negativity

[fiorelli]

Anyone else find that their partner (be it husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend) has over time begun to get negative towards the person in the family with AS?

 

Sometimes my husband can be really good, he will talk about how Louis can't/doesn't do this that or the other because of his AS/ADHD, and we will talk about AS/ADHD in general, and ways we can help Louis. If the other boys are at their wits end with Louis, he will explain to them in simple terms what is the matter etc.

 

However, recently (actually since Louis came home in the summer and his problems hit rock bottom), he has become really negative, and will put Louis down. (e.g. this morning, Louis came downstairs, and sat in the Lounge in the dark and quiet. My husband followed him in there and started with 'What are you doing sat in the dark, if you're going to sit in the dark, you may as well do it in your bedroom'.

 

I've tried asking him why he is becoming so negative, and he just says he doesn't know.

 

I know that if he isn't careful, things are going to blow up in the air again, and neither of us want that.

 

How can I help him to stop being so negative? Is my husband the only one like this?

[ellisisamazing]

Perhaps your Husband isn't coping as well as you think. I think maybe he thinks by making comments like he is, that your boy will be encouraged to make changes. Your Hubby sounds confused and upset and maybe doesn't know to admit this. Maybe he thinks in doing so, you'll think he's weak. My Hubby took seven months after our sons diagnosis to accept what was happening. We went to the beach and our son 'didn't get' how to make a sandcastle and my Hubby ended up in tears and admotted he'd felt inferior wanting to admit his upset and fears.

[reuby2]

My Hubby also has been negative lately.I don't know why it is but he snaps at my son if my son starts to shout or reacts at something (such as one of his posters got moved after it fell off the wall, ) whearas I can understand why my son reacts and try to calm the situation, my hubby stands and argues saying something like , don't talk to me like that etc.He gets really stressed at ds.So I know how you feel

[oxgirl]

My hub is really good with our son, but every now and then a comment will slip out during a stressful moment, like 'why can't you just be like a normal person' or something like that. I find it really hurtful on my son's behalf. It isn't often, but every now and then, and I put it down to frustration. Coping with all our sons difficulties obviously puts a strain on, like everyone here, and I think that just every now and then it gets to my hub and he blurts out his feelings, that he wishes things could just be easier sometimes and he wishes our son could cope better with things, but this is just his way of expressing it.

 

~ Mel ~

[ellisisamazing]

I don't want OFFEND anybody here, but I do think that men on the whole do have more difficulty with accepting the diagnosis and facing the future with an AS/ASD Child.

 

Sorry If any of the lovely men here disagree!

 

From my Hubbys point of view, he said that as a typical sport loving man, he had so many dreams of taking his boy to football matches and doing rough boy stuff and he feels that the rug has been pulled from under him. I see him sometimes watching other father/son relationships when we are out and you can see the sadness of what he thought life would be. I always tell him that with time these dreams may become reality. I have really high hopes for our boy, but as long as he is happy that more important than anything else.

 

My Hubby will ask, 'why is he doing that?', and sadly I don't have the answers either. Wish I did!

[ellisisamazing]

I don't want OFFEND anybody here, but I do think that men on the whole do have more difficulty with accepting the diagnosis and facing the future with an AS/ASD Child.

 

Sorry If any of the lovely men here disagree!

 

From my Hubbys point of view, he said that as a typical sport loving man, he had so many dreams of taking his boy to football matches and doing rough boy stuff and he feels that the rug has been pulled from under him. I see him sometimes watching other father/son relationships when we are out and you can see the sadness of what he thought life would be. I always tell him that with time these dreams may become reality. I have really high hopes for our boy, but as long as he is happy that more important than anything else.

 

My Hubby will ask, 'why is he doing that?', and sadly I don't have the answers either. Wish I did!

 

 

What I should have added is that I think men are so conditioned to be strong and BE A MAN as they are growing up so they find it hard to get upset in a crying way, so will sometimes ease their anger or frustrations by verbally lashing out. I totally encourage my DH to show his feelings, but sadly he was brought up in a non hugging, non loving family so finds it quite hard to cry, but I applaud it when does cry, it's good way to release all that pent up emotion. No shame in at all!

Edited January 9, 2007 by ellisisamazing

[MelowMeldrew]

What I should have added is that I think men are so conditioned to be strong and BE A MAN as they are growing up so they find it hard to get upset in a crying way, so will sometimes ease their anger or frustrations by verbally lashing out. I totally encourage my DH to show his feelings, but sadly he was brought up in a non hugging, non loving family so finds it quite hard to cry, but I applaud it when does cry, it's good way to release all that pent up emotion. No shame in at all!

 

Unfortunately with some blokes once they do that, they have difficulty keeping it together afterwards. women cry and accept it as a release and way of coping, that's not how men see it, their image they feel has to be maintained, regardless how inaccurate it is in reality. Women cry, men as a rule don't (At least NOT in view of others). I was brought up that way too.... (I'd be plain embrarrassed if my mates started blubbing and would head for the door, I'd think they lost it). I'll probably keep going myself until I fall over, silly, that's how it is. I think if you do your job right and research there aren't too many surprises. We have different ways of coping, my child is my first and only one, so to me what followed was normal. I just got into it.

[Bagpuss]

My DH can be negative, but I always feel its because he finds it so hard to put into words how he feels. I can sit and talk quite openly to him, but he won't, other than to make generalised comments. He also becomes snappy and abit withdrawn when things are really tough for him, and although he has a particularly stressful job, sometimes he says he feels it's a release, to be able to go to work and completely switch off from what's going on at home. He said negative comments to the kids, but they are in no way meant, and are said at times of sheer frustration. He's a wonderful dad but struggles to come to terms with everything that has taken place within our family over the last three years. Have to add that he would in no way even consider talking about how he's feeling to mates.

Edited January 9, 2007 by Bagpuss

[ellisisamazing]

Unfortunately with some blokes once they do that, they have difficulty keeping it together afterwards. women cry and accept it as a release and way of coping, that's not how men see it, their image they feel has to be maintained, regardless how inaccurate it is in reality. Women cry, men as a rule don't (At least NOT in view of others). I was brought up that way too.... (I'd be plain embrarrassed if my mates started blubbing and would head for the door, I'd think they lost it). I'll probably keep going myself until I fall over, silly, that's how it is. I think if you do your job right and research there aren't too many surprises. We have different ways of coping, my child is my first and only one, so to me what followed was normal. I just got into it.

 

I agree totally with what you're saying, but I still believe it's ok to cry.

 

Our son was our first child and developed fine and fast until age of 15 months then he started to change, But

we had family saying stuff like, 'Little boys are lazy, so don't worry!'.

 

So to us it was kinda normal too, I think we buried our heads in the sand about it, and it was a Singing teacher at a play group sesh who picked up on ' his ways'. We just got on with it too, by then we had another child to care for as well. So we had to just deal with whatever hit us!

Edited January 9, 2007 by ellisisamazing

[Deedee]

My OH although he is generally supportive of our son I feel he still doesn't quite 'get' autism...There are times I find myself reminding him why M does or says the things he does when I feel he of all people should understand.This in turn causes resentment between us (basically I get the 'ump with him )

I do feel a lot of the problem is that I am our son's main carer,appointment maker etc etc he just doesn't get involved,when anyone phones up about M he always passes me the phone telling them my wife deals with all that!!