darkshine

Sorry if I made you sad (or anyone else) I was just trying to explain how it is

I don't know if anyone will read this, but in reference to parts of this conversation about post numbers and stuff, is that why that thing changes? On mine it said norfolk broads and now it says salisbury hill, and I've seen mont blanc and kilamanjaro (sorry if spelled wrong can't be bothered to check). What others are there? Does it go back down again as well as up?

Hello again Kinda wish I hadn't asked I've never heard of reddit - just googled it - don't think its my kind of thing I'm often accused of being naive and I think that is the case here cuz I haven't really thought about much of what you just said before. The mining thing makes me laugh cuz I would never have thought of it - especially as I look for the posts with low counts when looking through the posts cuz surely its these people who need the reply? Anyway, thanks for filling me in - I appreciate your opinion - I'm pretty clueless in forum dept, am ok with technology and stuff, just not conventions that occur in social situations whether actual of virtual or whatever form they may be If people learn anything about me on here - I'd like the first thing for them to realise is that I don't mind what people say (unless they are unnecessarily abusive), I like how people have different opinions and I think its good to hear it because we should challenge our opinions to make sure they are balanced and up-to-date and not just a regurgitation of old opinions or other people's. (Shame I can't do this about my opinion of my self but hey, at least I can do it in other matters)

Your use of language is blowing my mind I'm not sure if this is the kind of thing your after? http://www.plosone.org/article/info:doi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0004867 check out the references for other articles Have you tried Google Scholar?

Hi Baddad, The service I see isn’t discharging me at the moment, they are saying that they don’t know what to do, that the services here don’t cater for this and they don’t know if anything is available, this is very isolating and frustrating because I’m left not knowing what to do and thinking that they are just going to fob me off, because they were seeing me regularly before the dx and now they aren’t, there is a asd group in a town several miles away but the only way to get there is by bus and I am unable to do that either. It might sound like I think all the negative things are cuz of AS but I don’t, what I’m finding negative is dealing with this on my own. Things like low self-esteem, low self-worth, depression, hating myself, my body, my life, my voice, my face, the fact I shouldn’t have existed in the first place etc are not because of AS. Also the many bad events that happened I don’t blame on AS either, what does make me stressed is the ‘what if’, if my family knew would they have treated me differently? Would they have understood? Could it have helped at school? Could I have been taught the things I’ve had to learn when I was younger, instead of the painfully slow way that I taught myself, with a lot of ridicule and shunning by others. Could I have learnt life skills and all that sooner? If none of these things had happened, would I feel how I do now? If my family hadn’t been how they were would I have got depressed in the first place? If I knew that things were different for me than for them could I have understood everything 20 years earlier. Things might have been better, though they could have been worse too. Where I think AS is relevant is it may provide an explanation for some of the things that I personally never understood, there are things that there was never an explanation for: Like everything just not making sense, not caring about people but wanting a friend so badly I would cry from the loneliness, loud noises hurting head and making me curl up and scream, crowd noises being worse than a freight train, I can’t look in people’s eyes – it feels like they burn into me, I struggle to understand people’s meanings, moods, emotions and I take them too literally, and I don’t always get jokes, wanting to run away when there’s too many people, I can’t do things if someone watches me, I collect things to extremes and get obsessed over weird things, the labels in clothes drive me insane and I can only wear certain types of clothes, materials etc, I have to keep my hair really short because the weight of it hurts my head, I can’t stand anyone touching me but I crave contact, people seem to have this circle of stuff around them that I can feel, it’s like an aura or something, like static and energy and if it feels negative I don’t want to be anywhere near them, it’s bigger on some people than others and varies in intensity, I hate wearing socks (hate it hate it hate it) and don’t really like wearing shoes, movement of things like people and traffic goes too fast and confusing and every object outside seems to leap at me for attention, this makes me very stressed and anxious, a couple of embarrassing ones are when I forget and start walking around on tiptoes, when I just have to touch things, and when I get stressed I knee tap, kick, stamp, hit myself, rub my hair really hard, bite myself and I can’t not do it. The happy ones are spinning, bouncing and hand tapping. I just don’t understand this world or the people in it, I’ve never fit in and I don’t know where my place is. I get these stupid impulsive urges to do anything from hit someone, to touching something hot, to wanting to break something delicate. When I’m talking to people I go on way too long and they get annoyed and if I actually have an argument I can’t stop until I have some sort of meltdown or I’m so horrid to them that they cry. I can’t touch cotton wool ever! Along with several other things that have crunchy fibres – even typing that bit freaks me out. I don’t know if I love anyone or not, even my parents, I cry when people die but I’m not sure if this is because I love them or because it interferes with my routine – I think I love them but then I can also not care if I ever see people ever again – until I get bothered again – it sounds very selfish but I can’t help it – I do miss people. I get attached to objects more than people. Everything I know, I have learned, and though that sounds dumb and a little obvious, I mean I’ve actually really had to try so very hard to learn it – if people do this then I should do that, when this happens - I should do that, and so on, I mimic people’s facial expressions and reactions and their tone of voice as I increase my repertoire. I hate it when I or someone says something and then I can’t stop saying it and I keep saying it ‘til the word loses all meaning and it doesn’t even look like English anymore and makes no sense, it loses its reality – another annoying one that makes me look like a nutter and drives everyone mad – fortunately this doesn’t happen as often anymore – happened a month ago with the word ‘soon’. I quite often am alone in my own company and can lose hours by myself then other times I feel like I’m sitting on the outside looking in on this functioning world around me and I’m sad that I can’t be a part of it, and that I can’t be me, I always have to try to be this normal thing to fit in with everyone else because they don’t accept the types of behaviour I have so I have to be very rigid and self-controlled, locked away and shut off, the real world cannot see me at any cost because they won’t like who I am, they’ll judge me and that will be even worse. I don’t recognise people I know in the street (even my family) until they leap in front of me. Food is a complete nightmare – if I never had to eat again I would be happy (apart from KFC and chocolate). On top of that I get days where I am so clumsy it’s unreal where I just lose the plot and bruise my arms and legs bumping into doorframes and cupboards or falling up the stairs (yes up them). I like things that melt. I absolutely hate small talk – it feels like reading lines from a play and I wonder why people lie or why they even do this? I don’t care about most of that rubbish and I stand there I shout in my head and try to say the right things and hope they go away quick. People tell me I say things I shouldn’t but I don’t see why and then other times I say nothing at all and even if I want to my mouth won’t open and let me say them. I think using logic a lot of the time and this seems useful in some ways but emotionless and blunt in others and also the logic isn’t always right. I’m stopping there cuz this is like 1300 words now…

I've tried telling the MH team, and my carer has too, I've also written it in a dozen ways. I've thought about using a tape recorder and seeing if I can say things that way so I won't be side-tracked or interrupted.... I'm trying to look into other services but I don't really know what I'm looking for...

Positivity and self-worth have been a big problem for many many years, nothing seems to work and I don't know what to do about this, I have seen people about it in the past but for various reasons it hasn't worked (personality clashes, not enough time on their part, me)

It feels a difficult time, I don't know much about NAS, my carer lives with me, and at this time I'm not interested in anything (this will change eventually - I hope sooner rather than later).

Hello, I'm in need of some advice because I'm a hypocrite, I've always been fine with anyone who has a disability, medical condition, or has something 'wrong' with them (whatever that may be). But now I've been diagnosed with AS I'm totally not fine with it. At least I’m an honest hypocrite (this is actually hard to admit to), I don't see why it should make a difference, but it has and it is. What’s worse is I’ve spent around 11 years being messed around and being passed from pillar to post while achieving nothing before getting to this point. I’m depressed, to the point of appearing entirely without empathy or interest in anything, I’m constantly tired and I sound like a broken record moaning about pain and tiredness. I don't go out, I don't see anyone, I struggle a lot with depression and many associated problems, crowds are impossible and noises drive me mad. I don't know what to do, there are no ASD specific services within a range that I can get to and the mental health services I do have access to are offering very little help whatsoever and I don't know how to ask cuz I feel bad for asking, i feel like I should cope and it sounds demanding and weak to keep moaning about things. The problem is I'm not coping, there has been no support at all for this diagnosis, they just dropped the bombshell and sent me on my way and I don't know if I'm useless because its affected me to the point that I'm not doing anything now, or if I'm pathetic cuz I want to ask for help. Ever since that I can’t get interested in anything. What I want is a degree of "normality" in the sense of being able to function better with daily life. What isn't normal or healthy is that I sit in bed for over 20 hours a day every day because I feel safe there. I don't know where to go or who to ask. There’s a care coordinator that I see but nothing happens to help and the meetings are few and far between – my last contact with anyone to speak of was around diagnosis time 3 months ago. I have no family nearby and no friends/support to turn to and I have no access to a car and public transport is still a nightmare for me. A respite agency sends a worker every Thursday to get me out of the way so ‘my carer’ can have a break and on Monday’s some woman from another agency comes and we go through a charade of hell as I try to ‘get used’ to going into a nearby town in the hope I can do it alone, its actually making things worse but I am told to stick with it (it’s been a year and it is NOT helping!!!) I’m in so much pain: mental, emotional and physical that I feel dead inside, and this has triggered one of those times in my life where I can’t even cry, I might feel better if I could cry… Maybe it would be easier if I could shout and scream and harm myself and cry my eyes out and maybe someone could see how I’m feeling – I assure you I am doing all this inside – it’s just that no one can see so they think I’m ok. I’d appreciate any comments, similar experiences or even people moaning and telling me to get a grip, but what I’d really really like is some advice on what to do, is there any help out there? Are there people familiar with ‘the system’ that can say what things I should be looking for, and when I FINALLY go to my appointment (at the end of June) with the guy who assessed me – what should I say to him to see if there’s anything anyone can do to lend me a helping hand through this because I’m honestly lost. I thought my life was rubbish last year but it’s definitely gone downhill more. And the worst thing is this hollow deadness, I can’t even react! I’ve read other’s posts and I wish I felt like that because in a way it’s better than this limbo-type nothing.

Thanks Charlotte, I'm one of those people who in social situations just doesn't get heard, I get negative responses a lot and people quite often don't listen to me, which is funny to me, cuz when someone actually does listen and talk to me they say I'm good at listening and my advice is good. Quite often in group conversations (these don't happen often as I avoid them) I try to speak several times without anyone even noticing and the conversation just carries on as if I don't exist. I think this post is a bit like having a trial run and to check to see if anyone's listening - I guess its a bad habit from face to face experience... I'll actually bite the bullet and post my post shortly - I just need to check what I'm saying for the 15th time... Another problem I have is people quite often don't understand me so I have to think about how I'm saying things a bit or people get even more confused and then I find it harder to be clear about what I mean.

31770 - the 'cure' was just a sort of joke - not a very funny one really, more an ironic one as I know I'm being stupid but can't always stop it. I wonder what a couple of things you said mean so I hope you check back. 1. mining for posts? 2. simply a respnse fueled by arrogant self assertion? Sorry if I sound even thicker but I figure its best to ask if you don't know something... And thanks for your reply, it kinda helps

I know its things like the following that illustrates my weirdness but I just can't do it any other way! I have never been a member of a forum, I have never asked people I don't know for help or advice before, especially when we haven't even met! I don't tell many people many things. What if no-one answers? or no-one can help? or everyone in the world hates me? and a million other really stupid questions are running round my head (fortunately I can't type fast enough to type them all) I'm not seeking reassurance. I just want to know if someone out there has any knowledge about what I should do? and if they have, will they post a reply? - since I'm now sounding quite mental - and since I'm actually going to post this - I'm gonna stop typing now... and send my actually post later - for some reason - if anyone has a cure for whatever it is that I'm doing right now please give it me - or failing that hit me over the head......... And as if this wasn't bad enough already I can't even leave it there and this isn't even my actual post for goodness sake but it occurred to me that maybe this is a place where it might not matter? I often toy with the idea of elective mutism..... except I just can't shut up

Charlotte, I understand what you are saying and in an ideal world I wouldn't want to rely on 'professionals' at all, its just that the only friends I have live miles and miles away and are only contactable by email and to be perfectly honest they aren't great in terms of support, I understand why, they don't want to hear about my endless depression and problems, over the years I have tested this and as soon as I have an issue they all disappear, if I lie and appear 'normal' they all stick around. They are all fine talking about money issues, or arguments for example, just not mental health... This is why I don't know what to do and the only advice I have so far is my own - and this isn't the most trustworthy of sources as I don't always see things clearly. Does Autscape have one location or many?

Hi Hughey, I like the sound of you I'm sorry but your sentence about the best part of your life being over when your still only 22 made me smile - I'm only 30 and I nearly had a breakdown over my 30th birthday last year! It feels like I've lost something, and this isn't something new, I felt it at many ages before now. The hardest question people ask me is "what do you want to do?" because I sit here b**chin as well cuz its all passing me by but I don't know what to do to make that feeling go away. What is the 'best part' of life? Being a child? An adult? Is it spent with others or alone? I think the best part could happen at any time and sometimes it needs hind sight to realise it. Like when something good happens, if you didn't get bad times, you wouldn't know when things are good would you? Personally I always realise things were good when its too late and that time is going to end or does end, and then I get upset because I didn't realise it was good at the time - its quite irritating

I like your post mumble, and can appreciate your points Katherine I think the thing your describing could also be called 'grass is greener' syndrome I think we all are guilty of this, as people, because a hell of a lot of people never seem satisfied. I know I'm not! In a weird way I'm proof of your point because even if I always had AS, I believed that I was NT (even though it didn't feel like it) and nothing has really changed in terms of the content of this discussion and when I thought I was NT it definitely was far from rosy

Don't know if me answering to all your posts today is gonna annoy anyone (I'm paranoid this evening) but I wanted to reply to this as well so sorry everyone if I'm everywhere I have a list. A list of every single problem. It has existed for many years and occasionally gets added to (the bulk of it was constructed at age 19-28) then I just got sick of writing, I've got diaries and journals, notebooks and loose pieces of paper (enough to fill 2 or 3 very large storage tubs!!) this lasted until a couple of years ago when I pretty much stopped writing cuz: 1. nobody helped 2. nobody listened 3. I just about said EVERYTHING (some things I didn't write but most I did write about) 4. I started boring myself I'm not sure if there's anything therapeutic about this - but for me it was a way of getting it out of my system even if it was a page of swearing - if anyone uses this method here's a top tip - if its derogatory, hurtful or mean throw it away afterwards so you don't read and relive unhelpful feelings. In response to weight, everything everywhere is geared at people trying to be this perfect, slim, unrealistic being, that part is not your fault cuz its everywhere in the media, tv programs, magazines and films, the part you have control of is making up your mind about what you think is right, and if you think you want to lose weight, then do it for you and not cuz the world says so. I have a personal hatred of diets (had a friend who got really screwed up) the word die isn't inside the word diet for nothing. It is always safer to see GP if badly overweight and view any change as lifestyle change (therefore permanent) and not dangerous options like quick fix fast options that are harmful and potentially don't work in the long term. Good luck

Hello again smiley everything you wrote here is exactly how I felt and sometimes still feel, I think I suffer from a major inferiority complex Is it sad to pray for help or sad to constantly need it? (just a general out in to the world type question as something inside me says the answer is no... I just don't believe it) I like that people here seem to understand though.

Hey smiley, I have experience with this, and how you describe BDD in your other post too though I've never been diagnosed with it. I felt like there were no triggers and when people said figure out what they are, it made me really mad cuz I thought there was none, but there were... one thought would lead to another and then a million more, I could have several lines of thought running along each other at the same time and it was very disruptive. Triggers were: thoughts, feelings, outside stimuli, lack of achievement, not being able to control everything and everyone in the world (and a million more stupid things that set it off). I don't get the cycling thoughts anymore (think partly due to meds and partly to a course of CBT a few years ago) though if I stop the meds it comes back. I identified the thoughts that were vicious as sort of belonging to what other's had said to me and then I took it like a hundred steps further to complete self-punishment, my head never used to stop, i was scared I was schizophrenic for a while because it felt like voices because the thoughts were so loud. At the time my mood was all over the place (meds keep it quite low now) but if your head is doing what your saying in your posts, it wouldn't be a shock that your mood will be effected by this. Don't know if any of this helps or not but I guess all of us can take comfort sometimes to knowing we're not alone in every way

thank you charlotte, I will look into those things and see what I think Throughout my childhood I wasn't in contact with any health professionals and I didn't see anyone about help until I was 18/19. I had loads of problems through childhood (a lot described on this forum) I was just one of the unlucky ones whose family either just didn't notice or refused to see what was right in front of them. They didn't even notice when I was suicidal and self-harming in my teens. I think that's where my anger comes from, although I have very little resentment towards my family any more, I am still angry that I could have got help sooner - its just this part of my mind that goes "what if?", obviously I'll never know if it would have made any difference, but I can't wondering... (In fairness I am very good at concealing my emotions from people - they look at me and think I'm fine so that wouldn't help) I don't get much help with the services now either, they just ask me what I want them to do, and I haven't got a clue, I just want to shout "make it better" and "shouldn't you know?!?", they tell me there is not much available for me and it feels like they are trying to palm me off now, like hey, you have asperger's and we don't deal with that, so I feel very lost, alone and confused... If anyone has any advice about this I would love to hear opinions

Your question at the end of your post is entirely my problem - except in my case it is me not telling anyone through my own choice not someone else's. I don't think your lecturer sounds very helpful or accepting of your issues, I've only recently been diagnosed and I can't face the idea of seeing people face-to-face in a support group (even if I could the nearest is 12 miles away and I can't get there) but if you can, why not go along and see? I don't know if they'll be loonies or not but I do know one thing from experience and that is that sometimes people that are classed as lesser than "normal" are often the ones who are most supportive, understanding, honest and make the most sense because they aren't ruled by the rubbish that supposedly normal people live by. As for understanding and acknowledging I guess you have a choice there, either make them understand and acknowledge this or drop it and let them pretend. This is one of the reasons I'm not telling people I know at this time because I don't have the energy to deal with their stuff as well as mine especially since the health professionals dealing with me just think I should be happy now I know what's wrong - except this doesn't take away all the other things unfortunately - like depression and social problems and depression from struggling with social problems etc... Hello by the way

Hello Katherine, I hope the experience goes as smoothly as possible for you, I don't know how everyone else feels but I understand about loneliness and isolation, I hope you find comfort and support from people, best darkshine

Thank you very much for your welcome messages, I think I am definitely on 'a learning curve' as Chris put it

Hello to both of you and thank you for your replies I just read my post again and in the attempt to not ramble on and on I realised I've actually said nothing at all! I come from the Midlands, but moved away about 13 years ago, one day just packed up and left home cuz I couldn't cope there. I've struggled with 'mental health' problems since I was about 14. I first had contact with mental health services about 6 months after moving here and have been passed from person to person within the service for all that time (12 years).Since the diagnosis my whole life feels different now because there's suddenly an explanation for all the things that didn't add up in my life, which in some ways is comforting and in others makes me feel like my life has been a lie, it also makes me angry for having no help through all the bad times. At this time I don't really go out, don't really see many people, and haven't told many people about what has happened. Extras - I am studying psychology with the open university - current module is social psychology. I like music - a lot - apart from jazz (sorry jazz lovers), I have pets (quite a few) and my interests in other things vary constantly but generally I like making things, fixing things and stuff like that. Sorry if I've gone the other way and said too much I guess I'm not sure and shy/nervous and stuff

Hello, I am pretty new to a lot of this... well I'm new to forums and new to aspergers (in a personal way). It's difficult to know what to say, I guess I want someone to say hello to me or something... Here's a little about me: I'm 30 and I only got diagnosed early this year, I joined this forum just afterwards, so its taken me a while to introduce myself (this is because I was busy being angry and confused). I guess I don't know what else to say because I have so much to say and I don't have a clue where to start, so I'll repeat my 'hello' and leave it there for now

I'm not sure if anyone has said this already but maybe she just enjoys the thrill of the chase - when your online you can be anything or anyone and people can seem so exciting and interesting and new, people seem to say more using computers or text messages (in terms of explicit things or honesty or whatever) they seem to feel more free to say things that they wouldn't always say to your face. Maybe that's the part she likes, the finding people but not the sticking around?