routine nightmare!!

[suzy]

[fon

t=Comic Sans Ms]

 

hi everyone im in a bit of a pickle. my sons have been away for the past week with their dad(we are divorced) although i have re married. this break can be very nice and all we do is relax. my problem is that i am unable to get it through to their father that my son needs his routine and he should stick to it for all of our sakes, most of all his twin brother who has to deal with the "acting out" more so than the rest of us. when he returns home his behaviour is awful!! tantrums, very aggressive, verbal abuse and so on. he is nine and usually he is very good as long as he has routine. my husband is finding it very difficult as jack will come out with my daddy lets me do this and that, when we do not let him do certain things as they could be a trigger for his behaviour. now my husband and sons relasonship is suffering! i am in the middle and trying my best to keep the peace, but am afraid that my head is going!!! my husband wants to stop the boys from going to their fathers until he understands. i cannot do this as it is not fair on my other son who truly loves going as does jack, surely this would be unfair. i have shouted, cried and talked to my ex, but every time they go away it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. where i used to enjoy the break i now dread it for fears of arguments when they come home. my husband is a good father and loves the children as they do him, but im worried that even he is not that patient. iI am fed up with being peace maker. how can i find a way round this that will please everyone!!!!!

[smiley]

Hiya Suzy (and welcome! ),

 

I had a similar situation when my son visited his dad - nothing i said or info i gave made any difference unfortunately. I was very lucky in that i had a fab headteacher/class teacher who could tell if M had been to his dads - as his behaviour deteriorated significantly, the head wrote and called my ex several times. It seems having someone outside of the situation gave more clout to what i was saying. I've also passed on the number of my sons pediatrician (lovely lady - great ASD knowledge), who has spoken several times to M's dad.

 

I do feel for you - it sounds like you're stuck in the middle of this battle - can't be much fun for you <'> .

 

Is there anyone outside of the immediate relationships who could speak to you ex??

[Mother in Need]

Suzy, what a horrible situation. I know a little what you're going through, in that my son's father has no clue either. BUT my kids won't be left alone with him, so when they see him I am always there, controlling everything as much as possible (and no, I am not a control freak, but, as you say, otherwise we all pay the brunt before and after the visit). My ex has NEVER read the AS reports on his son (mind you, he won't even read the kids school reports), and for a long time he didnt' even know what the word Asperger's stood for. I got fed up with this, and eventually refused to let him see the boys till he had at least looked it up. It took him two months, but then he did, and at least he is now aware his son is disabled and he needs to give him a little leeway. It's not much, but it is more than before.

 

I don't know if this is an option? If their father really wants to see them, he'll have to do his bit, and the boys shouldn't be too long without seeing him. Maybe give him a book to read, one that you have found particularly helpful, so he'll understand more and adapt his behaviour and get that routine in place?

 

By the way, I don't think you should try to pleease anyone, at this stage you need to keep your relationship alive and yourself sane. Without that, no-one will be pleased with anything...

[suzy]

Hiya Suzy (and welcome! ),

 

I had a similar situation when my son visited his dad - nothing i said or info i gave made any difference unfortunately. I was very lucky in that i had a fab headteacher/class teacher who could tell if M had been to his dads - as his behaviour deteriorated significantly, the head wrote and called my ex several times. It seems having someone outside of the situation gave more clout to what i was saying. I've also passed on the number of my sons pediatrician (lovely lady - great ASD knowledge), who has spoken several times to M's dad.

 

I do feel for you - it sounds like you're stuck in the middle of this battle - can't be much fun for you <'> .

 

Is there anyone outside of the immediate relationships who could speak to you ex??

 

hi, thanks for the advice. talking to the school sounds a good idea. there is no one i can get to talk to him, my mother still loves my ex and wishes we were together, his parents have only ever seen the boys a handful of times(they cannot cope with jack!) the problem is he lives 300 miles away(in the army) and never phones or calls to see how things are. he will E mail the boys or sends txts. but i will talk to my sons headmaster and explain the situation, he is very understanding and as you said his behaviour is very bad in school also when he comes home from dads. maybe he will listen to the professionals!! i dont want to punish him by not seeing his children, because when he has got them he is a wonderful dad and just wants to spoil them! i can understand that but he does not have to put up with it when he goes. then its out of sight out of mind!! thank you will keep you posted!!

[suzy]

Suzy, what a horrible situation. I know a little what you're going through, in that my son's father has no clue either. BUT my kids won't be left alone with him, so when they see him I am always there, controlling everything as much as possible (and no, I am not a control freak, but, as you say, otherwise we all pay the brunt before and after the visit). My ex has NEVER read the AS reports on his son (mind you, he won't even read the kids school reports), and for a long time he didnt' even know what the word Asperger's stood for. I got fed up with this, and eventually refused to let him see the boys till he had at least looked it up. It took him two months, but then he did, and at least he is now aware his son is disabled and he needs to give him a little leeway. It's not much, but it is more than before.

 

I don't know if this is an option? If their father really wants to see them, he'll have to do his bit, and the boys shouldn't be too long without seeing him. Maybe give him a book to read, one that you have found particularly helpful, so he'll understand more and adapt his behaviour and get that routine in place?

 

By the way, I don't think you should try to pleease anyone, at this stage you need to keep your relationship alive and yourself sane. Without that, no-one will be pleased with anything...

 

thank you!! its helps knowing im not the only one in this situation! like you i dont think he really understands that his son has a problem. he has never been to any appointments and there have been plenty!! he never mentions his autism and has an excuse ready when he has acted out. i will give him some books that have helped me and keep my fingers crossed!! thanks for the advice it is all very welcome!!!

[stressedmumto2]

A bit different to my ex then, he turns up at many of the child in need meetings saying his son has no problems when he's with him and that he's just like any other child. Needless to say the amount of times my son just point blankly refuses to go with his dad especially for overnight visits.

 

I've been quite lucky s/s have tried to get him to get more involved and help me more but this is mostly so they can say I am getting help, They have also given us access to an autism specialist who has gone to his home to advise him on the best ways to do things with son, using rewards, visuals etc but it falls on deaf ears as he says he's fine when he's with him so wont do any of it.

 

All I can suggest for you to do is keep informing him of what is happening maybe do visuals/timetable yourself and give them to him, explain to him just how important routine and structure is.

 

Does your son have a home/school book? be great if he did then you could show dad that after a night with him he's less settled at school if the school were prepared to put notes in book that say he's been less settled.

 

I think you and partner need to stay strong together with rules and come up with a plan together. My son often makes the my dad commment but we're dealing with it at the mo' migh be harder as he gets older though.

 

Hope you get some things sorted <'>

[Kazzen161]

My ex also refused to accept that there was anything different about T - even when school, paediatrician and psychiatrist agreed with me.

 

T copes fairly well with having different sets of rules in different houses, but things have been this way since he was 4. I have had problems with trying to get my ex not to let him eat certain things and not stay up too late.

 

Although my ex takes no notice of me, he does take notice of the kids. Would one/both of your sons be able to say to their Dad that they would prefer to do things in a particular way, etc?

 

Aside from that, all my children's behaviour is worse when they return from a week at their Dad's - I think it takes us all a few days to adjust to each other again.

 

Karen

[chriss]

My ex too thinks its a case of "over diagnosis" and all problems with our son especially restricted diet, not sleeping and behavioural problems are all down to my failings as a mother!

 

Quite frankly this gives him an excuse not to help me and to ignore things I say to him such as "he can't bear to be in crowds" or "you need to let him know in advance what you are going to do with him". My son doesn't feel relaxed enough with his dad to let his anxieties show so he has meltdowns when he comes home. My ex sees the fact that our son doesn't kick off in his company as a fine reflection of his parenting skills!

 

Part of the problem is my ex has a lot of asd traits himself and so doesn't recognise them in our child as being a problem. Our son is a real clockwatcher and needs things to happen when they are supposed to. His dad has never been on time in his life and sees no problem with being late to pick up his son. I try to tell him how much this upsets him but he refuses to take responibility. He always has an excuse for being late and thinks we should lighten up.

 

Despite this as our son gets older he is beginning to accept the diagnosis liitle by little. Mainly because our son is doing very well at school. And it might sound selfish but I desperately need the break when they go out together. It sounds to me as if you and your new husband very much deserve to be able to spend some time alone together too. All you can do is keep on at your ex till he gets the message. Perhaps your other sons can try to get through to him too. He has to realise what affect he is having on his own child, by ignoring his disability,as if he truly understood how upsetting a lack of routine is for him then he, like any good dad wouldn't dream of it.

[reuby2]

sending some <'> <'> <'> , Hope you find a workable solution <'>

[stressedmumto2]

My ex too thinks its a case of "over diagnosis" and all problems with our son especially restricted diet, not sleeping and behavioural problems are all down to my failings as a mother!

 

Quite frankly this gives him an excuse not to help me and to ignore things I say to him such as "he can't bear to be in crowds" or "you need to let him know in advance what you are going to do with him". My son doesn't feel relaxed enough with his dad to let his anxieties show so he has meltdowns when he comes home. My ex sees the fact that our son doesn't kick off in his company as a fine reflection of his parenting skills!

 

Sounds so alike to my ex