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Ichigo Kurosaki

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About Ichigo Kurosaki

  • Rank
    Scafell Pike
  • Birthday 06/24/1991

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  • Gender
  • Location
    East Berkshire
  • Interests
    animé and manga (Japanese animation), animé and video game music, modern Japanese music, NEO magazine, photography, abstract designing with my photographs, learning computing (in as many forms as possible), video games (in particular, Final Fantasy series, Dynasty Warriors series, Samurai Warriors series, and generally RPG, strategy games and point and click games like Hotel Dusk and the Ace Attorney series. Also MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Play Games). Basically games that I can escape into my own world with), learning Japanese, Chinese, and German, reading books, Romance of the Three Kingdoms Era of Chinese history, the Sengoku period of Japanese history, Chinese zodiac, ancestry, and trying my best to live a healthy lifestyle.

    I'm more active on DeviantArt lately as I'm trying to promote my artwork.

    My Gallery: http://rjbphotoanddesign.deviantart.com/

    My two blogs :-
    My life on the spectrum: http://as-bushido.tumblr.com/
    My interests: http://theworldiescapeto.tumblr.com/
  1. Hi LiveLine and Mihaela Thank you very much for your responses, , and I apologise that it’s been such a long time since I’ve responded to your replies, , I’ve not been on the ASD forum for a long while now, I’ve been busy trying to set up a new blog (https://livingwithasandspd.wordpress.com/) and Twitter account (https://twitter.com/toshiroh9). I’m not all that fond of Twitter as I find it very difficult to condense my writing into tiny little sentences with abbreviations, which is why I’m using my blog to channel my larger pieces of writing alongside. Self delusion, yes, this is a very interesting subject. The idea to ‘mask’ yourself to ‘fit in’, trying to be ‘normal’, ‘mimic’ neurotypicals. I have never understood any of those quotes, and I’ve never wanted to live by them. I am true to myself, I stay true to my values and principles. If my autism isn’t understood by those I’d be supposed to be ‘mimicking’, I wouldn’t want to be associated with them. What good is hypocritical people that say one thing one minute, and completely backtrack on every word they’ve spoken the next. In fact, it takes me back to my first ever forum thread on this forum, My Battleground Puzzle Mind. At the time I was friends with a neurotypical, writing to her on Facebook at the suggestion of my mother’s, a friend that I spoke very briefly to towards the end of primary school. I was in denial of the fact that she was friends with a bully of mine, a bully connected to an emotional bullying incident that cut me very deeply at my young and impressionable age. I saw her posting on Facebook about going on a trip with this bully and her brother. What I meant in the beginning of my forum thread was my mind and heart conflicting with each other in knowing what to do about the idea that my friend and this bully were friends. Since that time, for months, I put the idea to the back of my mind. That was a bad idea, but then I had no choice. I was alone, and I still am in many ways. I had to hold onto that friendship because what else could I do? I just began explaining to her the bullying I went through and how it affected me. She told me that bullies grow out of bullying, but I was expressing to her that it isn’t always the case, after all what about criminals and MPs? Do they care about people, or the damage they are causing to many people’s lives? No. However; I could tell that she couldn’t understand what I meant, -_-. Basically, it was earlier the following year that I found a following message on Facebook that my bully cooked my friend a meal. To me, this had many inclinations, and I just snapped. I felt this immeasurable intensity build up inside of me, much like the pinnacle of my breakdown at school. I needed to tell her about my bully, but I was so emotionally charged, I pinned the blame all on that one bully, when I reflected later, he wasn’t the only one in that class involved in that emotional bullying. Looking back on that class, I can reflect a lot was due to the fact that I switched classes to the last one in primary school. Someone I briefly spoke to from my class later on told me that she knew I was bullied, and she only saw me in that class for two years. How could she have known? The class must have been told before I switched classes that I was being bullied, which must have been the reason why I was so badly emotionally bullied on that very last primary school year. It left me with a scar, and a scar that lingered, off-shooting into additional emotional traumas. Anyway, to get back onto the message that I sent my friend, I never received a response from her, instead she wrote to my mother and she was blaming my autism for taking it too seriously. I was shocked and taken aback by those words. She told me in her previous messages that she didn’t judge people on their disabilities, so what was she doing accusing my autism? Talk about betrayal. Since that time she never wrote to me again. Our friendship spun one whole year, and ironically it was snowing at it’s entry and its departure. The gentle flurry becoming ice cold landing into my soul. These are the types of people we should be ‘masking’ ourselves to ‘fit in’ with, trying to be like them, to ‘mimic’ these neurotypicals? You cannot be sure who is genuine and who isn’t and when you find that people are outright hypocrites, it can take us a very long time to even work that out. Too long as far as I’m concerned, -_-. Why try to ‘fit in’ with people that are deluding themselves into thinking the world is a bed of roses, when evidence has proven the contrary? Delusion can only lead to destruction in the long term. You can ignore an issue for only so long before it comes back to bite you where it causes the most severe damage. Be that in terms of social interaction or the country and worldwide issues. At the loss of her friendship, I felt this sudden heart-wrenching pain inside of me, it was greater than the meltdown I experienced the first time I found out she was friends with my bully. I went through a much more intensive meltdown. This was because I was trying to hold myself, trying to explain my experiences to this friend in an attempt to try to show her the power of my bullies actions on me were. She couldn’t understand any of it, and the subject of emotional pain, especially when I found it so difficult to open up about at the time, telling a female friend felt like social suicide to me, -_-. This was all because I tried to control myself and express parts of what happened to me to my friend, but no matter how hard I tried, she still blamed my autism. Self delusion didn’t help me with my Facebook friend, it only led me into further destruction. I want to find more like-minded people, not try to meld my mind to ‘fit in’ with others. I am not ashamed of my values and principles, I wish to pursue them and find others that feel the same. Yes, I agree, I’m always aiming to be true to myself, even at the expense of losing that friend on Facebook. It took me a whole year to work out that she wasn’t true to herself, even her messages to me at that point completely changed. It was like I was talking to a completely different person. The truth is, and I’ve said this before in several places, is that too many people are wearing ‘masks’, when what lies beneath is something far more sinister. This is what has caused me so much trouble in the social world. What lies beneath each ‘mask’? Who truly cares, who truly understands, who would truly be interested in writing to me? These are all fundamental questions that I’ve tried so hard to find the answers to, and why should I have to spend so many years just to work out a simple fact? True or false, which is it? This is what takes me right back to my emotional pain when I was 13. After I was bullied in primary school, when I was 10, I was called a ‘creep’. It hit me like a sledgehammer, and I died inside the moment that word was uttered. I couldn’t talk about it for many years, but the moment I turned 13, something totally unexpected happened. I was confronted by three females, one of whom told me one of them liked me. After that emotional bullying, I was going through so much pain, I didn’t know truth from fiction. I couldn’t tell if these females were teasing me or were genuine. l just dismissed them politely. I thought it was all a dream, and that it never happened. That was until I was cursed two more times later as I came into contact with the female that liked me on two separate occasions. Both of which surrounded immense anxiety and I couldn’t go up to her, nor express my thoughts as my anxiety was through the roof. The reasons why I look back and consider that she may have liked me is her reaction on those two occasions. The first time she was shocked to see me and made a mistake in her bank clerking job. The second time she was sitting a long way from me, and she was waving at me, smiling, whilst I had my back to her. I didn’t even notice her until I turned around. True or false, how could I have known? How could I have known after I was emotionally bullied that someone truly liked me? I was bullied so much, I never even thought anything like that could ever happen to me. It did, but I totally missed it, and it has never left me. I used to constantly say, “You’re an idiot!”, every time I’m worried about emotional issues. Not to mention, I have immensely painful triggers on the subject of emotional feelings. About confusing the mind, I’ve become all too aware that there are organisations running in this country and abroad that are doing just that, confusing the mind, sending out misinformation, confusing hypnotic language, not to mention the sheer amount of trolls across the social networking websites all designed to sway our thoughts and values. Mihaela, you’re absolutely right. Unfortunately, there are too many people out there that believe that they have to ‘fit in’, yet you should know within yourself what is right and wrong, and not be influenced by the mass media culture, in whatever it’s forms. It doesn’t matter what the latest trend is, if it involves something that stands against what you know deep down is common sense and what is right. Allowing them to alter your thoughts and feelings turns you into a robotic zombie without a thought of your own. I do not wish to be a sheep led by shepherds, rather the outsider who knows that delving into the herd will lose your own identity. To the mass media and trends, not to mention the elite in general, see us all as numbers, purely statistics, rather than a human being with a voice. Be a voice, show people that you’re not a zombie, at least that is my aim. To prove that I am true to myself, to prove that I don’t live my life through falseness. I do not wish to conform to the status quo, I know I need to question it, analyse it, and work out what is truly going on.
  2. Hi nellie Thank you for your message, , and sorry for the delay in replying, . I had a feeling you'd recommend those. So, from what I've seen from the choices, I could either go to the Three Frogs Club in Wokingham or a few places in either Reading or Windsor. The best they have to offer in Bracknell is trampolining, and that sounds more suitable for children. I'm looking for groups for adults, not children, I'm in my early 20s after all, . Whatever the case, I'll see how it goes, none of them will be that easy to get to, but it's worth a try I suppose, . Thanks again, . Ichigo
  3. Hi everyone, I have been on the lookout for a type of social group for those with high functioning asperger's syndrome/autism around my area. I have difficulty with transport as I don't drive and neither does my mother. I live in Bracknell, so I wondered if anyone has any suggestions as to where I could go?
  4. Hi Lynne Thank you for your reply, . We wasn't sure whether sitting in the middle, in the arena, might have caused us to simply see other people's heads rather than the orchestra itself, . We were at the front row and at the end of the row as well so I didn't need to sit next to a stranger, . You just needed good eyes to see from that far away, . The visuals on the screen were perfect though and really suited the music well, . Yeah, my mum has always been there to support me one way or another however she can. Although, because she has anxieties herself, it can be just as hard for her sometimes, but we try our best preparing ourselves in any way we can in advance. I printed off floor plans for the Royal Albert Hall, and also of the roads around the area. I even found an interactive view of the concert hall itself and tried to find where we would be sitting. We prepare ourselves to give us as little stress as possible. What scares us the most is the volume of people, unfamiliar environments, getting there and coming back, things like that. She found it just as hard to cope as I did sometimes, but we try our best to hold each other up, as we only have each other at the end of the day. I have a couple of friends, but unfortunately one of them couldn't come to the Royal Albert Hall as she was working on the same day as a hairdresser, and she had clients booked for that evening, . My other friend is new, so I wasn't sure how it would have looked if I asked her if she would like to go, plus I only had three tickets and I was worried how my new friend would take that, she probably would have wanted someone else with her, so in the end we ended up going alone, with an empty seat, . It's a shame, I really wanted to be able to share that experience with someone else, other than my mum of course, . My mum really liked the singing of Answers for Final Fantasy XIV (14th) by Susan Calloway, and I also thought she sang well as well. Although, I knew Eyes on Me better because I grew up playing Final Fantasy VIII (8th), and I knew that the woman that sang that song, Crystal Kay, also originally sang the third ending theme for Fullmetal Alchemist, an animé (Japanese animation), so for me, it was like connecting the game and animé world with that song, . Especially since Fullmetal Alchemist was the first animé that I watched when I questioned what it was, and so researched into it further online. Anyway, I didn't expect them to play at least one song from each game, that was great because I haven't been able to complete all the games, . Still, I'll be trying my best to get tickets for the next one when or if it comes back again, and confirm with my friends ahead of schedule. Best wishes Ichigo
  5. Hi Sa Skimrande Thank you for your reply, . Well, Final Fantasy XII (or 12th), was the last Final Fantasy game on the PS2, the XIII (or 13th) is on the PS3. As for understanding it, it is basically a story based game that you can get lost in. It's just it doesn't necessarily explain the story straight away, you just have to adapt to the virtual world and in time you begin to understand the story. In other words, you play the game, pick up on the story as it flows and become familiar with the characters, storyline, music, graphics, etc. and before you know it, you've been playing the game for hours on end, . Anyway, it's a type of game I play to lose myself in, drown out the world around me, and fixate on the screen in front of me. It's a great way to drown out horrible experiences around you, as I did from horrible school memories, . I liked Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within as well, . It's more of a sci-fi film than a fantasy though, but that's not a bad thing, . There is another film of Final Fantasy called Final Fantasy VII (7th): Advent Children, but to understand that you'd have to complete Final Fantasy VII because it takes off from where Final Fantasy VII left off. There's fantastic visuals in both films, and I like them both, although technically I haven't finished Final Fantasy VII either, but I know of the characters, and some of the story, . Yeah, I see what you mean about Rez, though to be honest, I don't think I've ever played it, or the other games you've mentioned, sorry, . I've seen games that look similar though that I've played online though, but they are more like the classic arcade plane shooting games. As for Medal of Honour, I'm not keen on first person shooter games as I prefer games with storyline where I can just escape from reality into a world of my own, the virtual fantasy world, . I have tried playing first person shooters once, but I got bored with them quickly. The only games I really play that is in first person, are games that are fantasy based, like Skyrim. It's a big expansive world, with a lot of story, graphics, you can freely explore the map and caves, and choose whose side you wish to be on with a bit of politics making you decide whose side is more just. As for Special weapons over Normandy and Jedi Fighter, well, I've tried flying games in the past but I find it difficult to work the controls, and it's hard to not crash, . Oh and by the way, I am also stuck on games as well, especially Final Fantasy IX (9th), as I hate time limits and it caused me to get stuck and I was lost in a maze like scene in a castle, . I'm not sure what Haven - Call of the King is like, it looks fantasy based, I might look into that further and see what it's like, thanks for telling me, . I tend to prefer the Japanese style games like Final Fantasy, Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors, Ace Attorney, Okami, animé (Japanese animation) games, that sort of thing. I do like RPG (Role-Playing Games), point and click, strategy and games like that in general though. Best wishes Ichigo
  6. Hi Lynden Thank you for your reply, . I know, I went to the Distant Worlds 25th Anniversary concert at the Albert Hall as well. I had to go with my mum of course as it would have been far too stressful on my own, not that it wasn't anyway, but I was looking forward to it all year, and I never expected it to be a celebration event, . That was a good surprise, . We had to take a taxi all the way to the Royal Albert Hall from where we live and then took us back home again when it finished. It was a lot of money but we couldn't do it any other way, it's extremely difficult for us to travel, . Anyway, I enjoyed the whole experience, apart from the crowds and such, . I liked all the songs, but especially the songs I could remember the most and grew up with as I have a connection to them. I just wish I could learn to play the keyboard so that I could practice a few of them, -_-. Ah well, I'm glad I went, though I missed the event last year, , still, it was brilliant, and I even got a t-shirt, , although, with the busy crowds and such, I missed out on getting the program booklet as I felt I didn't have enough of a chance to speak out to mum about it, the merchandise stand was such a small area for all of us buying them, and it was getting difficult to cope at that point, . Mum has anxieties as well, but when it comes to me, as long as mum is there beside me, it gives me a little strength, or should I say, I require a lot of reassurance and encouragement from my mum, . Anyway, I loved the visuals and hearing the music live was really special. As soon as the concert began and music started playing, my eyes became watery, , still, it was a good memory and I'll always remember it with fond thoughts, . Where were you sitting? We were in the stalls tier around the middle. Best wishes Ichigo
  7. darkshine Thank you for your reply, , and sorry for the late reply, , a lot happened over the weekend again, . Yeah, faking and tricking is certainly something I couldn’t do anyway. I’m not strong enough, pains are always brought to the surface with me, and I couldn’t control it even if I tried. Maybe it can work for some people, but I don’t think that type of approach is right for me. I know what you mean, and yes, I do speak like that. Yes, I do want to learn, but it has to be in a way I can cope with. I think being able to cope with something is very important to those on the autistic spectrum. So, I need to feel that I can try before I attempt something. If it does sound achievable then I’ll try, but it has to be on a grounded level, so that I am not pushed beyond my own coping level. That is the case, I am in a deadlock. I think that compromise is an ugly word when you have AS, we find change very difficult, and combine that with a trauma and past experiences and that becomes even uglier. Honestly, I think it being difficult is an understatement, -_-. I understand where you’re coming from, and yes, I fully understand, but at the same time, I really think I need guidance in a one-to-one situation where my anxiety levels will not, metaphorically speaking, shoot through the roof. I do want to learn, but at the same time, is there no way that I could achieve that without being subjected to greater harm in order to achieve that, without spending out a fortune? Is that so unrealistic, ? I suppose with the lack of support in this country for those with ASD, it probably is, , and I think I’m answering my own question here, . I really hate this as this is exactly the reason why my mind has been in utter chaos over this ever since the 139a document came. What I don’t understand is that I had the kind of education from behind my bedroom door on a one-to-one basis when I had the statement. When the statement ended the LA didn’t want to pay that any more, but yet I am entitled to help with education up till the age of 25. If that is the only way I can learn, and it proved it worked that way as I passed exams, then why couldn’t they do that again, instead of forcing me into a situation that I cannot cope with, and they know it? When I think longer and harder about it then I wonder whether online learning could be an option, but I need someone there in a presence that couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see them. When the tutors talked to me from behind my bedroom door, they were far away, but I could send things easily to them under the door. Being able to exchange things that quickly and efficiently online will be difficult, . They’d also have to understand my difficulties and wouldn’t rush me and structured the lesson, or learning structure, giving me an open ended schedule so that I am not pressurised and a starting point; I find it really difficult working under pressure and find it difficult to start and end things. If it could match all of that then, maybe, just maybe, I could consider it. It would be a push, there is no doubt about that, but I may try to try it and see, but I wouldn’t be promising anything. Best wishes Ichigo P.S. I’m really sorry about not replying to your message on the other thread, I have been having a lot of trouble trying to get my head straight over it, . I didn’t mean to not write back to it, it is just very difficult to sort it out in my head, . I tried tackling it, several times, but I kept losing heart about half way through, I’m sorry, .
  8. Sally44 Thank you for your reply, , and sorry for my late reply, . Yes, I think I mainly display SPD, and I have heard that SPD can show OCD-like traits, I can’t confirm though if I just have SPD, as I am not a professional either, , then again with most “professionals” over here, I wonder how many are actually trained in ASD, . I was diagnosed with OCD in the beginning, though I definitely think that the SPD is by far stronger. I swear when it comes to OCD my oma (grandma in German) has it in heaps and bounds, . In the beginning, she flat out denied it, but as time has gone on we think she began to see that she might, but I think it is touch and go, . Oma said that when she was young, her mother, my great oma, saw how she and her sister cleaned the kitchen floor, but when she saw it, she said it was unclean and tipped dirty water on the floor and asked them to redo it, as she said that it wasn’t as clean as she thought it should be. My oma isn’t as bad as that, but I think that she probably got it from her mother but in a slightly smaller form. She is so precise with everything from the curtains, to her bed sheets, to checking the taps are turned off, she is also so concerned about how clean things are, like her net curtains. She is also worried over where those across the road can see her and are spying on her. Time, position, cleanliness and such all play a big part for her. I am not THAT bad with OCD, , it is definitely at a lower amount than SPD. I’ve probably got more of the hoarder side of OCD than anything, ; my room is always cluttered with lots of games and books and such, . I do fret over touching and treading on things, but I think it is a fear of the textures and such than anything else. As for the toilet, well, I think that could be a heavy mixture of SPD and OCD. Sorry, when I explained my difficulties with SPD and OCD, I never mentioned all of it, . I can understand your son’s worries with touching shoes, but I can touch my shoes, just not the underneath of them. I don’t worry about my bare feet touching the floor, but I do worry if other people do so, , so I can certainly understand where he’s coming from. I can’t touch door handles either, the only door handle I might be able to touch, at a push, would be my bedroom door, for everything else, I use my t-shirt, . I prefer wearing long sleeved t-shirts as it makes grabbing a hold of door handles a lot easier, and can act as a guard against the accidental brush against skin. I can understand why your son wouldn’t want to go anywhere near where a dog may have wee’d or poo’d. I tend to get a little iffy when I approach a lamp post and such, , so I can understand where he’s coming from. As I said, I take a torch out when it is dark to spot out for anything slimy, that goes for snails, slugs and dog poo. As for baths, don’t get me started about that, ah, I used to remember screaming in the bathroom when I had a bath when I was young, due to my hair being washed and the feeling of soapy water dripping over my eye lids. My mum thought that other people must have thought that someone was being murdered, . My mum had to buy a special ringed head guard so that the water wouldn’t go into my eyes when my hair was being washed. As time went on I started to hate baths more and more, until eventually I changed to showers. I always need to have an old sheet on the bottom of the bath before I have a shower in the bath, if not, then I can’t go in there. I have always checked the bottom of the bath to make sure it is clean; no hairs and such, I have had arguments with mum over me checking how clean and clear it is. It was only a few years ago that I built up the courage to try washing my hair without a guard of some kind, now that doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Baths were and now showers are not easy things for me at all. I can’t even go in my family’s baths/showers, as it is somewhere where other people have washed in, ah, I get worried over ours enough, never mind about other peoples, . My worry with baths or showers doesn’t come from germs on me, more the condition of the bath/shower itself, but I can understand where it came from for him. I can also understand not wanting to touch the floor until your son gets to his bedroom, lol, I can see where it came from, though I am not as bad as that. I do have my own towels separate from the hand towels in the bathroom so that I don’t have to dry my hands or face with something other people have used, I keep them in my bedroom so that no one else sees them to make sure they don’t use them. I do go over some things over again, but not to that extent, more things like saving my document several times more than necessary and whispering under my breath to avoid disfavour. Yes, I can understand with the seriousness of your son’s condition then medication is definitely a good thing to keep it under control. As for myself, I am always so indecisive, , I am also very cautious over everything too. I think I need a lot of confirmation first before I make a decision. Yeah, about a fly landing on something in the house, yes, I’m not as bad as that. I do understand where he’s coming from though. Yeah, I have noticed the dominance of the SPD, and yes, I can see that your son is affected much more with OCD. I think I knew that my OCD wasn’t that severe, but I think when it comes to things such as the toilet, or stepping on slugs, snails, or in dog poo, it could be heavily in both OCD and SPD. I strongly feel the need to wash my shoes if I trod on snails, slugs, or on dog poo. I also have a certain ritual about the toilet as well. So, I think there is a greater influence of SPD but when it involves certain areas the OCD tends to get a lot bigger. My mum had gone to a tribunal and IPSEA had paid for two independent assessments, one by an educational psychologist and another by an OT who said I should have sessions every week, but as I said before the LA would not pay. The IPSEA representative wanted to call a consultant psychiatrist as a witness to demonstrate that the psychological elements of my autism would affect my education. He refused to attend. It also appeared to my mum that the judge at the tribunal had an issue with the IPSEA representative. In other words, my case was at a disadvantage because of this representative. My mum wasn’t aware that you could have another tribunal at the time. Also, my mum was looking after my oma, who just had a triple bypass operation at the time. Things were very difficult and very hard. She really had no independent support, and to be honest that has continued no matter how much she has fought. My mum and I had two supposed independent advocates who promised the earth, but just before my statement ended, along with my education, one of them came to my mum and told her that she was being paid by the LA to shut her up, and both advocates disappeared without fulfilling their promises. My mum has made two complaints over the lack of support I was given and neither of them were addressed. Also the professionals never listen to mum, . I completely understand where you’re coming from; it is disgusting that we have to pay out such large sums of money to prove the truth. It is reasons such as this that I wonder how in the world an individual with ASD would cope, . Thank you, my mum and I will try pursuing that, ; however, we do have problems where we live as the LA is not cooperative with my mum. I very rarely see a GP as I have difficulties with that. The surgery itself is also not very understanding or supportive and the GPs keep leaving and changing. Neither my mum nor I seem to be able to build up an understanding relationship with a GP as they keep leaving. They’re very young and have no interest in ASD, and it’s difficult to switch to other surgeries. From what we hear, the other surgeries are no different. Thank you for telling me about the website about OCD, I shall look it up to find out more, . I hope your son is coping alright with his OCD, I can understand why he is having such difficulty. Although I am not affected as bad in OCD, as it is my SPD that I think takes dominance, I can still see where he’s coming from. Best wishes Ichigo
  9. Sally44 Thank you for your reply, . Personally, I am not on medication to sort out my OCD, but in some senses, I get very conscious over the long term effects and side effects that might occur in taking them. So, I get very indecisive over it, as I don’t want to risk a chance of getting something worse to try to alleviate the OCD. When it comes to SPD, I haven’t actually been diagnosed as such; however, when I was 14 I had a professional assessment by an Occupational Therapist (OT) and I know that there are many elements within that assessment report that touch on many issues to do with SPD. The OT suggested I have therapy once a week but, although I had a statement of special educational needs, the Local Authority said that they wouldn’t pay for the weekly therapy, and unfortunately my mum, being a single parent, wasn’t able to afford to get the therapy privately. We think that as a consequence of that I may have suffered in the process. The more I see myself and the way I am towards touch sensations and such the more I can make a connection with SPD. I am 21 years old; my mum asks doesn’t OTs mainly only treat those up to 19? I have noticed my OCD affecting me in that if I feel I said or thought something offensive in any way, even in the slightest possible way, I feel I must whisper under my breath; “Excuse my language, or thoughts, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry”, because inside I fear that if I don’t I may be looked upon unfavourable. I am also very conscious over how I save Microsoft Word documents, I feel that I have to click the save button several times to confirm that I have saved it, as I get overly conscious over whether I may miss the save button and think I saved it but didn’t and I could lose the file. My mum has noticed sometimes in the past that I have had these nervous twitches, sometimes I don’t really notice that I do them as they are second nature to me, but sometimes I have a couple of anxiety ticks, one where I blink if my anxiety is high and another where I have noticed that I cringe; basically squeeze my hands together, or jaw in a certain way when I get high levels of anxiety or when I get excited. I don’t know if this is SPD, OCD, or AS in general though. Well, I don’t really feel to the extreme of people will die, get injured etc. but I do feel that if I don’t wear the cotton gloves then I will be exposing my heightened senses to each service I touch. It does happen and therefore I wear the gloves to prevent it. When I travel outside in the dark, I feel I must bring a torch with me in case I step on a slug or snail, and I do not want that to happen. I notice the squishing noise, and the feeling of stepping on one, and I cringe and I don’t want to experience that again, and so, I take precautions with a torch. When it comes to washing hands, I can constantly feel the sensation of the touch, it irritates me, and I know that washing my hands alleviates that feeling, and so I feel that I must wash the affected area as quickly as possible, or else, I won’t be able to touch that area again until I do. There have been times where I have pushed my hands away from me and kept them away from my face until I get to a hand gel or wash my hands. If the area that I touched, thing, object, or whatever that I have touched is really bad, like, I accidently brushed my hand against a spider or fly or something gruesome, I feel I must wash my hands about three or four times to alleviate it, and mask the feeling and smell. I also cannot lift the toilet seat without a tissue as I don’t want my hand to come into contact with the toilet. If one of my family members sucks their fingers, and I hear it and see it, or puts bare feet or legs somewhere I may come into contact with, then I cringe and my anxiety rises and I start getting agitated and can get a bit angry sometimes. I suppose they are compulsions, but in another way they are also precautionary measures as well. I don’t know what to think, it is not necessarily about germs as such, though in some cases it might be, it is more the feeling than anything else, either the prevention of or the counter for them. As for me whispering to myself, well I suppose that could be my OCD, but as for the cringing, I’m not sure. Best wishes Ichigo
  10. trekster I understand that it wouldn’t be easy to explain something like Autscape if I haven’t been, sorry, I was just curious. Yes, it may take a while to get through the book. I tend to find ways to keep my mind occupied so that the chaotic worrying thoughts don’t take over, , one step at a time, . Best wishes Ichigo
  11. darkshine Sorry for the late reply, . I’m sorry; it’s just that as these are deeper questions, they are becoming harder to reply to. I have the answers, as I know my own capabilities, but explaining them is a different matter, it is getter more difficult. Well, for my interests to provide more freedom and help me to cope more, in a straightforward sense, maybe not. In an outside box view, in some senses, maybe, as if my photography and abstract designing could be improved, and I learnt Photoshop and I was able to produce better artwork, that was actually being sold. Maybe then I could feel more positive, knowing that I was doing something that was both enjoyable and making me have a chance in life. On one level someone could say that that won’t make social interaction any easier and yes, that’s true, but at the same time, it could lift my spirits, knowing that I am doing something enjoyable and constructive towards my future. To do so, I need to find the right way, the way that doesn’t push me over the edge. Accomplishing the other skills could also lift my spirits knowing that I’m not wasting my life and I am learning something that I enjoy, in my own way. Well, I’m sorry but, please understand that it isn’t just memories holding me back, but an interview will have to be gone through in order to even get into a college/university. I know that will be just like when I was interrogated by my PE teacher, which was also the head of year. The interviewer may not be a PE teacher, or the head of year, but the position of “head of year” is an administrative position and so will the interviewer be. On top of that the person that will be interviewing me will have the aura of hostility about them; it would be like a mouse facing a dragon. My cousin has told me what she has had to go through in an interview, and there is no way I could handle that pressure. Being aware that there are those that do not understand us as they are not trained in ASD and knowing that there are only few people that are in the UK that are, makes me aware of the dangers out there. I would know those that are not trained are out there and even still, avoiding them is certainly not going to be easily possible as how do you know who is and isn’t ASD trained? You wouldn’t would you, so that makes it even harder. In some senses, maybe that’s why I need tutors behind my bedroom door, so that I can talk to them in the setting I feel the most comfortable learning in, so that I can develop skills to help me make a future for myself in a way I feel most comfortable with. Selling my photographs and designs would be pleasurable and perhaps achievable. Yes, that’s true, but some things may be harder to understand for others as we all experience pain in different ways. I was very sensitive at school; I was bullied many times, and bullied by teachers. Some people may think that that is nothing but please understand that as I was sensitive at school, I never found each easier to cope with. I always remember dropping my head on the desk, covering my face, and bursting into tears. The more that happened the more depressed I got inside, the more pain I felt, it built up little by little, bit by bit, until, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I felt that enough was enough. If I didn’t I think I would have gone mad, . I know that a college and a university is a harsh environment. You may say that they are more responsible but, to be honest, there are even greater issues at play there. Interviews aren’t carried out in a primary or a secondary, but are in a college and university. There are more students in a class in college and university than in primary and secondary. In a university, you have to stay there. All of these things, I know I couldn’t cope with, no matter how much I tried, I know I couldn’t. I know myself all too well. How can I be sure that they would accommodate one-to-one teaching, and as for a University not for me having to stay there, before I would even comprehend it? As for an interview, surely that would feel just as hostile as it did when I faced my PE teacher, and he interrogated me, head of year is an administrative position and so will the interviewer’s job be. When school had traumatised me, I was adamant not to go back there as I knew the school was told I had AS, and yet, that interrogation took place with the PE teacher. My mum has been to the colleges around this area and she has found that they couldn’t accommodate my learning style. I take carefully calculated steps; I consider all avenues before I make my move. I am not a risk taker, I am a cautious mover, and be that as it may, I need to know that I wouldn’t be put through hell in the process, but honestly, I don’t trust that a college or a university wouldn’t cause that to happen. How can I stretch my boundaries beyond my own coping level, for me, it would be like willingly accepting an emotional breakdown, how could that help me? No, I haven’t been in a college or university before, but I don’t have to, I have heard enough about both to consider them extreme obstacles that are too far away to get to, for so many reasons, memories of similar experiences are just one of them. No one had ever came in to talk to me from behind my bedroom door to sort out the pain the PE teacher caused me in the beginning, that’s why all of this pain has grown stronger and developed over the years. Best wishes Ichigo
  12. Hi trekster Thank you for your reply, , and sorry for my late reply, . Ah, so you have approached the NAS at the events that you attend. I have never actually attended an autistic based centre before. I am not sure what it would be like. What is autscape like? Well, I have heard of sensory aiding clothing before, but I never really thought much about it. It’s funny that at the end of the video it should mention that socks with the seams sticking out get irritating, it is the same with me, , so I look out for socks that would feel less irritating. I have managed to get used to tags in t-shirts though, so that isn’t too bad. I feel a lot more comfortable in cotton t-shirts than I did wearing shirts back at school. Those uniforms weren’t comfortable by any means, but I had to do my best to get used to them. I couldn’t wait to get out of them when I got home, . Well, I tend to avoid wearing fleecy jumpers altogether. As for feeling more functional on some days, well, on very rare occasions my touch sensitivity has a little less impact but, it was only rarely, only about once or twice in the past, and lately, it isn’t budging. Even the slightest brush against skin is enough to make me cringe and wash my hands/arms with urgency. I get this awful tingling sensation which is prolonged, and the only best way I have found to alleviate it is by washing the affected area. Metal, for example coins, in my hands, makes my hand smell like iron, which is also irritating. Again, I wash my hands to avert the smell. OCD always seems to coincide with my SPD, . I received the book that you told me about recently and I am beginning to read it. Best wishes Ichigo
  13. darkshine Thank you so much for telling me, but you didn’t have to do that, . Its fine, I completely understand. I didn't want to make things worse, it’s alright. It’s just my mind, . Best wishes Ichigo
  14. darkshine Thank you for your reply, . I understand what you are saying, but sometimes, trying to attempt that becomes one of the hardest things to do. Metaphorically speaking, it is like I have to willingly sleep on a bed of nails. Yes, I understand that I will have to make that move, in some little things I am beginning to try, but there is a huge difference between one step and another. I can see that difference, and it looks and feels extremely difficult. I think I’d need some guidance in order to fulfil those steps. A meeting, you mean as in an actual meeting with professionals and such? Well, I could never go, for obvious reasons, but my mum had been to many, and every time, she came back in utter tears, and went straight to bed after being completely ignored by those professionals. That gives you some idea the hostility she faced at these meetings. I know that if I was sitting around those professionals, I would not only be screaming in my head, I most likely will run for the nearest exit. It would be like facing clones of my old PE teacher all around me. Then, I would be in an actual nightmare, of that I can be absolutely sure of. To teach myself to speak to people like that, that never even listen to a word you say, as they have their own agenda. I remember, with the help of my old English tutor, I wrote a descriptive document about the difficulties I have which was sent to a CAHMS psychiatrist for my care to be sent over to the adult CMHT. They took one look at it, and were more interested in my writing style, rather than its contents, they completely ignored it. Even if I was able to speak to them, what response would I get, they’d metaphorically walk all over me. I can see that would be the case, I don’t have to be there to know that. My mum has received many minutes from these meetings that were totally full of lies, things that were not said, and mum has had to spend hours trying to amend them, only for them to be shoved back in a folder with no one actually attempting to amend the minutes. Also in one particular meeting alone, seven action plans were noted to be done and not one of them was fulfilled. My mum had questioned them about it at the next meeting and was completely ignored. Believe it or not but at one of these meetings the then medical director of Berkshire healthcare trust attended as my mother was so disgusted at the lack of help and support I was not given. I knew that at some point these harder points will be brought up. I know that there were times where my mum told me to try to go up to a shop clerk to buy a book or video game that I was buying. That was terrifying, but I suppose I did it, it never really got easy, I still feel anxious no matter how many times I do it. I think it highly depends on many things here. 1. If it is a familiar place, as you have visited the place many times already, then it may feel a little easier, as you have seen your surroundings and got used to how it looks. 2. If you are in the right mood; you could have too much anxiety one time, as an opposed to another. That is something to take into account as well. 3. As I have gone through an emotional breakdown at school, facing anything that resembles education in a structured environment will bring out that pain, causing me to crack. As you have said when things go wrong then you wouldn’t want to do that again. I know that very well. When my mum asked me to buy a book in a shop while she went into another shop, after purchasing the book, shakily, I walked towards the stairs and all of a sudden, all the coins fell from my hands and fell down the steps, ah, it was awful. I panicked, but I tried my best to compose myself enough to pick what coins I could see and scarper. That was a nightmare. These are steps and mistakes in themselves, but some steps and mistakes are worse than others. There was another awkward situation when I was taking photographs of a building, a security guard came up to me, asked what I was doing, and asked me to delete my photos. I walked back to my mum shaking. There are times where the world likes pushing me to a limit of almost having a heart attack. After that I came back home and cried all afternoon and night long. Learning from mistakes, yes, I do understand that, and I have learnt to wait for my old primary school friend to reply to me. In the bigger scheme of things, I have already been affected by the breakdown at school, in one sense it gave me a better learning environment for me, being behind my bedroom door. I understand that that only gets harder after some time, but it has helped me a great deal. I am glad I did, if I didn’t I would never have been able to write the volume I am, or the way I have, nor would I be able to speak the way I am, or pass the exams that I have. If there is a situation where to achieve a step meant sitting in an area where learning takes place, whilst bringing horrible memories of the past to the forefront of your mind over what happened to you at school. Well, if I had to gain something I had to be in that environment, that would not help me, it would rather cause me pain. The pain that school has caused me is not due to childishness; please don’t say that, it is the memory that is causing this pain. The pain is the bad memories from school, they are what are holding me back, the awareness of who I can and cannot trust. I learnt that very well. I cannot just say it never happened, or the past is the past, the present is the present. Because we learn from our mistakes, we don’t just ignore them and berserk our way through in spite of it. Surely that is reckless, no? It being degrading, yes, I feel that way to at times. It comes down to the, patronising wave someone may give you as you are disabled, and such. I do know though that people need to understand my difficulties in order for them to make a compromise at times, there needs to be at least the important structures of a bridge, before I feel able to walk across it. I cannot take a leap of faith only to see that I missed by a few inches. They also need to bridge some of the gap before I make my move. I know that is the case, especially if it involves the bad memories I have of my past. They will be thrust into my eye view if I experience anything that triggers those memories. Yeah, it is awful, . Not understanding, and then when things start to turn and become worse, that is why I responded to the girl in the store the way I did. I didn't want to stall and assess, I didn't want to look a fool. At the same time, I may lose out on whatever the expression meant, but I didn't want to get that annoyed expression like you did. In face-to-face social interaction it is always at times like that, that my AS shows up to me the most. Going home after that happened, I can understand the need to do that, but I knew that providing I avoided looking in that direction again, then I may not face it. Or at least think things through before it may have happened again, even though I couldn't have at the time. When it comes to bad memories, they will always be in the forefront of your mind, just because I have tried something that circles around those bad memories, I know I will face the pain, no matter how many times I try. My mind has been tormented over what happened to me at school, which is one of the main reasons why I was unable to go to a college. Facing a trauma and expecting to go through similar situations is going to land you in a lot of those worrying moments. Going through them may very well cause those memories to come out into the forefront of your mind, and time is another that will shake your ability, on top of the usual AS difficulties. That makes attempting things become even harder. Yes, the fact that people do respond to me, but take some time, is still showing me that I am not necessarily making a mistake. It can be disconcerting though, facing nothing until you do get that response, leaves you guessing, . Over the weekend I had a lot happening myself so I can completely understand; we are all available and able at different times. Thank you, writing to you is nice as well, , you also make me think, , so much so that it took me some time to respond as well, . Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, ah, it is definitely the case with me. I have learnt through writing to my old primary school friend to hold off on some responses. In the beginning I was very apologetic, self-punishing and such, but over time I try to focus more on current events rather than that. It is difficult for her to understand the whole, positive negative thing though. I think with some neurotypicals their idea of life is more the positive than seeing those negatives. They may find it so easy to forget, or ignore those wrongdoings, but it isn’t as easy for us. Thinking in such a way is easier said than done. Going through that trauma has been soul shattering, to go through that again, well, it is certainly not something I would relish in the least. I know what you are saying about not all authorities are evil, but you also need to remember, when there is a commander of one set of authority, then all underneath follow suit. It is like a ripple effect. If those above are corrupt, then those below, and who may be good, will be forced to carry out evil measures to follow those corrupted orders, or face the sack. There is always room for greater corruption and greater evils in society, as long as those top positions are available to them. Just as you could say, the world is not black and white, well, the system isn’t as straightforward as some are bad and some are not. Some may have no choice but to become bad if the head corruptor has anything to say about it. The term, “keep calm and carry on” comes to mind, . I can tell how many people follow that approach, if they consider that a British saying. It is that kind of mentality that makes corruption only get stronger. The thing is that my mum has had experiences of those that were awful to her, and yet, when they came off of our case, they apologised. How twisted is that? They don’t do the right thing in their job, and only apologise once it’s too late as the damage was already done. There were others that even took that much needed apology with them, never even saying sorry once to her. Since school I have always been a pessimist, can’t help it, school was awful, and I see many reflections from school onto the rest of the world, be it in bullies (criminals, back stabbing work colleagues, corrupted officials), detention (prison), teachers (bosses, and such), head of year or principal (prime minister, the queen). There are many reflections, and as many ways that corruption can be brought out like bullies at school. School felt like chaos and so does the rest of life in general. Maybe so, but I can’t control the reaction I get the moment I see education taking place, the more I see it, the worse I feel. Those memories will be brought to the forefront of my mind; I know that will be the case. I can’t just hide them away; forget about them, that won’t work. When a trauma has been caused, you will be affected by it, even though the other person doesn’t know or care, it is the fact that it has been traumatic for you; you will feel pain every time a trigger is set off. Yes, it was and still is, and when all of us have been affected by it, including the fact that it stopped my sister and I from building a brother sister relationship from the beginning. As I said, that is not the whole family story but I hope you get the gist of why I will not trust social services. Yes, as you say learn from mistakes, well, I have learnt not to trust what has caused our family more harm than good. Why accept those that have obliterated the family foundation, they chose the easy way out, my family’s destruction. I may have been a baby at the time, but the harm it has caused both my mum and my sister is very real. I know that, and I don’t want them to do the same to me. I know not to trust them, that is enough. A barrister said that he knew the social worker on our family case very well, and she was very well known to split families apart, and she enjoyed it. She left our area from where we live and is in another county, and she is still there, some 20 years later. When your family has been destroyed by an organization, of any kind, naturally, you wouldn’t trust them again, no? Well, neither would I. I appreciate that others found them helpful, but please remember, I do not trust them, if others wish to, then that’s fine for them, but I’m sorry they are not for me. Mum has also had bad experiences with the mental health department. She had her first grand mal epileptic seizure in the psychiatrist’s office. He then continued to prescribe her medication. SS and the mental health department have both harmed her one way or another. The harm they have caused has caused both my sister and I not to trust them. My sister said that she could always remember our mum coming home in utter tears after visiting her psychiatrist. Can you blame us; when we see the harm they are causing our mum? Mum has no other choice but to see her psychiatrist to get her medication, but suffers the abuse they have given her over the years. You have to work with idiots to get anything done, how in the world does that even work? My mum has to do the exact same thing with the local authority and such. You’ll more likely cause yourself heart failure then get them to do the right thing. My mum fights and fights, I wonder whether they even listen to her. What is even worse here is that the pain that school has caused me, made me feel extreme pain when I start to approach a school environment. I remember all of those bad memories of my past. It matters not if it is a primary school, secondary school, college, or university, the pain will be brought out in each setting. Memories can be awful when you have gone through trauma, they never leave you, and they constantly torment you. Well, in a college, all that pain will come out much stronger and I would be unable to focus. Four things need to be taken into account here, I think. One is that people’s eyes on me distract me no end, two the volume of people in the class would instil claustrophobia, three my SPD and OCD would go crazy in a room where everyone would be in close proximity, i.e. sitting side by side or in other ways, and four the horrible memories would flood into my brain faster than lightning. It is not only what I can do to compromise, it is also what they can do as well. I need to be able to do it, not just say, “Right, here I go, bombs away”, they need to help me just as much. Metaphorically, you cannot build a bridge if there isn’t a solid foundation first. They also need to help bridge the gap as well. I wish my cousin could understand me a bit more. She is so used to me when I was younger growing up, but as AS becomes more prominent in teenage years, she is flat out denying it. She thinks I just make it up, that it is all an act. She never even sees what I am like in the “outside world”. How would she know? I think when it comes to some people then it may take practically forever trying to get them to understand you when you have AS. They are not used to that change, you know it has always been there one way or another over the years, the alienation at school, my SPD in the face of food, etc. She has no idea what it is like. There have been times where I have explained and explained to her, but she always gets the wrong end of the stick, it is frustrating. Yes, her advancing makes me in turn feel worthless, and yes, I am aware that my AS makes progressing even harder, but I really do think that I need to feel like I have actually achieved something worthwhile before I see her face again. The thing is, my auntie came around on my birthday, I didn’t want to make things worse, maybe thought that my cousin should at least come around for a coffee as I didn’t want to make things worse. My cousin said to my auntie, that she wouldn’t, my auntie said that she doesn’t want to come around because she thinks I have an old grudge against her. It is utter nonsense, she always thinks that when we were kids we used to argue and such, she thinks I still think about all that, but I don’t. I just don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone but the pain was too strong. She thought that by not coming she was getting her own back on me, but the thing is, she was actually helping me by not coming, lol, she really doesn’t understand me at all. Yes, being left behind, that is definitely painful and de-motivating, and for that reason, it makes facing some people or experiences that much harder. The bad memories don’t help either, but I can’t just snap my fingers and forget them. It doesn’t work like that. The key word there is somehow. I know that the medicals that people on benefits have to go to cause them to get appeals as they say they are fit for work, even though they clearly are not. Then after successfully proving why they are not fit for work, about one week later, they get another medical; go through the same process over and over again. I have heard of people dying after going through that process about three times. I have to go out to that? Now that is suicide. In the future, I could never go to an interview; the pain that that PE teacher caused me would make that feel like a mouse meeting a dragon, in a closed off arena. The information from what my cousin has said in the many interviews she has had for all sorts of things, even in education, there is no way I could cope with it. There are many stages of life that look more and more closed off, even if I wasn’t behind my bedroom door. I need to be able to be taught in a way I feel comfortable with, nobody can really learn whilst being put through a great deal of stress and anxiety. You say that outside is where everything is, but is it? Remember how the government are cutting benefits, but also there is mass unemployment, they are cutting EMA, and stopping GCSEs over O levels and GCEs, where is the hope? Well, yes, maybe I do have a head start, but remember, when you have gone through a trauma, trying to attempt things again becomes even harder. Compromising is a lot harder than it sounds if memories have anything to say about it. There can be trigger points out there, and my cousin is one such example. Yes, thank you, , I shall begin a chart to acknowledge my achievements. Well, lol, I could go into fantasies over such a topic. There are many things I’d like to learn, but I do need opportunities to fulfill them, I also need to think about reality as well. In an ideal world, I’d like to improve my photography, become skilled at Photoshop and such, and improve my designing skills. I definitely feel I need to see my designs and photographs actually selling to make me feel better about it though. The problem is that I am always worried about showing people online in case they steal it, even when I put a watermark on them; I need to put them in the right place, i.e. a place where I will still be acknowledge for my work, and put a unique signature on them as well. Ah, this is quite a difficult one. As I have already said I’d like to learn Japanese, ever since I started watching animé and reading manga books made me interested in everything Japanese, lol. I wanted to learn German as my oma (grandma in German) is from Germany, and it would be interesting learning a language from a country that my close ancestors have connections to. I wanted to learn Chinese to a lesser extent, mainly because I know about Romance of the Three Kingdoms (RotTK) from my Dynasty Warriors games, but also because of that knowledge of the RotTK era of China made me interested in the cultural history of China. As I say in my interests, I’d like to learn computing in as many forms as possible, I have been interested in computers since my dad bought me a second hand one when I was little. Well, that’s true, first of all in computer maintenance. My dad knew about computer maintenance but died earlier this year, and I never even got to know him much as I said my mum and dad were split up, I saw him when I was little fortnightly, but after some years later he didn’t want to see me for a long time until I was 16. He came back onto the scene, by calling us up. I was too scared due to my AS, I need to build confidence to see someone like that after all that time. On December of last year though, I sent a letter to him, but he had apparently moved two years previously without even telling my mum and me that he had moved. He died two months after I sent the letter. That’s when their family told us that he had moved. But anyway, back to the interests. Other computing I may pick up an interest for over time, but for the moment definitely computer maintenance. It is because it would be far easier if I were able to fix my own and mum’s computers and not have to rely on those that could rip us off. I also want to learn so that I could upgrade my computer to a better standard myself. I have thought about learning a musical instrument after hearing the emotional music in the middle of animé. There can be emotional piano and violin music being played at upsetting scenes, and such. I know that a piano, or keyboard, would be easier than a violin, so I could learn the animé music and play them on a keyboard. I have seen others do so on YouTube, I’d want to try myself. To some extent, I wouldn’t mind trying out manga drawing, but mainly as a hobby, I can’t just up sticks and move to Japan to enter a manga company, , for very obvious reasons, my AS, SPD, and OCD alone would make that a living nightmare, never mind about a dream. I am a person that may develop more interests over time, but these are the main ones. I may feel like learning others over time, as I am ambitious, I will feel like trying new things, if I can. Best wishes Ichigo P.S. Sorry for my late reply, I had a lot happen over the weekend, and I needed to get my mind straight again.
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