soraya

Nick is very confidant and makes friends easily, but he cannot keep them, he is so desperate that he swamps people, he is so full on, txts them all the time, until it gets too much, and they leave him, he cannot understand that you have to take things slowly and stop being so needy

My son got ESA six months ago, but he recently had to have a medical, which he failed. Because Nick can go to the supermarket and doctors on his own they say that he has no communication problems and is fit for work!! He has had three failed jobs due to social difficulties but it makes no difference!! His medical interview was carried out by a "healthcare professional" with no experience with autism!! So be warned you will have to have a medical in a few months, so good luck!!

Yet again Nick feels very low on his birthday, all he wants to do is go out with a few mates, but he doesn't have any. I always make an effort and get him some lovely pressies and a cake, but it never makes up for lack of friends. He. Has gone to the cinema with his dad, but I long for him to be going out with others his age, the sad thing is he is now 19, and he says it is never going to happen, it really breaks my heart.

I can totally relate to thois topic, havent been on the forum for a while, but feel so fed up at the moment. Nick is 19, he has a social worker and sees a mental health worker, but as Nick misses his appointments all the time they are signing him off !! I have asked SS to let me know when Nick has an appointment but as he is 19, they wont speak to me!! He has had 2 failed college courses, 1 failed apprenticeship, and 3 failed jobs, all due to social difficulties and inappropiate behaviour towards girls!! He was on ESA, but we have since failed the medical, as the questions were so stupid, and basically because Nick can drive and go to the supermarket on his own, they think he is ok for work!! He def needs supported employment but he is not willing as he thinks he is ok and the only reason he has been diagnosed is my fault cause i couldnt cope with him and took him to CAMBS!!! I never get any thanks for all i do, he thinks it is ok to live in a pigs sty. Whenever he meets a girl he makes them feel very uncomfortable as he is so over the top with them , the friendship usually only lasts a few days, and he gets very angry and depressed and takes it out on me !! This sutiation seems very common for young adults, it def seems that the help stops at 18. I am very very worried about the future for Nick, but feel so alone, I just want someone to give him a chance.

Have just spoken to the manager and she said she was within her rights to dismiss Nick as he was on probation, she also said she was worried that he might say something to upset the customers, and she has to think of the other staff who were uncomfortable around him!! I feel like ringing the head office but I don't know if it will help. Just so very sad for Nick as he does try

My poor son has failed yet another probation period for a job, this is the 6th time it has happened. This time it was at McDonlads, Nick has been there two weeks and was loving every minuite, a totaly changed person, happy and with a purpose in life. Yesterday he went in only to come back after an hour with a form to say he had failed to make the grade. It said he was a good worker,and great with the customers and polite, but he was too intense with other members of staff, offering them lifts home and going through the drive through on his days off, thus making them feel uncomfortable. I now have a very unhappy angry young man to deal with!! The trouble is because Nick doesnt have any friends he tries too hard with people at work and its freaks the girls out!! Nick will not disclose his aspergers as he thinks he will not get the job if he puts it on the application form, i think he should as it may help explain his behaviour. Are there any agencies out there that help to get jobs and act as a sort of mentor when things go wrong? I have looked into supported employment but that would be too intense support.

It seems this is a very common problem, my son has had 2 failed college placements, a failed apprenticeship, and 3 jobs that have not continued after the months trial, this has left a very deppressed and angry young man who has given up on life, and frankly I don't blame him. He is now 18 and lives off his ESA. There have been many times when we have felt like telling him to pack his bags and go, but I know he just would not cope. The previous post also made me shed a tear as it could have been my son talking, he keeps saying "leave me alone and I will sort things out in my own time" maybe be the time has come to back off and stop nagging, although it will be very hard, he needs to find his own way in life, although I hope he realises I am always here for him, even though our relationship is awful at the moment, I am sure he just gets angry and aggressive with me because he knows my love is totally unconditional and I will be there for him whatever age.

I know just how you feel, my son has just turned 18 and it breaks my heart that he does not have friends, he does try to make friend but they never last due to lack of social skills. However he has just passed his driving test which has given him independence and he does go out, but it is usually on his own cruising in the car!!

Hi Baddad, thanks for the advice, the trouble with Nick is he just will not listen to anyone, he is so clever and manipulating,i do blame myself for a lot of his behaviours, i have given in because i have tried to compensate that he has such a hard time, it is so hard when your 17 year old is crying because he looks out of the window and sees groups of teenagers just hanging out and having fun, he so wants to be a part of it!! If anyone reading this has young ASD kids, take head and dont give in because you feel so sorry for them, it doesnt work and just causes problems when they are older and stronger. I did call his bluff last week when he said he was going to kill himself, he got very angry, but he hasnt used that threat since!!

Hi everyone, bit of advice needed here, Nick is very down at the moment as he has no friends to go out with, we have tried to explain to him that he frightens people away, because as soon as he makes a friend he swamps them with txts, invites out, and generally not leaving them alone!! The trouble is because of a very fragmented education he has had no help with social skills, and he just trys too hard. For example he met a girl a couple of days before valentines day, and he then bought her teddies, chocolates, jewellery and a huge card, this just frightened her off and we had a complete meltdown for a few days. Getting to the point, yesterday he had an interview for college in sept, he got the place which is great and met a girl who is also doing the course, they went for a coffee after and he seems smitten after 4 hours!! he spent most of last night txting her and said " we are going to really go for it and she is coming round here everyday for 2 hours revision when we start!!" . Now if past history is anything to go by Nick will pester this girl all summer to meet him, she will back off and college will be over before its begun :wallbash: I have tried to talk to him about backing off and giving people space, but he will not talk to me or his dad or brothers, he just gets very angry and says we are just trying to spoil things for him He just wants a normal social life but how can we get him to take advice? By the way, he has been very controlling with friends since a very young boy.

I know just how you feel, my son is 17 and does the same thing, his argument is that the internet is his only form of friendships , he goes on an American teen chat room which is why he is up half the night!! It is very hard as he has no friends and the only time i see him happy is when he is talking on line. We have tried banning the internet at night but he only watches TV instead . Also the trouble is that we need to go to bed at a reasonable time, so we cannot be up really late making sure he is behaving, also the same applies with not letting him sleep during the day, when you are at work you cannot do anything about it. My son can survive on 5 hours sleep a night, this has been the case since he was very young. I am sorry not to be much help, but you are not alone <'> ><

We do get DLA and i am going to use it to pay for some counselling for Nick. He is very worried as to the outcome of his offence, so we have said if he shows remorse and is willing to talk to someone it will be in his favour and he should just get a final warning. JSmum, we had so many fights with the LEA over funding for residential schools and we were not successful, so I know for a fact SS would not fund any specialist supported housing, its bad enough trying to get direct payments!!! Things are calm at the moment and Nicks brothers are down at the weekend to talk to him so watch this space!! Thanks for all your replys

Hi Sally and thanks for your reply, at last someone who sees a different side to the story. Education failed Nick, he was moved from school to school, and therefore has no social skills training at all. He is very confident, perhaps too much, and can talk for England!! Although his behaviour was totaly unacceptable, I feel he is a very lonely and angry young man. So many people have said " dont put up with his behaviour, next time call the police" that I felt i needed to do it as a wake up call for him. Well much to our horror he was charged and is out on police bail, the officer who can round said that he would just recieve a warning, but instead was locked up for 6 hours and was charged. This is why l was reluctant to call the police in the first place. We have had a long chat with Nick, and it turns out that the reason he is always on the internet is that it is the only form of social life he has, we have tried to explain that this is not real life, but it is all he has. All he wants is a mate who will go to the cinema with him, or come round and just chill out but he has no one

Well, he was meant to be staying at his uncles house last night but he turned up at 4.30 crying on the doorstep. We let him in and called SS when they were open to say we could not have him living with us, and they said they could not put him in supported housing as he has aspergers and needs to be assesed. We have an appointment for some medeation tommorow arranged by SS so we will see what happens. He has been told this is his final chance by us and the police. He seems to be sorry for what happened, and is at last willing to talk.

Well, Nick has done it again, he has kicked off really badly and threatened me, thrown things around the house, and had a complete meltdown, just because I told him that instead of lying around the house all day, he needs to go job hunting!! I called the police this time and he has been arrested. I am going to stand firm and not allow him back in to the house, my question is do SS have to step in and give him assisted living as he is 17?

Hello, In a bid to add further confusion to my Mums account I thought I'd post my two penneth worth on the topic. My name is Tom and I am the eldest of the three brothers, Phil originally wrote this posting, and Nick is the boy/adult who suffers with Aspergers and behavioural difficulties. I moved away from the family home back in 2002 to head off to university and have been living and working in London ever since. This makes it very difficult to keep up to speed with the situation at home and I am aware that my Mum (we'll call her Soraya) doesn't tell me everything that is going on as I know she doesn't want me to worry. However as soon as there is a more eruptive episode like that of last week then everything tends to come out. From my ill-informed perspective and from what my brother and Soraya tell me, it is clear something needs to change. The problem is this has always been the case... I remember growing up with Nick when he was a lot younger and to be honest nothing much seems to have changed, only that he has gotten larger and his behaviour more evidently aggressive as he now has a lot more weight to throw around. The only thing that remains a constant is his maturity which seems to have gotten stuck at around about age twelve. The thing that really concerns me is he is getting older and stronger, and, whilst the 17 vs 52 age gap means my parents are more a less still in control, the balance of power is shifting and will continue to shift, 27 vs 62, 37 vs 72... and whats supposed to happen then? It is absolutely crystal clear in my mind that something needs to change, 'tough love' sounds right because whenever I visit the family home there is an unnatural amount of arguing, especially over irrelevant everyday issues and everybody seems un happy. I believe one of the fundamental flaws in resolving any 'Nick' related issue is that my Mum and Dad simply don't align themselves to a shared viewpoint and are continually blaming each other for his bad behaviour. The general jist of it is that my Dad tends to wait and wait until Nick pushes him too far and then with absolutely no tact or sensitivity, reacts in an equally aggressive manner back at Nick – he blames my Mum for not being strict enough. On the other side of the coin my Mum tries a more softly softly approach which Nick takes full advantage of, summoning her to his every whim, and to make life easier I think my Mum tends to go along with it. I think its this un-united approach ultimately confuses Nick further, but also means that nothing gets resolved or no rules are put in place and enforced. It also gives them a great excuse to blame each other when 'episodes' happen. I feel terribly naive writing this as I really don't get the full picture on a daily basis. I also feel terribly guilty that I don't put more effort in to help out in whatever way I can. Its difficult as my life is in London now, but I really would like to help out more. I think decisions need to be made, people need to be aligned to a common approach and view point and then ultimately see whatever it is that needs to be seen, through to whatever end. Sorry I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post but it would be good to at least get some wheels turning in the right direction. Does anybody have any further information and experience regarding assisted living? And does anybody know how to obtain one of these Section 23 assessments? Many thanks in advance, Tom.

Thanks alot for your reply. The option of assisted living sounds like something to look into, my mum seems to think with the cut backs there are he wont get accepted for it but ive said we must persue it. Its great to know there are people like you who are here to help and support everyone, the fact you take the time to do so is amazing, genuine good souls who understand. my mums always tried to do the best by him and i think now that me my brother and especially my dad have not done enough. hes at the size and age now where he overpowers both my parents and this is the worry. we have called the police on a few occations before, however when he turns 18 he will obviously get a criminal record and make it even harder to get a job than it already is, he had a job over christmas for 3 months and during that time he was much better behaved. I think one of the main problems he has is the internet, he is on it all throughout the night and im sure he is just creating numurous lies on different websites and making personas that are not him, i know he speaks to people abroad and he lies to them all the time, ive suggested to my parents that we cut the internet off for a while and just pretend theirs a problem with it, do you think this is a good or bad idea? sorry about my typing skills, im a chef and dont use computers often.

Hi there, im using my mums log in to try and get some help and advice from people who really know what their talking about and she said i would find it on here. Im 24 and now live away from home but just down the road. my younger brother was diagnosed with aspergers many years ago. he has always been extremely violant and uses his words to really affect the family as well as manipulating them into thinking its all there fault. i try and talk to him all the time but all he does is swear and me and say get out the room. there have been many occations where my mum has been in tears as she doesnt know what to do but i dont know what to do to help her. the family have tried everything to try and support him and my mum is amazing but things are just getting worse. he is 18 in a few months and im really concerned im going to have to call the police again because of his actions but this time their would obviously be consequences. just today ive had to come home to my mums from work as something online has set him on a rant whereby he has smashed the house doors in, wrecked his room and been shouting and swearing at my mum threatening to hit her as well as my grandma and auntie who were in the house, i cant repeat the words used as it was just too much, i couldnt even think up such evil things. i came home as i recieved a phone voicemail from him saying if i stay over at the house to look after him while my mum and dad are away for the wekkend hel burn the house down with me in it whilst i sleep. these may seen like empty threats to some people but i truely believe he will soon commit a horrific crime. i also get very worried as my 3 yr old daughter is often at the house and i really dont trust his levels of violence. the only step i can see next is him being sent to a mental health home if such places still exist as i fear greatly for my families safety. i know hes a good person inside but his aggression plus the compulsive lying is scaring all of us. and as he makes continues lies to people i think they stop being his friends and then yet again he takes it out on my mum. any advice and help would be great.

Well, we lasted 2 weeks!! Nick walked out of college today as he was told he could not hve his mobile phone on him, he tried to lie by saying he had to have it as he was an emergency contact for him grandparents! his tutor phoned me to confirm this and i told him it was a pack of lies.Nick is very angry with me for not backing him up, but i told him i would not lie for him, he now says it is my fault and he wont continue the course. What an idiot i am to think things could change

Thanks everyone, still cant believe it is all still going so well, i have my life back, and was able to spend quality time with my mum and dad today, although the house is very quiet with nick gone from 8 till 4.30!! He has been doing a barista course this week, which is coffee making from the flash stainless steel machines in coffee shops, Nick is now a walking expert on coffee, and knows every bean!!!

Well what a turn around! Nick has signed up at college for a level 1 professional cookery course, we are into the 2nd week and so far so good. Last week was induction week, which he found very hard but he went everyday and even went on the teambuilding day at Blacklands Farm, which he said he wasnt going to do but the tutor seemed to be able to talk him round, which is a first because normally if he doesnt want to do something he digs his heels in!! He still spends all evening on the computor, but is sleeping better as he is getting up at 7.00am. I am keeping everything crossed and hoping that as he really loves cooking he will want to keep going,very early days but i am very proud of my boy at the moment

Hi BadDad ,Thanks for replying, Yes I know you are right regarding facebook, but the only thing to do would be to hide the lap top, but do l really want the house smashed up, and the police called? I dthought i had left all that behind, but Nick seems to be deppressed at the moment, due to hving o friends and he is now 17 and 14stone!! I will try not giving any money first!! I was looking online about a 12 course run by The Princess Trust and made enquires but it has had dthe plug pulled due to cutbacks, what a suprise!! Oh well what to do with an angry aspie teenager!!

I am a bit late replying to this topic, but you could be talking about my son, he spends every waking hour on facebook, arguing with people and acting like a real" no it all" His opion is the only one that counts and he makes friends only to annoy them, which results in everyone telling him to F.........off!! He wonders why he does not have a girl friend, but he just says the wrong thing all the time. He is also a compulsive lier, saying things to make him look good. I feel so sad for him as he can access friends photos on facebook showing everyone having a good time, but he never gets invited to anything. He wont listen to anything i say to him and at the moment our relationship is not good. He should be out of the house like every other teenager, and it just breaks my heart.

Hi Everyone, havent been here for a while but things are not good. Nick is now 17 and has left school with only 2 GCSE,S , he failed 3 as he did not revise at all as he said he would "walk It" !! He was going to do a public services course at college but he needed 5 GCSE to gain entry and so this is not an option. He now says he doesnt want to go to college and will get a job!!. At the moment he is obbsessed with facebook, he is on it untill about 4am and sleeps untill 3pm, he is lazy, his room is a tip, and when challenged he gets very angry and aggresive. At the moment I feel as if I have let him down as all the fight has gone out of me, since he was 5 I have challenged school, other parents, social services, and have just had enough, I thought things would improve after puberty and school, but you just get different problems!! Also my parents are now both old and infirm and Nick has had so much out of me, I now need to give my parents some time, but Nick just doesnt understand.