Delyth

Hi Pearl I understand Shona to mean the opposite of what you are understanding (!) - I think she means that possibly many men who appear to be "typical" in their difficult or apparently selfish behaviour could actually be on the spectrum. Perhaps in the past with little awareness of ASD's the only explanation for the difficulties was to 'blame maleness' because there was no other hook to hang it on? Just a thought.... Simon Baron Cohen's work argues that Autism is at the end of the spectrum of 'maleness'... I am not completely convinced but can see where he is coming from. I haven't read his work for a long time so perhaps I should refer back to it before I comment further... I remember a counsellor that my partner and I visited, being confused about the issues we were presenting to her because I was unable to explain the issues accurately enough due to my lack of understanding. So it seemed to her that the difficulties we were experiencing were down partly to my intolerance of my partner's little habits!! Once I was able to identify and explain our problems in greater detail and give examples she began to understand better. But it was difficult for her to fully appreciate. I think Maxine Aston has said that it is quite common for people to assume that issues are in the 'imagination' of the spouse - on the surface everything seems 'right' and problem free and even from the perspective of the person with AS within the relationship, it could be assumed that all is well. But once you begin to dig deeper, it becomes evident that there is an inability to communicate reciprocally that is creating the problems. I think she says that one of the main differences between 'typical bad male' behaviour (selfish arrogant etc.) and an ASD is the ability for the person to change... a typical male will have the ability to change and respond appropriately to another persons needs relatively easily if they so wish, where as a person on the spectrum will find it difficult - always, because the AS brain does not have the necessary neurons already in place - they have to be created through cognitive learning and action - a very lengthy process. Anyway... Best wishes Delyth

Thanks for your welcomes... I do feel a bit like I might not really 'belong' because none of our 3 children are on the spectrum (as far as we can tell) and it seems that everyone here is a parent (?)... anyway... nice to be here and feel part of a group. Sooze2 - don't worry about asking questions... it's good to share... My husband and I have been together for about 20 years and living together for about 10 and we ahve three children. I think our relationship started going down hill when we started living together and then with each child he found it more and more difficult to cope trying to deal with the hurly burly of family life. After about 5 years of being unable to resolve various issues and going round and round in circles, we began to realise that there was more going on than the usual stereotypical 'marital problems'. My husband finally had a diagnosis about three years ago. This has helped us a great deal in understanding the difficulties and we can now communicate much better. One of the other reasons he decided to go for a diagnosis was to help our children understand him... his behaviour was a little confusing for them at times! Anyway... nice to meet you too... Delyth

Hello N I'm an Aspie wife too! I'm not in the same situation as you any more, but I was at one time not so long ago and know it can be very difficult trying to communicate with a husband who has... a communication difficulty. I understand completely. It can get lonely if you and he are not communicating very well, especially if he is unaware that he is not communicating very well! I remember being in that 'phase' and I am trying to remember what I did to stop myself getting overwhelmed..... I think prioritising issues helped - work on one thing at a time? Oh and writing a diary kept me sane too... and recognising that I was dealing with complex issues way beyond my experience and needed some help. I think I also remember living life one hour at a time when things were feeling really tough..... Be kind to yourself... it sounds like you are dealing with a lot! Best wishes Delyth

Hi My husband has just been through the diagnostic process. He is 45 yrs. We managed to get funding through the NHS but it took about a year. On our request our GP referred him to NAS Lorna Wing Centre in Kent. The learning disabilities (LD) team agreed to pay for the diagnosis. Our GP put the request to the LD team and they agreed, we didn't apply ourselves directly. Once the centre received confirmation of funding from the LD team, my husband was given an appointment for assessment. We have been chasing funding for counselling support since the diagnosis and have had to go through our PCT Exceptional Treatment panel as the LD team can only fund adults who are unable to live independently. Our GP and practice manager has applied for the funding rather than us. They have been very supportive but it has taken two more years. We are just waiting for final confirmation of funding this week. I think it is possible to apply for funding through the mental health team too - depends on your PCT organisation I think. We decided to go through the NHS because we were a little concerned that relatively able adults with autism, like my husband, who do need support in some areas of their lives even if able to maintain employment, are 'hidden' and there are few services available or being developed for them. But it's not been an easy option... endless bureaucracy! Good luck with your search - the private option has it's appeal! Delyth

Hello Everyone Have been part of this forum for a while but can rarely post due to lack of time and an inability to write quickly! I first came here looking for support after discovering that my hubbie has AS. Nellie (I think she has gone now) was a tremendous help for me - I still thank her - and we are doing ok in our relationship now. Anyway... just to say 'hello' again to all and I hope to participate more frequently, especially in the adult area as none of our children are on the spectrum as far as we know, though they all have 'traits'. Best wishes Delyth

Thanks for this information. I shall pass it on to my husband who might be interested. Best wishes Delyth

Hello Just to let people know that I have been able to organise a venue and regular meeting time for a support group for those adults experiencing difficulties in their relationship where one person is on the spectrum. See: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk for details. Best wishes to all Delyth (Non spectrum, with AS husband)

Hi Karen It's complicated - and I have nothing in writing - but we have had one discussion with the Learning Disabilities team and it seems that they are unclear about who they can actually provide help for. They definitely do support AS adults (it might just be one currently) with severe learning difficulties ie. employment and independent living support needs. Quite what the measure of severity of needs is though, is very unclear. There is no clear statement that indicates a cut off for support entitlement. My partner has full employment and can live independently so isn't a priority as far as the LD team are concerned. It also seems that there are no counsellors with AS qualifications for adults in the borough and my partner needs this. It seems that my partner is the first adult to be diagnosed with AS as an adult within our GP catchment and possibly within this borough so they are fairly new to it all I guess. I do get the feeling that they are trying to help us but have no procedure to follow. Time will tell. That's the best I can answer at the moment - it's all very woolly here! Difficult to get any direct answers. Oh for some clarity!! We have located the Hoffmann Foundation that can offer my partner/us support and will take a referral from the NHS providing they get written confirmation of funding. So we are chasing our PCT for this confirmation. We have no experience of the Hoffmann foundation as an organisation, nor recommendations, but they seem ok - have all the right credentials anyway. Have a look: http://www.hoffmannfoundation.org.uk/ Best Wishes Delyth

Thanks for your replies I will contact PALS and see what they say. I tried their online resource but it wasn't working. Will try again soon. We have heard recently that our referral is waiting for the commissioning officer in Learning Disabilities to confirm that services are not available in our borough and then we can get funding through Exceptional Treatment request for the service that is available in a different area. Bureaucracy at it's finest! Will let you now the outcome.... but it might be a while I suspect. Once again - many thanks Delyth

Hello All My partner (45yrs) was diagnosed AS a year ago and he is still waiting for funding for counselling support. Our local PCT (Tower Hamlets) is not sure which department should be funding it as they haven't experienced this situation before(!) so the referral is being sent from dept to dept. I wondered if there are any adults here who have, or have had, any counselling support funded through NHS and if so, which department of their PCT funds it eg. Mental Health, or Learning Disability Team...or.......any other dept? I can then inform my PCT of the process being used in other local authorities in UK as a guideline for them - no names of individuals of course. Thanks for your help Delyth

Gladysmay - thanks for the pointer. Do you know which particular thread? I can not find the term counsellor in any of the titles. Nellie - Thanks. Found the one and only! Delyth

Hello My partner has recently had a diagnosis of AS and is now looking for a counsellor/therapist who is experienced with AS and takes referrals from the NHS. We live in Tower Hamlets, East London. We have a list from the National Autistic Society but there are not many on this list and none in our area or very near us. We just wondered if any one on this forum has any experience of suitable counsellors for adults in London, and if so would you pass on their name and contact details please. Or does anyone know of any other database that we could search? Thanks for yor help, much appreciated. Delyth

Hello Everyone I first came to this wonderful site over a year ago when my relationship with my partner began to breakdown. We were unable to sort things out and, for a number of reasons (too long a story!), I began to think that my partner might have AS. I haven't really posted much but have visited occasionally and been helped enormously by all the comments in general. My partner (44 years old) has just yesterday been given a diagnosis of AS and I wanted to say a big "thank you" to everyone here - especially Nellie - who helped to keep me sane and strong in the early days of the long and difficult process of discovery. This forum is a great place to learn. It is safe and welcoming and supportive and full of amazing insight. So, a big THANK YOU to everyone. Best Wishes Delyth

Some strategies that are currently helping my daughter in this very difficult area are - Choosing before the game, a safe way and place to express feelings of disappointment/anger in case of losing. Continually interrupting the game process (or TV watching) with reminders/warnings/preparations that losing might happen so she doesn't get carried too far along the "I'm going to win" belief. She doesn't have quite so far to fall so it's not such a bad experience (in theory). Clear consequences for unacceptable behaviour. Playing games produces big chemical changes in the brain and sometimes she is less able to cope with these changes (when feeling under the weather, for example) so, when it all seems too difficult, we avoid them altogether. I used to think games were supposed to be fun... Delyth

Just reading my last post and need to make it clear that I don't think homoeopathy can cure autism in case I misled anyone. It can help restore the body's balance and that process of restoration can then improve some of the related symptoms of autism. These symptoms will come and go with time depending on things happening in a child's development and environment, so homoeopathic treament will be an on going process.

Hello Tracey I have treated all three of my children for all kinds of health issues over the years with homoeopathy. They have never been to see a conventional GP apart from the eldest when she was very little. On this occasion the GP was unable to help and I turned to homoeopathy in an attempt to resolve her dietary allergies. She has no food intolerances now apart from some additives in Indian food. We can live with that one. We have AS in our family and each child has varying degrees of difficulties related to this condition as well as the normal run-of-the-mill stuff. All of their difficulties related to Asperger's have been treated successfully homoeopathically. You would really never know that my 6 year old daughter spent the first 6 months of her life screaming and has had to deal with a number of other difficulties like separation anxiety, food intolerances, sleep disturbances and so on. She is now a confident happy member of her class. Yes, we have ups and downs, but nothing as debilitating as how she began her life. Currently my 16 year old is being treated for her facial tic. I have every confidence in this problem being eventually resolved and am already noticing a quietening down of it. The important thing to remember with homoeopathy is that it is a gentle remedy and can take some time to work. It works on both the physical and emotional levels together. It is a highly skilled process of finding the right remedy as every person will need a different remedy or combination of remedies for a similar problem depending on how they are affected by the problem. it is quite complicated and practitioners study for a number of years before qualifying. There is a society that they should be registered with to give you confidence in your practitioner's ability. http://www.homeopathy-soh.com/ All too often people do not give the process a chance and when they are not immediately better or cured they think that homoeopathy doesn't work and dismiss it outright. Interestingly, most people when using conventional medicene, even simple over-the-counter pain relief, will try some other form of conventional treatment if the first choice doesn't work rather than dismiss conventional medicene completely. In fact, I have known people to persist in finding the right tablets until they find something that works for them. We seem to accept this process within conventional medicene but have different expectations for homoeopathy. In reality it is the same process of finding the right remedy for each individual. I think homoeopathy is also available on the NHS now too. Might be worth talking to your GP about funding for it. Wishing your daughter good health Delyth

Thanks all - I wish he would come to this site. It is a great place and has given me much strength over the past few months just through reading all your stories. Will encourage him again. He misunderstands lots of things (!) and fails to recognose the connections half the time so after one visit here he thought it wasn't appropriate. But that was a while ago, so maybe he could try again. Will try and answer the kiddies as and when they ask questions...they don't really seem to want to know anything more at the moment, I was getting prepared. Having just written that, I am not sure what to make of their lack of questions actually come to think about it... Oh well, more to ponder. Thanks again all Delyth

Thanks Bid and Daisy Your comments are much appreciated. I will be able to take on board some of your suggestions. Thanks for trying - I value your responses. Delyth

Hmmmm.... Looks like I am in the wrong place. Or perhaps I will have to write my own.

Hello We are in the process of discovering all about AS and it's impact on our family as my partner is undergoing diagnosis for the syndrome. Because of our difficulties, he has moved out of our family home for the time being. I can just about manage to explain it to our 16 year old, but am struggling to come up with an appropriate explanation for the younger children - ages 4 and 6. Have avoided it so far but it won't be long before "Mummy and Daddy find it hard to talk" won't be enough. They are bright and caring kids but it all seems too complicated some how with no easy and readily accessible answers. We have yet to tell his parents too, but that's another story. Wondered if there are any helpful anecdotes related to this situation or if anyone has used any good books as general guidance. Thanks Delyth

Thanks everyone - this might explain why it takes my partner ages to decide if he wants a cup of tea when asked. I always wondered what the issue might be or what was going on inside his head prior to answering...now I know and will give him the time he needs. Well, up to a point...

It's a funny thing this - trying to understand where the confusion comes in a relatively straight forward question. I have recently discovered that if I say to my partner, for example, "Why do you think you are worried?" He will reply "I don't know" and that will be the end of the conversation. But if I ask the same question with the word 'MIGHT' in it - "Why might you be worried?" - I will get a comprehensive, insightful reply that explores all the possibilities. Communication eh? We struggle on...it's generally worth it.

Whatever the reason, you are right to be concerned. My eldest daughter plummetted into depression and self harm at a similar age. She resisted all my attempts to 'get to the bottom' of things so all I could do was 'hold her hand' until she found her own way through. 18 months later and I think she has...time will tell. Being aware and sensitive to your son's current emotional state might be as much as you can do. Teenagers are notoriously difficult to relate to. Wishing you well.

Oh Dear - that is such a big worry for you. It might be a good idea to phone the Samaritans? or a MIND helpline where you can talk through the options that are available to you. Hope you get some help.