alan Report post Posted January 16, 2007 hi my names alan and i'm new here. i've recently met a lovely lady and we are starting a new relationship together she has two children , one of which has aspergers.he is 11 i also have a son of my own . getting together has been slow as we have to take into consideration his feelings but this has been no problem. she seems to cope with things very well from what i can see , but from what she tells me she is concerned about what to expect when he becomes a teenager. as i have no experience at all i was also after some advice as to what to expect in general, and would welcome any advice please. to talk to he is a lovely lad and at first i didnt notice anything but as my girlfriend explains things to me they become more apparent. if anyone has any advice for me then i would be very grateful thank you alan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfingersbimbo Report post Posted January 16, 2007 hi alan and welcome! well i'm not sure what to expect either but you never know with autism how it will go....good luck to you and your mrs, i think its really nice that you have found this place for advise! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted January 16, 2007 A warm welcome to the forum Alan, Reading some of the many postings on the forum would be a good way of getting 'the picture' and gaining some understanding. Any questions, just ask. The natives are very friendly and knowledgeable. Nellie xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karen A Report post Posted January 16, 2007 Hi Alan welcome to the forum.The crew here are very well informed and helpful.Our son is 8 so we also have not reached the teenage stage.However there are others here who are there or have been.Regards Karen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted January 16, 2007 WEll done you for making an effort to research this already. I dont mean this to sound patronising and I hope it doesn't. As previous posters have said - you will find a great deal of knowledge and support here from people who live it. Have a good read of the history and ask away - you will always get some answers. Kind regards Phoebe Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
opheila Report post Posted January 17, 2007 hi alan i wonder if it might help by finding a local group in your area or other parents who you can talk to. I dont know what it is like for children with aspergers my son has autism and i know that each parent you talk to can tell you something diffrent about their child. My son gives me eye contact some dont it is really learning as you are going along well it was in my case. How about reading up on aspergers from parents who have written books as well sorry maybe not much help but just thinking back to when i was sure my son was on the autistic spectrum and noone would listen to me. opheila Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alan Report post Posted January 17, 2007 hi thanks for the welcome and i will take all your opinions on board sounds like its just a case of getting in and gettting on with it one issue we do have at the moment is that her son is not into us having a relationship not that it is a case of he dosent like me but more that he dosent want to share her with anyone i have taken a back seat on this issue because we dont want to hurt his feelings or shock him i find gaining his trust is difficult because i just dont know where to start thanks for listenning alan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted January 17, 2007 hi thanks for the welcome and i will take all your opinions on board sounds like its just a case of getting in and gettting on with it one issue we do have at the moment is that her son is not into us having a relationship not that it is a case of he dosent like me but more that he dosent want to share her with anyone i have taken a back seat on this issue because we dont want to hurt his feelings or shock him i find gaining his trust is difficult because i just dont know where to start thanks for listenning alan Hi Alan, Hope you don't find me too patronising (I tend to be though I try not to ...), but having lived a similar family experience I thought of sharing it a little bit with you. My son, now 13, had a stepdad from the age of 5 until he was 11 . My husband (deceased) always felt that my son didn't want to share me with him because my son was very clingy with me , had frequent tantrums, he called me in the night and so on. The truth was that my son needed his stepdad very much but due to his communication problems he couldn't show it like other children, so it was very difficult for him to go to his stepdad and start asking him questions or start a conversation. My husband talked to him only when he felt that things were getting out of control, so his relationship to my son was based mostly on discipline and sadly it didn't go deeper. Perhaps a good way to start to gain his trust would be not to expect too much of him in terms of showing his feelings and to ask him questions about his interests. Try not to react in case he doesn't respond or gets snappy ( I get the same from my son all the time!). It's a good idea to read a book about teenagers with AS. AS children go through the same difficulties, worries and doubts (and rebellions) that all teenagers do, but add to it their difficulties to communicate. Many AS children also feel a lot of anxiety which they don't understand and in fact there can be other situations such as school, that they can't cope well with and which can cause them to act with frustration and anger. Maybe other people have more positive experiences with AS children in a stepfamily and can share some thoughts. I wish you good luck and lots of patience! Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kirstie Report post Posted January 17, 2007 Hi Alan and welcome aboard!! My son with AS is only 7 but i do wonder how he will be during his teenage years too. All i can say is hats off to you mate coming into a family and new relationship isn't easy for any stepparent but when it includes a child with differences it's very hard and i think you are taking a great approach and a very laid back one which is the best way right now. My now husband and i got together when my son was 2 and his behaviours were at their worst but he stayed (not sure if i could've if i'm being totally honest) and was the calm one of the two of us i have to say. He didn't push for my son's affections and took it in his stride that such things as shows of emotion were hard for my boy and hugs etc had to be on his terms, but the rewards are amazing and my boy adores his stepdad and they have a fab relationship, great pals. I think it's not unusual for ANY child to have the feelings that your stepson has right now in not wanting to share their mother, especially if they've had her to themself for a long time so try not to be disenheartened it will take time. But just stay calm and do what you're doing and he will see he has nothing to worry about regarding you taking their Mum from them. You're totally on the right track and it's obvious you care, so patience and time...... All the best i hope it works out for all of you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
badonkadonk Report post Posted January 18, 2007 Hi Alan, Welcome to the forum! Just wanted to echo everyone else's thoughts really....understanding is key not only for you and your partner but for her son and the other children in the family as well. Getting your partner's son to try and read more about AS and things like that depends on how he views the diagnosis of AS so if he's reluctant to address the issue then perhaps just leave books lying around the house or print off articles from the internet. Or bookmark some sites if he likes to use the computer and then he can choose whether or not to click on the link. Having gone through my teenage years undiagnosed, looking back now it is easier to see what things I would have had change in order to make things easier. Understanding of AS being the big point but also understanding of my behaviour at times as well. AS kids tend to get labelled as being naughty kids because often they experience things which can lead to a 'meltdown'. Because AS traits are somewhat more invisible than Autistic traits (or those further along the Autistic spectrum) the tendancy is to view acting out behaviour as being that of a naughty child without stopping to think and see what might be causing this behaviour. A variety of things can cause meltdowns and I'm sure by reading around on this site you will come across many examples. The biggest problem that ASD kids have is that when they experience frustration, anxiety and anger they, as of yet, don't know any other way to get these feelings out other than in a negative manner. Often the meltdown point is reached because ASD kids are unaware of things that are triggering these responses and so cannot address all the little things that cause this big build up, but instead become more frustrated because they know they are getting angry/agitated and yet they don't know why. By understanding more about their traits/differences and accepting the fact that they are different (and as such shouldn't be expected to behave/think/live their lives like most kids) can help not only reduce the impact the triggers have but also give them an understanding of their own self so that they can begin to recognise changes in themselves and what they need to do to get these frustrations out (in a positive way if possible) so that meltdown isn't reached. I.e. instead of getting so frustrated that they end up kicking hell out of something/someone, they tell someone when they are feeling bad or if something is bothering them or write it down/draw a picture. Sometimes if I get angsty I jump up and down and run on the spot for a bit to get the negativity out. It requires effort by the kid to recognise and react whenever something bothers them, and understanding and patience by the parent to listen and not dismiss the problem that is bothering the child (no matter how little) but in the long term it is better than endless meltdowns and confusion. Some examples of triggers can include the following: new/strange environments, sensory overload issues (repetitive noises, bright lights, hot or cold temperatures, lots of people talking etc). Changes in routine, not understanding why something is happening or why they have to do something, hunger or thirst, skin sensitivity, a lack of organisation in their life (don't know what's coming next, feel in a muddle because their tasks/things that they need aren't organised). Those are a few things but the list is never ending and is entirely different for each child with ASDs. Another thing that you could benefit from trying to understand (apologies if you are already firmly in this line of thinking) is to remember that Aspergers really doesn't exist as something whole. It isn't something you get, pick up, get infected with. It's not something you have inside you, there is no mass or one thing that if you took out would mean that the AS went away. Essentially I don't have Aspergers, I am Aspergers and there is a big difference between the two. Aspergers is just the name given to the list of traits that are common in some people. Just as some people are born blonde and some brunette, so some are born neurotypical and some Autistic/Aspergers. The difference can't be dimissed as easily as the difference between being blonde and brunette but in terms of how it affects another person's status as a human being, it should have little effect. I am no better than you, you are no better than me. Being Aspergers does not make me defecient in anyway, it just makes me different and better at things that most people find difficult, and not so good at things that most people find easy. Getting to grips with Aspergers in this way I find makes it easier to adjust to and understand. People make adjustments for me when around me (like trying to resist the urge to tap their foot or something similar if I'm watching the tv with them) just like they make adaptations for my grandad when speaking to him by literally shouting at him because he's practically deaf. Don't get me wrong I'm not likening being Aspergers to being hard of hearing but the little adjustments and ways in which we can understand and take into account are similar. It's just that Aspergers/ASD kids need alot more adjustments and understanding. Try to approach AS positively and, while not pandering to your partner's child's every wish and want, do try to take his differences into account and be more understanding. In regards to your relationship with your partner it could be his resistance to change which is the major factor. Having a new person around all the time when he had his mum to himself is a big deal, it will take time for most kids but her son is having to learn a whole new set of routines that include you so give him time. He may also not know how to approach you and get to know you and he might be misinterpreting your body language if he is already viewing you as a negative thing that has happened. Try not to show anger or any negative emotion to him for the time being without going OTT and letting him get away with murder. Try to reinforce positives and perhaps set one evening aside a week/few hours at a weekend where you spend time together as a trio and do something where you can get to know each other better like playing a board game or similar. I know it will be hard with other kids but you can try to make this easier by explaining the differences he has and how him adjusting to you and your son being around will take longer and have to be achieved in different ways to most. The fact that you are on here seeking answers is a big step in the right direction. I know a lot of the advice comes with the word 'try' but it really is important because you have to 'try' to do these things and not expect to get them right first time and all the time. Nobody is an expert in raising children altogether because each child is different. Raising an AS/ASD child presents a whole new set of challenges and there really are no concrete rules for this kinda stuff because again everyone is different. There's just a whole load of advice for you to 'try', support when things don't go to plan and positive thinking here and it's fab! Hope you stick around and that this essay of a post has helped somewhat. I have a tendancy to drone on forever but I'm lucky cos I get to blame it on being Aspergers Emily xxx p.s. it might also be worth trying to explain your relationship with his mum to him. If she has been married before it might be making things worse because he might not really understand what a marriage is and how his mum can be with someone else now. We have a tendancy to take things literally and the whole "till death do us part thing" can be confusing especially when your parents (seemingly) split up for no reason and then someone else comes along and sticks around. Try explaining love and relationships and how being in love can lead to people living together and what not. It's a big old can of worms to open up and you will no doubt have endless "but why?" questions. It's also something that perhaps your partner should tackle first, bringing you in on the discussions once he understands why things aren't like they used to be anymore. But you defo need to be included and try to make him understand how much you love his mum and in turn love him and want the best for everyone. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted January 18, 2007 A suggestion of a couple of books to help understand AS and teenagers... Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome: A User Guide to Adolescence Martian in the Playground: Understanding the Schoolchild with Asperger's Syndrome Asperger Syndrome, the Universe and Everything Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BusyLizzie100 Report post Posted January 18, 2007 I can't really add much to the excellent advice here already, except to say I think it's great that you're making an effort to understand AS. Your best source of info is very definately your partner - she probably knows her son better than anyone. Another fantastic book about AS is called The Complete Guide To Asperger Syndrome, by Tony Attwood. It's recently published and explains AS brilliantly, it's also pretty easy reading. Even if you don't get through all of it, it's worth dipping in to read a chapter every now and then. I think it's been said already, but no two people with AS are the same, so it helps to bear that in mind when researching AS. All the best Lizzie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dooday24 Report post Posted January 18, 2007 welcome to the forum hope u find wat yr looking 4 these people hav helped me so much dont know wat id do without them lv donnax Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alan Report post Posted January 19, 2007 thank you everyone you have been a great help and i lookforward to receiving your advice again and as time goes by to be able to offer some advice to all of you who have congratulated me on my interest in this subject, thank you very much, but im doin nothing exceptional here, everybody deserves time and interest from others thank you all again alan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
