It's all just too much for me

[curra]

Just when I was looking forward so much to the NAS Help seminar about anger management and had everything ready to go, my DS said this morning that he has tummy ache and can't go to school! There doesn't seem to be any sign of illness apart from him not wanting to get out of his bed. I can't treat this as typical teen not wanting to go to school, I've done it before and his anxiety gets out of control. Last night he was fine, eating and watching a DVD, now he's sick and it's all because deep down he's not happy that I would go to the seminar. I just can't take this any longer. My son seems to have too much control over my life. I 've lost realtionship, job, friends, opportunities caring for him on my own. It just feels like too much now that he's growing and becoming more and more manipulative. When he wants something, he doesn't only tantrum until he gets it, he also belittles and hurts me. He doesn't show love or concern for anyone. I have no respite and no one I can call in an emergency to ask them to look after him while I have to go out. He hates going out, so apart from the time that he's at school, I'm completely stuck in the flat with my son who is constantly angry at me. I keep telling myself that things will get better and I have to keep my chin up but it is getting harder and harder as I am near retiring age and I don't feel so strong anymore. I just don't know what else to do.

 

Sorry for the rant but I'm so frustrated and so down trying to cope.

 

Curra

[LittleRae]

Hi Curra

 

<'> <'>

 

Don't have any real advice to offer, just didn't want to pass your post by and say nothing. I think if things like this have a reaction from your son, I wouldn't tell him about them. If it's not too late for the seminar, would you think of saying you'd had a call to say it was cancelled? I know it's not recommended to lie to children, but you cannot let him control your life like this. As you say, he's becoming manipulative and if you allow it to happen, you will become more resentful of him and eventually find it difficult to climb out of the situation.

 

It's one thing when we have to make extra allowances for when our kids can't cope, but this doesn't sound like that kind of situation.

 

The course will help you deal with this kind of thing - you must go if you can at all.

 

<'> <'>

 

Good luck

 

A

Edited March 22, 2007 by LittleRae

[oxgirl]

Oh, Curra, wish I lived nearer, I'd come and give you a big hug. <'> <'> <'>

So sorry you feel so trapped, it must be so frustrating for you.

What does your son like to do?? Is there something that you could enjoy together while you're stuck in the flat, take up a new hobby together, cooking, or airfix models or decorating or something, or does he just like to do his own thing?? It's so horrible when you feel you can't do a thing right and you're getting all the blame.

I agree with, LittleRae though, next time if you're going out somewhere or planned something, don't tell him and then he won't be able to try and stop you going.

 

Have you thought about going to the doctor and asking for some support for yourself, counselling or something, it sounds like you really need someone to talk to. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Alexandra]

Oh hun just read your post and although

 

i've no real advice, I just wanted to send you a (((((((((hug))))))))),

 

and let you know I'm thinking about you xxxxx

[cmuir]

Hi Curra

 

A good rant can be therapeutic, so you've come to right place!

 

I know I've felt how you're feeling once or twice! There's two things that I've learnt not to do; to look back and have regrets and to look too far forward. Take one day at a time. Like is s**t sometimes and I often wonder why some people seem sail through like and others seem to have one thing after another to deal with. It's something that's not going to go away and we have to get on with it. It's damn hard!

 

Despite the fact that my son is a tricky little character I love him dearly and that's what keeps me going. When he's screaming at me that he wishes I was dead, or that he didn't have a mummy (he's 5 by the way), wants to punch me in the face or stab me, etc, I have to remind myself that although he's can be very aggressive, he can't help it and has no real understanding of what he's saying. One thing that I have noticed is that if I give him an inch, he'll take a mile and I have to be really firm even if it means him screeching for an hour! I developed the skill of 'switching off' and that's what keeps me sane. I've found that if I engage Robert in conversation, have eye contact, etc that seems to make things much worse. For us, withdrawing attention and simply forewarning him that if he continues then I will not speak to him until he's calm. Easier said than done sometimes.

 

I know it's hard when there's things that you can't do, relationships that don't last, etc and that's something that sadly will probably continue throughout life. However, the relationships that haven't last weren't worth it. If they were strong and decent people who really cared, they'd still be around. I've been lucky and found a real gem of a person. She's someone who has helped us through some very difficult times in a professional capacity. I know she's gone over and above the call of duty on numerous occasions to help us. She's actually more of a friend (despite still being professional). This forum has been a godsend and it's truly been a lifeline to me.

 

I really hope things get better for you.

 

Caroline.

[curra]

I wasn't going to tell him, he found the leaflet in my bedroom last night and as I moved his afterschool art lesson from yesterday to today, he figured it out by himself. Next time (if there is a next Help seminar on anger management) I will have to be more careful.

 

LittleRae, unfortunately it's too late to go now. The seminar is in PLymouth and I have to drive 2 hours to get there. He can't stay alone because he can't do much for himself in the kitchen and could even hurt himself. He also gets very anxious when Im away for more than an hour and he starts phoning me every 5 min to say that he's not well. I'm more calm now and less resentful, he has only me and the price I've paid in terms of giving up a good job, etc has been because he needs more than an NT child. This is unfortunately the result of having no support from his father and other family members, - as he has only his Mum he tries to have total control of me because he's very insecure and he has become too self-centered.

 

Mel, I wish you live closer too <'> I have counselling, it helps a lot, I really don't know what I'd do without it! I used to do lots of things with him when he was younger, like games, reading, building things, cooking . But suddenly he changed and now he wants to be alone all the time. I'm also waiting for an appointment with the child psychologist so that he can helped from that side.

 

Thank you Both for your replies <'> <'> !!

 

(I've just talked to the NAS and they'll send me the info given out at the seminar )

 

Curra

[smiley]

<'> <'>

 

Please don't forget (i know i need a kick up the bum every now and then! ).....

YOU need to be strong, happy and healthy in order to care for him.. Take care of you too ok <'> <'>

[curra]

Oh hun just read your post and although

 

i've no real advice, I just wanted to send you a (((((((((hug))))))))),

 

and let you know I'm thinking about you xxxxx

 

 

Thanks, Alexandra, <'>

It helps a lot to know that there are people who understand.

 

Curra

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Curra don't know what else I can add that the others have not already said. Just remember you have us all here and you rant away as much as you want. I really do feel for you, I understand what you say about trying to judge if they are being manipulative, my DS is also very anxious and at the moment is off school again, I get that trapped feeling as his demands on me are so great and I find it so over whelming.

I am so sorry you are not unable to go to the seminar.

Take care and keep posting on here, though it does not always solve a problem I certainly find talking about it make me feel a bit better.

Clare x

[aawmum]

I think people with autism can certainly manipulate us, I know my son does, and my mother said it's because you don't allow him to ever get hurt or feel pain.

 

She is right really - we feel all the upset and pain but we panic if they do. You know how their anxiety levels get really bad, well maybe sometimes we have to let them. Ours certainly do!!!

 

He may get very anxious but he won't die from it.

 

The reason I am saying this, is because it's always easier to tell someone else and sort out their problems.

I am just the same as you. do we over panic about everything? <'>

[curra]

Thanks, Caroline,

I had a good and now I'm feeling better thanks to the people in this forum <'> <'> It's really therapeutic!

I try all the time not to look back, I agree with you that it's not the healthiest thing to do. I just felt so trapped and helpless suddenly, but I'm back to being myself, because M needs me to be strong. Life was never fair, but there must be a purpose for everything, so that there must be always something positive even in the most difficult things.

My son was not very aggressive when he was your little boy's age. He started to be so when he was about 9 or 10 and it got really bad when he turned 13. Being firm with him is extremely difficult because he destroys things, attacks me or what is even worse, threatens to harm himself. I can reason with him after the tantrum and he can also accept a sanction for his misbehaviour. It's hard to tell with him how much he understands his aggressive conduct. His stepfather couldn't cope with him, teachers and doctors have frequently said that he's very bright and knows exactly what he's doing. I've been for years defending him because I know that although he is manipulative he' s really not aware of what he causes other people. You're right, the relationship with his stepdad is not worth regretting, it caused my son a lot of emotional damage. It's just that I'm usually OK struggling on my own, it's hard at times to be alone. You are lucky to have found a good friend who helps you. I have one too, but she lives many miles away ...

 

 

<'> <'>

Curra

[curra]

<'> <'>

 

Please don't forget (i know i need a kick up the bum every now and then! ).....

YOU need to be strong, happy and healthy in order to care for him.. Take care of you too ok <'> <'>

 

 

Thanks, Smiley,

 

I'll remember it and I'll start right now, so I'll get a tea and biscuits and leave my diet for tomorrow

 

Curra

[curra]

Clare, It must be hard for you too, our children's demands can be so overwhelming at times. I hope that you can get help from someone when your son is off school.

 

Aawmum,

I think that realtives tend to see it that way because they don't live all the time with our children. If they saw how much pain our kids go through when they are stressed they would be more likely to understand that we protect them from more anxiety. M has been through so much stress in the past that when he was 12, he was planning his suicide in detail and that was not manipulation. Today he's just being "clever", he was able to make me stay at home, but I wonder how much does he really know of what he's doing? I'm not so sure

 

Thanks to Both of you for your replies. I feel so much better now ! <'> <'>

 

Curra XX

[morgan and alexandra]

Clare, It must be hard for you too, our children's demands can be so overwhelming at times. I hope that you can get help from someone when your son is off school.

 

Aawmum,

I think that realtives tend to see it that way because they don't live all the time with our children. If they saw how much pain our kids go through when they are stressed they would be more likely to understand that we protect them from more anxiety. M has been through so much stress in the past that when he was 12, he was planning his suicide in detail and that was not manipulation. Today he's just being "clever", he was able to make me stay at home, but I wonder how much does he really know of what he's doing? I'm not so sure

 

Thanks to Both of you for your replies. I feel so much better now ! <'> <'>

 

Curra XX

 

Hi

 

My daughter is awaiting dx of ? AS/ADHD at the moment. She is 7 and last year she has spoken of killing herself because she has no friends and no one understands her. All I could do was try and reassure her that we love her dearly. I have had to give up my job as the school although have said they think my little girl has AS, don't seem willing to want to help her. I'm lucky, our consultant is going into the school as she so fed up with them being so inconsistant.

 

I dont feel that my daughter is being manipulative when she says that she wants to kill herself and it does go in phases so as i say all I can do is just be there for her and try and reassure her. Its soul destroying isn't it?

[Deedee]

Hi Curra so pleased NAS are able to send you the info instead,with my befuddled brain it tends to sink in more when I read things This sort of thing always happens to me,last MRI with middley son was just going out the door with him & M and he then decided he was going nowhere...Missed an appointment we had waited for 3 months for I now tend to 'book' my mum in to cover for any and every appointment..just in case.Have you anyone who you could call on,on the quiet of course to be around if there is another important meeting?

[curra]

Hi Curra so pleased NAS are able to send you the info instead,with my befuddled brain it tends to sink in more when I read things This sort of thing always happens to me,last MRI with middley son was just going out the door with him & M and he then decided he was going nowhere...Missed an appointment we had waited for 3 months for I now tend to 'book' my mum in to cover for any and every appointment..just in case.Have you anyone who you could call on,on the quiet of course to be around if there is another important meeting?

 

 

Deedee, I wish my Mum was in good health, she used to help me a lot when M was a toddler, but she can't anymore since she had a stroke. Can't think of anyone who would babysit for half a day. I'll ask at my support group.

I got some info from the NAS in an email - that was quick!

 

Curra XX

[curra]

Hi

 

My daughter is awaiting dx of ? AS/ADHD at the moment. She is 7 and last year she has spoken of killing herself because she has no friends and no one understands her. All I could do was try and reassure her that we love her dearly. I have had to give up my job as the school although have said they think my little girl has AS, don't seem willing to want to help her. I'm lucky, our consultant is going into the school as she so fed up with them being so inconsistant.

 

I dont feel that my daughter is being manipulative when she says that she wants to kill herself and it does go in phases so as i say all I can do is just be there for her and try and reassure her. Its soul destroying isn't it?

 

Morgan and Alexandra, Sorry you also had to give up your job. When children talk about killing themselves it's a serious thing and even if they don't really mean it, it's a sign of distress. I hope your little daughter is better now!

 

Curra

[Bagpuss]

Curra <'> <'>

 

I'm shattered and I have DH helping lots...so can't imagine how it must be to be coping alone Try to take good care of yourself too hun and wish I could do/say more <'> <'>

[aawmum]

I really feel for you. People just don't know the half of it, do they? <'>

[butterfingersbimbo]

aw chic! sending you a big hug <'> it just all gets claustrophobic sometimes doesnt it!!!!

 

the behaviour and inclusion team sent a lovely woman round to mine every week to work on anger management with el. they didnt think that it was worth doing out of the home as they felt that el would only use the techniques in outside situations....but as it happened, el was completely unable to deal with her anger problems, it was far too raw for her and ended up stressing her out in a big way.

 

the psyche ended up prescribing meds for el's stress levels and this was the only thing that has worked....now that her stress levels are much lower ( ) she is more able to cope with everyday life....and the odd change in routine here and there.

 

i hope that the info is helpful to you and your son, i found el's violence one of the hardest things to cope with, especially when you are on your own with them. <'>

[curra]

Thanks Bagpuss and Butterfingersbimbo <'> <'> <'> Yep, it's hard to cope when you're alone.

Things are better today, M went to school (his tummy ache was imaginary) and I relaxed a bit last evening watching Borat. (It was too rude and hilarious ).

 

Curra

[JsMum]

Hi the manipulation and control issue is something that I find hard to deal with in Js disabilties and a lot of time is spent on trying to comprimise and help him deal with the overwhelming feelings when the control has been lost on his part, his anxieties are hightened when he cant control a situation and other things he wants.

 

I would look into some form of anxiety management and see if this could help him manage his manipulative and controlling behaviour.

 

It may be he needs specific councilling to help him deal with the reasons he needs to manipulate, as a lot of it will be to try and deviate the actual task he is espected to do and the anxieties around it are just too overwhelming so he trys to avoid the situation using anything he can including manipulation and trying to take back the control.

 

JsMum

[curra]

Hi the manipulation and control issue is something that I find hard to deal with in Js disabilties and a lot of time is spent on trying to comprimise and help him deal with the overwhelming feelings when the control has been lost on his part, his anxieties are hightened when he cant control a situation and other things he wants.

 

I would look into some form of anxiety management and see if this could help him manage his manipulative and controlling behaviour.

 

It may be he needs specific councilling to help him deal with the reasons he needs to manipulate, as a lot of it will be to try and deviate the actual task he is espected to do and the anxieties around it are just too overwhelming so he trys to avoid the situation using anything he can including manipulation and trying to take back the control.

 

JsMum

 

 

Hi JsMum,

You're spot on! Finding the reasons why my son needs to manipulate is necessary to tackle it. Cahms and counselling so far have not paid much attention to it as they have concentrated more on changing his behaviour without looking more deeply. I'll try to insist on this. M has very little (or no) control over his anger and manipulation of others and he can't see also the effect that it has on me and other people.

Thanks for your advice <'> I couldn't reply before because I was having a technie problem

 

Cheers

 

Curra