What do you say?

[shamu]

A couple of incidents over the last few days have got me wondering what people say in similar situations, so I thought I may as well ask

DS is only 3, but is constantly approached by well meaning adults who ask his name/comment on his hair/say hello etc. He hasn't been formally diagnosed but I'm certain he's on the spectrum (ADOS was a disaster....) What do you say or do you just keep quiet? The sort of situations I'm thinking about are ones where you'll probably never see the person again eg on the tube yesterday someone asked him whether he was nice and warm in his cosy scarf and at supermarket checkouts the assisstants always try to chat to him. I'm not sure that it's appropriate to say "oh, he's autistic so sorry he won't talk with you" but my only alternative "oh, he's not very chatty" seems wrong too (DH thinks I should just be straight but then I may have to launch into a full explanation of ASDs with someone who doesn't care/will never see DS again/hasn't got the time etc) So what do you do?

Shamu

[butterfingersbimbo]

how about saying he's shy? that one did well for me in the past.....

[LizK]

Tricky one. Didn't want people thinking he was rude but equally didn't want to divulge tol complete strangers personal medical details about my son. Usually fudged it by 'he's either shy' or 'he has a speech delay' though occasionally have said he's autistic if his behaviour was particularly outrageous, the person was particularly sympathetic or if I wanted to shut someone up who obviosuly thought he was just a badly behaved child.

 

Lx

[JsMum]

Hi if people are been quite interested in your child and your worried about his Autism being mistaken for negative responces, (rude, naughty, lazy ect..) then just casually say he is suspected to have Autism spectrum, a form of Autism.

 

NAS have Autism alert cards as well if he where to be departed from you, with name and number so he can be located easier with understanding of his Autism as well, they also offer book marks with a brife description and these are good to offer to those who would like to know more.

 

if you go to the same supermarket and regularly meeting the same staff a few leaflets are always handy and they may help with your shopping if your son is destress with the sensory difficulties and more understanding at the check out, J is a regular at our supermarket and they support him and me as they understand he has a disability and not meaning to make a den in toilet rolls to trap out the lights and block out the noise.

 

when he creates when I dont want him to take his shoes off, or run around because he has become hyperactive due to increased anxieties they know that he is regulating to his enviorment, and I know some of the staff now and they have children on the spectrum and we share our week so it can be nice to talk to those who do have an understanding.

 

before diagnoses I just use to say he was under assessment for communication difficulties.

 

or at the end of the day you dont have to say anything and just smile

 

I use to do this before I understood what was going on for J but now I dont and I do explain he has a disabilty.

 

JsMum

Edited December 31, 2006 by JsMum

[Bagpuss]

I always try to play it by ear....depending on where I am, and who it is that is trying to engage my youngest in conversation. TBH, and I know this will sound abit mean, I've always been uncomfortable with strangers chatting to our kids, even my ds when he was little, so I probably come across as abit antisocial anyway if I'm stopped in the supermarket etc. I've never explained that our dd's are autistic, but have just smiled and made no comment, or if they say "oh, she's shy"...I just agree or nod my head. Usually the conversations are so brief that it's not really relevant to get into long winded explanations. The neighbours are now completely used to our youngest dd ignoring them, or running in the house if they go past, or if they do manage to come face to face with her, she will turn her head away and look at the pavement. On Xmas day we were walking past one of our neighbours houses as they were coming out, and they tried to chat to our youngest about Xmas....she could hardly bare to look at them and turned her head away, she came across as being incredibly shy.....and one of the neighbours said "Oh, she's getting quieter and quieter"......but so long as I don't feel her behaviour is being perceived as rude, then I don't feel any explanation is necessary.

[Lynden]

Depending on my mood I either say that he's shy, because he always makes a good show of cuddling in and hiding from people, of I say he doesn't talk yet because he's autistic.

 

Lynne x

[Kathrynh]

I have never had a problem with being completely open about my sons problems when he does something strange in public (like pinching a complete strangers bottom ) or not responding when a well meaning person speaks to him. I always say he is autistic and I have never had anything other than kind comments back (plus the ocassional one asking what his special talents are!!). I would hate people to think he was being naughty.

[kinky j]

i have to agree with kathrynh, i tell people c is on the autistic spectrum (he's overly fond of the feeling of tights and has a tendancy to call all girls/women "sexy lady" ) so i find it easier to be honest rather than have people think he's rude.

[MichelleW]

It usually depends on the situation. When J was little I just said he couldn't talk yet. When I knew he was autistic, even before diagnoses, I'd say he was autistic. A lot of elderly shoppers stop to chat to the boys in the supermarket, and I think they are just being friendly, but I don't tend to try to explain to them. It is mainly the shop assistants who come out with "isn't he a lively one" when my eldest sitting in the trolly spinning and shrieking (luckily he doesn't do that any more!) Or when one an assistant tells me J shouldn't be in the trolly, when there are no disabled ones at hand, I explain he is autistic.

 

Most people have listened - but so many people say to me "But he will grow out of it - won't he?"!!!!

 

I had an interesting experience this morning - it was my 2 year old that decided to throw a tantrum and refused to let me put him in the trolly at the entrance to the supermarket. After what seemed like 10 minutes trying, I eventually got him in and an assistant (who also happens to be a neighbour) came over to me and said don't worry what other people might think. My answer was "I don't - with J being autistic nothing phases me now!

[hev]

js mum your supermarket sounds lovely,wish mine was like that.

 

as steven is getting older i cannot say he has special needs/aspergers in front of him as he goes mad but when he was younger i used to tell people he had special needs

[Samsam]

For me its plain and simple, I usually just tell them, I usually say, "He's not being ignorant he's just distracted/not sure as he is autisitic. I leave it at that and then let them think that my child is like Rainman, it gives them something to talk about when they go home, occasionally I go into a shop again after this has happened and I find that the staff remember us and on a few occasions I have been told that my lack of detail inspired them to look further into Autism.

[elun1]

I used to find myself launching into masses of detail about ASD's when my ds was diagnosed at age 2. He's 5 now and I mostly don't do this anymore unless someone appears really interested. Depending on the situation I either say 'he's autistic' or sometimes 'he has special needs' . For anyone who is rude or stares it is now my eldest ds (aged 7 n/t) who tends to say please don't stare at us - he has autism!' I didn't train him to do this but it works a treat!

[jlp]

I used to find myself launching into masses of detail about ASD's when my ds was diagnosed at age 2. He's 5 now and I mostly don't do this anymore unless someone appears really interested. Depending on the situation I either say 'he's autistic' or sometimes 'he has special needs' . For anyone who is rude or stares it is now my eldest ds (aged 7 n/t) who tends to say please don't stare at us - he has autism!' I didn't train him to do this but it works a treat!

That's a good idea! I wish I could train my 3 yr old to do that when G is attracting attention. Actually no, I can just imagine the screams of 'No I haven't!' As the little one gets thumped.

[elun1]

Eldest ds started saying this after reading his copy of 'My brother is different' a really good, short and simple publication by the N.A.S. My youngest ds is at the severe end of spectrum and is unaware of what his brother is saying at the moment - though he'll sometimes echo what he hears which makes it even more bizarre for onlookers!

[Jill]

Mostly I don't say anything - if it's someone we're not going to see again I don't really care.

 

If it's going to cause a problem tho I will say something. Like when we were in a shop the other day & The Boy was lying down on the floor at the bottom of the stairs to the next shopping level & an assistant said to him "that's really dangerous, if someone comes down they may stand on you" and The Boy continued to lay there oblivious. In that situation I walked over and had a quiet word with the assistant - explaining that The Boy was autisitc - more to stop him trying to physically move The Boy (which would have earnt him a slap) than anything. I said I had an eye on him & would move him if it was obvious he was going to be in the way.

 

Sometimes tho I am a little more blunt - in the same shop another assistant was being quite nowty and tutting and said loudly "just as long as he doesn't run into anything & the parents try to sue us" in a loud voice (cos The Boy was running up & down the mostly empty shop it obviously annoyed the assistant for some reason) so I said in an equally loud voice "the only thing we may sue you for is your disability policies, seeing as he has an SLD".

 

In that situation I purposely said "SLD" cos I knew he woudln't have a clue what I was on about but would be too embarrassed to ask. Naughty to try & show him up I suppose, but ti t for tat really.

Edited January 2, 2007 by Jill