SarahSH

HI shortcake, although I am a mum myself I agree with baddad that the truth is probably somewhere in the middle of the mum who understands almost too well and the dad who doesn't always want to try. I wonder if it is so great for our kids to over-rely on that one person in the whole world who understands them so well. Perhaps a bit of healthy non-understanding from dad or stepdad is good now and again, so they realise that you are actually a different person, rather than an extension of them and their wishes, if you know what I mean. I know we want to smooth their path, and life seems so hard for our kids sometimes you could just cry, but they still do need a good firm 'No - this time you fit in with us' now and again. If you've got someone who loves and supports you, that is really something to hold on to, for your own sake and also for your son's. And your daughter's. Sarah

Hi Caroline, My 15 yr-old son is diagnosed with Aspergers, dyspraxia and also semantic pragmatic disorder which seems to have something to do with the processing you mention. The guy said they were all related, and the names kind of overlapped. It seems to be to do with processing information that comes from the outside world - so that an NT person would perceive where their body is more easily in relation to objects, say, and also would process and act on that information more easily. It's like a kind of physical memory, as I understand it. It takes my son many many more times to register a physical process ( eg shoelace tying, or climbing, or brushing his teeth) and make it automatic than it would an NT person. Don't know if that strikes a chord for you? Lists of tasks therefore need breaking down much more - if I tell my son two things to do or get from upstairs say, he is likely to forget the second or both, because he needs to concentrate much more to do one, than another person with a more ready access to automatic body memory would. It seems to me like normal everyday life takes up more of his brain than it does for NT people. Don't know if that's relevant to what you are thinking about sarah

Hi mrs fussy think you're right to take it seriously. What school employs the teacher's mum as a TA! nepotism or what? Is she trained in any way? sounds like that's the issue to me. Even if you set aside her serious lapse of self control in smacking your son's hand, what guarantee have you got that she will behave appropriately in the future? if she's his TA or the TA inhis class, and that was just his preliminary visit, it's not good news for next year. The school have a duty to make sure the staff they employ are aware of how to respond appropriately to behaviour they want to discourage. I would want to ask about ASD training if I were in your position. Sarah

Hi Selkie sounds really tough at the moment - no wonder you need to shout! I know how you feel and have yelled my head off in the past and then felt terrible and thought I'd ruined them for life. (probably did ) One thought - is there anyone else around for you to turn to and also for him? I think one of the hardest things for all of us is how much we end up coping on our own, and it seems to make the situation with our kids worse and worse. I've had times on my own with my children (NT, semi-NT/AS, and AS/dyspraxic ) and think it made my AS son too connected to me, which he tends to be anyway. I feel looking back, that I wish I'd turned to someone else more - anyone - mum? sister? brother? friend? barstaff? for support, and also managed to find an older bloke for him to relate to. Easier said than done I know but is there anyone male around at all who might get on with him and do stuff with him now and again? My son gets on well now with his grandad, and I wish he had seen more of him sooner. Don't think our isolation helped either of us ( obvious I know but looking back I could have done more to prevent it maybe) and made him even more over-reliant on me. Thinking of you Sarah

Hi Elun sounds like you're under pressure. Tough situation, especially if it's hard to discuss with his dad. (I know what you mean there) Would a diagnosis help? is the main question. If it would mean they take his learning style more into account it might be helpful - perhaps he tunes out if overstimulated with too much going on? It's really frustrating when they insist on seeing it as OK or not OK! he might be OK, but still be AS! Wouldn't it be great if teachers were taught to be sensitive to the possibility of autistic type traits, which need careful handling, without treating it like an illness someone either has or hasn't got. And acting like if they have got it, they must be mentally ill and not very bright. It seems to me to be much more a way of thinking and looking at the world. With my AS son there's an over-sensitivity to some things, and an unnegotiable sense of truth, which means what is true is true, regardless of who says it. He's actually extraordinarily perceptive, even about people, which he's not supposed to be with an AS diagnosis. At least we're all in the same boat, up the same creek with or without paddles take care Sarah

Hi Mrs F I know where you're coming from - it's very hard to say what's AS, and what's just your child being his original highly intelligent sensitive self. In some ways, that's what AS is. And I can't help thinking that if my AS dyspraxic son were in a school where there were more absent-minded professor type people, he'd probably do better and what's more stand out less. Square peg in round hole syndrome. But we couldn't seem to find just exactly the square hole he needed, and I spose a big part of it is not being able to adapt very easily. So we did go for a diagnosis and statement. Which has been a mixed blessing, because people assume he's stupider than he is and expect less of him. His helpers do work for him and he lets them. He's unusually perceptive but very very disorganised and not inclined to assert himself and explain his point of view, so people don't realise what a good brain he's got. If it helps - I think it's only worth a diagnosis if it will lever extra help for your son that he needs. Good luck with it all. Sarah

Thanks for that - it sounds like it might well be part of the problem. But he had a glowing report from the optician for a very recent eye test. Would that cover depth perception? or do I need to take him back for a specific check? Sarah

Yes I know what you mean. A little pile of clothes on the beach and a one way ticket to paraguay seems oddly tempting somehow. Well maybe two little piles of clothes. Don't think I could leave him behind if it came to it. My son's 15 now and still doesn't really have any friends and it's very hard. he's a bit eccentric and i spose that's why - other kids aren't sure how to relate to him. He wishes he was more normal, but I don't know how to teach him to be more normal without seeming to be constantly picking on him for tiny things. Like this morning he was 'ready' for school and was standing outside half an hour early in the cold and rain, hair all over the place shirt half tucked in tie inside his collar, singing. Which is absolutely fine so long as you don't want any one to think you're just like anyone else. I feel for you. We've never found any group really either. I really wish he had just one friend who he could do stuff with instead of me or his dad all the time. One thing we have done, which I'm sure you'll have thought of, is really really practise something to be OK at (he's dyspraxic too god bless him), and use that as something to join in with. We have done that with table tennis, which we played every day two summers ago until he got the hang of it, and he now plays quite well. His stepbrother and similar age cousins still beat him though, and he really hated not winning in a competition on holiday. Still at least there's maybe something there to build on. Just no magic answers sadly. Don't be hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can. take care Sarah

I agree about the will power. My son did eventually learn to swim, although he swims like a drowning man and always gets asked if he's OK by lifeguards. The only way we did it was by him having lessons in a group of 4, and going every day for ages and mucking about in the water with him. he still hates waterslides unlike all his cousins, and so gets a bit left out on holiday when everyone else is whizzing down the slides and splashing into the water. Still I spose it's up to him what he does for fun. Sarah

I've been thinking lots about my son's struggles in similar kind of ways. It's made me wonder whether not pushing things ends up looking like a) yes it really is that scary or yes you really can control the world through mum. Neither of them are great messages for later life and maybe increase anxiety. I know he's scared of a lot of things, but a huge part of it is the fear itself, and taking away the control - in a way that you know as his parent is safe - may actually reduce the anxiety. Although I do remember having to get bread and milk once and he screamed "my mum is forcing me!" at the top of his voice so that a lady asked if he was OK and told me off. I could understand why she did in this day and age & it was hard to explain what was happening. I just tried my hardest not to look too evil. Sarah

Wow thanks Lisa how incredible! It's got to be 10years of shoe-tying hassle and associated issues and that actually looks pretty do-able. Can't wait to give it a go when he gets home. Thank you so much <'> Sarah

Thanks everybody. Sounds like a bit of level-headed balance is required, never my strong suit. I will give it another go in a kind of relaxed way... The problem is that ever since he was little, his default position has been lying on the floor with his thumb in his mouth. I seem to have become a kind of van nistelroy, constantly chivvying my son into action. (we do like our football in this house & can describe every goal ever scored in any league you care to mention. Can we remember historical dates for gcse? No.) And the lovely thing about this is that the responsibility for his life becomes mine, and he doesn't have to remember anything but I do. Which works as long as I'm on tap, and as long as he wants to be kind of young for his age. But now he's 15, and suddenly there are GIRLS. his nt stepbrother, also 15, is tall and cool and handsome and my son, love him though I do with all my heart, is kind of not. So I'm trying to step back so he can grow up, but then all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing to help him learn daily life skills is actually quite bossy and intrusive. Has anyone seen One flew over the cuckoo's nest? I sometimes feel, if not like nurse ratchet please god, then a bit like the mum of that poor stammering boy. I want him to have his life now, and what's more I would quite like mine Sarah

Hi, just wanted to ask if anyone had any advice about developmental delay aspect of dyspraxia. Does it get better/go away? My son is 15 and still would struggle to tie shoelaces if I ever bought him shoes with laces. Somehow or other we always manage to find slip on or velcro even at the age he is without making him look ridiculous. But I wonder if I should really have made him do it, because all the other kids who found it easier have had twelve years of daily practice at it which I have ruled out by getting him shoes he can do up (more) easily.. Maybe trying to help or work around these practical things he struggles with all these years has been counter-productive. Any one else in the same boat? No? Just me then... I just never know how far to push him to do things and get the physical practice, or how far to ease things along so it builds his confidence and makes life less of a continual struggle. I'd love to hear from anyone who has a child with AS and dyspraxia Sarah

Hi everyone I'm really glad to find this forum although I wish I had found it years ago when my son was shouting 'help! my mum's forcing me to come here!' in the supermarket and kind old ladies were giving me evil looks & I just had to smile and take it! he's now 14 and we're through the worst with any luck... until he finishes school I really like getting the post head ups and reading everyone's comments - makes me realise it's not just me!! Sarah

Hi kirstie haven't posted before but your post reminded me of my son now 14 who is dyspraxic. I had 2 Nt kids who walked at 14/15 mnths, so I knew he would be a late walker, but it seemed to go on forever - for years I could only cook onehanded because he was welded to my hip. he did walk eventually, but I recognise that light step you mentioned. he still walks like he desn't really want to put his foot down hard. I wonder if it's connected to that proprioception thing, where some kids don't have a great sense of where their bodies are in relation to things? But this is not to say your child has the same difficulty as my son. I think all these things are such a mixture - what's neuro-typical, anyway? Different kids seem to have all sorts of different things mixed up in what they find easy and what they find hard. i resisted a label for years because to me he was just him, like the others were. Hope you get something useful from your clinic visit, Sarah