Kimmy.82

I finally went to my GP at the end of september last year. It had taken me 6 years to get the courage up to go again and ask after a nasty experince with another doctor. I had gone to a different doctors, before I moved house. That visit had taken 2 years of fighting my anxiety to go and ask. The response I got was " You can't take a pill to cure aspergers!". And I was dismissed. So it kicked any confidence I had into the ground. After I moved, I had a little chat with a nurse at my new doctors during my "induction". She said that I should talk to a certain doctor at that surgery as that was more his speciality. That was a year ago. And like I said I went in september, with a small list of things I did that others didn't do or other people had noticed I did. I told the doctor how long it had taken me to ask and what had prompted me to think it was aspergers. He decided to refer me there and then to an aspergers clinic just down the road. I got a primary assessment appointment the last week of october. I was asked many questions and after 3 hours the lady told me she was almost certain I had aspergers and wanted me to return for a proper test a little later. I was asked on the 2nd of december to go in for a possible 5 hour test/ interview. I went there believing that whatever the outcome I wouldn't get to find out for many sessions and months if I had it or not. After the test, the lady smiled and said to wait 10 minutes while she conferred with her colleagues and she'd be back with my result. I had one of the worst panic attacks ever in that room, I was getting a diagnosis, today! She was gone for a while longer than 10 minutes but when she did she looked me carefully in the eye and said those magic words... "We all agree you have aspergers with a very high level of anxiety". I simply asked her "So all the things I do, the things I say, the way I upset people... it's not my fault? It's not something I can control" when she said "No, it isn't." I cried so hard. The relief was amazing. I feel I can move on, try to sort through my life. Even now though I am still surprised how fast I got diagnosed. I am better for it. And happier than ever before in my life.

I will be the first to say Hi and I hope that life for you is rich in quality and full of joy.

Me too. I bought my dinner from the local chip shop. I got my £10 that I handed over and the change from the £10. I took the money back a little later that day. Even though my family thought I was insane for doing it. I got a free bottle of pop and an extra big fish next time I wanted one. Honesty pays.

Well, I know I can lie with a perfect straight face. I can make up a story, given enough time, to make it sound quite true. I was so scared of drama class at school, that in the morning I would sit in bed and remeber what it feels like to have tummy ache or something minor but good enough to hear the words " I think you'd better stay home today" Then keeping up the facade all day. I even started to turn my bedside lamp on place my hand on the bulb, not for too long!, and as I heard my mum coming to wake me, I'd slap my very hot hand on my head and cheeks, then tell her I felt sick and far too hot, then she would look at me, I think deciding if I were lying, then she would check my temperature... which was a little high for school. I found that out from accidently touching the bulb and burning myself. Keeping a secret, in my mind if I am told something and they say "keep it to yourself" or "don't repeat that to anyone" I would not tell anyone. I have been told to do something, it is a rule an order and I obey it like it is an order. Conscience, yes I feel guilt. I sometimes, after lying about being sick to get out of school, would become quite sick and have a horrible feeling inside, but I would do the same thing again. If I had a secret that would make someones life a lot easier to know, I would feel guilty for not saying anything but I wouldn't break the rule. Empathy... I have watched other people upset by things and not felt anything myself. I wouldn't be rude to them and demand to know why, but I couldn't comfort or say anything noce to them either. I don't know if this is related but I feel at times I can switch off emotions. I loved my grandfather a lot, he was a great man who liked me and treated me like an adult from early in life because I loved to learn and help him with his crosswords. I lived with him and my grandmother for a few years and spent many hours watching documentaries with him. I was at the hospital at the foot of his bed when he died, the nurse came over to our little group and simply said "He's gone now". Everyone else, including my mum who had a stroke causing a brain injury also at the hospital, cried. I stood there, nothing. I didn't even question why I felt nothing, I just knew I didn't. I left the room and my family there, I took my mum back to her ward and left her telling the staff on her ward why she was upset, so I could make a lot of phone calls. To his children that weren't there, his siblings and anyone else whom I believed needed to know. No one asked me to do it, I just got on with it. In some cases I had to tell the person face to face, speaking with as much emotion as a robot saying "I am sorry to tell you but Gerald passed away" one cousin threw her arms around me and collapsed crying. Without comment I helped her to a chair and made her a cup of tea. I spent several days finding people and telling them. My Gran thanked me a few weeks later for what I did, that I was a rock for her and eased pressure on her life. I told her it was nothing and had to be done. And that is how I felt. It didn't bother me at all. I did cry later, I thought I heard his voice and for a split second thought he was downstairs, I threw a dressing gown on and ran to the living room to find his chair empty. I sat in it and cried. And I know I was being a little calus in my mind on the day of his funeral. I was told, not asked, to go and visit mum because she wasn't able to go to say that last goodbye. I didn't want to, why should I? I wanted to watch the house while everyone was out, eat dinner and make tea for everyone when they got back. Sorry for waffling on, I tend to do that. I doubt I helped answer your questions but that is how I can best describe how these things are to me in my mind.

I have been an out lesbian for about 10 years, and an "in" one since I was about 9 years old. I realised very early that people might not take kindly to the way I wished to live my life. I heard all the jokes and listened quietly to nasty discussions, including from my own family. I didn't know how closed minded my family was until one of them had read an article( years ago now) about a guy who was camping, I believe, in a known hot spot for people who are gay. And 2 men simply kicked him badly, if not to death, for being gay. I was disgusted, so were my family... that the attackers were given jailtime! My oldest family member said, and I remember clearly because it frightend me, " that is what should happen to all unnatural perverts." I was so never coming out to them, I feared for a long time that if they ever found out I was going to become fast friends with the buisness end of a baseball bat. Over the years something on the news or in a tv show would cause their heckles to rise and out would pop viciousness. I have never set foot in a club... of anykind, simply put, me no likey public! Crowds scare me, so going looking for someone would never happen and until the last few years didn't I actually think I was ready to even have a partner. Being me having a set pattern of life, how was another human being meant to fit? How does all that hand holding, cuddling and ... *ahem* more work? I didn't have anyone proper to talk to about these thoughts and having aspergers, but not known at the time, made me wonder if the things I was thinking and feeling were anything, normal. I have a partner now, who is much more understanding than my first and only other partner. And I love the fact that the world, slowly, is becoming more tolerant. What I would have done for there to have been somone to talk to, to try and make sense of things. I too am on facebook and I have yet to have recieved a nasty comment or message. I guess there I am lucky. But I have witnessed others in the firing line, and sent a private message to the person being attacked just to simply say nice things and try to boost them up.