Bagpuss Report post Posted January 8, 2007 (edited) Took our youngest dd (6 ASD) to the supermarket this morning. We've found if she goes with just one of us, and its relatively quiet she finds it ok. We were walking up one of the aisles, when she suddenly said "he's looking at me, he's looking at me" indicating a young boy stood near us......nothing new there, this happens alot and I've learnt to deal with casually, calm her down, cuddle her and move on without too much fuss. As we continued, we were suddenly confronted by a woman who said "What did he do wrong?".....I was alittle taken aback, and then quickly realised that this lady was the young boy's mum. She appeared to be quite confrontational, and the question wasn't said in a kind, friendly tone....more sort of challenging. I felt really put on the spot, and uncomfortable, and felt I had no option but to offer an explanation "Oh, he did nothing, he just looked at her, she's autistic and finds great difficulty with this" (I never normally explain to peeps in supermarkets about our dd's dx)........she then said "Well, that ok then, I like to ask" and then walked off. I was left feeling really peeved, unsure why, other than I felt her approach had not been with the best intentions, more that she felt her son had been in someway mistreated, and I also felt very unhappy that I'd been placed in a position of having to explain myself and our dd for no reason, nothing untoward had taken place. As she walked off I found myself saying so. She stopped, turned round with a face like thunder, and said that "He is my child, and I wanted to know what had happened, he may of stuck his tongue out at her, and you may not have said anything, and my child has lukeamia (sp?) and I always ask"........I tried to point out that nothing had happened, if it had I would have spoken to her, that I didn't feel to need to explain myself and my child when nothing had occurred. I also felt that her initial approach had been quite hostile, and not done with the view that her son may have stuck his tongue out. We went our separate ways, she was pretty agitated and red, and afterwards I was really unsure if I handled it right. Should I of not challenged her, and just walked away, after giving an explanation? Was she justified to stop me and expect an explanation, when nothing untoward had happened? I also felt confused as to why she made reference to her child having lukeamia...and did not know how to respond. I think had her approach been friendly, then I would of felt and reacted differently.....but it wasn't, I think it riled me, and I bit, albeit calmly, because I felt my dd's behaviour was being challenged, without good reason. Thought I'd put what happened on the forum, because I'd be interested to know if anyone has dealt with other similar incidents and how they deal with them. Thanks <'> Edited January 8, 2007 by Bagpuss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stephanie Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Maybe she just thought her child had been naughty and wanted to reprimand him. I think in our positions we often take things to heart and feel like the victim when we are not. Everyone just wants to protect their child at the end of the day ... and ours need that little bit of extra protection. People in supermarkets are often stressed, I nearly had a fight with an old lady at Christmas because she accused me of ramming her ankles with the trolley (I swear I was a good 4ft away from her). On another occasion a man snapped at my 5 year old son because he didn't move out of the way ... I was going to go down the whole, he's autistic, he's got poor spacial awareness etc etc ... then I thought no lets see it the other way ... it was his fault for being rude, ignorant and crabby, he CAN help the way he acts whereas my son can't. I'm just off to the supermarket now .... wish me luck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Hi I think you should be really proud of yourself for the way you handled things. Clearly, this woman's approach wasn't helpful and made a drama of out nothing - silly woman. She potentially could have made things much worse for your daughter by approaching you both in such a confrontational manner. Perhaps, she's feeling a little embarassed or stupid (if not, she should be!). In situations like this one, there are occasions where I do feel it's necessary to explain that my son has AS. there are lots of people who haven't heard about Autism, or have and don't know what it is. There are of course those who don't want to understand - they aren't worth bothering about! My guess is that perhaps just as we feel very protective towards our ASD children, that perhaps she was being overprotective of her child as he has leukaemia. I think you did brilliantly to be calm and state your side! Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
forbsay Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Hello I think you did really well as well. You should be proud of yourself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted January 8, 2007 I don't think you handled it badly Bagpuss, sounds like you kept your cool in a difficult situation. I do have to feel for the other woman though, it sounds like she's having a terrible day, or week or year! If her child is very ill (and I'm not sure someone would say it if it wasn't true) then she must be feeling desperate about that and is probably at breaking point. I used to have a friend whose little boy was starting to turn into a little bit of a bully. If he ever did anything to my lad, she used to insist that I told her exactly what he had done so that she could reprimand him about it and talk to him about how he should be behaving, so maybe it was something like that with this woman. Anyways, I wouldn't take it at all personally, she might have over-reacted, but we all do that sometimes when we're stressed. <'> <'> <'> ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted January 8, 2007 <'> Thanks all <'> I did wonder afterwards if the incident said more about how she was feeling, than what actually took place. It just one of those times when you wonder afterwards if it would of been better to walk away, than to tackle it head on........ but I've lost count of the amount of times I wished I would of said something afterwards when confronted with a situation I'm unsure of I tend to be on the quiet side, and don't tackle people unless I'm riled. I suppose I should be thankful that she didn't catch me on a usual shopping trip.....when I'm totally deranged.......could of turned nasty Thanks again, it's always great to hear other perspectives Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted January 8, 2007 I wonder if there's a thread on a leukaemia forum somewhere about some 'awful' woman with an autistic daughter? I reckon you did yourself proud BP. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Your probably spot on there TN Can I still come to Newcastle....I promise to be good Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lynden Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Reading that I actually wonder if he has leukemia or if she just kind of said that to counteract you saying your daughter is autistic when she challenged you. It seems a very odd thing to throw in there as it isn't at all relevant.. She sounds like she might have been looking for a fight but obviously there was none to be had so it was her way out. But then again I may be totally wrong and very untrusting LOL I think you handled it well though :-) Lynne x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Your probably spot on there TN Can I still come to Newcastle....I promise to be good As long as we don't all end up going to a supermarket...OK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Reading that I actually wonder if he has leukemia That's exactly what I thought, it seems such an unrelated thing to say??? What's that got to do with the price of fish? As long as we don't all end up going to a supermarket...OK OMG, can you imagine, I've not met a child on the spectrum yet that likes supermarket shopping - it would be a mass meltdown! A niggly part of me thinks wouldn't it be great though? If the autists outnumbered the NT's in a supermarket, so it was the NT's who looked "odd" or "different", calmly going round the shop in an ordered fashion with their trolleys, whilst the kids with autism were the "norm" thrashing about on the floor / swatting things off shelves or, (The Boy's personal favourite) emptying people's trolleys and neatly putting things back on the shelf (he does this when he is feeling calm in the supermarket ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Reading that I actually wonder if he has leukemia ... Lynne x Wonder if the mother actually has Munchausen by Proxy!? Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
krystaltps Report post Posted January 8, 2007 ....and then there's soft-play.... Well done Bagpuss!! I had a similar situation on C's birthday last week. He had asked to go to soft-play, and I didn't have the heart to say no on his birthday. Anyway, he did, of course behave oddly, and shouted and screamed when a toddler touched him ("Don't touch me... I don't know where you've been!!" ). The mother approached like a wild animal. Fair enough, he did give the wee lad a fright, but she was so aggressive I was rather taken-aback. I found myself explaining about C's AS, and hurrying him out of soft-play feeling sheepish. It was only afterwards that I thought I should have spoken to her about the way she treated me. C felt awful and launched into how he wished he was dead and had never "found Aspergers". If she hadn't created a scene, he wouldn't have felt so bad about something that's outwith his control. Anyway, he has requested that he never goes to soft-play again. Suits me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks again for your replies Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
