an airplane, you give yourself the oxygen before you give it to your child - you have to look after yourself first otherwise you can't look after anyone else. It helps defeat the guilt feelings once you realise that looking after yourself is actually looking after the person who needs you most. So enjoy your time at work and make the most of it - just as our bodies repair themselves most in sleep, I think that allowing ourselves to forget the angst for a while helps other bits of us to get some repair, too. I'm still working on this for myself. :-) {Hugs}

I found Donna Williams' thoughts about Exposure Anxiety very useful. I've found with my son that every tiny experience, everything he fights against, has a key. If I keep knocking on the door and keep him with me metaphorically until I can find the right key, then he is suddenly off and running. I've asked him if he can start looking for a key on his side of the door. haha : He said 'but there won't be room for both keys - what do we do then' LOL "Well, whoever finds the key first will be able to open the door." and he seemed to quite like turning it into a competition!! ;-)

Hi there - The description you gave could be a description of my own son - he's 11, almost 12. Officially ASD (high functioning) but we believe Aspergers. If he has the same father as your other Aspergers child, then the genes would surely indicate serious consideration of the possibility?! If a psychiatrist deals in mental illness and Aspergers isn't a mental illness which can be 'cured' by drugs then...You need a paediatrician who specialises in this area, not a psychiatrist. Hope you manage to get onto the right lists. Good luck!!

Because I had an AS mother who was totally neurotic about my own 'business', I have always refused to make any kind of issue about my son's!! When he was a baby, he'd go days without a dirty nappy! I put it down to thoughtfulness LOL ;-) He didn't seem to have any discomfort, it was just his own rythym. Since he started school, he's refused to 'go' during the day and saves it all for late evening. It's as tho' he can finally relax, takes a book, sits for ages and likes to be left in peace!! Like Daisyproudfoot put it, his 'back up' the loo, too. Real torpedos. Exactly like his AS dad (his are more like submarines, tho'!!)!!! I've never tried to make him 'go' in the morning although it goes against what I think one 'ought' to do!! ;-) So...idiosyncratic 'style' rather than constipated - ???