Gold MD

If this were happening to my child, I'd have him or her kept out of school until I was assured this wouldn't be happening anymore. I'm sorry that your kid has had to put up with this abusive treatment. You definitely should not have to put up with this as a caring parent.

Well, that's okay. I do miss working with her, however.

So what about the woman they took off my team? Were they a bit harsh there?

Well, I'm not chuffed that a certain female support worker was removed from my team. This was due to me 'asking her out' months ago when I already knew the answer would be no. They only gave me one evening shift with her in August as a 'trial' and we went to the Summer party at Number 6 (which is a drop-in centre clients use for support and recreational reasons). Now her bosses won't give me support shifts with her anymore. This was really my own fault for losing my cool after being stressed. Now I don't work with her and that's too bad. It was actually more so to do with me posting her photo on Facebook with a small rant and my neighbour Vivian reported me. The German grass that she is. Maybe she works with a new incarnation of the Gestapo. Either way, I loathe sticky beaks. The support team is now so large that they don't even have to allocate specific people to help you, when there are other suited replacements. Most of the people I used to like working with either left the job or got moved into those other teams they drew up. There's 4 teams now, due to the fact the organization has so many clients and it makes sense to manage things that way, I suppose. The disadvantage of this is that now I just work with certain people and they rarely do a sleep over here, as it's only the staff on my street that are meant to do the sleep over duties. If you see them around the office when they are working, usually the conversation has to be brief as they are working, after all. Yesterday, I had to go to the GUM clinic for treatment. They recommended a blood test for tests for things like HIV, but I hate needles and so I gave them a urine sample which showed no signs of elevated sugar levels. Although actually, injections aren't that bad once it's over and done with. I had a blood test last year to see if I was diabetic. It's just common to fear nasty things and needles are kind of nasty. Shame on all you dirty drug injectors in this world. But, yeah. Now I'm so sick of being branded as Peter the loser, because I cannot get a girlfriend or gain confidence. Now I want to be Peter the winner, or Peter the success story. Being a loser with no bird to love me and pump every night sucks. I just need to grow a set and attempt to move on from Laura, and the other poop from before. It is not worth dwelling over.

Part of me knows what I want. The shell I call my body just needs cracked.

Clothes are still a bit important. You have to take pride in how you look. As for anything else, I'm as dense as dense can get when it comes to being social.

I realize I grumble a lot. In fact, it happens on lots of forums and in real life, so I can see why people get annoyed that I seem to be moaning a lot and repeating the pattern. A lot of people think I dwell on things too much, so all the negative thoughts build up inside my head. Then I doubt if I can do this and that, when I do more talking than action. The not being allowed to date support workers thing is pretty logical, though, because that's a rule that applies to anybody in my situation. It's not like that rule was thought up on the fly to belittle me or something. One of my common problems is I want things to go right, but would rather not do all the hard work anymore. Everything seems like a long shot, so I lost my desire along the way and now I feel like I'm reduced to talking about what once was or wasn't. I just really think I hate being at the bottom of the food chain.

Well, I know what I need to do to get into a better routine. It's just a matter of getting the confidence to talk to women and other guys. I think people have been inclined to use me a lot because I'm too much of a sap, so putting my foot down would benefit me, because if you are a soft touch, that gets people thinking you are a mug. I do think buying new clothes would be a good start. At my age, I shouldn't go about wearing joggers, as it makes me into a "tramp" and I get majorly slagged off. I think that and my hygiene needs to improve. Also, I need to brush my teeth and ideally, get contact lenses. For at least then, I wouldn't look like a four-eyes. But putting them in is not easy. I was unable to do it before during the lessons.

CBT. I kind of hate that word, if only because somebody said I needed that one time I was out of line on a Meetup page. I'm sure it's helpful.

Yeah. Work can be like that. I used to work in a shop where all I did was stand in front of a till. It's hard to concentrate if you don't do other things in between. I was also working in a charity shop where the till had buttons for different items.

I've got a snooker tournament later on. I didn't enter my name into it in time for the draw, but typically what occurs is someone has their name down and doesn't go, so I should still be lucky to get a space. I don't expect to win the cup, though. I'm not as good as snooker as I am at pool. I got creamed yesterday 6-0 by my mate, who won that cup 3 times previously.

I'll probably just have to suck up the fact Joanna ain't on my support team anymore. This was due to my outburst on Facebook several days ago, in which my neighbour grassed on me. Yeah, Peter. This what you get for blabbing all your business to nefarious people again. Well, okay. Nefarious is quite harsh. Snooty would be a better term to use. I'm to a point now where I cannot be bothered. Of course I seem quite negative, but I just know it'll be too great a task to meet people. Edinburgh kind of sucks now. Anyway. What the hell are those people to me anyway? We've already established they're not potential lovers. I screwed up big time by asking her out. That's a huge no no in a working environment. I should have just been content to be nice to her when she supported me, but now it's too late. Well, I'm going around in circles again. I almost felt like just going to cancel my support altogether. I've had one bad year and would rather it was over. And I cannot treat my STI until I get a referral letter, which takes time. But anyway, that's a bit personal, so hush here. Ha!

Good thing she's not on your Facebook then. But according to something I was reading about, Facebook is taking away some of its best privacy features. Now you'll feel like Big Brother's watching you. One's privacy is important.

I take it she's not on the spectrum. Sounds like another "dippy" (original word was censored on here) you try to be polite to and it's all taken for granted. For every 50 people you have in one room, I can bet 1 or 2 are arses and the rest are alright people. That's what I hate about some people. They just 'don't like you' for some reason. Usually it's nothing you've done and it's just their own stupid reasons. Like I've conversed with people online and in person who seemed okay in the beginning, but ended up revealing themselves to be another wolf in sheep's clothing. That woman sounds like she's the exact same; a sh*t stirrer. But it's people like that we should blank if possible. If you are at work, you could follow a complaints procedure to get her sorted. She had no right to accuse you and then not say sorry afterwards when she figures out she was incorrect.

Although it's just a temporary thing, I think hanging around others helps you if you feel bored or lonely. However, I guess it depends on the situation. Being alone is fine if you will it, but actual loneliness is never good. I know myself I'd love to get a girlfriend, but I also feel annoyed at not being lucky in that sector. It's just better to hone your skills first and be friends with a woman, in case you appear too keen. I know I am keen.

Yeah. The reason I go online a lot is due to sheer boredom and now that I've recognized that this obsession is the whole issue, I can start adjusting to life away from the web bit by bit. Since I can admit it's an addiction, I need to get used to being online less stage by stage. Ask myself why I really need to be on it. Set a target for myself. Winter may mean I want to be online more, as the cold conditions outside means I'll not be fancying going out very much. There's always something to read or watch to pass the time when online, which is okay, but being online way too much every day is not good for you at all. Plus, I like to let off steam on post boards if something bugs me. However, if I start to get daily support, I can address matters with them that I normally would post up online. But then again, there are things you ought to never tell a soul in the first place, in case it reflects badly on you. Support workers know about my ladies fascination. On the open Internet, you can get a lot of people reading what you say and just be highly stupid in their approach. It's not like that with support workers. They don't laugh at me, but you still should not reveal certain information that's intended to be kept private even if they are supportive. Examples being discussions about sex and money. Like one guy who used to be a support worker intentionally wound me up for a couple of years in regards to my looking for my ex. He didn't actually know her personally, but he went on Gumtree where I stated I was looking for her and sent me garbage in an effort to dissuade me from finding her. If you go back and look at my thread about my ex, I did mention him briefly. He's been emailing me recently, trying to make out he never did me no wrong after I wrote to him first, yet I know for a fact he edited a dummy Facebook profile as recently as July with the same alias he used a long time ago to contact me and flamed me again, so it's seminal odd in my view that one would want to kiss and make up after all that. However, I'm a rational man and holding grudges was never my preferred style. I do actually want to meet up with him (Patrick) and talk to him again if he's sincere about being friendly, so we can perhaps put it down to being all in our past, but the nature of what he said years ago was kind of off the rails a bit. Plus, as a support person, he's not meant to do these sort of things by any means, even if he was only trying to help out in some form. He even confessed that his approach to how he chose to deal with stuff lead to his departure. Like he once offered to batter my sister's boyfriend because I told him he mistreated her and that is not appropriate, even if one's moralities say otherwise. But okay; I think it's wrong to talk about people behind their back. Therefore, I'll say no more on the subject and put it to bed now. I'm a forgiving person though and I want this to be just water under the bridge. A lot of other people upset me years ago too, that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Although I did find Laura again and that ultimately ended up being a major waste of time. However, I can see that it was a necessary experience to be able to live and learn from what transpired and all the time I questioned how she'd be if we reunited, I had to see for myself to judge her attitude. I think life's way too short and we need to make amends while we're still able to, rather than continue hating one another over pointless incidents. You know? I think I've matured a bit, even if it's not by a lot. So with that said - I'm off to bed as well!

It's the noise. Too loud. Anyway, one of my support personnel suggested breaking my shifts up. I have 12 hrs of support at the moment. He suggested maybe doing cleaning one day and cooking a meal, or use a Friday mid-day until 6 shift in order to have more hours and do something fun. It's going to be Winter soon, so it's going to be too cold to want to go for long walks. That's why I reckon indoors activities might be better right now. I also agreed that going on certain forums to talk about my issues won't be helping. I'm not referring to here. You guys are nice. Just some others were a bit up and down.

I saw Johnny Marr from The Smiths last night in Edinburgh. There was also an artist called Meredith Sheldon playing for a while before he and his band come on. I don't really like live music. It's very loud. There was bright lights and I went home feeling kind of sick. Plus, it's very loud like I said. You cannot even hear yourself think. But I did like hearing 'Panic' live. But yeah, it's loud.

My new year could begin on December 1. Why not? Practice makes for perfect. Huh?

2013 has sucked. There isn't any doubt about that. However, I have realized what I need to do to make things better for 2014. For starters, I need to stop feeling jealous and pitiful inside. If I cannot date a support worker, that's just tough, you know what. There are many other women in the world and although it will be hard to think of things to say, it is worth the effort because you can gain more skills and learn to get better at conversing with new faces. I'm not going to meet them sitting on my butt either. Engaging with others will potentially lead to my meeting a woman. I need to eat more healthy foods (I already do) and exercise more often. Get on my bike more. Join a gym. You can get gym use with discounted prices. Really, I immediately noticed after cyclling for hours, I felt great. Exercise really does help. It releases endorphins, so you feel great inside. I could sleep at night if I worked hard enough to want to sleep. And I think I need to stop using call girls. As much as adults want sex, it's so much better in a relationship because it's free and there is no hassle involved. I also stated I caught something. Really, my current issue will be cleared up in time. What if I caught something worse? You have to consider these things. I'm not physically active enough, so I have anxiety as a result, probably because of my blood pressure and depressive state. All I usually do is stay on the computer, but I have myopia and I don't want to go totally blind in years to come, as I know my vision has got worse over the years. All attributed to computer use, of course. As for all the other stuff with my ex: Well, I care about her and all, but she was very abusive. She also isn't honest and I can attest to that. There's no point in striking up an alliance with anyone who tells lies and mistreats you for his or her own gratisfaction. That's only going to lead to further anguish. You can own depression. It just takes effort, but part of the plan is to get rid of anything or any person that makes you unhappy. P.S. I also apologized to one of my support workers for being rude a few days ago. I was feeling upset and sent something to her that contained inappropriate remarks. But I have said sorry.

I've noticed that near the end of any year, I frantically try to 'fix' or 'complete' collections, correct things in general and deplete other concerns before a new year starts, or then it won't be a "fresh start" as a result. I'm actually feeling this way again, since we're nearing 2014. Of course, what is a year but a set of numbers? How is December 31 any different from July 31 of any year? I especially used to feel this way about 2000 to 2009 because the decade was full of horrid stuff and I thought the arrival of 2010 or the 2010s decade generally would be better. Then the new decade arrived and nothing really changed a great deal. Like right now, certain people aren't associated with me anymore. Because the world changes and I don't change enough with it, I become stuck in a rut, which is not healthy. There is no point in relying on people like Ruth when she was paid for to be my helper. I have matured a lot, I'd say. And I've accomplished a lot of minor things. Well, I moved out of my parents' place and that means you are away from the nest, sort of. That's always a big step. My sister is going through a legal battle to do with her eldest son, so things at their home is awkward in general. However, I also found my ex last year, which was high on my most wanted list and although it was a rather poor experience, I still found her again. I can at least say I accomplished what I set out to do.

The only thing I'm always going to hate about my current "predicament" is that annoying rule about not being allowed to date support workers. I mean, if two people actually loved each other, for real, the law makes it into a Romeo & Juliet type scenario because according to their rules, it is not allowed. My current key worker is really lovely. But you know what sucks? I've no darn chance in this lifetime of getting with somebody like her for a romantic relationship. She'll be my support worker for as long as she's contracted to be, then like many people before her, she'll probably leave. Even if she left, I guess those boundary laws will remain in place. And I'll turn 30 one day, still stretching the good old skin (which as funny as this sounds, she actually recommended this for single gents). I kid you not. She said it's what any single guy does and guess what category I come into? It's a direct, polite, simplified way of saying this: "Well, since vagina is out of reach, you lonely men with no lives may as well get tugging away." The hell? Honestly, if you had a choice between masturbating and real love and sex, the choice should be obvious. You wouldn't buy some lame run down car in place of a really cool car that runs. Right? So why have something lesser because you cannot have the really great things? Unless I of course do something about my inability to meet women, I'll watch the parade go by. Unfortunately, it's hard when you have competition in front of you and you don't make a good first impression. I've been in some social situations, but they resulted in epic failure. Well, okay. Not epic, but by no means great. Besides needing a lot of confidence and above average social skills to stand a chance at succeeding, you have to be good looking or that dwindles your chances too. I worry that I'm too skinny. Not counting the fact I have big teeth and I wear glasses. I mean, Jesus. Do ladies even like myopic, skinny, smelly, autistic no name guys who do nothing but sit on the computer all day long? Unless they were a nerd like me, that's not attractive, appealing or sexy. Plus, take into account I don't really do much with my spare time (and I certainly have enough of that). If you have neither of these qualities, you usually only stand a chance of attracting losers, users and tarts. Well, in my case, that's probably quite truthful as it's been happening a lot to me in recent years. However, I also believe if you want to find that person, starting at the bottom is necessary. You need to hone your skills and confidence first so you are happy already. Because if women think you need them to be happy, they would find you not very appealing. Well, sorry. That sounded crude, a bit. Ha! But it really does suck when you think about it how all the other guys get women just by doing whatever it is they do. And us? It's tough. Then again, you wonder if these support personnel would want to date me anyway. What are people "really" thinking about me? What goes not in that noggin? God, life is lame at times. Harsh stuff.

Yes. I think it would be good to build on my confidence and my general appearance as well, but also keep mentally enlightened and physically fit by doing other things. I actually didn't want to make it obvious I have autism as I've been badly criticized over the years. Well, it wasn't really for having autism. It was to do with my character and certain bad decisions. But I don't want to have people take me lightly and excuse me, because of my ailment. I cannot date support personnel like I said. I do get jealous of the news that workers are dating other workers. It must be allowed for them but not for service users. How odd is that? Sometimes, I think I don't 'have a life' and I only know the people I know today, because it's their job to be helping me. I mean, if it weren't for that, I keep thinking I'd have a chance to date a lady from the service, but at the same time, I would probably never have met them if not for the fact they help me today. Reality bites. All they can do is sympathize with my situation while pointing me in the right direction for to meet others, but it's hard to adjust to life on the outside. Really, it's hard. I understand being yourself is all that matters, but I wish I was more manly for a start. Had lots of crazy insults and remarks about being skinny. Like I get accused of never eating, when I never gain weight. It's just the way I am, but they look at me and think I'm wasted. Now that I'm nearly 28, I keep thinking I'm watching the parade go by because I'm not making friends and moving forward. There's no point in saying I did such and such in (insert year) because that was then. We need to keep evolving. So we would have to do things presently that are rewarding and make you feel like something was earned. And I think Frank is a little old and immature for his age to boot. It's time to branch out and meet people my own age...

He's been a good mate over the years, but I do grow tired of his demands, as well as his repetitive tales of devious women.

Yeah. He rings me up a lot and usually if I'm tired, I'll ignore his calls. I sometimes don't get up until the evenings because I've been online late playing music or watching wrestling. He calls me incessantly and swears at me because I won't answer my phone. I can turn my mobile off. That's okay. But my house phone is tied up with my net and I'd rather not turn that off, but he calls me on my landline a lot too and most other people would call once and stop it there. I recently found out I caught an STD and so I want to focus on clearing that up and knowing him, he'd find it hilarious. If others weren't getting an answer, they'd learn not to keep calling. Sometimes, I just remove the batteries from my phone, but the plastic panel is tightly stuck on. Lately, he's been bothering me to join a league for pool players. I don't think we're at that level yet. To be on a team or in a league, you have to be a brilliant player. We're probably not low down on the list, I'd say, but we still cannot play the way professionals do. So that's why I think joining a league would cause stress and maybe some embarrassment, as he is the type to blame me if we lost. He's also spoke of buying a trophy and running our own competitions, which is fine. But he argues that we need a lot of players, when I think 6 to 8 people is fine. I'm 27 and he's 52. He also talks a lot of garbage about females being "dominated" by men and goes on and on about banned records, which I think he just believes are banned and they're not really. That's just for starters...