Mihaela

Hello, Zeffi, and welcome to the forum. I love all those too - and more besides.

Prin straini by Vitalie Dani - a song from Moldova about working abroad and homesickness. Those Romanians and Moldovans who leave their homes work abroad to send back money to their families are treated as heroes. The grandparents usually look after they're children. It annoys me when the mass media calls them 'benefit scroungers' or Roma, when they are neither. They are hard workers and contribute to the local economy. Arable farming in England now relies upon East European seasonal labour.

I'll try to answer this as well as I'm able, but it won't be easy. I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3 and a half years. We are lesbians and I have a child. My ex girlfriend has Aspergers Syndrome. Things started becoming more stressful once we got a mortgage a little over a year ago but we but just plodded on, never really talking about personal issues. You don't say why the mortgage caused the added stress, or whether it was affecting both of you. I can well imagine it causing me stress due to my executive dysfunction, and I would have expected my more able partner to handle the money side of things. Could your ex-girlfriend have been suffering in this way? I think it's vital in any relationship to talk freely and often about our emotions and personal issues. So many relationships fail through misunderstandings. She has always known that I'm a bit of a worrier and I'm a sensitive and very understanding person. She can be difficult to read, but I've mostly always understood her and accept when she needs quiet time and doesn't always want to talk. However it bothered me that she fell asleep quite often in the early evening and I think this is why we got so used to not talking about our problems. I'm the worrying, sensitive and understanding partner in my relationship, although we're both on the spectrum. I can understand how your ex-girlfriend can be difficult to read, for I sometimes have the same difficulty, but less often as I've now learnt my friend's ways and needs very thoroughly. The falling asleep in the early evening could simply be due to her having an overactive mind and/or getting up very early. Time should always be found to talk about problems. Her relationship with my child has always been a little on the rocky side as my child has learning difficulties and they sometimes could not understand each other. This would affect me and I would often feel caught in the middle and therefore feel like I was being a Parent to both of them. I can identify with this too. Although I get on very well with children generally, I'm not sure how I'd manage with a child who had learning difficulties. I know many aspies would find it difficult. In a sense I find myself 'parenting' my partner, although I often need it myself; she simply isn't capable. She has a need to be in control, and I let her feel that she is. She's much younger than me, and we're both emotionally very childlike. You may find that your ex-girlfriend is the same. In relationships with NTs, they'd end up 'parenting' me. Therefore I started to feel like I wasn't really in a relationship. My friends and family noticed I was becoming withdrawn and not really putting effort in to going out. This obviously upset me but I wouldn't admit it, however under the surface, I knew they were right. I've been in few NT relationships, and I now realise that they failed because of my then undiagnosed and unsuspected AS. It was me who became withdrawn and depressed. At least you know about your friend's AS. She can't change the way she is. Our sex life was minimal and when it happened, it was very predictable and much the same every time. She would always find it difficult to have an orgasm and I started to feel rejected which always made me feel selfish. I would never tell her this as I know its not her fault. I tried so hard to not feel this way because I knew she loved me deeply just as I did her and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Many aspies tend to try sex a few times, and then either give up on it or turn it into a ritualised chore. We tend to be an androgynous bunch. Although emotionally I'm lesbian inclined, I find the physical side of sex too much - partly due to sensory issues. I didn't find it in the least enjoyable, and can't understand why others do - yet I reluctantly used to fake it. So in that sense, I'm asexual - as are many female aspies. This doesn't mean that we can't have fulfilling relationships - they're just different. Sex is unnecessary or very limited for many of us, and in fact it can seriously spoil a loving relationship simply by raising unrealistic expectations. The predictability and sameness you speak of may reflect our love of routine and lack of spontaneity - or simply an essentially asexual nature. I ended the relationship a few months ago and I'm often feeling very upset, especially in quiet times like the evenings after a busy day at work and when my child goes to bed. Aspies tend to be very loyal. I don't think I'd be able to end a relationship, and nor would my partner. We stick together like glue. I know I'd feel very upset if a partner chose to end a relationship. I'd wonder what went wrong, and why we couldn't sort it out. I'd worry about her endlessly in my quiet moments, and relive our happy times from the past. I'd be haunted by reminders of her. I can't help wondering if I did enough to try and fix things or give her a chance to. My ex moved out of our home and we see each other still and text or talk on the phone. She tells me she loves me and cannot be without me and doesn't know what to do anymore. Each time she leaves upset, it hurts me. If I had ended it, like you did, I'd feel exactly the same. It's good that you're both still regularly in touch. You needn't be without one another. I can only talk of my own experience, but a relationship needn't 'die' if the two people no longer share the same home or have sex. It can develop in new and exciting ways - at least that's what I've found. It can become far less stressful and yet remain just as loving. I just don't know what to do either as she said she can't just be friends. True friends are never 'just' friends. What exactly do you each want from a relationship? Are your expectations too high? What is it that you both feel you are losing or have lost? Are you both losing the same things or not? You need to talk about all this between you. True love transcends differences. Do I need to cut all communication with her? She says I'm the only person who truelly knows her and she can't talk to anyone else. It worries me that she is on anti-depressants too. I hate the thought of causing her so much hurt, and I feel guilty. I'm worrying too much about her as know she has self-harmed recently. No, it would be cruel to cut all communication. She clearly needs you. I'd feel just the same if I was in your position. I'd want to stick by her through thick and thin - especially now that she's self-harming. Whatever you choose to do, the least you can do is to make sure she gets the support that she clearly needs. I hope this has been of some help.

Welcome to the forum! I find your post very interesting, and can see similarities in my own life. Me and my partner are both on the spectrum, but very, very different. I sometimes worry about her, but I don't think she's capable of worrying about me in the same way. We have a very close relationship, but it's very unusual too and it proves that it's possible to be 'more than friends' while not living together and not romantically inclined. I'll need to give you a long reply, and as I have to go out soon, it'll have to wait until later on today.

I've been psychologically duffed up online by groups of trolls in the past. This has upset me beyond all reason despite the fact I know it shouldn't, and despite the fact I'm pretty mentally tough. So have I - a few times, but not in the past few years for I vowed never to let it happen again. The only answer, as you say, is to avoid them. I'm not sure whether I'm mentally tough. I'm highly sensitive and cry very easily, but people have always said that I have an inner strength. I cry for the victim, for my own helplessness, out of anger and 'for the world' - it can overpower me and is beyond words. I can never come to terms with all the gratutious cruelty in the NT world, and I feel the same about it now as I did when I was small. My emotions have never changed. I've been called immature many times, but my logical mind can see nothing immature about hating cruelty with a passion. A passion that is so often lacking among 'normal', 'emotionally mature' adults - who show more concern over the mundane trivia of their banal lives than over all the needless suffering in the world. Thanks very much, but I prefer being 'emotionally immature/stunted/arrested'. I simply can't accept the hypocrisy and inhumanity which seems an inherent part of being emotionally 'mature' - besides, I couldn't live with the heavy burden of guilt. They can be staggeringly hostile if you stand up to them, and it looks to me like they want you to keep coming back so they can make you feel like quitting the internet forever. This is what I felt at the time, and still would. Their aim is to break your spirit. On those Anti Social Personality Disorder people: Read a thing about them once online about how to deal with them IRL, and the advice was do not try to warn anyone about them, just get out of the way of them. Charisma was mentioned in the writing as well, they can have magnetic personalities and can be very very convincing con artists. The majority of people with psychopathic personality traits are found in organisations that involve control over others - nurses, teachers, traffic wardens, police officers, 'officials' of all kinds, petty bureaucrats, slaughterhouse workers, even storekeepers. Many are 'successful' business people, politicians, etc. Historically, they've been attracted to work in closed institutions, where their control is total - boarding schools, orphanages, prisons, asylums, work-houses, concentration camps, etc. Most of them channel their lust for control and power in legal (or just legal) ways, despite leaving a trail of human (and/or animal) suffering in their wake. A minority commit heinous crimes, and it's these who are popularly labelled as 'psychopaths'. They are manipulative, superficially charming, devious, ruthless, very convincing liars and can be very intelligent. Charisma is a key trait of narcissistic personality disorder, however, it is superficial, as is so much about these dangerous people. Personality disorders are nearly always formed during childhood and generally very evident by their teens. If the signs are spotted early early enough, it's possible to treat them more successfully. Nothing like enough is done to prevent them developing, but then many would argue that society needs aggressive businessmen, politicians, police officers, etc. I disagree. Suffering is never a price worth paying, and can never be justified. The psychologist, Erich Fromm, who a book that strongly influenced my thinking and view of the world : "The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness". Another, on similar lines, was Hannah Arendt's well-known study of Adolf Eichmann : "The Banality of Evil". Essential reading for anyone who wishes to learn more about the human condition, ethics and the meaning of goodness. The world and the internet strikes me as being like jungle, but like a jungle you can find really really good bits where you can find other friendly creatures. True, and the real world has got to be more dangerous that the online world. It would be irrational to believe the reverse, however, either can affect the 'real world' of our thoughts and feelings.

Part two. KalamityKat I am an old man in my fifties, Old? The best part of life has yet to begin! You're only as old as you feel. I feel like a teenager - and often act like one too, haha, and so does my partner in crime. I have lived through life/existence with a simple tactic, it is avoidance. I was once misdiagnosed as avoidant-schizotypal. Of course, it was nonsense. I'm a born optimist. I find nothing contradictory about enjoying my own company and needing friends too. I'm fussy about my friends though. I need them for they reassure me that I'm not alone in the world. Some can truly inspire me, make me think, improve my life no end... I'm very loyal too. I know and have known for a long time that people find me difficult, rude and arrogant. Also as I am clumsy with people. My closest real-life friend is all those things (and more besides), but that doesn't prevent us from being attached to one another like limpets! We accept our peculiarities and even enjoy them. Granted its a very frustrating tactic. Life/existence is very empty without some interaction, is better to restrict this to people who know yourself, or to occasional simple conversations with a gentle stranger in a public space. I have worked as a computer techie visiting clients who got used to me, people expect UNIX techies to be a bit strange. That sounds fair enough. I'd agree with you here. The internet did not exist when I was growing into my full stature, so I did not have the temptations that face you. Random chat is both dangerous and boring, I have tried it, there are a lot of very weird people out there, so its something I will not do again. Temptations have always existed in real life. I find there is far less common sense nowadays though. Random chat wouldn't appeal to me, mainly because it would bore me, but surely it's less dangerous than it would be in real life where you'd have less control. Unfortunately, life does involve a certain amount of risk, but hopefully we all have the intelligence to keep that risk to a minimum. Paranoia over perceived risks is a sign of the times, but is bad for the soul. Internet games are another thing I know nothing about, and really apart from a simple word game on this system, its unlikely I will ever be interested. They can be fun. They tend to be Aspie-friendly Your young and I would normally avoid you, this posting is the closet I will come. I have found the 'instant messaging' systems too much and too little. I have absolutely nothing apart from ASD in common with you or anyone else on this system. I draw no artificial boundaries in my friendships. Age means nothing to me compared with intellect, friendliness, common interests, etc. I could never avoid anybody merely on grounds of age. It seems to go against everything that being fully human, and living life to the full, means. I work as a volunteer with people of all ages, and one elderly woman openly admits that she dislikes teenagers. I simply can't understand such a sweeping dismissal of an entire age-group. I find my younger friends tend to be more inspiring than older ones, and I learn a lot from them. Somehow I think that you will find what I have said to be of no use. I don't find it of no use. It helps me understand you better, but it's a shame that you feel so pessimistic about life - but if you're content being like that, that's all that matters.

A brilliantly-written post, KK - naturally! ...the internet is a wonderful place for me. And for me too... and to think that I was a kommitted komputerphobe until 2006. Quite unbelievable. I still like my books though. It's easy to be deluded into thinking that the internet has all the answers; it doesn't and needs to be complemented by real life experiences - and reading books. I get to speak anonymously to people which helps with the confrontational side of real life. The internet has helped me in this way too. It's ideal for Aspies on many levels - but especially for communicating our thoughts, feelings and ideas on a more equal basis than in real life. It's just pixels sending messages. But, in those pixels lies no intonation. I can no longer detect sarcasm, and when people leave a sentence unfinished, I can't detect what they're implying. "Kat..." could easily turn into "Kat... I can't help but profess my love for you :D" or "Kat... shut up, you annoying person." It's usually the latter, but how on earth am I meant to know? Classik examples! So funny, yet only too familiar. They say Aspies can't detect sarcasm in real life, but in my experience many of us can - at least some of the time. Occasionally, I miss it, and take it literally, but not that often. In real life, intonation, facial expression and body language play such a big part in social communication, but as you say, KK, the internet lacks these nuances. That's why we use smilies. LOLs, ROFLs, emotikons, etc. As Aspies, we're better adapted when chatting on the internet than in real life, for we don't have to worry about our difficulties in reading social cues. The only trouble is that, NT's still behave in stereo-neuro-typical ways on the internet. They assume that we can all understand them and read their minds. It's not only Aspies who often get the wrong end of the stick, but other NTs too. The internet is also a favoured haunt of a particulary nasty personality-type, and they've even been given a name: trolls. Psychologists are doing a lot of research on trolling, and they've discovered that most have personality disorders - usually of the narcissistic and psychopathic types. The internet offers a whole new opportunity to control, belittle and insult strangers. Such personalities feed off the hurt that they cause to others (known as narcissistic supply). They gain pleasure by watching them suffer either in real life, or by reading their words online. Once you've identified one of these people, the worst thing you can do is to continue trying to defend yourself, for you're playing right into their hands. No amount of careful reasoning will make them change their ways. The best thing to do is to ignore them by not replying. If using a forum, you can ask a moderator to do something about it - warn or ban them. Any good mod who sees trolling going on should act quickly to stop it. I've been a victim of this several times, and found it very stressful, and have even lost sleep over it. At one time it never dawned on me that these people had serious mental issues, and I'd even imagine that I'd done something wrong. NTs get even more annoyed when I ask, extremely politely in response: "Please finish your sentence so I know you're not confessing your love for me. It's always a possibility for me, LOL!" How could that possibly be interpreted badly? Do they not see the "LOL"? Politeness doesn't work with these types. It seems to provoke even more insults. They may well be NTs, but they're NT's with PDs. They suddenly accuse me of trolling. Pots calling kettles black... This is known as denial-and-projection. They deny their own faults and project them onto their chosen scapegoat, ususually someone particularly sensitive or intelligent. Unlike Aspies, they're very good at reading emotions (cognitive empathy), but they lack emotional and compassionate empathy. If they have a degree of social influence or kudos withing their group (narcissists are good at sham charisma), their followers will tend to side with them. I tell them I have ASD and suddenly they rant at me for lying. When they finally believe me (which often they don't), they have no idea what it is, and tell me to control myself. This happens nearly everywhere. I've had it too, KK, but at least you know why you are so badly affected by it. I didn't at the time. I just thought I was weird, even though I knew I was in the right. It's getting to the point where I'm considering to just stop playing any games, and just leave the internet. It's always the same scenario. I just want my questions answered, and they say I'm trolling. Does anybody have any advice on dealing with these people? Making them treat me better? I really don't want to leave. If you find that no-one is supporting you, or is only half-heartedly supporting you, and if appealing to mods (if any) falls on deaf ears, then that's the time to leave. It's like having friends who treat you like dirt in real life. Such 'friends' just aren't worth having. Note: They tell me I can never be a trainee (what I aspire to be in the game) because I'm not mature enough, despite me being a very mature teacher that has taught other kids very easily, most with behaviour problems. I'm sure I can handle a game. You're mature beyond your years, KK, and I suspect that they secretly suspect the same, however, like all gifted people, and probably most Aspies, you are sensitive. In my book, sensitivity is true maturity - a virtue. The so-called maturity of so much about the NT world is more akin to shallow bravado and empty bluff. Of course you can handle the game, but they fear that they're not up to handling you - so they make excuses.

Thanks for the update. Were you aware at the time that you said alaming things to your psychiatrist? If so, why did you say them. I fell the system is letting you down, as it does so many others. It's far too inflexible. Punishing you will not help. Good luck, anyway.

Congratulations, dm2010 ! But one thing I have learned. AS has great advantages in the scientific and technical fields especially as you get older. If I had my time over again, would I trade my technical abilities for popularity as a teen and young adult ? The answer is no, and I become more certain of this as the years pass. Same here, a definite no! I too have technical abilities and agree about those great advantages of AS, but being polymathic has kept me from following a career based upon a particular interest. In theory, I'm sure I could have done well in such a career, but nobody knew at the time that I had Asperger's. Even so, I don't regret for a moment the meandering paths I have taken in life.

Some very good points there, Sally. Not only is the system hard to navigate, it can also be hard-hearted, and downright cruel at times. It tends to be the less-educated parents who suffer the most, for they're most likely not to question misdiagnoses. Not all of us have studied child psychology, and those who haven't are put at an immediate disadvantage. Professionals are too often assumed to be almost god-like figures whose pronouncements are unfallible. Nothing could be further from the truth. They do make mistakes, and countless children and families suffer as a result, simply because they are allowed to get away with it. Psychiatry isn't an exact science, and is largely based upon subjective opinion. We shouldn't have to struggle for justice, and navigating the system, and dealing with it, needs to be far more user-friendly. Service-users themselves need to be involved in making this happen. This is excatly what is now happening in my local area. We're meeting with senior NHS staff, setting targets, monitoring them and having an influence. Yes, Cristinita, we need to be given hope. court approved expert witness lists all lining their pockets So very true, and often they have a conflict of interests here, and often they will willing lie to protect their paymasters. The bias against families is enormous. The average family can't afford expert witnesses. sorry to be cynical but this is my experience You're not being cynical; you're being realistic. I've read too much on this to call it cynicism. only recourse is overwhelming and complex complaints procedures which require guts and stamina and oodles of time and expert picking apart of issues, speak as one experienced and knowledgeable both inside and out of system. You've put this very well. I echo your feelings. I've gone through all this myself - it was so very draining and soul-destroying, and seems to be deliberately designed to be as user0unfriendly as possible. Nowadays all official complaint procedures are essentially intended to protect the organisaton concerned, and they're not averse to dirty tricks if they consider it 'necessary'. Another big adavantage they have over us little people is that they are highly organised and have seemingly limitless funds to plough into their cover-ups. PS - Forget the Norfolk Broads thing. It's only your ranking on the forum. I now climbed as high as Ben Nevis!

Chatbox could be good IF everybody thinks before they writes. It is easy to offend / be indiscreet / violate the terms of service with those things. True, but mods could kick off the offensive types. I must admit though that, compared with many, I find this forum surprisingly free of offensive comments and language. In real life, too, I've yet to be offended or hurt by an Aspie. Of course, we may have our differences, but that is good. In general, we seem better behaved than NTs and we think more. Since I realised I was on the spectrum, I've found a whole lot of new and interesting people - and I feel so much safer among them. I'm more wary among NTs, for it's them who've caused the difficulties in my life. Of course most don't, but I've known some really nasty and creepy types, who sense my vulnerability and exploit it. Studied poetry properly, at one of the big universities (particularly Shelley and Spenser). An unusual combination. I read a lot of poetry, not all of it in English either. I have very wide poetic interests, but the Anglophone poets with whom I most identify would include Emily Dickinson (undoubtedly an Aspie), WB Yeats, Edward Thomas, Alice Meynell, Francis Thompson, John Clare, William Blake, and many others... do you know a song called "Jackie", - Scott Walker sang it in English Yes I do, and I know the French original too by the inimitable Jacques Brel. Very naff bohemianism is my forte. A concept entirely new to me. How fascinating! Some of my demi monde adventures have been downright dangerous. Became increasingly reclusive from my mid twenties. Some of my intellectual adventures in my search for Truth have been downright dangerous, but well worth it. I'm becoming less reclusive than I was, but paradoxically my longing for the eremitical life has never been so strong. I've never been to Warrington museum. I have relatives who lived at Great Sankey. I bet they've been there. Pontefract museum is a gem too - a flamboyant art nouveau building that oozes all things liquorice. In one period (18th century?) big posh people, particularly in England, had enormous big posh gardens. These gardens were meant to be strolled or driven or rode round by guests, who would find various bits of landscape, fake Greek temples, fountains or whatever, amusing, awe inspiring or whatever. There's not much you can tell me about hermits, follies, big posh gardens ...or even hermeticism (which has nothing to do with hermits). I have several books on follies, including Barbara Jones' seminal work. I adore them, and the eccentric mentality that lay behind them, but I'm also attracted to the deeper philosophical meaning behind that quintessentially 18th century seemingly frivolous fashion. Having a hermitage was all the rage at some point in this fashion, and some of the rich used to employ a willing local to be a part time hermit for the entertainment of guests. Adverts for ornamental hermits were published, giving job specifications, which included such requirements as not cutting or washing hair, beards or nails, looking picturesquely unkempt, wearing sackcloth, refraining from intoxicating liquor, etc. Sometimes they were provided with a bible or skull in order to meditate upon mortality - or use as a drinking vessel. Wealthy friends of their patrons were given tours around the estate, and the rustic hermitage was the status symbol of the times, where they would glimpse through the foliage a 'real' hermit, dwelling upon higher thoughts to which they themselves aspired. The whole idea seems so alien to the modern mind, yet I can identify with it so very easily. I've written at some length on the vanitas theme in art, and hermits come into this quite heavily. St Anthony of Egypt was the archetypal hermit of the Christian tradition, and had an enormous influence. The western esoteric Tradition also makes much of hermits, and Jung identified the hermit as as one of his archetypes - common to all humanity. I've been reading the Hermitary website for years now, and even joined their forum. Being inhabited by hermits, social interaction is understandably sparing and infrequent! Seriously off-topic, but so interesting!

Yes, I've used those on forums too. Good idea, KK.

"...shreds of sociability, or more correctly my parodic social performances... Ordinary society has never been able to contain the Alexanderplatz social phenomena, so it has happened on and off in various demi mondes over the years. These demi mondes had to be tolerant of my eccentricities." How poetically put! Although I've never smoked or vaped in my life, I can identify with your existential dilemma all the same. Smoking is your coping mechanism, and is probably more reliable than my own - running away, discreet 'stimming', full-blown meltdowns... ! Looking back I can see my own social circles as rather transitory demi mondes - never full, always demi. A monde plein, by defintion would be too mundane - 100% in fact, and therefore too stressful. My own quasi social life tends to revolve around sundry 'misfits' - far more interesting and stimulating than the banal social whirl/world inhabited by the neurotypical hoi polloi. I too am an occasional denizen of museums, art galleries, churches, etc. They have a mysterious socially calming effect. So do wild places (I don't mean nightclubs). I'm intellectually and spritually inclined towards the eremitical life (yes, it's a worthy profession), but I'm 'socially' inclined towards the dubious attractions of the demi monde. The demi monde usually comes to me, rather than me going to it. .

I see what you mean. I thought you had questions about your diagnosis. Like you, my diagnosis makes me wonder how my life would have been had my AS been recogised much earlier. It would certainly have been much easier, and would have taken a different course. I feel cheated by an inadequate awareness of HFA all those years ago - and we've still got a long way to go.

It sounds more serious than sensory processing disorder to me. (I've re-read Olga Bogdashina's work on this, and it doesn't seem to fit your son). From what you're telling me, I don't think CAMHS are getting it right - or doing anything like enough, especially if he has suicidal thoughts. They're right about childhood schizophrenia being rare - but it's not unknown, and they shouldn't blithely sweep away the possibility. He needs more than an ADOS test, and needs to see a good child psychiatrist with wide experience of autism and co-morbid conditions. The sooner the better. Is he currently taking any medication? He may be suffering from adverse side effects.

I can get to Chester quite easily. "I, have, have, have to use an e cigarette when impersonating sociability btw." Haha! A true eccentric! How did you manage before they appeared. Were you a hermit?

Hello and welcome. I too had a late diagnosis, and it was quite a battle at times - but well worth it. There seems to be a trend in giving vague ASD diagnoses. With the DSM5 scrapping the Asperger's and the catch-all PDD-NOS diagnoses, it comes as no surprise to me. However, I'd have thought that a more precise diagnosis would be more useful when it comes to assessing support needs. I was hoping that PDA and the female-type AS profile would become a specific diagnoses in their own right, but it's unlikely. I feel ambivalent over diagnostic labels for they can be very useful, and yet they can also be used (wrongly) against us in various ways.

Welcome to the forum. I've noticed many times that having a diagnosis can have very varying effects upon us. I too had a late diagnosis, and as it's so far been 100% positive for me, I can't understand how a diagnosis can raise more questions. Surely, it should answer all questions and raise none. If any diagnosis raises questions, it seems to me that it's incomplete or flawed in some way. If you're not entirely satisfied with it, you need to discuss it with your psychiatrist. After all, it's in everyone's interest to get it right, and psychiatry isn't a exact science.

Welcome to the forum, Sizzler. I'm not all that good at relationship advice, but as an I'm on the spectrum, I do know what it's like to have friction in a relationship due to A.S. At least you know that he has Asperger's, which isn't always the case. Can you identify the areas that that cause this friction? You say it relates to bringing up the children. Are there particular specific 'triggers' involved, or certain areas that you feel afraid to mention for fear of a conflict? Sometimes these can be very trivial, but they can easily become blown out of all proportion. Presumably, being an Aspie, he'll have a logical thinking style. Perhaps he's right, from a rational point of view, but you feel he's wrong from an emotional/intuitive point of view. Does he look at these differences in a logical way? Is he possibly even being more reasonable than you? I think the only solution would be to find a middle ground and come to a compromise. I seem to have asked a lot of questions here, but really they're questions you should be asking yourself. You're seeing the symptoms, and need to try to be emotionally distanced before you can get closer to the causes. Not very easy!

I hope t all went well, Martin! What a lovely photo By the way I was only talking about Orion yesterday (as well as Pegasus, the Plough & the Pleiades!

Sorry about my late arrival. The borderline between sensory processing disorder and early-onset schizophrenia is pretty blurred at such a young age. It also overlaps with synaesthesia, ideaesthesia (such as the red water) and the vivid imaginations that are so typical of many children. Imagining scary things in a dark room is very common, and not only among children. (I have always slept with a nightlight). Hearing 'good' and 'bad' voices is only a short step further. His identifying them with angels and demons sounds quite logical to a sensitive and imaginative child. Usually, these kind of of experiences in childhood are short-lived - lasting a year or two. I was wondering whether your son was under a lot of stress at school. Are his symptoms of the same nature and intensity both at home and at school or do they differ? If he is suffering stress, maybe due to sensory overload, bullying, etc. then reducing the causes of that stress may well reduce his delusions. I know that when I was under great stress (as an adult) I suffered many odd delusions - although I was always aware that they weren't quite 'real'. When the stress went, they went too.

Educational psychologists, social workers, paediatricians, teachers, child psychiatrists, etc. are notorious for being judgmental, and the parent-blaming culture is still very much with us - just as it was in the 1950s - although nowadays, it's more subtle, sophisticated and secretive. I have no respect for a system that treats intelligent, caring parents as dysfunctional inadequates. When a parent suspects autism, it's absolutely crucial that we insist upon a psychiatrist who specialises in autism and who has kept up with the latest research. Too many seem to be oblivious to the female AS profile, and there's a desperate need to take account of it when diagnosing. Rigidly following the diagnostic criteria of the ICD-10 or DSM5 not only shows that a professional is afraid of using his/her discretion and common sense, but it also shows up the inadequacy and subjectiveness of the current criteria. Far too often, girls and women are misdiagnosed - which can cause far more harm than good (boys and men who show the female traits, also get a raw deal). There's no point in diagnosing, say, anxiety and depression, without also diagnosing the root cause - autism. If the parents or teachers, through ignorance, don't even suspect autism, then the professionals aren't likely to even look for it. Diagnosing autistic children with 'attachment disorder' may well be very convenient and expedient for all the professional involved (a short-term fix), however, it is lazy, devious, deceitful and highly unprofessional - and can condemn that child to a lifetime of difficulties.

AS is caused either by inheritance, or by a mutated gene during pregnancy. I know a 12yo girl who is highly intelligent and gifted. She worked out by herself that she probably has AS, and has arranged to see her GP tomorrow, with very little parental support. I'm convinced she is on the spectrum, and see her thinking almost as a mirror of my own. The similarities are uncanny. I was speaking to an autism specialist the other day who confirmed my suspicions that all gifted children have autism to a degree, but due to their very giftedness they're able to disguise it in many ways. Looking back, it's so clear that I did the same, but it certainly takes its toll, and adult life and 'responsibilities' can cause no end of difficulties. With me, its side-effects were severe: years of chronic depression, several suicidal phases, bad meltdowns, panic attacks, anxiety, regression, C-PTSD and OCD. Our 'problems' are only seen as such in the eyes of the NT world. We certainly don't see them as problems, for logically and objectively they are not. We can't rewire our brains at will just to please others. All we ask for is to be understood and accepted for who we are. This is why a diagnosis is so important - regardless of our IQ.

how comfortable are you with someone says they love you or calling you darling, honey, sweetheart, baby, that kind of thing? and how do you feel about hugs? It depends very much on who it is and the context. Too many people say these things and give hugs simply out of habit. They don't really think about what they're saying or doing. It's all rather superficial and trite. This can sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. i hate it when people say i love you, and i find it very difficult to say. i used to say i get along with my brother, i dont hate my brother. i couldnt say i love him, although i felt a the sibling connection i felt with no one else, maybe becaue he's an aspie too. I don't hate saying it any longer, although I did until quite recently. If I mean it, I'll now say it. It means just one thing to me: that that person means a lot to me - so much that I feel very protective towards them and would 'move the earth' to make their lives happy. I'd still be there when all others had adandoned them. To me it has no sexual connotations, and transcends such things as gender, age, religion, etc. It's what being human is all about. I feel it towards animals too., and although I don't tell my cats that I love them, I do talk to them lovingly. all this darling stuff is annoying when said with feeling, but i like it when people say this to strangers in an easy, effortless, and non committing manner. not in a loving manner, but more flattering. i've seen costomers talking to the waitress this way, "can you bring a cup of coffee, darling?" this is nice. i like this. Same here. I don't mind this. It's unaffected and endearing and puts me at ease. Many feminists of a certain narrow-mindset complain that it's sexist. Sometimes it is, but usually it's perfectly innocent and just a way of being friend. (I identify with genuine equality feminism, rather than this counterfeit, mean-spirited and joyless version). as for hugs, i communicate through touch, and i love it. I love it too, but I don't do long hugs. I touch hands, stroke hair. I just can't help it. It's only occasional but I do tend to touch when parting with a close friend. It's almost like an OCD quasi-magical-thinking thing, for I associate it with good luck and protection. but as for all those nasty soap operas when people blubber, "Have i told you how happy you make me, how you are the meaning of my life, how important you are to me." this just makes me sick. Yes!! For one thing it's not real, and we know it's all an act in these 'soaps'. I can't stand watching that kind of thing. The trouble is that people imitate, and do it real life too - because unconsciously they feel they must, and that it's part of being 'normal'. People who overdo this tend to suffer from histrionic personality disorder, and I have bitter personal experience of this. Do you have any explanation as to why we have such a hard time with these words? Words are never sufficient to describe our feelings. 'Emotion words' will only ever amount to approximations, but they're also mere symbols of something very abstract. This applies both to neurotypical people and Aspies, but for Aspies it will be even more difficult to understand exactly what is meant - especially where the reading of emotions is involved. This is partly why poets use words differently. A poem can get closer to our true feelings than simply saying something like "I love you". To those of us who are 'tuned in' to poetry, a short poem can often convey so much more than a long conversation. The American poet, Emily Dickinson, was undoubtedly on the spectrum. I share many traits with her, and suspected she was an Aspie long before I discovered that she had been widely recognised as such. Like myself, it would seem that she found expressing emotions difficult, although she does it so well in her strange little poems with their unique style. Like me, she felt uncomfortable with most adults (no doubt NT adults), and never married. (Typically for Aspie writers, her work was only published after her death, and now she's classed as perhaps America's foremost poet).

Locking up anybody at all should be treated as a last resort. If they pose a genuine threat to themselves or to others (as determined by suitably qualified professionals) they need to be kept in a secure environment, but by that I don't mean being locked in a featureless cell. This will exacerbate any mental health issues they may be suffering from. There are better, more civilised and humane ways of dealing with children who are 'difficult' - for whatever reason. You've only to look at how things are being done in Europe.