I need advice/experiences

[darky]

Hi guys, a tricky one here bear with me. my daughter is dx Atypical autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia.

she is statemented for 32 hours a week full one to one in mainstream.

 

my daughter has been crying at school and making up all sorts of reasons why, one of which her dog died, he didnt!! i think she has trouble verbalising to the teachers or lsa whats wrong.

 

shes complaining frequently to me that other children are "staring" at her and it "hurts her nerves and feelings" its her perception thats the problem, the children are not staring at her, they are just looking thats all like kids do, like everyone does. she says "why do they stare at me, i dont stare at them, it annoys me and makes me upset"

 

the OT recommended the use of a screen to cut down visual distractions and to help filter out some background noise as part of Sensory therapy. Its also in her statement that one should be available to her. i think this would help her.

 

Problem is, her teacher does not agree. the teacher feels it would isolate her and she has to get used to people looking at her and to continue working on a table with her peers. she told me they have no screen and she would have to sit facing a wall with a curtain round her, which she does not want to do. she said it would also make her stand out that comment annoyed me really, shes not got something thats catching or some dirty little secret they must keep from the other kids!!

 

im really cross about this. im thinking there is another reason they dont want her screened and that is because her LSA would have to sit with her and not on the table with the other children. my daughter already tells me her lsa helps other kids, and i would not have a problem with that except her statement says "full one to one throught the whole school day"

 

does anyone else have a child who finds it hard when people "look" at them? if so, what do you do about it? what is the problem with being looked at? is it an eye contact thing?

 

also, am i wrong for wanting my daughter screened off so she does not feel intimidated? or should she live with it and get used to it?? could it set her back socially?

[bid]

The use of screens is pretty common in special schools...don't know if that helps at all

 

At my son's special school for AS, each pupil had a screened off work station, and they ran round the outside of the room. In the middle was a table for any group work, etc.

 

If it is in her Statement, the school has to implement it, surely?

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

Edited March 30, 2007 by bid

[Alexandra]

Hi, M hates being looked at when he eats,

 

he can't tell us why, but nobody is looking at him

 

we're all just getting on with the job of eating

 

he's ok with immediate family

 

but if we have visitors he'll eat in the kitchen,

 

he won't eat anything in front of strangers

 

not even sweets etc,sorry not a lot of help am I,LOL

[baddad]

Hi darky -

 

Feeling 'looked at' could be something similar to the problems other ASD children have with making eye contact - basically it makes them feel exposed and vulnerable and is very ('painful' in its own way) uncomfortable for them... There's probably a smidgen of sense to the teachers suggestion that she has to 'get used to it' - in that it will be better for her if she can develop some strategies to overcome it/diminish the intensity of the effect, but there's a huge difference in helping someone to overcome a problem (which is what the teacher should be trying to do) and forcing someone against their will...

If a screen is on her statement, then the school should be working to that, and if the school janitor/handyman isn't up to the task of fixing a batten to a wall I'm sure there's a local chippy who could do the job at a reasonable price!

A 'screen' does not have to be an enclosure - it is just something that goes either side of a workstation against a wall to minimise distractions within peripheral vision.

It sounds as though you've got a really solid statement to work with, so just ask the school to deliver on it and if they can't/don't want to to tell you the reasons behind that. You can then decide how you want to respond to that. In real terms, the teachers opinion doesn't matter - the statement was drawn up on the basis of far stronger professional evidence than hers! Probably best to be 'diplomatic' about how you point that out, though!

As for her 'standing out' - schools should respond to our children's needs, not normalise them. If that means adaptations of any sort, they should work to make sure that the differentiation is done in the most positive way possible, and that the peer group are encouraged/supported/taught not to make value judgements about that differentiation. Our kids do stand out, 'cos they are different. Most of the problems they have, though, arise because of the responses to those differences, not because of the differences themselves...

 

L&P

BD

 

BTW - if your avvy is your daughter she's adorable! <'>

[darky]

thank you, <'> yes the avvy is my girl i did wonder if it was eye contact thing. i dont know as she does not express herself well, we get spippets thats about it. i wish i knew how to help her without trying to read her mind all the time or trying to think for her . its not easy is it?

[Mumble]

Hi Darky,

 

I wanted to reply from two perspectives - as an AS adult and as a primary school teacher:

 

Firstly, as an AS adult (I was only diagnosed earlier this year, but the difficulties have been lifelong) - I hate the feeling of being looked at - it's probably difficult for others to understand how something that isn't physically painful (as Baddad says) can actually be so torturous - I think your daughter's description of 'hurting her nerves and feelings' is excellent . Basically, for me at least, if someone is looking at me, or I think they are looking at me, when they want me to comment on something I find it very difficult to organise my thoughts and I am very very anxious about saying anything. I have a wonderful lecturer at university now who is trying to understand me and my AS and support me - he doesn't expect or require eye contact from me and when he asks me something he doesn't look at me whilst I'm formulating my answer - it is amazing what a difference such a small change makes and it doesn't cost anything . I do get distracted easily, particularly by other people, and when I have to study in more communal areas like the library I always choose to sit where the study areas are marked off individually with screens (I think they have some proper name!!) - this means I'm not distracted, I don't have to worry that someone might try to make converstation or ask me something and importantly for me that no-one will upset my organisation of my space. Additionally, the screens, in the way they are constructed, block out some of the light, particularly where the flourescent lights bounce of the desk tops, and so make my sensory issues a bit easier to manage.

 

As for the crying at school, I think you may well be right about the difficulties in verbalising what is wrong. I was often in tears at school (I was in mainstream) and found it very difficult (I still do) to explain what was wrong - either I just simply didn't have the words or it would seem trivial and something that the other children didn't get upset over - and I quickly learn that if I told the teacher the real problem ('Johnny touched my blue pencil and it's no longer parallel with the green one' - or whatever was upsetting me often because it had taken away my attempts at 'coherence' or if I was having sensory problems) I would be laughed at both by the teacher and the other children and told what a baby I was. I didn't make up other stories and just tended to cry without saying anything (I've always had a huge problem with anything I think of as lying) but I can see that this would possibly be a strategy someone might use.

 

Now as a teacher (but probably as a biased AS teacher who has gotten into all sorts of trouble because I have a too strong sense of justice!!) - yes it might help if your daughter can become used to being looked at, but such desensitization does not occur from being thrust into an uncomfortable situation - this has to be a carefully managed programme responding to the individual's needs - it is exactly as Baddad says - responding to needs, not normalising (oh why can't more people be so understanding?? ) . I don't want to make light of this, but a simple analagy would be: If a child can't swim you wouldn't throw them into the deep end and hope they get used to it - you would introduce them in the shallow end, in a sheltered environment with whatever human or other resources were needed to support their needs.

 

I don't know what other pressures are on this teacher LSA-wise, what other needs she is working with etc. It is always tempting to spread the support around, but if it's in the statement that support is one-to-one then that is what it should be. If there are other children that need support then that needs to be addressed, but it should not be at your daughter's expense and is something for the school to worry about, not you. This may be why the teacher doesn't want a screen. Would it not be possible (this was done in another class in a school I taught in) for an individual screened workstation to be set up for individual work and when your daughter needs a bit of time to 'chill-out' but for her also to retain her seat in the group to be used as and when appropriate/she can cope with it? That way she has the distraction-reduced area so she can get on academically but also has a group area (with support) where she can watch others and be supported in developing group working skills? Will a screen set her back socially - no, not in my opinion. If it allows her to get on with her work without feeling intimidated she is more likely to feel that she is achieving in line with her peers. Also, although in most primary schools pupils sit in groups, there is actually very little groupwork that actually takes place, so I don't think it would make much difference academically. She will still be developing social skills with her LSA at other times during the day (does she have her LSA at breaktimes for instance?). In fact, by using a screen and taking away that pressure to conform socially and the distractions that come along with this, she may be calmer and so function better in group situations.

 

As to her peers - I actually don't subscribe to the 'kids can be really cruel' argument - it's just my opinion, but they have to learn it from somewhere (society). They can be cruel, but the predudices fueling such cruelty had to come from somewhere, and these need to be addressed, rather than brushing it off as 'well kids say/do that sort of thing'. And in the same way that the teacher should be helping the class to learn academically, she should also be helping them to confront prejudices and to be accepting of difference. I have found in the past that talking to the class about a child's differences (with the parents' agreement) makes a huge difference - often they are very curious about why x behaves in a particular way but are also very accommodating to help and support once they know. I can't agree strongly enough with what Baddad says:

 

they should work to make sure that the differentiation is done in the most positive way possible, and that the peer group are encouraged/supported/taught not to make value judgements about that differentiation. Our kids do stand out, 'cos they are different. Most of the problems they have, though, arise because of the responses to those differences, not because of the differences themselves...

 

I do hope that you can reach some solution that works both for your daughter (most importantly) and the teacher/school (who might need 'persuasion' to do things a little differently!).

 

Mumble.

[Clare63]

Darky,

My son too hates the feeling of people looking at him, won't put his hand up at school because he says all the other children turn to look at him etc., Thank you Mumble for your very comprehensive reply, it describes well how my son seems to feel, thank you for sharing your expereince and knowledge with the forum it is most valuable.

Clare x

[darky]

Mumble, thank you SO much for your reply. It makes lots of sense to me. Its wonderful to read your perspective, i am always so conscious of trying NOT to think for my child, but at the same time be an advocate for her if that makes sense?Could i be cheeky and ask your permission to use your post? I think it may help me get my point accross.

 

Its made me very cross that the teacher has dismissed this as a reason my daughter is upset or that it is a problem for her.

 

Thanks very much for everyone elses experiences as well. Its nice to know its not an isolated problem, so therfore should not be a problem in getting it addressed eh? <'>

[elun1]

Hi Darky

I'm a primary school teacher too and from my experience of teaching children on the spectrum who are in my mainstream classroom we have dealt with issues such as this by careful use of a 'screened workstation' for certain times within the day but also (as Mumble suggests) keeping a place for the child within the group for activities they can cope with there. One little boy I taught didn't want to 'ask' to use the screen but would use a symbol which he would show and move there. This worked for him. The reality is that your daughter's support may be used at times for other children but again as others have said, one to one support is there for a reason, it is her right to have it. I can understand why you feel upset. You know your daughter best and it's very hurtful if the teacher doesn't appear to be listening

Elun x

[Mumble]

Could i be cheeky and ask your permission to use your post? I think it may help me get my point accross.

 

Darky, of course you can use my post if it's helpful. I also think that what elun1 says about the use of some symbol to move between areas should be brought up - this only needs to be small and discrete (perhaps on a keychain somehow attached to the child so they always know where it is) so that it can be shown to the LSA and movement can happen without any fuss or question - the important thing is that the child feels in control and knows that if they need to move to the screened area or if they want to rejoin the group, this is ok.

 

Mumble.

[butterfingersbimbo]

el hates being looked at to...wether they are looking or not looking, point is if its upsetting her then they need to sort it out!!!!

[hedders]

I spoke to the pead about dd recently and she said that the ot will approach the school about my dd to sit on her own, this is because she keeps comparing herself to others also to block out background noise too.

The school will never accept this but will be interesting to see what happens.

I hope the ot does get her way, as dd is trying to copy others work as she doesnt understand it which has caught the teachers attention but instead of finding out why she gets told off instead, bearing in mind this school totally disagree that dd might have ASD

Edited March 31, 2007 by hedders